• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2018
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I'm odd. I dunno? I guess I'm here because some Empty Plots need Filler.


Comments ( 2318 )

@Starlight Nova
It's a bit too early to say just how this series will turn out. Some events will not be pretty and give the ponies a harsh reality check of how much harder humans can have it. That's not to say that the ponies won't be showing their new guest just how much better life can be... that is if conflicts of our reality and their world of fantasy can come together without tearing each other apart.

Pinky's eye returned to normal as her head turned upright until her neck was bent in a way that should be physically impossible. "My Twitch never gets that strong. Must have been a false alarm."

"What?" Twilight’s eyes twitched.

"Twilight's" should be changed to "Starlight's."

Thanks for catching that. I, unfortunately, lack a proofreader.

“What is Vodka?”

...... This is going to be good.

Hi Empty,

I’ve read up to chapter 9 tonight and wanted to give you some feedback while your story is fresh in my mind.

For positives -

1. Your human OC’s. I was a little concerned with the large number transported to Equestria but you’ve managed to give most of them distinct enough personalities and traits that the scenes don’t become too hard to follow. I’m particularly interested in how Becky’s arc plays out. Be careful that you don’t have scenes with too many characters all at once though - having seperate scenes with a few characters interacting should flow better.

2. The plot so far. Many HiE stories often spend a lot of time on tensions/distrust between the humans and ponies but I’m glad you decided not to use this plot contrivance heavily - the ponies being welcoming quickly is fairly in character to the show.

3. The ponies are in character very well. In particular, I think you’ve nailed Starlight so far.

For negatives -

1. Please get a proofreader or proofread yourself. Basically every paragraph has spelling errors, incorrect word tense, incorrect word choices or lack of consistent formatting. This is really my biggest gripe with the story so far. One paragraph in chapter 8 is basically word salad and runs on too much:

From chapter 8:

Sweetie Belle dug into the hug, it honestly reminded him of so many times a kid had hugged him in the past. One in particular of comming home from over seas, still in a wheele chair. Waiting to get his bags from bagage claim. Someones little girl, no more than six or seven years of age, had stood up on a piece of luggage to get high enough to hug him as he sat and waited. At first his heart was racing, and he almost flipped out like he was back in combat, but as he realized what he was feeling wrapping around him and saw the sight that was being presented, all he could do was embrase the moment. And now that's what he was remembering. Not the pressure from how tight she held him, just the simple expression they both understood at that point in time. She saw his pain and her child like instinct told her to give some comfort to the poor stranger.

How this could be structured to read and flow better (if I was writing, a bit better but still runs on):

Sweetie Belle dug into the hug, which honestly reminded him of the times kids had hugged him in the past. Once in particular, of coming home from overseas, still in a wheelchair. While waiting to get his bags from the baggage claim, a little girl, no more than six or seven years of age had stood up on a piece of luggage to get high enough to hug him as he sat and waited. At first, his heart had raced and he almost flipped out, panicking like he was in combat.

But, as he realized what exactly he was feeling wrapped around his waist, all he could do was embrace the moment and return the hug.

Sweetie had seen his pain and her child like instinct had told her to give some comfort to the poor stranger.

Another example of word choice which was particular egregious and distracting was ‘Nobel’ - this isn’t a adjective, it’s a surname and a noun (as in, the Nobel prize named after the scientist Alfred Nobel). A ‘noble’ is the adjective you want to describe a member of the gentry/nobility.

2. Following in from problem 1 to reiterate - please be consistent with how characters are addressed. You keep switching between ‘Apple Jack’, ‘AppleJack’ and the correct ‘Applejack’ - this is something a single proofread should weed out. There were more examples of this.

3. Capitalisation matters. You sometimes capitalise adjectives and verbs for no reason - capitalisation is used to indicate the start of a new sentence/paragraph or to indicate a noun, this can make some of your sentences harder to read (I found myself rereading multiple parts because of capitalisation).

