Seattle_Lite
Joined 16th Jul, 2011 ·
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wait what about divergence
Well, this was definitely slice-of-life and I must say I enjoy these types of stories. Just a little look-see in the window before you stroll past, usually delightful. Thankfully, you deliver in that regard.
Spelling and grammar were top notch, whether due to editors or your own skill, I'm not sure. Either way, I admire that you combed through it as well as you did. On a cursory inspection as I read, I didn't find anything that would pull me out of the story, so a wonderful job there.
Due to the above, it was relatively easy to read. As I said, there was nothing to pull me out of the story, though I did feel you over-relied a bit much on the description. There is a -lot- of it, perhaps too much in certain spots, with commas interrupting the flow of the sentence, and in turn, the story. I would have personally spread them out a bit more into several sentences, but perhaps it is simply a stylistic choice. Do as you will, I suppose.
I found myself relatively entertained by the story, at least enough to keep reading through. I have to point out that the beginning, while somewhat relevant to the end of this piece, was almost enough to put me off. It's rather adult, with an awkwardness that might make some readers look away - which would be a shame based on the rest of the story, because I enjoyed the moments you had here. The real, romantic moments and the playfulness between the two main characters. Call me a sap, but I love the playful romance more than the actual physical aspect of it. Even so, I can nod that you did those more mature parts well for people who enjoy them.
Overall, I felt it was a simple, light piece with a soft edge of funny that hit right where it needed to at the end. A successful, solid story in my opinion, aside from the beginning for the reasons I listed above. You wrote well and I want to thank you for taking the time to do it. Writing is a talent and a pleasure so many people never get to enjoy; I'm sincerely happy that you created this.
Wow, this is actually pretty damn good. Better than the average fic that can't even get your and you're straight, anyways! XD Like Croseh said, your spelling and grammar were great, the story moves along at a good, slow pace to start off with, explaining everything needed for the fic to make sense, without it being totally boring. I look forward to moar!
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
>Incomplete
Oh?
I have to agree with Croswynd, the opening paragraph was a bit off-putting until I got further into the chapter, but otherwise, it's a good story thus far.
This is truly beautiful. Scootabelle, aged up. Some years behind them, no more awkward fillies flirting with feelings but mares ready to take on the world together, as one loving couple. And their relationship is so passionate yet playful with just enough seriousness to keep it secure. I eagerly await more.
Spelling and grammar are excellent and the pacing is great.
I have a strong feeling that I'm going to love this story.
880891 who is Scootabelle?
Oh, what a cute piece. I liked how you made the relationship work. I hope we get to see it develop, more or perhaps how it came about later. I love what you did with Rarity's perversion and promiscuity. Quite amusing. I can see that, Actually all the characters are believable. I can see Scoots behaving like that and Sweetie being awkward like that. As stated excellent technical writing and description, I think you did a good job here.
880950 you just red my mind
Hey, Seattle! So awesome to see you again! I had no idea you were a prereader for EQD! Congrats on that.
(If you don't remember, you proofread my story A Rose is a Rose. Thanks for that!)
This is adorable, somehow. I'm not sure if I would have done it in present tense, but that's hardly a big deal as long as you're consistent.
Keep it up, man! Glad to be seeing you around still.
880956
Term for a Scootaloo x Sweety Belle ship fic
880706
yeah what's up with that?
why can't anyone tell the different between your and you're?
you are=you're
in other words referring to a person
your=referring to a person's possession.
IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE!
indentations irks me.
what irks me even more is indentation with line spacing, meaning the person using both doesn't understand the purpose of either. put off reading it...
880956
Looks like I was beaten to the explanation.
Loving it. Grown-up Crusaders + shipping? Fantastic. Let's see more!
t.qkme.me/3535mu.jpg
You have my attention.
This is relevant to my interests. Fav.
O_o this story has been faved
Good story. I'll have to keep and eye out on this one
Excellent.
This is excellent.
I love it.
