He Who Shall Not Be Named
A Bad Decision: He Who Shall Not Be Named – by Twifight Sparkill
"T-t-take it easy now, Twilight. Just close the book and step back," Spike stammered.
The library had several occupants this particular afternoon – not just its librarian and her assistant, but five close friends as well. These vaulted Elements of Harmony, responsible for dispatching three of the greatest evils known to Equestria, now gathered about a beloved comrade with concern and trepidation. Twilight Sparkle, their intelligent and thoughtful partner in perils past, huddled frightened against the adjacent wall in sheer terror.
"Get away!" Twilight yelled, unfocused and delirious. "Nopony can help me now!"
The assembled mares and baby dragon exchanged worried glances. None of them knew exactly what had transpired throughout the day to cause such, but all were alerted to some crisis that'd occurred whilst their unicorn brethren had been researching magic. Apparently, a book – some mongrel's tome, ragged at the corners and unsure at the spine, bereft of any conspicuous malice – had somehow managed to reduce their intrepid comrade to a babbling psychotic, barely able to control herself.
Once Spike had sought out the others in lieu of this harrowing predicament, Applejack arrived first and was completely unprepared for her friend's state; though the dragon desperately recounted the events prior, no sensible answer came. Word then reached Rarity, who upon appearance couldn't manage anything to offer in assistance. Pinkie Pie, ever the stoic optimist amongst them all, resorted to tearful resignation. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy completed the collected herd, though neither had much to offer save troubled support.
No, this remained something beyond them all. It was frightening – Twilight was losing them all in a madness of design that none could really fathom.
"Okay," Applejack breathed, rubbing at her temple with a hoof, "what exactly is the situation here, sugarcube?"
"Nothing matters anymore."
"Come again?" the apple farmer cocked an eyebrow.
"Friends don't matter," Twilight whispered in a small voice. "Learning doesn't matter. Family, happiness, love and security; everything is dust. No matter what we do, no matter who we care about or what we discover in ourselves or others, it's pointless – we are nothing."
Rainbow Dash had heard enough.
"What the hay are you talking about?" the pegasus spat, her nose inches from Twilight's muzzle. "You tardy or something? Why are you freaking out?"
"Go on, Rainbow Dash." Twilight fell to the library floor, clinging to herself in desperation. "Go join the Wonderbolts. Live your dream – when you achieve it, it'll be over in what seems like a heartbeat. You'll then be retiring; you'll grow old, you'll die. That's all you have to look forward to. It's all any of us actually have. Think about it, if you can spare the brain cells."
Rainbow didn't respond, save landing on the floor and staring at nothing.
"Darling, you're spouting some confusing nihilistic diatribe," Rarity claimed, stepping past the azure pegasus. "Can't you see past the inevitable and simply enjoy what you have?
Twilight glared.
"Look past the inevitable? That's about as ridiculous as... well, you! We're ponies, Rarity! Why do we even need clothing? You above us all are wasting fleeting talent on this decaying planet! A frivolous exhaustion; stitching up and decorating the walking dead, hoping to succeed against the inevitable? You're a joke, Rarity! You're as useless as they come! Your looks will wane, your abilities shall lessen, and before you can count the moments you'll be breathing your last regretful breath! You're as much a farcical mistake as we all are! You're less than nothing!"
Mouth agape, the white unicorn staggered back a few steps to rejoin her comrades in dumbfounded silence.
"Why? Why why why?" Pinkie Pie sobbed, head held in her hooves. "Please come back Twilight! Go towards the light! Or wait, do you go towards the light or away from it? Hold on... um, if you don't go towards the light, wouldn't it be dark and scary? I don't like the dark! What pony does? I don't think anyone does, actually. Oh! Unless they're a vampire! Hiss! They only go out at night! Well, so do raccoons, but I've never met a raccoon pony..." she droned until silenced by fiery stares from everypony else in the room.
"Um," began Fluttershy, "if you don't mind me saying, that is..."
"You of all ponies understand the value of life, Fluttershy," the librarian indicated, pointing at the pink-maned yellow Pegasus. "You watch animals die all the time! You watch them grow, thrive and accomplish nothing! Death is our reward! For all the suffering, all the fear and the fighting, the only thing we get in the end is rot! Life is a puzzling, pointless struggle that teaches us nothing but pain, and the end result is an eternity of nothingness! Hallelujah! Your pets will eat you when you die, you know, if only to further their brainless march to the same fate – have fun being rabbit food!"
Fluttershy elected not to complete her initial remark, instead shuffling next to Rarity and staying quiet.
