- Member Since 27th May, 2012
- offline last seen Last Thursday
WinterLune
Lets get this back on the road shall we?
WinterLune
Joined 27th May, 2012 ·
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Chapter one up and finally finished
Looking forward to more of this. Upvoted and put on my tracking shelf.
Well written for the most part. I did notice a few grammatical errors though.
I'm also looking forward to more of this, since it was well written and intersting.
Nice work, good premise. One issue I had though is he's 24 but the scan said he was going through his first best. Twilight would have asked why his first one was so late?
8320519
Yeah, the fact Twilight didn't ask about it is some missed context on my part, though one could assume that Equestria would have some major differences in how reaching pubescence works. As for it being that it's the first they've had; simple answer is that they've only had that said body for a day, magic works in strange ways when you're whisked away to another world
8319292
I expected a few for the most part. My way of writing tends to have a lot of pausing rather then run on sentences. Makes it a lot easier for people to read it aloud rather then having to use one giant pinkie pie sized breath.
I look forward in reading the next chapter when it comes out.
You lost me at the introduction for being misanthropic. No vote though since I have not read the story.
Before I read this, what is the Gore tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8324871
). Though things tend to get a little bloody when some-pony joins an adventures guild
I tend to be rather descriptive with how things are done while writing, so, I would say how much simply depends on how things get written later on in the story ( As I'm more or less making this up as I go up to a certain point
On a side note. Chapter two is about half way finished as of writing this message.
It's a comforting thought that the problems in our world come from human history of bloody conflicts. At least that means we did this to ourselves, and we're not just cursed from the moment we exist by the nature of our empty, soulless universe.
Some strange grammar here... ilk are a group of people, not a group of concepts or observations about the world. "per the usual" isn't an idiom, I think, and should have been "Cold as usual." It comes off like you're trying to separate yourself from the rest of humanity by pretending a sophistication you just don't have. Just remember that the way to be cool is to try not to be cool, and just let the coolness happen on its own.
Your exposition reminded me of a conversation I had the other day. Among MLP fans, all I have to do is name drop, to evoke a massive amount of vivid imagery, but for people who aren't fans, they might have no clue who Twilight Sparkle is. But if I describe that scholarly purple unicorn, and her role in Equestria, fans will get bored because they've all heard it before. So you have to choose an intended audience, since the choice to exposit or not depends on that.
That being said, remember to "describe, not explain." Compare:
with
The second exposition is a very poor explanation, omitting important details, and only hinting at the underlying truth. This is a good thing. In stories, the less you can explain, and the more you can describe the situation, the better. As a general rule, if you describe what is, as it appears to be, and refuse to explain any of the underlying reasoning behind it, your story will be better. Think of it like a joke. Once you explain the joke, there is no joke, and the same thing is sort of true for stories, even non-humorous ones.
I really like this story, and I think you're a pretty good author, which is why I'm really laying into it. I feel like this is the sort of story you'll look back a year on and cringe, "Did I really write that crap?" I just want to say that it is not crap, and is quite enjoyable even if there are a few rough spots that seem to indicate lack of experience as a writer. I like some of the characters, and was having little trouble imagining the scenes they were in.
Now, on with the snarking!
See this was a golden opportunity to lead us on for pages wondering why she's so chill about being a she, but you just explain it right away so it's like "Oh okay."
I guess colorful ponies wouldn't expect one to be totally white?
Oh sure, put the white ponies together that's not racist at all.
You need to build up the tension more before this. Have her denying her situation a little too loudly, or being a little too adamant about how she can salvage this, so we feel like there's some reason she'd have a breakdown.
It'll be okay, she can ask for advice from Scootaloo.
There's more than one Cheerilee? That explains so much!
New speaker, new paragraph. That's like a golden rule.
Yeah! Hair dyes! Red hair dyes! Or maybe cheek blush!
8326430
I'll admit my wording isn't what most people would expect or want for their reading material, though on the note of
It's actually intentional to the point of; dreams only give so much context to what you're experiencing, you don't GET all the details and a lot of the time you forgot a lot of the dream right after having it.
On that note. I haven't exactly sated in the fiction that they've seen the show or that it even exists to begin with.
(even though I myself have entirely)
I really should remove the self insert tag, I have a feeling that's going to get confusing later.
As for
It's simply the fact that I myself grew into being emotionally indifferent to the point of being so apathetic that just about nothing surprises or concerns me anymore.
Though you are right that I should have added some context on why she was so alright with it.
I was planing on explaining more about the main character as chapters were being written and uploaded.
Ironically was being thought about last night.
Is a no, I had a girlfriend who's OC colors were red and white; I don't want to infringe on that.
