I Hate Bats
I Hate Bats
Admiral Biscuit
There are many places in Equestria where one can appear, although most inter-dimensional travelers wind up in or near Ponyville. That's probably just as well; not many would want to visit Griffonstone (and to be honest, the griffons are also quite relieved by this).
He did not arrive in Ponyville. In fact, despite his vast knowledge of Equestria, he did not arrive anywhere he knew.
To be fair, though, his point of arrival was pitch-black.
Presently, our perfect protagonist deduced that he was in a cave because it smelled and sounded like an empty basement, only considerably bigger.
Those were not the only smells or sounds. There was a horsey smell (which is not really a surprise for Equestria), along with a kind of fruity smell he couldn't identify straightaway. And there was a continual soft skreeing from above his head, and at that moment he realized that the fruity smell was mangoes and it was mangoes because batponies love mangoes and he was in a goddam cave full of goddam batponies.
He screamed.
It is important to note that this was not a scream of terror. While there are undoubtedly some things that he is afraid of, batponies are not on that list. No, it was a scream of dismay, because he hated batponies.
He didn't like their cute little fangs.
He despised their leathery, bat-like wings.
The skreeing noises that they made to communicate with each other and to echolocate annoyed him.
Biting fruit and drinking the juices was overly cannibalistic, in his eyes.
He thought ear nibbles were a threat.
Nor was he a fan of adorable tufted ears.
Oddly, he didn't have anything bad to say about their cat-like eyes.
This primal scream of dismay woke the batponies up, and they immediately dropped from their perches, calling out in confusion, filling the cave with a cacophony of noise.
Imagine for a moment that you were peacefully sleeping in your bed and you were suddenly awoken by a horse. Screaming. (In dismay, not terror.) Wouldn't you be a little bit confused, too?
It did not take the batponies too long to identify the source of the noise, the stranger in their midst, and they quickly circled down to study him. While this is of course perfectly normal batpony behavior, to him it was understandably alarming. He couldn't make out any shapes in the darkness, but he could hear the whooshing of air over their wings, and could feel the air currents as they zipped by close enough to touch, had he dared to reach an arm out.
He was a conundrum, an enigma, and they chittered and skreed to each other, discussing this interloper in their cavern. He was no predator who had sneaked in—of that, they were sure. Anything further, they had no idea.
They could have easily enough simply returned to their perches and ignored him. Unless he had some heretofore undiscovered ability to jump, he could not have grabbed a single sleeping batpony even if he had tried. Even in the darkness, he would have found a way out of their sleeping chambers eventually.
Despite his deep-seated dislike of them, they were gracious to a fault and decided to treat him as an honored—if unexpected—guest. Several flew over to their mango piles and selected the largest, ripest, sweetest fruits, and they grasped them reverently in their hooves and flew them over to him, setting them gently at his feet.
Others, observing his clothing, came to the entirely logical conclusion that he might be cold, and despite his protests, proceeded to cluster around him, gently nuzzling him and also nibbling at his ears because that's how they show affection.*
*I wish I could say that this display of respect and unconditional love softened his heart and made him love batponies, but regrettably that was not entirely so.
As much as we wish otherwise, sometimes a person (or a pony, I suppose) is so set in their ways that they simply cannot change, no matter what evidence is presented to the contrary. No matter the action they will always find fault with it.
Deep in my heart, I do not think that of our protagonist—this must be clear. Nobody can wholly resist a nuzzle, nor can they deny the comfort of running their hands across the soft coat of a pony even if they think that such an action was unobserved.
Batpony caves generally have two features—darkness and isolation. The first is rather obvious; caves are dark in general, and a nocturnal creature will of course prefer to sleep in a dark cave rather than a well-lit one. The second is perhaps less obvious, but given that batponies can fly, and that they sleep during the day, having a cave that isn't frequently explored by day-dwellers is a huge advantage.
Being well suited to darkness, they of course have no need for artificial light, and as such escorting him out of the cave was quite the challenge. Batponies aren't dumb, and of course it didn't take them too long to figure out that in their cave he was . . . well, blind as a bat. 
Nevertheless, they persisted, and once he'd deigned to rest his hand on the guide's back, they got him out of the blessed darkness of the cave and into the dusklight that filtered through the mouth of the cave.
His eyes by then were well-adjusted to the dark, and so from there it was little trouble to make his way to the mouth of the cave, and—
Remember how batponies can fly? Well, there are probably no unclimbable mountains to an experienced mountaineer with the right equipment, but he was not and had not, and thus found himself stranded at a small opening in a large cliff with nothing but the clothes on his back and an pocketful of fruit.
A moment before, perhaps his opinion of batponies would have been swayed. The memory of his hand upon her back as she escorted him through the twisting tunnels of their warren, or the enticing smell of mangoes, or the velvety feel of a muzzle nuzzling him could have drowned out the hatred in his heart, but alas! Here he was, peering out over a yawning chasm with no way down.
“I hate bats,” he muttered.
Y'all know who this is for. 
Also, first time using edgenotes and I'm not sure that I did it the best way. Distracting? Confusing? Let me know in the comments!
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I should note that Present Perfect made the first comment here, which unfortunately got deleted because he posted it on a working chapter (silly PP).
While I did not have the foresight to save it and attach it to this chapter, it was roughly this:
What even are bats? :B
8871237
*takes a huff* Totally, duuuude.
funny and a super good read. love it.
8871237
This is your fault. D:
8871281
It totally is.