"Hold on here a second," Applejack finally growled. "Ah've had just about enough of yer bullying everypony about dying and what have you! Snap outta this, Twilight! This ain't like you! We're trying to help you! Why're you bein' like this?"
"Oh Applejack," Twilight purred, regaining her footing. "You who provide the unwilling dead with tasty apples – mere fuel for the walking carcasses we all are! You're not a farmer, you're a soulless enabler! Filling our stomachs with sugars and sustenance as we stagger through the trivialities we pretend are lives? You're a monster! Worthless tender of the land, sower of deceit and lies, don't you know apples grow without your squandered help? You're pitiful!"
With that being said, the apple farmer cuffed Twilight hard upside the head. The lavender librarian crumpled, landing in a heavy heap at Applejack's hooves. The gathered ponies and dragon all gasped for the suddenly violent spectacle, gawking at the unconscious Twilight.
"Buck you," Applejack snorted. "Y'all got a screw loose. Spike, you better send a letter to the princess while our friend here has still got all 'er teeth. In the meanwhile, let's let her be girls. Ain't nothing we can do about this on our own."
As the ponies were ushered out, Pinkie had a thought to check the compendium that'd started this whole debauchle. Wiping her eyes, she turned the book in her hooves.
"... Decision Points, by George W. Bush," she read aloud." We're lucky that she didn't kill us all outright, to be fair."
The End.
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NO CONSEQUENCE!
Why, Twilight, why!?
Awesome. That's exactly how I think.
Wat. Good... but... wat.
Oh God... I enjoyed this story so much - everyone was in character, you can write well, and it was building up to a great climax but: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE!
Oh well. Keep at it, you're a good writer - bear in mind that I'm English, so that's probably why the last line went over my head.
Imma give you an Applejack.
At first I was like,
, but then I was like 
!
A STORY BY TWIFIGHT SPARKILL!?!
(gasps!)
and all I have to say now is-
politics.
Twilight knows that's some scary stuff right there.
Soundly written, though the ending may have been a bit harsh. I upvoted 'cuz I liked it.
I was expecting 50 Shades of Grey, but George Bush is pretty good too.
Okay, I laughed. The punch line is kinda dated though. But you're writing was great, it was over the top and silted but that seemed to be what you were going for and you did it well.
Good job! I'd love to see more from you.
Life is a cruel game.
What is wrong with death? Why do we live? Are we just some sort of show created by some all powerful being for their own enjoyment? Our pain and Suffering, for another's enjoyment?! Why?!
Screw life.
but yeah, lol.
942498
My thoughts EXACTLY.
(So funny...)
This is one hell of a case of Existential Nihilism. I liked it.
Dear 942494, 942498, 942512, 942520, 942521, 942526, 942530, 942531, 942550, and 942609:
I'm SO happy and excited! I told myself I wouldn't be, but... I see so many of you that I recognize. It's awesome you stopped by! Thank you all very much for taking time to read... whatever this was. I'm neither nihilistic nor political, honestly. I don't write either - this entire process was the fault/design of KitsuneRisu, my very patient friend. He's taught and inspired, and I am humbly grateful. As have GingerNutGin, Bookplayer, and Church - you're awesome.
942699
fuuuuu. You did good, mate. Crisp, clean writing and a book twist that I didn't expect.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6kczrgicN1qj5s7f.gif
942699 Awww... I get recognized?
This makes me very happy (See GingerNutGin's comment)
I award you a mustache for your efforts.
Good show =)
Good first attempt, and rather comprehensive by its own right. You should really go for a proper long fic! Something meaty and tasty...
Perhaps some
? =D
942979
I'm not a lesbian, they're just cartoons, GET OVER IT.
noo Twilight dont read George Bush Nooooooo
943101
Too late she took the red pill
942699
Recognized eh?
I'm guessing like me you keep seein' the same ponies on the same stories or.... You've read mah fic?!
Doubt the latter but anyway thanks for the acknowledge and uh great story maybe you'll make moar random funnies in de future for us?
943113
I do run into a lot of familiar faces - guess we must have similar pony tastes? As in GOOD? ... so wait, why are you here reading THIS?
I love comedy. I don't think I'm capable of writing anything... you know, meaningful?
I'll read your story! JUST YOU WAIT!
943158
(I REALLY need to get the firs' chap editted NOW
)
Haha that's what I keep thinkin' after all there IS a feature box... anyway thanks for the read! I actually didn't wanna be like "mind reading and tellin me wat cha think?" cuz than that'd be spam any who....lemme know wat cha tink!