There are a few places that could have been streamlined a little to make the wordflow more natural, but other than that, everything seemed spot-on.
881576
What are you even talking about? Their usage is appropriate; the editing as a whole is effective both aesthetically and practically.
rely good and well rittern i was hoping for scooterloo to not be able to fly but i gess peoples thorts are mixed on that so wat ever you want to do is good
never done this befor but 5 mustashes out of 5
Go on.
A very interesting chapter. I look forward to see how this continues.
880610
I'm trying bro. Have such a block going with it. It's infuriating. How goes Anywhere?
880616
Again, thank you very much for your thoughtful and considered analysis. I'm very pleased you enjoyed it, and appreciate you pointing out the room for improvement.
880810
Don't quote me on that.
881095
SB, every time we cross paths you ask if I remember you. Heh, of course I do mate. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Everyone else, thank you for your comments and thoughts! This was my first shot at first person, so I appreciate your indulgence. Cheers!
930955
On hold while I work on a chapter of Blood. I've got so many fucking ideas for both projects, though.
This story is OK so far. I didn't really like masturbating part
because that not something I like read in a MLP story but oh well. I'm looking forward for your next chapter.
This story is amazing. This really is one of the best shipping fics I've read in awhile. Fav'd, liked, and watching. I can't wait for the next chapter! I never heard of Sweetaloo shipping before, I never really thought of it. Brilliant.
Is it bad that I was laughing as hard as Scootaloo when Sweetie Belle said that?
I'd rate it 10/10
Very cute, and I love the casual flow of events as just the right amount of background detail is filled in. And I see it's incomplete? This should be a rather fun story to explore. Sweetie and Scoots have a nice dynamic going on, and I'm particularly liking how Sweetie's occasional pessimism in-show is translating to a full blown exasperation at the world that's never that far from her thoughts. I'm keeping my eye on this.
You need to keep going with this, sir or madame, I've been waiting for the next chapter for a while now.
That was beautiful. I'd love to see more of this, if you feel like it. Thumbed and favorited, I'm excited for more.
1010032
Thanks for saying so mate, I really appreciate it. I'm also mildly freaked out right now. Like... right after you commented, I had a good 26 people favorite the story in a span of maybe 20 minutes. I have no idea what just happened.
1010032
Why, my dear boy, you've been featured ^.^
1010042
Wat
1010053
A.
That previous comment was directed at you
B.
Yeah. Featured. As in, the box in the corner that showcases good stories, like this one, for the readers. Color me green, I'm Jelly. I've been trying to get my own work in the feature box for... Months.
1010053
Well hell... This story WAS in the feature box... Right where Fallout Equestria: Starlight is... At least, that's how I got around to this story. It's gone now. That blows. I'm sorry, mate.
1010059
I'm... yeah, I got that. But the 'wat' still stands. I don't see my story in the feature box. I see ten stories, and none of them are mine. Kiiiinda trippin' out atm, heh.
1010068
See last, I'm sorry. It disappeared before you could see it. I swear, it was up there. That's how I got around to it.
Still, a fantastic work. Even if for that one glorious, brief moment, you had it. Congrats. I hope it gets back up there...
1010072
Madness! But overall, pretty cool. Guess I should let you know that may have been my fault. I accidentally hit the Publish button instead of Edit for Chapter 2, which I may add, is just awaiting review before being ready. So... I guess we'll see if it gets back up there? Either way, glad you enjoyed it mate, cheers!
Nice! I'll be keeping an eye on this one!
1010163
Cheers D. Ficbox is tripping me out mate.
Huzzah! Cannot wait for chapter 2!
1010203
Gimme like, fifteen minutes, lol.
1010207 No.
1010098 the feature box is how I got here. This is the first time I've read this, and I love it.
Oh, and its still there. Very last story in the box.
Go on...
Annnd Chapter Two
I think one of my favorite parts was Twilight accidentally blowing AJ up.
1010567
I mean, who can blame her? We've all been there, right?
Loving it so far, keep it up!