Deep in the forest of Equestria's West Daring Do hunts down the legendary tomb of the Bat King. And return a cursed artifact to it's rightful owner and escape Ahuizotl's attempts on her life.
Editing provided by: Allstar13521
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 18th May, 2016
- offline last seen March 6th
Comrade Bagel Muffin
I'm the reason when you search Quibble you'll find Scootaloo too. PM me if you want to talk about anything one on one. Well I finally set up a patreon...Hazaa???
Comrade Bagel Muffin
Joined 18th May, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Comrade Bagel Muffin · 1.8k words · 10 2 · 477 views
Featured In16
- Adventure2,988 stories ·1,217 members
One-Shots18,888 stories ·2,368 members
- Daring Do479 stories ·630 members
Short Stories5,067 stories ·547 members
- Great One Shots102 stories ·32 members
HEROES 863 stories ·363 members
Completed Story Compendium21,017 stories ·1,702 members
Bat ponies and Thestrals; stories of the night.874 stories ·2,666 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.035 seconds
Total duration
1,125 users online
2,047,836 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Great story. I love a good short adventure.
8486592
Merci what parts did you like?
8486627I like the way you inform the reader the location and what is happening in a few sentences.
- She doubled her pace cursing her luck.
- Rrawz-rrawz./! Daring
- She could hear padded paws
- but you deserve better than to just die.
- You're free Daring
- he cast Daring into
- She calmed herself by reading all the glyphs/ To calm herself she read all the glyphs
- the room in the heart
not technically incorrect but formally you're supposed to pick just one.
- and a sacrifice to sustain him." Daring lay calmly on her back not even trying struggle to break her bonds.
- and his wrath was unequaled,
a "wraith" is a vengeful spirit
This was a good read, especially liked the little hint at the ending, where reading the glyphs calmed her down, when you'd expect it to just cause more panic to know exactly how you're going to die. A few mistakes but it's definitely better than my french is so no worries there.
8487435
Merci for finding all of these I will fix them when I get home from work tonight. Et merci for the comment.
8487440
You're welcome and thanks for the positive reply.
8487499
Of course free editing I'll even give you credit, why wouldn't I be positive?
8488627
. My brain just refuses to think in American spelling and I find myself agreeing with it.
Sometimes I feel come off as too critical or aggressive. American authors specifically dislike my tendency to endlessly correct their 'Americanisms'
8488653
Pas probleme, all is well.
You are on fire with these fics! Good read.
8490822
Merci what did you like about it?
8490853
Absolutely everything! Or do you wan`t something specific?
8490888
I enjoy specifics. Also your's should be out by next week.
8490895
Sorry for the log response.
So the specific thing is I really like the whole idea about it. It`s original, it`s orchestrated well, and written finely.
This review is brought to you by the group, "A for Effort".
Name of Story: Daring Do and the Bat King Sepulcher
Total Score out of 10: 6
Pros:
I did not notice any glaring spelling mistakes and the story was competent enough.
Cons:
There wasn't very much substance to the story. It felt rather bare bones. Everything was kind of rushed through until it reached an unsatisfying concision.
Review:
I'll admit, I wasn't sure of weather to give this fic a 5 or a 6. This story, while okay, does have some problems, namely, it reads like a first draft. There are several times where the story repeats itself and it doesn't take time to flesh out the setting, characters and world. I know it's a one-shot, but an extra 500 or so words could have really helped here.
The prose itself leaves a lot to be desired. While it's not bad, it's not really good either. It's a bit clumsy in some areas and isn't all that engaging to read. For example:
What is "Rrawz-rrawz"? Is it the sound a panther makes? I'm not sure, it's just kind of thrown in there in the middle of Daring Do's actions. You also say, "Daring moved quicker and quicker away." This isn't really as interesting to read then showing us Daring galloping through the tight forest, desperately attempting to dodge the rays of sunlight that beamed down through the parted leaves.
And the ending. I imagine it's supposed to be this big, tense, thing. Daring Do is captured and burnt by the sun. She's at Ahuizotl's mercy in the centre of a great pyramid. About to be sacrificed to an ancient king... because Ahiuzotl want's Umbra's help or something? I don't know. Anyway, It kind of flies by without much tension or really anything interesting going on. Umbra suddenly wakes up (with no foreshadowing or buildup I might add), beats up Ahiuzotl, Daring gives him the bracelet and then flys away. That's all what happens.
In the end I gave it a 6 just because I don't think it deserves a 5. Just... It's a very narrow 6. The story isn't bad. It's just needs more to it to be good.
8622908
Better than a five, not the worse. Merci for the review.