• Published 9th Nov 2018
  • 3,630 Views, 25 Comments

Critical and Apathetic - Tranquil Serenity



Sweetie Belle hasn't come home yet, it's getting dark, and Rarity is worried. Where is she? Is she alright? What happened to her?

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Critical and Apathetic

A light blue aura enveloped the woolly scarf and Rarity proceeded to wrap it around her bare neck. She took one last look at the Carousel Boutique clock, hoping that miraculously she had made an error while reading it the last three times. She hadn't. Sweetie Belle was an hour and a quarter late coming home, and given that it was winter time, the sky had grown an unfriendly dark color despite it only being mid-late afternoon.

At first, Rarity had attributed her younger sister's tardiness to being kept after school or perhaps having lost track of time while playing with her friends. But now Rarity was truly worried. The only way she had managed to wait this long was through an exhaustive inner argument with herself over just how easily it all could've been nothing, and the little filly would suddenly pop in through the door safe and sound, chattering on about some happy occurrence that had delayed her. Now Rarity merely prayed that she wasn't lying unconscious somewhere...

Rarity's expression hardened. Just as she was about to leave via the shop's entrance, the handle suddenly turned and the door swung open. She felt the contrastly cooler air from outside hit her face and there stood Sweetie Belle. The little unicorn filly seemed quite unharmed, and Rarity breathed a secret sigh of relief at the sight of her. Nevertheless, the younger unicorn looked none too pleased. Her features rigid with irritation. Well, two could play that game!

The little filly stepped inside and closed the door behind her, then began to remove her woolen hat, scarf, and boots.

"Ahem!" Rarity cleared her throat. "And just where have you been?" she finished impatiently, giving her little sister a pointed glare.

"... Not now, Rarity," Sweetie replied drearily. "I'm not in the mood."

"The mood?!" Rarity retorted. "I have been worried sick about you! I was just about to leave the boutique and attempt to locate you!"— She pulled on her own scarf, the item proof of her statement. —"I repeat, Sweetie Belle. Where. Were. You?"

"Look, I'm sorry!" Sweetie said angrily, her volume rising. "You can do whatever you want! You can even tell Mom and Dad! Just leave me alone!"

The little filly ran in the direction of the stairs, and Rarity caught sight of the glitter of tears in her sister's eyes as she did. She was crying? Abruptly, the older unicorn flinched at the resounding bang Sweetie's bedroom door made as the filly slammed it. Then there was silence, save for the ticking of the clock, and a garbled meowing sound from Rarity's cat who had been startled awake by the loud going's on.

What just happened? Rarity asked herself, blinking.

---*---

Rarity stood just outside Sweetie Belle's door. She could hear the muffled sounds of sobbing. Presumably, Sweetie was now crying into her pillow. Rarity bit her lip nervously and turned the knob. She opened the door just a bit and poked her head through and into the room.

"... Sweetie Belle?" Rarity uttered softly. "... May I come in?"

Sweetie's sobs subsided and she removed herself from the pillow, sniffling. She didn't look in Rarity's direction, but answered simply, and without any discernible degree of emotion, "If you want."

Rarity pushed the door aside as she entered, approaching the bed only to stop within a few feet of it. The fashionista took a deep breath before speaking.

"I'm sorry," Rarity offered softly. "I didn't mean to shout at you, Sweetie Belle. I was just very worried. You could've been lying somewhere too hurt to come home or lost in the freezing cold. I was frightened, darling, and very upset. That was why I raised my voice to you. Please... wont you tell me what's wrong?"

Sweetie Belle sat up and hung her legs over the side of her bed. Still averting her sister's gaze, she sniffled and pat the space on the bed next to her as an invitation. Rarity walked over and sat down, waiting patiently for the little filly to speak. Several long moments passed before she did.

"I didn't get it," Sweetie mumbled.

"Didn't get what, darling?"

"... I didn't get the solo."

Rarity's eyes widened in recognition. Sweetie Belle had auditioned for a solo part in a local show. She had talked of little else for the whole of last week.

"I—I'm so sorry, Sweetie Belle. I know how you were looking forward to that," Rarity said, rubbing the little filly's back in an effort to console her.

Sweetie wiped at her tears with her foreleg. "They—I wanted to know why I didn't get it. S-So I went and a-asked." The little filly looked up at her sister with tears in her eyes. "T-The director s-said I don't have the talent, Rarity. I g-got my c-cutie mark for singing and... and..." She burst into to tears.

Rarity enfolded her sister in a loving embrace. "Oh, Sweetie. I'm so sorry. But that director doesn't know what he's talking about. You sing beautifully, darling!"

"I—I always thought so, but—"

"But nothing, darling," Rarity told her sister insistently. "You're a wonderful singer and that—that director is tone deaf!"

Sweetie chuckled through her sobs, eliciting a smile from Rarity.

"Y-You really think so?" Sweetie managed.

"Without a doubt, Sweetie. Sometimes ponies say that somepony else isn't very good at something, when all they really mean is that it's done in a way that they aren't particularly appreciative of - it's simply not their taste. Would it surprise you to know that there are ponies that think I make ugly dresses?"

Sweetie Belle pulled away from the embrace to look her sister in the eye, an astonished expression playing out on her features. "R-Really? B-But you're the best dressmaker ever!"