There is "Up a crick without a paddle" This seems to be a perfect case of "Up a cliff without a chute"
It was a wonderful summary of that long running *ahem* "dispute" you had.
Huh, I didn't know edgenotes were a thing... cool. I must say that it is a little strange simply from how tall it is, but it did fit neatly onto my screen, even had a little extra room.
8871249
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/8/31/86737__safe_spike_twilight+sparkle_bong_drugs_high_marijuana_pot.png
8871270
Thank you!
WARNING: This Story contains levels of adorableness that may cause feelings of faintness, giddiness, and an overwhelming sense of cuteness.
8871304
I think if one learns nothing else from this story, it's to always pack a parachute in case of finding oneself in Equestria. Not only are there batcaves where one could arrive, but also cloud cities.
Also, casting my mind back to Boy Scout days, paracord is really useful, and the parachute itself can be used to make a tent or as a blanket.
8871308
Actually . . . 769 comments later, it's still going on.
Also bring night vision goggles
8871335
I'm sure there's an artsier way to do them; I cheated and used the floating images code, plus the quote code. Ghost of Heracles puts them in some of his stories and blog posts and does a much neater job of it, but I don't know how he does it. I feel that I asked him once, and he told me, and then I forgot.
I'm kind of curious how it's going to look on various other devices. Haven't checked it on mobile yet, but if FimFic's BBCode instructions are correct, it's going to show up inline where it's tagged in the text, rather than off to the edge.
I though about using column formatting, but I thought that might wind up getting weird--I could size it right for my display, but the next person might just get gibberish.
8871349
Batponies are cute AF, yo!
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/3/28/1692862__semi-dash-grimdark_artist-colon-pridark_oc_oc-colon-ebony_bat+pony_bat+pony+oc_blood_cute_female_filly_ocbetes_pony_simple+background_solo_tra.png
Not a bad idea at all.
I would gladly switch places with him!
8871366
For Equestria, or just for the batponies?
8871362
No, see, if you don't watch them, they'll try and suck your blood. >:| It's just science.
8871353
I was expecting no less
8871370
But they'll do it adorably! I'd happily let a batpony exsanguinate me.
8871352 Planning an unexpected trip to Equestria, are we? Prepare for the worst and hope for the best, and if you get both, at least you'll be surrounded by adorable ponies.
Edge notes were fine, though I'd push them over to the right another smidgen or a jot, or maybe even an inch or so (2.54cm in non-Freedom units).
8871503
The being surrounded by ponies is the important thing. Preparation is good, no question about that, but at the end of the day if you find yourself in Spitfire's shower and then tumbling to the ground from her cloudhouse, you can rest easy knowing she'll probably save you.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to push them over. The code I used puts them where it wants to and I don't think it can be modified.
This was something.
But damn it all, Bat Ponies are cute.
Enjoyable little piece all the same.
Edit: I also just saw that it's National Bat Appreciation Day.
So very coincidental that was.
8871563
It was.
They're totally cute. I'd love to snuggle one.
The funny thing is that I didn't even realize. I'll have to make a stealth edit to the story page to make it seem like I meant to do that.
8871369
Both.
Oh no, bats!
You know, this reminds me of a clip from AVGN. Specifically this one:
8871668
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/1/28/1642497__safe_artist-colon-donutnerd_oc_oc-colon-echo_oc+only_bat_bat+pony_blushing_commission_cute_eeee_eyelashes_eyes+closed_fangs_fist_fluffy_food_h.png
8871672
which in turn reminds me of this glorious clip:
8871382
...You're just weird. c.c This is also science.
Edge Notes: on my Blackberry (stop laughing, dammit) I see them simply as text wit a smaller font. Didn't disturb me too much. I suppose I'm such a minority that biologists will sit outside the cage hoping I decide to reproduce to save the species, so even if it was a problem it wouldn't be something to worry about.
Also, bat-ponies!
Nice fic. Edge notes are distracting, I wouldn't use them in a serious story. Unless it was like... written like a text book or something. They're neat, though.
8871370
That's a blood libel, boyo. Shame!
Aw the bat ponies are so helpful and gentle, he can't possibly hate them still.
8871686
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDydKhwRgU&index=13&list=PLO3pmNvd_2HSgzLA9vRuZSy9eLu3BTkom
(this album has a special place in my heart. Screw all the Bert/Ernie memes.)
8872278
They won't just libe it, son, they'll straight eat it! Murder ya! Can't trust 'em. :B
I kinda' wish more people used edge notes now.
Also batpones are the best
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/lillies_and_chestnuts_8094.png
note
Just FYI bats are not blind, some even have pretty decent eye sight
Definitely one of the less viable entry points in Equestria. Though I have to wonder where the bats get their mangoes.
In any case, lovely totally-not-PP in Equestria. Thank you for it.
I've seen many attempts at footnotes handled in many annoying ways. Edge notes are the best solution I've encountered so far, and yours looked fine to me.
media.discordapp.net/attachments/354458539923865603/436375279145975828/161439__safe_screencap_twilightsparkle_acanterlotwedding_animated_crying_d-colon-_heartbreak_loop_re.gif
As a batpony, all I can say is Skreeeeeeeeeeee!
8874087
Aw suck it up, ye namby pamby!
8874087
lovemyscience.com/straw-image.jpg
8874087 That's what you get for not writing more!
Wait, you can use edgenotes here now? Also, how do you use ‘em?
8871668
Bats!
8871721
That's something I wouldn't deny.