I’ll continue to read on tonight/tomorrow and leave a comment RE: the plot so far. I think the story is okay for a new writer to develop but you need to focus a lot more on improving your technical writing skills. Don’t be discouraged and with some work I think you’ve got some potential for sure. Quality of writing > quantity of words written any day of the week.

Why isn't there a dark tag? I mean, there's a Gore, Violence, and a Profanity tag.

I don't think my story has gotten to the point where Dark would be a fitting description. It may skirt the edges of such, but I've avoided the events of tyranny, torture, war and death in any descriptive manner. The topics of war and death have been discussed, but not in any ways that I think could be graphic enough to warrent the Dark tag.

Events in the future may cross that line to update my story with a Dark and Mature tag. As of right now, everyone has a reason to hold onto hope. Especially Big Mac.

But I thank you all the same for bringing it up.

Worst way to visit the Universe of MLP:fluttercry:

I hope Trixie didn't just cause death by stupidity :facehoof:

This is MADNESS! MADNESS? This - is - Equestia!!!

Trixie fucked up good :raritydespair: I guess we will have only to bother with the fate of 6 human :applecry:

Damn that was dark... also nice reality check for the Ponys

I'm glad you're enjoying my story, Black-Soul.

I could Kiss you for this amazing chapter :raritywink:

Wow... when your Realism first didn't existed... Just coming back with a vengence!

I wonder if we see some real action soon?

I Love so deep topics. Thanks for that treat of a story EmptyPlotFiller :twilightsmile:

By Lunas blue butt... This chapter was mindblowing :raritystarry:

Damn... I was prepared for death causes by illness but not trough Idiot Royal Guards...

Your Chapters are to huge to use only one Comment... Holy Shit... What a Chaos!

Hope she survive... :raritydespair: :fluttershbad:

I love this story & happy endings :heart:

I hope to be able to write in english with the quality i see here! In german i can dance but to see it happen in english lets me sit in awe :pinkiesmile:

Rarity and Fluttershy should just doppelteam Cerb :raritywink: 100% success rate :trollestia:

I have two more chapters already done. I'm just waiting for my editor to review them. He was sick all week, otherwise, I'd have more for you to read at the moment.

Oh, and I sent you a message on Discord.

Still at Work. I check it later when im Home again

Wow what a chapter! :derpyderp1: I wonder whats coming next. :pinkiesmile: Personaly i would love to see some Dating :rainbowkiss: Also what will happen to the soldier that almost commited murder! :twilightangry2:

The next chapter will be a leisure day with some terrible jokes and insight into how different these worlds can be. Also... funny that you mention dating. :raritywink:

Dont forget to add there Supply -problems and Becky 'lack of meds' you established :unsuresweetie:

All things that will be addressed. In the upcoming chapters. I still have to cover the fact that the ponies don't know the humans eat meat.

Dont think eating fish will be to problematic. Fluttershy takes care of carnivores before... :derpytongue2:

Lol I loved the spay bottle bit!

When did we get a new chapter ? I currently just have mobil phone i-net since my router kicked the bucket... a new chapter would be very welcome atm :pinkiesad2:

Sorry about that. I have three more chapters already completed, just waiting for my editor to review them. You'll be sure to be entertained by the next chapter, too.

Dude... I could kiss you! Amazing chapter :pinkiehappy:

I wonder how this will continue :rainbowderp: Your humor is absolutely genius. :pinkiehappy: Its good to see that Becky and Kelly are out of the fire :yay: I think they doubled team Cerb with Rarity and Fluttershy. Annnd in my head ist going to be legendary :rainbowlaugh:

Well, there might be a few events in the future that give different pairing ups of humans and ponies. They've only had 5 days in the same world. Perhaps emotions and interest could change?

Fair enougth :twilightsmile: But can we get some cuddels for P. Luna?

She has yet to meet them, but we'll see.

Pretty sure she wants to meet em soon alone for the treat she is going to enjoy :rainbowkiss: After all there Supply are very limited :pinkiesad2: It will be a sad day when they run out of there treat and drinks :fluttercry:

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