Seven friends are thrust from their homes on Earth to the world of Equestria. Two unfamiliar worlds will have to learn to adjust to each others rules and how each others interactions can bring change or create new influences on one another.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hi Empty,
I’ve read up to chapter 9 tonight and wanted to give you some feedback while your story is fresh in my mind.
For positives -
1. Your human OC’s. I was a little concerned with the large number transported to Equestria but you’ve managed to give most of them distinct enough personalities and traits that the scenes don’t become too hard to follow. I’m particularly interested in how Becky’s arc plays out. Be careful that you don’t have scenes with too many characters all at once though - having seperate scenes with a few characters interacting should flow better.
2. The plot so far. Many HiE stories often spend a lot of time on tensions/distrust between the humans and ponies but I’m glad you decided not to use this plot contrivance heavily - the ponies being welcoming quickly is fairly in character to the show.
3. The ponies are in character very well. In particular, I think you’ve nailed Starlight so far.
For negatives -
1. Please get a proofreader or proofread yourself. Basically every paragraph has spelling errors, incorrect word tense, incorrect word choices or lack of consistent formatting. This is really my biggest gripe with the story so far. One paragraph in chapter 8 is basically word salad and runs on too much:
From chapter 8:
Sweetie Belle dug into the hug, it honestly reminded him of so many times a kid had hugged him in the past. One in particular of comming home from over seas, still in a wheele chair. Waiting to get his bags from bagage claim. Someones little girl, no more than six or seven years of age, had stood up on a piece of luggage to get high enough to hug him as he sat and waited. At first his heart was racing, and he almost flipped out like he was back in combat, but as he realized what he was feeling wrapping around him and saw the sight that was being presented, all he could do was embrase the moment. And now that's what he was remembering. Not the pressure from how tight she held him, just the simple expression they both understood at that point in time. She saw his pain and her child like instinct told her to give some comfort to the poor stranger.
How this could be structured to read and flow better (if I was writing, a bit better but still runs on):
Sweetie Belle dug into the hug, which honestly reminded him of the times kids had hugged him in the past. Once in particular, of coming home from overseas, still in a wheelchair. While waiting to get his bags from the baggage claim, a little girl, no more than six or seven years of age had stood up on a piece of luggage to get high enough to hug him as he sat and waited. At first, his heart had raced and he almost flipped out, panicking like he was in combat.
But, as he realized what exactly he was feeling wrapped around his waist, all he could do was embrace the moment and return the hug.
Sweetie had seen his pain and her child like instinct had told her to give some comfort to the poor stranger.
Another example of word choice which was particular egregious and distracting was ‘Nobel’ - this isn’t a adjective, it’s a surname and a noun (as in, the Nobel prize named after the scientist Alfred Nobel). A ‘noble’ is the adjective you want to describe a member of the gentry/nobility.
2. Following in from problem 1 to reiterate - please be consistent with how characters are addressed. You keep switching between ‘Apple Jack’, ‘AppleJack’ and the correct ‘Applejack’ - this is something a single proofread should weed out. There were more examples of this.
3. Capitalisation matters. You sometimes capitalise adjectives and verbs for no reason - capitalisation is used to indicate the start of a new sentence/paragraph or to indicate a noun, this can make some of your sentences harder to read (I found myself rereading multiple parts because of capitalisation).
I’ll continue to read on tonight/tomorrow and leave a comment RE: the plot so far. I think the story is okay for a new writer to develop but you need to focus a lot more on improving your technical writing skills. Don’t be discouraged and with some work I think you’ve got some potential for sure. Quality of writing > quantity of words written any day of the week.
Your Chapters are to huge to use only one Comment... Holy Shit... What a Chaos!
Hope she survive...
Reading that Story for the 4 time... Still love it for the laughter like the first time
I hope Luna get a badass chapter like this to
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I haven't worked out everything with how Luna's introduction will work itself out. Though I have a feeling it will center around Cerb and Becky.
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I wonder if Luna can investigate why there Royal Guards went out of control?
Absolutely best humor! Pure comedy gold!! PRICELESS!!!
Oooooooooh. I almost feel bad for the stabby pony. Almost.
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He'll get his. Don't you worry.
There are carnivores in Equestria but never was a pony injured... Got to love that logic... Fluttershy is a caretaker that heals animals that normaly are the foodsorce for the meateater Yet never one get crippeld... Got to love carton logic
Damn... Flathead deservs what coming to him...
It is rare to see Celestia in such anger. I did a familiar scene once myself but that was missguided anger
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-The charges of disobeying a direct order from Princess Celestia by deviating from his mission and failure to control his squad members, leading to the injury of a Guest Visitor (humans) of Equestria under the approval of Princess Twilight Sparkle.
-Injury caused to BigMac.
-Armed assault towards BigMac.
-Attempted murder of a citizen of Equestria. (BigMac)
-Miss used Authority.
When the chapter ended...
ear
Great chapter, if this was America the
police officerroyal guard would be investigated and found 'not guilty of any wrong doing'. Just good we are not in America in the story.11762117
Thanks for catching that. Fixed.
Egh, kinda depends on the area. Otherwise, this is just how the story plays itself out.