• Member Since 9th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Godzillawolf


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AK Yearling is an award winning author that moonlights as an artifact seeking adventurer and regularly stops a rogues gallery of villains...or is it the other way around?

When an autograph signing accidentally activates one of those artifacts, AK Yearling comes face to face with her greatest challenge: her own creation, Daring Do.

What happens when the real pony meets her ideal self?

A commission from Alexwarlorn. This was really fun to write! Chapter 2 is commissioned and incoming!

Thanks to IFlySNA94 for the preview pic!

My Little Pony Belongs to Hasbro!

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 91 )

That would be absolutely heart breaking to have a better version of yourself appear. :fluttercry: I shall keep an eye on this story.

I love this concept! Good job.

This is actually pretty interesting. I have a few bits of feedback, if you wouldn't mind.

First, I want to say I loved the bit where Daring Do annihilates the burglar, nicely setting up what Daring Do can do in contrast to Yearling's comparitively slow abilities and explaining the conflict in one fell swoop. Establishes a lot of crucial plot points right there, and it was fun to read the over-the-top action hero-ey way that fits in with Daring Do's image.


However, I do have a criticism about how Daring Do's formation was written.

The magic twisted and turned into a new shape. First it seemed to form into an orb of light. Then the shadowy, translucent outline of a blank yellow pegasus (no mane and tail, no Cutie Mark, no identifying features). It solidified, then a black, gray, and light gray mane and tail manifested over her from lines of blue energy, as if they were being sketched into existence. A compass formed on her flank as if an artist's brush was painting it in. A familiar green adventurer's shirt and pith helmet were the last to form in the same fashion.

This paragraph is a bit janky to me for two reasons. First, is "it seemed to form into a orb of light." "Seemed", as far as my reasearch into the writing craft has gone, is in the vein of the word "very." It weakens the sentence. I would have written "the magic snaked out of the Chisel and formed into an orb of light, before assuming the shadowy, transculent outline of a blank yellow pegasus."

Second, is your brackets. It stuck out like a sore thumb and jolted me out of my visualization of Daring Do forming. Your description as you move onwards actually covers this detail far better than your set of brackets, somewhat ironically.

...Then the shadowy, translucent outline of a blank yellow pegasus. It solidified, then a black, gray, and light gray mane and tail manifested over her from lines of blue energy, as if they were being sketched into existence. A compass formed on her flank as if an artist's brush was painting it in...

Much easier to read, and still establishes Daring Do's formation nicely.


Last thing, I really love the sheer originality of the concept, and the devious question that the fic poses: what do you do when someone, or somepony, is simply better than you are? There were shreds of this in the episode Magic Duel, but this fanfic addresses the theme way better.

In my opinion, the major thing holding this fic back from being on the top stories list is grammar and odd writing decisions like I described above. If you want an editor, feel free to send me a message and we can work it out.

All in all, liked, favourited, and looking forwards to the next chapter.

5186166 Thanks, I made the edit you suggested. Thank you for that.

I do kinda want a beta reader, but at the same time I don't know if that's cheating when it comes to commissions or not.

"First, I want to say I loved the bit where Daring Do annihilates the burglar, nicely setting up what Daring Do can do in contrast to Yearling's comparitively slow abilities and explaining the conflict in one fell swoop. Establishes a lot of crucial plot points right there, and it was fun to read the over-the-top action hero-ey way that fits in with Daring Do's image."

I'm glad that worked out as intended. It was very much intended to establish those things and that it did it's job is definitely good to know.

"Last thing, I really love the sheer originality of the concept, and the devious question that the fic poses: what do you do when someone, or somepony, is simply better than you are? There were shreds of this in the episode Magic Duel, but this fanfic addresses the theme way better."

The idea was actually the client Alexwarlorn, a friend of mine who commissioned this, but it was only the very basic idea and I fleshed most of it out. Thanks from both of us. This was pretty fun to write.

This is a great idea for a fanfic. Keep up the great work because this is great so far.

A gray colored stallion wearing a black suit and red tie stepped up to the stand, glasses over his eyes and a black painter's cap on his head.

“There you go, Critic,” she said, hoofing it back to the stallion. That wasn't a wise crack, he was literally named Critic.

Wait a Minute... is that the Nostalgia Critic :pinkiehappy:

5186254

I can see the dillema. As a paid commission you get money but your beta-readers don't and they arguably put in as much or more work than you do. Charging enough to give any beta-readers a fair cut while still getting a worthwile amount yourself would almost certainly require charging more than most people would reasonably be willing to pay. I guess the best you can do is when looking for beta-readers is give full disclosure that you are being paid for this story and they won't see a dime. So people bothered by that stay away.

5188953 Hmm...do you have any interest in it under those terms?

Or just giving this chapter a more indepth look for flaws?

5189065

Well if I had to open my big mouth :derpytongue2:

But, honestly its been years since I've seriously written or edited anything. My understanding of the rules of grammar and punctuation is seriously rusty. I have the free time but at best I'd be catching obvious typos and perhaps would have some opinions on word-flow.

5189114 Ah.

Well your choice. If you want to, go for it :)

Interesting... Daring Do is a little bit OP by nature, but I'm looking forward to when her idealized world fails to match up to Yearling's. Kinda wonder how she'll react to a harsher, less cliche, more psychopathic Ahuizotl. Perhaps he's taken a look at the Evil Overlord List.

Also:
"what luggage was too important to be in the haul"
should be hull

It paid to keep your true emotions close to your chest when you were sometimes attacked.