Assuming Scoota-orphan is actually a thing.
Usually means Albino in animal kind, though I'm pretty sure you just missed the hints that she simply appeared out of nowhere because of how much she blended into the snow outdoors.
Funny enough that's been in my head since the beginning of writing that chapter.
Regardless> I know there's a lot of things I need to brush up on when it comes to being a good writer, this being the second story I've ever written period. My last story suffered greatly from not having any criticism so frankly any I get right now, good or bad, is just fine with me. So, thanks on that~
8326993
No, I mean you weren't omitting important details, which can actually a bad thing like you said. Just my opinion though, really.
You can be all knowing and wise and stone cold, but if your characters are that way it'll make the rest of us feel bad since stuff does surprise us and concern us. It's hard to identify with someone who is always in control of themselves.
Then you should probably check your spelling again...
No, really?
Thanks! I'll do my best if i can help.
8327181
I find that odd honestly, I was actually toning down my normal level of describing things.
Believe me when I say that's not going to be the case forever.
insert chapter two spoilers here
Fixed a good few errors I made while writing. Thankfully i should be able to avoid the same kind next time around
Chapter two is going to take a while. Preparations for Brony-Con are in the works for myself.
Back from Bronycon. Writing will now continue.
Chapter 2 is now up.
Ah, ah! Tirek was a CENTAUR. Not a Minotaur.
Quite a detailed one. Very thorough.
Reminds me of
8384990
My bad~
8385403
Freaky part is that I actually did have that dream I mentioned. It was messed up
8385530 This story has a lot of potential. I would be honoured to proofread it for you, if i may... when i get my computer back.
8387028
While I wouldn't normally say no to that, I like to do a lot of the proofreading myself. Makes me feel like I'm slacking off on writing decently if I'm depending on other people to do it for me. I like to feel self sufficient in my work, though it is nice to know that it seems I'm doing a good job so far.
Though I'm not apposed to people finding errors that I had missed and bringing them to light. (such as google docs making Tirek a Minotaur on me rather then a Centaur)
8387514 in that case, you may want to check out Grammarly.com
Just... something to keep in mind.
Posting chapters once a month?
This looks interesting.
8387638
More or less, yeah. Though it more overly depends on how quickly I get motivated to write more chapters.
That said, I do have the story more or less planned out in the long run but a lot of it is being thought up on the spot when I'm in the middle of writing the story down.
8388027
Seems like the character is getting set up for ascension. At least in this setting alicorns are not as rare as most others so if fits.
Welp, next chapter could take a while. My sister bought a Nintendo Switch.
8388462
Alicorns are not as rare as most othersNot sure why but I felt like touching up on that a little bit and giving some extra info on how the race of Alicorn works in this story; note that this info could possibly spoil future content:
While there are a good few more Alicorn then most would think, because of the size of this version of the planet of Equis that rarity still stands rather heavy. As an example, because of the size of the planet, a single island the same size of the country of Equestria could very well hold only a single Alicorn; though the fact remains that every Alicorn in this story line does follow an aspect of "Generally most anything to a certain degree". Such as an Alicorn being tied to Water, everything that has to do with water up to a certain point would also fall under her duty. Such as whatever lives in said water, like Sea Ponies and the like.
One could also expect an Alicorn to have features of what their duty covers. Such as Celestias' mane color or the dark color of Lunas' body. As such one could expect a VERY wide variety of what an Alicorn could possibly look like, even going as far as race.
I should be getting around to writing chapter 3 "hopefully" soonish. I've been busy helping out my grandfather move things out of their basement; that and I've just been caught up with life proceedings getting on my nerve endings and sparking up some haywire programming.
But really though, life is a bitch sometimes
I like this so far keep it up
Chapter 3 is about half way finished at the moment. Got a bit of writers block to take care of.
Chapter three is up~
8534060
Thank you
That's three "by the way"s in two paragraphs.
8534360
My fault on that one, I was writing in the middle of the night.
8535229
Ah, it happens.
Why do people put the human tag if they have there main character as a pony
Where it talks about her D.O.B. December is spelled wrong.
Great story btw.
8536921
When said character was originally human.
8537696
Ah, my google-docs didn't catch that, good find.
sweet story
On a side note for people watching this story, it's going to be a bit for me to get chapter four finished since I'm going to be busy with the holidays this month . Aside from that, I do have a bit of chapter four finished already and a good bit of future content, more or less, planed out.
Who knows, maybe if I find the time for it I'll push out the chapter on Christmas if'n I get the chapter written out by then. Would make a good present for you all.
Happy new years people, time to get back into writing this thing~
Heh, don't mind me, I'm just struggling to get the right ideas/plot into the new chapter.