- Member Since 18th Feb, 2017
- offline last seen April 17th
Luckless
A tired, borderline insane, worker.
Luckless
Joined 18th Feb, 2017 ·
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Look forward to this.
9219974
Hey, you might wanna try spicing up your comments, buddy.
It's pretty good! I've only got two real comments, the protagonist seems to have a lot of history, although given the current information the timelines dont seem to line up. What time does he come from? Future, past, alternate reality? Things seem more advance than what we have now. Is there some way to let us know in the story? The only other thing is what everyone always says, pacing. We had a lot happen in only two chapters! It doesn't have to be slow burn, but is there some way give greater definition to time changes?
Looking forward to more!
9220148
I tried, but it's pretty much the same thing every time. Someone even asked if what I posted was a pasta.
Congrats! You made front page!
Looking good so far
9220565
This is good advice. Positive but constructive.
I'm sorry but since when did people fight "gorillas" in jungles. In Afghanistan or Iraq nonetheless?
Making the main protagonist wallow in self-pity like this isn't scoring any sympathy points with the readers. It's been overdone to death at this point. Yikes.
I'd honestly rather read a story about an individual that has the sheer will power and determination to boldly exclaim "Get fucked!" to the powers that wrongfully displaced him against his will in this savage world and make them his bitch just to right their wrongs.
I want to see a character struggle against all odds and hopefully succeed, retaining the thing that makes us all so very precious. His humanity.
You don't have to have an obnoxiously good or evil protagonist either. Moral ambiguity, especially when in a situation like this, is more or less expected.
Character development and attachment is important yo.
Don't ride the wave of success from someone else's fictional universe. Invent! Be creative! And for the love of God please avoid clichés.
9220979
[AN: Tribute fic for MadMaxtheBlack]
Writing isn't always for fame and glory, writing can be for improving, writing for fun, writing about things they like, writing because of inspiration or ideas they want write about regardless of creativity/originality/etc.
this is epic
Guitarist are pussy's by nature . So I don't seeing one being a guard or anything dangers .
9221194
In real life, I can see that
9220979
"Guerilla" is a term to describe a type of warfare. Guerilla tactics often involve hit and runs, sabotage, ambushes raids and other tactics that some view as not honorable or underhanded but practical and strategic. He's not talking about actual Gorilla's.
9220979
"Gorillas" is a term for fighters that use hit and run tactics, and usually aren't part of a regular military unit.
The rest of what you said is decent advice, but I ain't done just yet.
9221045
Damn straight!
9221213
No, really? It's spelt guerillas mate.
I see people are butthurt about my criticism, glad to see that at least the author understands.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to see this story to flop.
The story has potential I'll give you that, but with so many YHIE stories you're gonna have a hard time standing out.
Tidbit of my own opinion; I found it unrealistic to have the protagonist in awe at the sights around him rather than struggling to process everything from the years of trauma.
The man has been through 3 years of truly savage treatment. He was raped raw pretty much every other day for crying out loud. If that doesn't leave anyone a mental wreck then idk. I definitively wouldn't be admiring my surroundings at the first whiff of freedom let me tell you that.
9221254
It made front page, I'd say its in the right direction, but it does need some edits in spelling/grammar.
9221045
Uh I thing you missed the point entirely?
My advice had nothing to do with the author getting in on them sweet internet points.
My advice was to take the universe he's adapting his story from, take what works, improve upon it, and Invent.
What's the point of writing YHIE 2.0. everybody with the genre is already familiar with the universe. So why not expand upon it? Add something fresh and interesting?
I'd like to think it would be a learning experience for the author, staying within the genre but also expanding upon it with his own vision. I think it would make for a pleasant reading experience, no?
9221213
9221211
Guys. Please. It's spelled "Guerillas". This isn't the Planet of the Apes.
9221259
That's where I found it yeah.
You're definitely right, although for the time being I'd like to credit the popularity of the genre rather than the premise of the story in it's current state.
Everybody likes a badass human in Equestria story. 👌
9221275
👏 Bless
Great story cannot wait for more.
I will wait anyway tho.
I mean this story is pretty good. But, still...
I'm honestly surprised you guys spelt "Guerillas" wrong. I mean, come on.
9221045
He was giving advice to the author on how to improve. What does this have to do with that?
9221213
I find it funny that we both said the same thing but you got the up votes while I got the down votes.
9221297
not everyone knows the difference, they just spell it how they hear it
9221254
Butthurt? I was just pointing out something that I thought was a misunderstanding and you're correct. It is spelled guerilla. My bad.