BOOKS ARE EVIL!
PLAY MORE VIDEO GAMES!
That's all i have to say.
Most excellent! Though isn't Twilight's point negated by the Alicorns? Twilights next step would obviously be:
1. Elevate herself to alicorn status
2. Necromancy
3. Bio-transference to an inorganic body.
I would go with option 3, if only to lead the coming robot rebellion.
945222
Hm. HM. You're absolutely right.
I think perhaps, despite evidence to the contrary considering Twilight's relationship with Celestia, she's grossly aware of her own harrowing mortality. I mean, her decent into temporary madness came during a vulnerability - under ideal circumstances, she would have been her objective self - however, being the sleep-deprived verile nerd MOST OF US assume she is, this recorded text hit like a ton of bricks, leaving her vaulted reasoning to sit and watch the fireworks. TRUST ME ON THIS, even the most ACCUTE and SENSIBLE AWARENESS is SEVERELY RETARDED when denied sleep.
Thankfully, Applejack administered a hoof-sized sleeping aid.
Now all I can think about is Sweetie Bot. MNRRGH.
I'm sorry but I didn't get it. Why is she freaking out over a book called "Decision Points By George W. Bush"? Is there something in there about death or something?
947555
You know what? It's not just you. A lot of folks don't get it.
Basically, the idea was thus: only a book of pure, logic-defying brutality and horror could ever affect Twilight so dramatically; a written evil that would curdle the mind and destroy all hope. I elected to make that book the spin-doctored political memoirs of one of the most notorious - and at times comically inept - presidents of all time. For sheer dramatic effect - I mean, how did it get to Equestria, never mind that particular library? As an utter absurdity, a daft "suspension of disbelief" piece, it sort of works and sort of doesn't. Some folks liked it! I'm happy about that!
The best thing to do is come away from every experience having learned something, which I have - I know now that American political satire might be a bit narrow for a fandom with such a diverse base. Also, don't answer questions on three hours of sleep; I've answered this question three times now, and as KitsuneRisu so eloquently summed my frenzied, manic prior attempts, "what the heck!?". Paraphrasing, of course.
I'm sure everyone wishes they could redo their first ever story, but ya know? I'm okay with this. Still makes me chortle! I had a blast, got some favorites and watchers, made me proud! Made some friends through the experience! It's my first story, heck! I had some 250 people read it! That's awesome! ... at least so I'm told!
I couldn't ask for anything more.
I lol'd
960546
YAY! You're part of a very small percentage that has lol'd, so... that's why you're awesome.
TRUST ME ON THIS.
942699
Aw, that's cool.
Still don't get the joke though...
975308
I don't really completely understand the joke either - it just makes me laugh every time!
WHY IS THIS STORY GETTING SO MANY READERS!? WHY DOES IT MAKE ME SO HAPPY?
The world isn't meant to know. Please though, post a comment if you're happy. I need the criticism or stabilizing enlightenment to continue my attempts at writing - I have no idea how, is basically it. EVERYTHING HELPS.
EXCEPT POLITICS.
Ahhhh politics in my ponies? It does not mix
Very well done. Choice of book for punchline questionable, but offhand I can't think of another - wait. Dammit, Twilight might work, if it weren't her name. Or maybe that makes it better?
A book of actual mind-curdling evil or nihilistic philosophy, wouldn't work. Mein Kampf just isn't funny.
1280985
YAY! Thank you for taking the time to read my story, Bad Horse! You kinda totally made my freaking day!
Hm. As Bookplayer mentioned as well, I could have picked a more recent and relevant release, but... what can I say? Decision Points is absurdly horrific - most would prefer not to think about it, I get that.
It was my first story, eh. It still makes me smirk! That, and I can't change it now, keeps me from sufficiently realistic modification. If I did rearrange things, perhaps I'd make the punchline to do with Paula Abdul's life story, or something on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
STILL YAY!
i.imgur.com/M9ziz.jpg
hard. Twilight better watch what she reads next time.
Lol I liked it, the ending made me
1342343
AH! Finally, someone else gets the joke! YES!
1342355 Yeeup
I even photoshopped that picture for that comment.
1342374
You did??
You sir, you rock.
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LOLOLOL!! THat was exceptionally entertaining, just what I expect from my little Twifight!
Great job!!
1574539
YAY! I totally love you for that - I NEVER usually live up to expectations! WOO! MADE MY DAY!
1584116
Glad I did, Twily!
Damn you, Bush!!!