• Member Since 24th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen December 3rd

Myrlin


E
Source

Twilight Sparkle a student at the Canterlot College of Magic has summoned Rarity a creature of magic for a research paper. The contract is set to a year and a day how will these days pass with in the magical bond these two mares now share?

Life always has a fine print and one must always be aware of unexpected consequences and that there always will be Devils in the Details.


Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 22 )

Good start!
Keep going!

I’m going to look forward to this!! There is a section where Fluttershy’s name isn’t capitalized but it’s all good. You can fix it whenever.

The description is confusing me. Did Twilight summon Rarity, some random creature, or herself? :applejackconfused:

8790375
Nope Rarity is a magical creature like a demon and twilight summoned her :twilightsmile:

Off to a pretty good start. Love the idea! :pinkiehappy:

8790647
The question is why kind of mystical being?

8791050
Did you mean what kind? When I was first starting this idea it was more a demon AU and she would of been a succubus but I toned it down to just be generic magical

I have a guess on what magical creature Rarity is but I keep that to myself for now. Keep up the good work, I love this story already.

Congratulations on your first story being published! I'm loving it so far, and can't wait to see where this goes from here!

A decent start, and a novel premise! I've not come across Raritwi in the context of a summoner/summoned being relationship before. The worldbuilding details with different grades of summoned creature are intriguing, as well as the personal summons of the princesses.

If you don't mind some constructive critique, there's a few issues related to grammar and sentence structure that you may want to address. There's several run-on sentences which could be chopped up into smaller sentences or divided with commas to make them easier to read. For example:

After a minute or two Twilight burst back into the room a cloth wrapped item floated with magic behind her. “I got it I got it sorry Rarity.”

“Oh not to worry dear.” She responded sweetly as the student returned back to the spot she was before.

That could be reworked into:

After a minute or two, Twilight burst back into the room. A cloth-wrapped item floated with magic behind her. “I got it! I got it! Sorry, Rarity.”

“Oh, not to worry, dear,” she responded sweetly as the student returned to the spot she was before.

Nothing that can't be sorted by a session with an editor, however, and this is a promising start. Do keep at it. :twilightsmile:

8791753
Thank you so much for the praise and assistance! I haven't written fics in a long time so any critiques are helpful! :heart:

“So y-you were saying dear this would be paid upon the paper being graded and submitted back to you correct?” She felt herself lift her hand to caress the hard facets of the sapphire but stopped herself, not now, not yet.

Her hand...?? Wouldn’t it be hoof...?? Or did I miss something here...??

8792960
Whoops! It is supposed to be hoof, just me overlooking a mistake! Sorry lol :twilightsheepish:

8794222
It’s cool. Just thought I’d let you know! XP

Interesting, and it has potential, but I'd recommend to tone down on the info dump, though. Too much telling for too little showing, too much information we have no use for yet. Focus on the story your telling and only show what backstory is needed as it becomes relevant. The girls background could be revealed only when they appear, for example.

But still, I shall follow it and see were it goes.

8791380
Still doesn't answer the question. I don't think there's such a thing as "generic magical" creature.

So is she a demon, angel, changeling (obviously not), ect.? What creature is she exactly?

8810543
I completely understand what you mean. Its a secret for now~:raritywink: Its something that will be talked about later.

But in the world there are creatures of 'general' magic since the world is full of magic so abundantly.

Where is the fucking next chapter. (please I love this world. Give me more of this amazing poison)

Dude plz.....when will the next chapter be up?? It’s been months...

I have barely started reading, and already I feel sick from the lack of proper grammar and punctuation. If you haven't been writing for more than a year, then I suppose it's fine as it is; heavens knows I sucked at these things when I started writing fiction. As a small tip, try reading what you have written out loud, it might help you notice where commas should go. And do go over your chapters at least once after they're done, capitalising all Is,

Distractedly the unicorn continued to look at the showcase for a moment before popping back to the conversation with a giggle. “Yes Sunny that sounds wonderful! And you said i can come back in two weeks to pick them up right?”

and other things similar to it. Or, as some have done, get someone to edit your stories, or proof read them at least.

Many writers, and I do mean many, are, in some shape or form lacking. It can be their grammar and/or punctuation, it can be their liberal misuse of things like they're, their and there and it can be other things, however they (and as far as I can tell, you too) have great ideas - awesome stories that would be fun to read rolling around in their imaginations. There are only really two ways to get better at the technical side of writing stories, and that is education (self-taught or schooling) and experience.

Still, keep it up and maybe you won't end up like me: huge and awesome imagination, but little to no determination to use my experience within literature to write it down.

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