Yearling was hurt at some point in her life wasn't she?

her babysitter, a white pegasus with a rose colored mane, heart cutie mark.

her babysitter said, a white pegasus with a rose colored mane, heart cutie mark.

Of course, not all legends were true and this was an example of one that wasn't.

What other legends had she run into that were just exaggeration?

Daring is idealized. She's stronger, faster, more agile. She has worked for what she achieved. Her wit, skill, and tenacity have prevailed where others have fallen.

Yearling is hardened. She has walked through fire and came out burned. Painful lessons are etched upon her hide in blood. She knows tragedy, loss, failure.

Now beyond her colorful world of pastel ponies, Daring will know the same. She is not prepared.
---
LOVE where this is going! :pinkiehappy: SOsosososoSO Excited!

Can't wait for more chapters. All this self-doubt now crashing down on Yearling. :pinkiecrazy:

Dang. This got intense. I love it! Please update soon! ^_^ this is so good!

Ri2

Poor Yearling. There's only one solution:
Kill the other one and feast on her entrails to get her power. It's the only way!

I love this story!! ^_^

Fifth hand water monkey-dogs always ruin the fun.

This chapter is interesting

Hah, nice. I was worried that was going to feel forced, but that came out quite well!

Almost made a 'The Sisters Doo' refference.

5286655

What was going to be feel forced?

and it's namesake used it on one
their creation instead of a 'generic spy' Even that crazy
“ I wish Daring Do was real!”
to an ancient pony named Atlas who's great strength
The two Daring Dos trotted through
down u-shaped steps on the ground..Your right...”
she's doing everything before I can even breath

1. Its.
2. Forgot your fullstop.
3. Extra spacing.
4. Whose.
5. Do's.
6. Extra full stop, You're.
7. Breathe.

You also still have the error pointed out by Mr Extra (comment eleven, first chapter, oldest to newest).

Has Daring met her match? We shall see... Though I do wonder how much of Daring's traits both real or maybe just in book has been... made real. So to speak. I wonder when their line of thinking will start to branch drastically...

Daring do tried to reach for the vines
important part of the economy
by looking around the mine
but took her signature cap back

1. Forgot to capitalise.
2-4. Extra spacing is present.

a sealed passage way and lead her through
Princesses will be lowering the sun and rising moon
to bring the valley to it's knees
can't have that kind of power on it's own
amplifies the power of the Belt and it's range
True, on it's own
if that spell is corrupted an amplified...perhaps by this
Now with no rock to hold them taunt

1. Led.
2. And raising the moon.
3-6. Its.
7. And.
8. Taut.

the Chisel activated and you where there
I never earned

1. Were.
2. Extra spacing.

And here we are. Near the climax. I wonder what her chiseled self's destiny is. Who knows? She might even find love of her own that's different from Yearling when they get through this. Because let's face it, if they didn't, it would be quite depressing.

5315397

And no one like's a shaggy dog story.

5315397 Thanks for all the edits!

And yeah, that's a good question. Just what does destine have in store now?

She then evaded and slash from the tiger
using a whip to snatch it's leg

1. A.
2. Its.

Hmm... one has to wonder if the alternate ending would be a good one or a bad. She already had so many choices and so did Ahuizotl thus making so many different possibilities... We shall see...

5350292

Fuck the sequel, this needs to be a full-blown UNIVERSE!!

Feels good to have an artificial person story where they don't die at the end, that happens a bit too often.

5352296

It is rather annoying 'status quo is god' isn't it?

5352296
The wholesale slaughter of the Pinkie Pie clones being the big example.

5350292

Well, do you have the cash for another commission?

5351104

Well, this story was a commission, do you have paypal?

5352437
Especially considering you don't have to kill someone to remove them from the story.

5351104

Well, this story was a commission, do you have paypal?

If the alternate ending is what I think it is, with Daydream choosing to become a filly rather than stay an adult, I believe that it will be the better ending. It would lend a feeling of completeness to the whole thing. It's not like A.K. is getting any younger and that doesn't seem to be in her future otherwise. Something of a parallel between the sisters.

If the alt ending is the Daring clone dying I'll be kinda annoyed.

P.S. - Congrats on the great story!

I guess I feel like it's the 'easy way out.'”

I've actually stopped reading a story before because I DIDN'T want to know the ending. I can't remember exactly which one, although I'll probably look it up after this one. Instead of doing that though, I'll say this:
Please move the author note to the bottom.

5369133 ah yes, here it is.
My Girlfriend is a Siren

I'm not going to be a jerk to my emotions and say 'despite the human and romance tag, as well as using a new and obviously overplayed character' because those things are associated with trends that don't really give or take away merit from a story's worth. Instead I'll say that this one was presented with a very similar choice towards the end where you became attached to the characters and therefore would rather (as a reader) decide what they would have done for yourself. Frankly, I'm not as attached here, but that could be attributed to any number of variables. One of them is that I constructed personal parallels between myself and the characters. Anyway the point is, this is a pivotal moment in the story that just happened to be powerful enough to elicit a comment from me. (yes, that is a compliment).

But the alternate ending warning tells me that this particular moment is of little or no consequence whereas others with either no warning to an alternate ending or ones with definitive endings would have a much bigger effect.

5369150

The End.

Whoop! th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/233/c/0/celestia_cheer_by_parttimebrony-d5bysus.png
Accepted ending.

Sorry for triple commenting, but this was a nice story and a pretty good ending. I can say I haven't regretted going back on my word to cut a fic short to preserve a good ending. Thanks.

Might want to change it to Complete now, loved the ending.

5369161

What you think of the 'commissioner approved' ending? (The 'alt' ending?)

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