EDIT: Fixed it.
9221275
That was my mistake. Sorry about that.
EDIT: Fixed it.
9221333
Yeah. That's a bad thing. Those people should or will learn.
9221194
You say that, but let me offer rebuttal in the form of Johnny Cash.
9221335
I was on about the downvotes pal.
Seems people prefer unreasonable whiny man-children. For shame.
9221343
JuSt BEcAUsE PEopPLe WRiTe It HoW tHeY HEaR iT iSnT a PrOBLem.
Imagine if people like these taught English in higher education?
OmegaLUL
9221343
kinda harsh for a single word in a story, not everyone is up to your grand standards
9221319
Especially considering the fact that you spelled it correctly.
9221213
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guerrilla
9221389
not at first, much to my embarrassment. I fixed it afterward.
9221254
Huh, guess I messed up with my spelling, but I think people will get the gist of it. Still, no harm no foul man. I'm not really looking to stand out. I know there are better stories out there, and this is just something I find fun to do, and like knowing other people enjoy reading. Holy crap, I'm spending more time in the comments than writing! Gotta fix that!
9221352
I think you lost me after you passed the comet there.
9221359
Agreed on both points. Though now that I'm older, I find it odd how teachers would always tell me to spell it like it sounds Because I never spelt it right when I did it that way. odd.
9221429
Go get them tiger
Pretty good, despite the edgelord main character. I look forward to what use a relatively "peaceful" nation would have for an attack human.
Let me utilize an analogy for how this story is presenting itself...
It's like someone attempting to sharpen a quality knife with a piece of rough granite.
Basically, the premise is acceptable, but lacking subtle cues or details to hint towards origins or sources for the replacement parts of metal limbs and artificial eyes. We got the 'how' he got them, but nothing else. Timeline is too vague to appreciate or follow. Scene details can be set aside with character focus like this, but you need more personal details about him, both appearance and personality.
Presentation of the situation is disconnected and really hazy, though some of that may be intentional relative to his perspective of the horrible situation he's in. Reactions from him and ponies are confused at times, not really connecting in a clear way, and seems to rely on blunt force presentation without nuance.
Technical skills are egregious and barely exist. Grammar seems mostly together, but odd spelling errors shouldn't slip through (Minotaur, guerilla, etc. are the correct spellings). The main problem is the read is more like a rough draft structure that hadn't been given the subtle and nuance required of genuinely believable situations. It's like he's existing around ponies, and ponies are existing around him, but neither really interacts directly, in a sense. There is also some clear misunderstandings about sense of scale and biology taking place.
It's ultimately because of the lack of nuance and character disconnection that I can't really get into the read. There could be a sharp story that cuts cleanly into some difficult areas, but the technical implementation injects so much jaggedness that it makes it bind up on itself and get lost in awkward presentation. I'd encourage you to review this site's own Writing Guide and see what you can learn about how to word details and interactions to be less clunky.
This could be much, much better, if you are willing to work on the skills it takes to write well. You clearly have the capacity. It is just a matter of whether or not you'll invest in developing that capacity with a whetstone instead.
9221694
I ain't done yet. The chapters that follow will explain more of what's needed
9221359
I'll add that 'guerilla' is not pronounced like 'gorilla', either.
'Guerilla' is intended to sound more like 'grrr' than 'gor', at least this is how I have always encountered it. Makes it hard to mistake.
Mispronunciation does make it a reasonable error, however.
9220979
One can argue when you lose your legs, eyes, and other parts I've forgotten. You pretty much lose any sense of humanity you may have had, especially when they're replaced with metal.
Where else would you fight guerrillas? Jungles have the best cover for hit and runs, and ambushes. Not in some desert where it's mostly flat open ground.
As for the protagonist... These are actual problems that people face, in fact some people face it without functioning limbs to compensate for the losses. The fact he said he lost his eyes and yet they were replaced with synthetic ones(I'm assuming) Makes him honestly lucky. Off track a little, but another point is PTSD is a HUGE problem for people who suffer from it. "It's been overdone" seems to be a bit insulting to people who do have these problems, doesn't it? Relegating a mental infirmity to a trope that can be overdone makes it seem less real.
Of course, I can't defend this character, since he is lucky to get at least some semblance of independence back while most people who suffer from similar injuries can't say the same thing.
That is a religious life style. What you meant was "Aesthetic".
9221359
Imagine how hard it is when you're told to spell things phonetically but then you're told to spell... Phonetically when you pronounce it fe-ne-ne-cly