Daring Do and the Bat King Sepulcher

by Comrade Bagel Muffin

The Bane of the Bracelet

The great forest of the Undiscovered East. A vast forest spanning twice the size of Equestiria at the smallest estimate. In this massive untamed wilderness were countless treasures, artifacts, and ruins, waiting to be discovered. Anyone of which would make an explorer like Daring Do antsy. However, she wasn't here to uncover any of them. She was here to return one. A very annoying one which was fastened tightly around her front hoof.

She hurried through the under brush of the expansive forest. Being sure to avoid the sunlight. She stayed completely in the shadows. When she had first put on the bracelet she learned the hard way that it didn't play nice with sunlight. She cursed her luck under her breath. She knew Ahuizotl was up to something. He always was and when she saw the bracelet she figured that was his plan. She was right of course, But being her usual arrogant self she put the bracelet on to taunt the ancient being. And then promptly found out that it was cursed.

This curse wasn't a joke either. She had barely made it out alive. Given that the curse caused sunlight to burn her, and it was noon when she had, in her hubris put the accursed thing on. Suddenly she was pulled back to reality from her thoughts. Ahuizohtl had been on her tail since she fled the temple that housed the bracelet. Naturally, she had been set on edge with every sound and shadow. She was not at her best, and knew full well a fight with Ahiuzotl would not end favorably for her.

"Daring where are you?" Ahiuzotl taunted. He wasn't close. The one good thing about the bracelet was that it had increased her hearing nearly a hundred fold. She doubled her pace cursing her luck. Ahiuzotl never hunted alone and doubtless his cats were a lot closer. "Marco," Ahoizotl called out. "Marco."

Daring moved quicker and quicker away. Rrawz-rrawz! Daring skidded to the side as a panther slashed at her. She winced as some of the sunlight that tricked down moved across her skin. She could hear padded paws closing in on her from every side but one. She bolted away. Not caring about the excruciating pain that each ray of sunlight caused her. She flapped her wings. Her once beautiful feathery appendages were now bare and leathery, another side affect of the bracelet's curse. She flew as quick as the dense forest would allow. weaving around trees and rocks. The pain from the sunlight becoming worse and worse, as she bolted taking the path of least resistance. which wasn't the most shady path through the forest.

"Ahh," she half screamed half grunted as Ahiuzotl's pounced and pinned her to the ground. Worse still was the beam of sunlight that was falling directly on her forehead. "Get off of me. Get off."

"Ah there you are Daring." Ahuizotl walked up to the pinned pegasus with a triumphant grin on his face. His tail grabbed her by the chin and held her head still. She let out a scream as the sunlight continued to burn the same spot. "Enjoying the bracelet of King Umbra?" Daring grit her teeth and forced herself to not cry out in pain, nor shed a single tear. She wasn't about to give this monster any pleasure in killing her. To her surprise he pulled her up and with his tail and using his hands quickly and effectively bound tied her up.

"What are you doing. Why not just kill me and be done with it?" She asked as Ahiuzotl began to drag her along the ground.

"Kill you?" Ahiuzotl sounded amused at the question. "Here? Now? Oh Daring no I could never be rid of you in such an unceremonious way. I will end our little game of cat and mouse, but you deserve better than to just die. You will enjoy what I have in store Daring." She gulped.

After hours of being dragged in the dirt by her arch nemesis, across the forest floor, Daring was slightly relieved when they came to a stop. Ahiuzotl lifted her up, so she could see where he had taken her.

"The Sepulcher of King Umbra." Daring gazed in awe at the obsidian pyramid and the dozen limestone free standing pillars. Ahiuzotl lifted her up and held her in front of him facing the clearing, and began to untie her leaving only her now leathery wings still bound tightly to her side.

"You're free Daring. All you have to do is get the bracelet to its rightful owner and the curse is lifted."

"What's the catch?"

