A Sub Turns The Tables

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Comments ( 10 )

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ThatAustrian

ThatAustrian #1 · Nov 8th, 2017 · 2 · ·

Hmmm wouldnt mind more of this~

Shadowbolts

Shadowbolts #2 · Nov 9th, 2017 · · ·

This was weird but it was good keep up the work

Also I can't find any scoots Silver spoon fanfics or clopfics do you know about any suggestions

Mix-up

Mix-up #3 · Nov 9th, 2017 · · ·

This was a good read to have, always love Dusk Shine clop. Hope to see more of that kind of stuff.

Vocal Range

Vocal Range #4 · Nov 9th, 2017 · · ·

8538333
I can't confirm or deny a possible sequel in the future

Vithkrask

Vithkrask #5 · Nov 9th, 2017 · 3 · ·

8538333
I second that

Ponygon

Ponygon #6 · Nov 16th, 2017 · · ·

Ah, finally, a story where R63 Rainbow is the dom. Nice job.

Are you sure you had it edited, though? I found a few mistakes, and weird repetitions that nearly derailed the immersion.

Vocal Range

Vocal Range #7 · Nov 16th, 2017 · · ·

8555119
It was edited but everyone can miss occasional things even the best of editors, what mistakes did you find and I can go back and fix them?

Ponygon

Ponygon #8 · Nov 17th, 2017 · · ·

8555252
I think I might be wrong about the repetition, but I remember the word "dominant" appearing in far too close a succession that the sentences read awkwardly. For example, do you know that you've only once used the contraction, "dom", in the entire story and it's Dusk who uses it? Blitz always uses the full term:

"Hell, our first three-way he had some mare be dominant over him, but he won’t let me even talk about being dominant."

And later on:

"...and show him how awesome I can be as a dominant."

Then again, I might be overthinking it. Maybe you should get a third opininion on this one. They're not huge problems that you need to tackle (as I said, it nearly derailed the immersion), but it's something to bear in mind when writing later stories.

By the way, in the fifth paragraph, you have this very strange sentence:

A crimson hue barely visible through his cyan coat, even his ears are a rosy red color."

The first half has no verb.

I like your work so far, and I look forward to seeing more.

Vocal Range

Vocal Range #9 · Nov 17th, 2017 · · ·

8557258
You're right I did have the word dominant used way to much...so I went back and used the two interchangeable so its about 50/50 now. Thanks for the thoughts and I'll keep it in mind on my sequel and other stories.

Dusk Melody