Hudibadudi
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Okay, where to start...
The setting definitely was a nice idea. I always love some exploration of dreams, the dreamscape and all it's possibilities. Bonus points for starting the scene within the dream and not outright telling your readers.
References to Rarities cheesy romance novels and her hope to get swept away - or, swapping sides - sweep away her own princess, were a nice touch, too.
As for the problems I see here.
I... don't think Rarity would be that straightforward once she understands Twilights intentions. She always strikes me as the more playful type, dancing around subjects if possible - and entertaining. I could've seen her teasing Twilight until she spills, coaxing her - but outright stating facts? Nah.
But that's just a minor issue. The major one I have is about Twilights decision to enter someponys dream without consent and forcing said dream to be in a specific shape. That easily could've gone oh so very, very wrong. It could've thrown Rarity into quite a fit, doubting herself, maybe even letting her self-esteem come crushing down. So many possibilities for things to go awry. And Twilight would've known about them, about all of them, because she overthinks things before getting into action.
So, yeah. Sweet? Maybe. But most definitely also creepy as heck. Not only because Twilight decided that this was a good idea, but more so because Luna rolled with it. What the heck happened there? It's the night princess' sacred duty to guard the dreamrealm, to help ponies - not to intrude on their privacy or help others to do so. Makes me wonder if somehow Twilight took advantage of her friendship to Luna to get her to agree to something like that. Which, as a chain of thought, is even more horrible.
Love makes you blind - and probably makes you do a lot of stupid stuff -, so I could get behind Twilight actually thinking this to be a good idea. But in no way could I see Luna just go along with this.
All in all, it was a nice little piece that could be entertaining - as long as you don't drill your thoughts into Lunas motivations...
7239484 First off, thanks for the feedback (and the fave)
. I really like to know what people think of stuff I write, and it's really hard to know without them telling me.
Honestly, yeah that is creepy. When I was writing it, I thought 'yeah, that works'. When I was editing it, however, I realized how creepy it was and I made it less creepy (yes, at one point it was even creepier)... That was the only thing that I wasn't completely satisfied with when I posted it.
On to characterization. I've always had issues with it, and have more trouble writing Twilight than Rarity, and I think this one was no different. You're right, that would not have been Twilight's normal course of action. I really don't know how Twilight, based on the character from the show (not from any fanfics), would handle having a crush on any of her friends. And perhaps this is my failing.
Lastly, a question, if you will. What did you think about the pacing? I've have issues with that in the past as well.
7240041
Well, with kind and patient reactions like this one, I'm happy to share my thoughts.
Usually I'd just upvote fitting comments, but seeing as there were none, well...
You could try to ask other authors for advice. Or ask in some shipping-groups. They usually don't bite.
As for my own thoughts on this... hm. Twilight cherishes reason. And easily gets freaked out by stuff she doesn't understand. And emotions aren't exactly reasonable or logical. Pre-alicorn-Twilight probably would've tried to read up on the subject and follow advice she found in her books. But: since emotions are different for each and every pony, the advice would ultimately fail. So she'd try something different. And that would fail, too. And with each and every failure, she gets more nervous, more freaked-out - until her final, infamous meltdown(s). At which point she breaks down and spills it, just to discover that things could've been sooo much easier.
Princess Twilight would do something pre-alicorn-Twilight might've considered but in the end, decided against it because of a false sense of shame: Ask for advice from those she trusts most. (No, I actually don't necessarily mean her friends. Well... not only them, anyway.) She'd probably ask her parents and Celestia first, maybe her brother - certainly Cadence, since she's the freakin' princess of love!
Most writers somehow tend to forget that Twilight, as the princess of friendship - or student of friendship - actually has friends. Friends to ask for advice, friends to ask for help and friends which'd give her help even without her asking because they know the signs of a Twilight-meltdown by now.
I love long(er) stories. Always did, always will. You could expand on sooo much. Easiest example for any ship involving Rarity: What about Spike? With adding just one character - who shouldn't be left out of any consideration anyway - you got sooo much more potential for conflict.
With a shorter piece: I feel like it's... harder for such a tale to get it right. So much to set up in a short span. What's at the core of the story? It's about shipping. Okay - is it about dreams come true? Sure is. She loves her and will be loved back. That's the core of your tale. The stage, the setting, is this elaborated scheme about the dream and telling her that way how she feels.
Stating they're marefriends was a good way of setting this stage. It's a thing, it's real, roll with it or leave - good shot. Even after we learn that it wasn't, in fact, 'real', it's still the stage and has set the mood for the story. From that moment on, they talk things out and reach the conclusion of 'yeah, let's try it'.
You could, again, easily expand on their feelings. How did they fall in love with one another? When did this happen? Why do they love each other anyway? (Please please PLEASE never let anypony tell his/her beloved he/she's "perfect". Twilight is about facts and logic. Even Rarity, as a seemingly hopeless romantic, can be quite... I'd call it bitter for now, about romance at the same time. They both never ever would consider anything or anypony "perfect", because there are always little nitpicks, little mistakes, little somethings. There's no such thing as "perfection".)
But once more: You don't have to expand. As a cute, fluffy little tale... it was enough.
Though I would've preferred if they don't just state "yeah, let's go ahead and try getting into a relationship". Instead, maybe something like... Twilight asks what they'll do now, with both their feelings for one another in the open and Rarity, instead of answering, just sits down beside Twilight - closely - and asks if she'd like to have some tea. It implies that they're going to talk things through, at length, and that they won't shy away from one another. Something like that might've worked.
Ugh, it's late. I'm sorry for any mistakes in this mess. I'm going to stop rambling on now and march off to bed...
7241019 Again, thanks for the feedback, and thanks for replying to my reply to your comment. I really do appreciate it. I'll definitely take your suggestions to heart the next time I write something.
(Oh yeah, and I prefer longer stories as well)