• Member Since 18th May, 2016
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Comrade Bagel Muffin


I'm the reason when you search Quibble you'll find Scootaloo too. PM me if you want to talk about anything one on one.

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Just a simple Slice of Life story of Quibble and his daughter Scootaloo sharing a day together.

This was originally going to be about Scootaloo bragging about her adopted dad during a family appreciation day. But I think it is better now just a normal day for the father daughter duo. There were no stories with just the two of them so I naturally had to rectify this terrible injustice! For The Q, from CBM

In universe Stories:
Dad, coltfriend. Coltfriend Dad
Hospitals and Honeysuckles
Sick Day
Double Date
A Father's Lullaby
Scootaloo's Coltfriend
Rainbow's Crash

Art by HerrEsel

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 35 )

*crosses Quibble off the list of characters who haven't adopted or been related to Scootaloo* Wow, that list is getting shorter and shorter isn't it?

Seriously though, good fic, short, but a nice little slice of life story.

8036740 I am glad that you enjoyed it.

So weirdly I neither up nor downvoted this, its a cute enough little story that's pretty well written most of the time.

But it needs more of a plot and you have a habit of being a tad redundant.

8036784 True on both counts I will admit. I wish those who did thumbs up would also comment. Your criticism is and I'm to tired to argue, Besides one read though and I know what you say is true.

A nice, sweet bit of fluff, and a welcome change from the usual treatment of Scoots that I've seen. The only thing I don't understand is why he was glad his wife wasn't present for the dedication Rainbow did, unless her passing away had been recent but it's your story, not mine.

Still going into my favorites, none the less.

8037702 It was more of a sensual nature. From a prior joke he had made with her.

This was... nice. I'm honestly not sure why, it's just a nice little snapshot into a life. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like a bit more, but I'm okay with this.

That said, I did get a bit confused whether Scoots is supposed to be Quibble's daughter by adoption or not - most of the story seemed to indicate adoption, but a couple of comments - the "she has your eyes" bit, for example - would imply that it's biological.

Nevertheless, like it.

This does not really sell the premises of Quibble as Scootaloo's dad or that Quibble and Rainbow are romantically involved, but it was still fun and cute. Sorry can't give it a thumbs up, but can't give it a thumbs down either.

8040840 Yet again was just making a little snap shot in life, Also thanks, if only the people who did thumbs up would answer. Thank you for your criticisms.

Just as I have spoken thus I hath delivered mine judgment! :pinkiecrazy:

First I actually must start with description and presentation. The description is too informal and does not sell the story well. Those 250 characters are very important to be captivating because they are what serves as advertisement for readers. The lack of picture is also a minus and FiM readers do not like when there is none (yes unfair and stupid but true).

Formatting surprised me as it is novel formatting as opposed to common Fim Fic formatting (or maybe I am wrong). The formatting makes the story seem tiny but it is still well done as far as I can see and is not a wall of text. At least I was not confused by the events and dialog positioning.
Grammar I have no complains and with my very limited understanding I believe it is adequate and correct. My only spelling complaint would be tat you used Wonder Bolts instead of Wonderbolts. You probably would want to ask a native English speaker or proper Proofreader regarding grammar as I am not qualified.

Regarding story structure I do have some issues. It starts good in my opinion with the first introductory scene in home. But when they arrive at Canterlot and watch the show the story changes style and speeds through the event. The ending scene returns to the original style. I would argue that ending invokes most of emotion and it is best part of the story.
Story itself is very simple and strictly speaking isn't really a story but just description of a day between daughter and father. That is good for invoking the feels but without a plot it falls flat for me at least.

Characters well there are only two and story is very short for me to have any serious talk about them.
Scootaloo is fairly accurately presented in my opinion and is introduced well.
Quibble on the other hand could have been any pony really, I mean you did introduce him well but the character you used is not same as the show version. That is not strictly bad but for short story it does mater.


I can't say honestly that I liked or disliked the story. I have listed my opinions on various points and hope they help. But of course keep in mind that they are just opinions of one person and not necessarily correct either.

8048431 With many friendly regards, thank you for the critique. Erst mal und diese ist sehr wichig so I feel it must be first. This was written in the course of a single night so, yerp the lack of a plot is done more or less on purpose. The story is called Father Daughter Day and it is just as you say it is

just description of a day between daughter and father

. Next Thank you for your many praises on the story in that you found nothing grammatically wrong and that you were able to follow it well. If the Quibble group has their little contest I will write a longer one and hopefully fix that little point on Quibble's character not feeling right. To the fact of are I have just recently one a bet against HerrEsel and will soon be getting cover art so that's a thing. Sadly I'm not very good a short descriptions. As far as I can tell because it seems the bulk of people who thumbs upped this didn't tell me much jack is that of what you said. It's okay not good but not bad enough to incur down votes. Pacing was due to the fact that I wanted it out quickly and I didn't feel like describing in great detail them eating and talking to RD. RD wasn't give a tag for this story because it is just Quibble and Scootaloo.
MFG,
Comrade Bagel Muffin

Wow, I did not see that ending coming. It was so sweet and is my favorite part of the story. Overall, this was a very nice story and I liked seeing Scootaloo have a family instead of being an orphan.