"The catch." Ahiuzotl purred. "Is you have to find a way inside." And with that he cast Daring into the clearing and the unabated sunlight. She squealed out in pain a dozen octaves higher than her normal voice. The bracelet began to glow as tuffs of fur began to grow on her ears, and her canines began to protrude ever so slightly. Her pupils slitted. Suddenly there was no more pain. It didn't do anything to alleviate the pain she had already endured, but the fact that it had stopped was enough. She curled up and tried to slow her breathing. She felt completely wrong, and absolutely ashamed at the tears streaking down her face. The Pillars had begun to recede into the ground as soon as she screamed her high pitch squeal. All twelve pillars were now completely gone. An entrance had opened in the side of the pyramid, and Ahiuzotl was already retying the ropes around her. Ahiuzohl dragged Daring into the pyramid.

Her slitted eyes easily adjusted to the darkness of the interior. She slowly calmed down as she read the glyphs, and by the time they reached the end she had regained all of her composure. In fact when they came to the room at the heart of the pyramid she was completely calm. The room was empty save two fixtures a rectangular table with the short ends facing the entrance to the room, and the other end facing a pitch black sarcophagus.

"Ah It's good to see you've calmed back down. I always imagined that you'd be calm in the face of death. I am so glad that you've not disappointed me." Ahiuzohl dragged Daring to the table and tied her hoofs to the four corners.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"You saw the glyphs Daring, Umbra's fury and power were near unequaled in his time, and they say that three things are needed to raise the long dead king. A bat pony, to open the door, his bracelet to awaken him, and a sacrifice to sustain him." Daring lay calmly on her back not even trying struggle to break her bonds.

"And let me guess, since the bracelet turns its wearer into a bat pony, you figured that you'd kill three birds with one stone."

"No," Ahiuzotl smiled and pinched her cheek. "I figured I'd kill four birds with one stone. I'd have you to open the door and deliver the bracelet the pyramid. I'd have you as the sacrifice, and most importantly of all I'd finally be rid of you Daring Do." The bracelet began to glow and sarcophagus began to shack the lid fell off.

Umbra stepped out, on his hind hooves, His leathery wings spread wide and began to flap. Despite being full of holes they supported him and kept him in the air. His eye sockets glowed yellow and in his dried mummified hoof he held a staff at the top of which rested a crescent blade.

"Finally, I finally win." Ahiuzotl pulled out a knife. Daring's eyes remained fixed on Umbra. Ahiuzotl brought the knife down on Daring a hard as he could. Before the blade made contact with her chest Umbra intercepted it with his staff and with his wings knocked Ahiuzotl away from Daring Do. Daring started to laugh her voice high pitched than usual. "I don't understand. What did you do Daring Do?"

"I didn't do anything Ahiuzotl." Daring chuckled. "You didn't do your research. Umbra was a fierce pony, and his wrath was unequaled, yes, but Umbra was a good king not a tyrant, and protected his ponies. The glyphs out side tell the story. If the bat ponies are ever threatened they need only bring his bracelet back to him and he will rise and bring his fury down on his enemies, and their blood will sustain him, and as you pointed out I am a bat pony. You do the math." Ahiuzotl charged and brought the knife down on the Daring. Umbra again intercepted the knife shattering it with the crescent blade of his axe. Ahiuzotl gulped and fled as fast as he could Daring giggling as he cursed her. "Thank you Umbra." The ancient bat king looked down at her and cut the ropes that were holding her down. He looked at the bracelet. "Um not that I mind being a bat pony, I really do love the ears and all, but I think that this belongs to you." She offered her hoof to Umbra who tapped the bracelet. It fell off, and glowing in a yellow aura flew through the small hole in the celling and back to its resting place. Umbra turned and did like wise. His yellow eyes watched Daring as the lid resealed in front off him. Daring smiled and walked back out.

She speared her feathered wings in and flew off in to the sunset heading back west toward her home.

Comments

[Grekoy]

Great story. I love a good short adventure.

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8486592
Merci what parts did you like?

[Grekoy]

8486627I like the way you inform the reader the location and what is happening in a few sentences.

[Allstar13521]

She doubled her pass cursing her luck.