Rarity chuckled. "Thank you, Sweetie. But I'm afraid there are many ponies who would disagree with the notion that my creations are 'fabulous', or even passable at best. You see, you shouldn't let ponies' criticisms hurt you or stop you from doing what you know you were meant to do. If I had stopped designing gowns simply because of a few negative comments, then I would have never opened my own string of shops, or have had so many ponies wearing and critically acclaiming my work."

Sweetie Belle blinked away the last of her tears and sniffled. "You mean that even though that director didn't like my singing, that doesn't mean I'm actually bad at singing?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Rarity smiled.

The little unicorn stared off into space for a moment, simply thinking. Abruptly, she turned to her sister and asked; "Rarity, would you like to hear the new song I wrote? The one I used to audition with?"

"Of course I would, Sweetie," the fashionista replied warmly. "And I know it will be just as beautiful, if not more, than all the others you've sung for me already."

The little unicorn filly beamed and hugged her sister tightly. "Thank you, Rarity. You're the best!"

--*--
THE END
-- --
*

Author's Note:

December 2nd, 2018: Henceforth, please direct your grammar and spelling corrections to PM. Thank you. :twilightsmile:

Comments ( 25 )

And the next day, Rarity slapped a director. :twilightsmile:

9283864
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Tranquil Serenity deleted Nov 15th, 2018

9284157 Oh is that so, need I remind you of a certain incident involving teenage dragons, hmm.:twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Tranquil Serenity deleted Nov 15th, 2018

9285393 Ran away? That was a tactical retreat. Why fight if you don't have to after all.Of course there is a big difference between fighting dragons and slapping a director.

Comment posted by Tranquil Serenity deleted Nov 15th, 2018

Short and sweet. And it's simply written too, but well, which always perks up the old thumb that little bit more. Good pacing and use of language – far as I can tell anyway. Good job, bud; these 1000-word one-shots are nice for a quick read and actually pretty damn hard to pull off. I can't say I've cracked it.

Grammar/punctuation/typography time, hehe. Why have you used semicolons to introduce dialogue, may I ask? It's not something I've ever seen before.

She didn't look in Rarity's direction, but answered; "If you want," simply, and without any discernible degree of emotion.

There's that semicolon thing, and as a result, you've completely disconnected the adverb 'simply' from the verb 'answered'. Semicolons are used primarily between independent clauses, so why have you chosen to use them like this? Even if you were to replace this particular one with a comma, 'simply' remains in an unusual position. Both adverbials do. Would

... but answered simply, and without any discernible degree of emotion, "If you want."

not be preferable, at least in terms of syntax?

— She pulled on her own scarf, the item proof of her statement. —"I repeat, Sweetie Belle. Where. Were. You? "

You've used em dashes and a full stop? If using em dashes to place this sentence between dialogue, as far as I'm aware, you should omit the full stop.

There are a couple of other tiny things, like spaces between your speech marks where there shouldn't be any and second-letter capitalisation of what aren't proper nouns in a 'stammer' ('B-But' instead of 'B-but', for example). I only bring it up because I feel, when reading your writing, you pay attention to these kinds of things.

Anyway. Unexpectedly lengthy comment over. Good job, bud; I do like the story. Take the upvote!

9299485
Thank you for the pointers for the semicolon portion, I changed it as you suggested. :pinkiehappy:

The reason I keep the capitalization with the stammer, is because I personally think it both looks better and makes more sense. If someone interrupted you when you'd only said your first letter, you'd have to start speaking all over again - they're sort of interrupting themselves, so their second attempt is like a new sentence.

I don't know if there are official rules on it, but I kinda just like my way better anyways. I can't say I know for sure about the full stop dash situation official rules either, but I think I'll just leave it the way it is for the time being.

Thank you for the analytical eye though. I appreciate your polite, intelligent, and detailed comment - and most especially the complimentary portions. :raritywink:

Glad you thought I did well on this little one-shot, and thank you for taking the time to read it and tell me too. I'm grateful for the supportive feedback. :twilightsmile:

9299541
Fair's fair, hehe. We all have our little stylistic preferences and tendencies, and as you said, if the grammatical powers that be haven't much to say about it, what the heck, right?

No problem, and thanks for your kind comment in return. We're all on that same journey to what we hope we ourselves can consider to be success, so if I see something I think I could help with, you'd best believe I'll give it a shot, heh. Take care, man, and keep up the good work!

9299569
Um... say, I forgot to address one last thing. You said:

like spaces between your speech marks where there shouldn't be any

You also showed a space between the words I wrote and the quotation mark here:

Where. Were. You? "

But when I looked at the original text to check, the space wasn't there. I didn't find any spaces like that in the entire story, despite looking carefully. Did I misunderstand your meaning? :rainbowhuh:

9299623
Strange, because there were spaces like that in a few places, hence the quote. :rainbowhuh: Huh?!? You're right, I don't see any when going over it again.

I... am confused.

9300651
I guess so, although not one I've ever stumbled across before. Weird! Maybe Discord really is trolling us all.

Criticism. A topic that is difficult to discuss. When is it trying to be helpful or harmful. Writing a fic that is trying to talk against criticism may sometimes be inferred the wrong way by implying that we shouldn't listen to all criticism at all. Despite the fact that some criticism does attempt to help improve the problems pointed.

9417464
In this case I think we can easily gather from what Sweetie Belle said the director told her, he wasn't being critical in a helpful way, which is why Rarity responded in the way that she did. :eeyup:

Lovely. And something I needed to read.

10377022
Glad you got something out of it. :twilightsmile:

9418147
I actually thought what he said was kinda mean being that it was to a child

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