I liked it. It was a fun short story. Like some said, you don't get the full parent-child feel from them, but I think that's more length and novelty of concept. Overall it's still a good read. The ending was rather touching though. I didn't expect that twist, but it does make sense.

8074933 I'm glad you liked it and that the ending didn't seem out of place I felt a little concerned about it but it hasn't turned anyone off at least not that anyone has said. About the father daughter thing I think I got better at that in the next story featuring these two.Dad, coltfriend. Coltfriend Dad

8074939 It's next on my To Read list actually. Plan to get to it in a couple minutes/an hour or so. The ending answered the question about where she was that had cropped up, and shows the care both still have for her. Does make me wonder about that potential flirting from RD though :rainbowlaugh:

8074953 It's been awhile since her passing and while he still loves his wife he's trying to move on with his life. I intend to write a story about that later on.

First off! Love the story.

Second, a couple of grammar mistakes:

"Well I know how much you like Rainbow Dash," Quibble began.
"Yeah she the best!"
"She sure is."

It should be

"Yeah, she's the best!"

Also sometimes you spell Dad as dad. Given that it is a proper noun, it needs to be capitalised. :rainbowderp:

Third, the characters and dialogue are awesome. I think that you really respect the characters and are accurate in their interactions.

Fourth you also suck because I nearly started to cry :raritycry :and I am at work.

Overall, it is a really good story, and the type of story I love to read. Bittersweet, just like my coffee. :ajsmug:

Keep up the great work! :pinkiehappy:

8153168 Thank you very much for your critique the reason dad is capitalized in some places but not others is because in some places it is standing in for Quibbles name and in other places it is not, and according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary dad is just a noun not a proper noun. Face palm I can't believe is is giving me my headaches. I am glad that you enjoyed the story, and glad that it inspired such emotion. Thank you and enjoy your day.

8153536 fair call. I'm no grammar Nazi, but I know it's annoying when you read your own work that you have published and suddenly realize that you have made a mistake in your writing. When I see something like that I try to help out as best as I can. I hope others do the same for me too.

JackRipper
Story Approver

This review is brought to you by the group, "A for Effort". :twilightsmile:
Name of Story:

Total Score out of 10: 7

Pros: Scootaloo is in character and her interaction with her dad is cute, I think it's done really well. The dialogue is fairly solid and while there is exposition, it keeps it to an overall minimum for the most part.

Cons: I feel like the story as a whole was overly-saccharine in a sense that I couldn't obtain that bittersweet feeling subconsciously. I prefer not to have my emotions mulled over so much as being corralled in a direction you want me to interpret. I also felt it's grammar could have been tweaked a little more, but I'm also a nit-pick for small details.

Additional Notes: This story is good, but it doesn't amaze me. It lives up to the expectation of being a cute little heartwarming story that a lot of people will love and find refreshing. While I won't tell you for settling for less, this story is definitely a step in the right direction for you. :twilightsmile:

8167353 So no spelling or grammar mistakes. I just wanted a sweet story. Thank you for you critique. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, but I am glad that you reviewed it thank you.

JackRipper
Story Approver

8167947
No. I said the grammar could be tweaked a little and that it was a step in the right direction for you.

I will reiterate by saying that the story did not amaze me, but I did like reading it. It was sweet, but it wasn't entirely awe-inspiring. :twilightsmile:

8167951 Ah merci thank you for clearing that up for me. Good is a step in the right direction I agree.

You have a good story here, but when you mentioned the time they had to wait. Keep in mind that one hour is 60 minutes, so their wait time was 2 hours and 20 minutes. Otherwise you did a great job.

8201418 It isn't much a problem but I yeah it is a bit confusing I'll go ahead and fix it.

That ending wouldn't have anything to do with Patton Oswalt losing his wife last year, wouldn't it?

By the way, this is a good story. It could have used a bit more dialogue though.

8519012
Unless that's general Patton I have know idea who that is. Just looked it up, I don't know who that is.

8519163
Ah d'accord. Nope it wasn't about that.

Cute story with decent writing. A good pick me up.

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