- She doubled her pace cursing her luck.

Rrawz-rrawz Daring

- Rrawz-rrawz./! Daring

She could her padded paws

- She could hear padded paws

but you deserve better than just die.

- but you deserve better than to just die.

Your free Daring

- You're free Daring

he cast daring into

- he cast Daring into

She calmed herself she read all the glyphs

- She calmed herself by reading all the glyphs/ To calm herself she read all the glyphs

the room in at the heart

- the room in the heart
not technically incorrect but formally you're supposed to pick just one.

and a sacrifice to sustain him. Daring lay calmly on her back not even trying struggle to break her bonds.

- and a sacrifice to sustain him." Daring lay calmly on her back not even trying struggle to break her bonds.

and his wraith was unequaled,

- and his wrath was unequaled,
a "wraith" is a vengeful spirit

This was a good read, especially liked the little hint at the ending, where reading the glyphs calmed her down, when you'd expect it to just cause more panic to know exactly how you're going to die. A few mistakes but it's definitely better than my french is so no worries there.

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8487435
Merci for finding all of these I will fix them when I get home from work tonight. Et merci for the comment.

[Allstar13521]

8487440
You're welcome and thanks for the positive reply.

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8487499
Of course free editing I'll even give you credit, why wouldn't I be positive?

[Allstar13521]

8488627
Sometimes I feel come off as too critical or aggressive. American authors specifically dislike my tendency to endlessly correct their 'Americanisms' . My brain just refuses to think in American spelling and I find myself agreeing with it.

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8488653
Pas probleme, all is well.

[Keel]

You are on fire with these fics! Good read.

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8490822
Merci what did you like about it?

[Keel]

8490853
Absolutely everything! Or do you wan`t something specific?

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8490888
I enjoy specifics. Also your's should be out by next week.

[Keel]

8490895
Sorry for the log response.

So the specific thing is I really like the whole idea about it. It`s original, it`s orchestrated well, and written finely.

[Feather Book]

This review is brought to you by the group, "A for Effort".
Name of Story: Daring Do and the Bat King Sepulcher
Total Score out of 10: 6
Pros:
I did not notice any glaring spelling mistakes and the story was competent enough.

Cons:
There wasn't very much substance to the story. It felt rather bare bones. Everything was kind of rushed through until it reached an unsatisfying concision.

Review:
I'll admit, I wasn't sure of weather to give this fic a 5 or a 6. This story, while okay, does have some problems, namely, it reads like a first draft. There are several times where the story repeats itself and it doesn't take time to flesh out the setting, characters and world. I know it's a one-shot, but an extra 500 or so words could have really helped here.

The prose itself leaves a lot to be desired. While it's not bad, it's not really good either. It's a bit clumsy in some areas and isn't all that engaging to read. For example:

Daring moved quicker and quicker away. Rrawz-rrawz! Daring skidded to the side as a panther slashed at her.

What is "Rrawz-rrawz"? Is it the sound a panther makes? I'm not sure, it's just kind of thrown in there in the middle of Daring Do's actions. You also say, "Daring moved quicker and quicker away." This isn't really as interesting to read then showing us Daring galloping through the tight forest, desperately attempting to dodge the rays of sunlight that beamed down through the parted leaves.

And the ending. I imagine it's supposed to be this big, tense, thing. Daring Do is captured and burnt by the sun. She's at Ahuizotl's mercy in the centre of a great pyramid. About to be sacrificed to an ancient king... because Ahiuzotl want's Umbra's help or something? I don't know. Anyway, It kind of flies by without much tension or really anything interesting going on. Umbra suddenly wakes up (with no foreshadowing or buildup I might add), beats up Ahiuzotl, Daring gives him the bracelet and then flys away. That's all what happens.

In the end I gave it a 6 just because I don't think it deserves a 5. Just... It's a very narrow 6. The story isn't bad. It's just needs more to it to be good.

[Comrade Bagel Muffin]

8622908
Better than a five, not the worse. Merci for the review.