• Member Since 31st Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Jan 26th, 2012

Jinadan


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Luna finds out about Pip's life, and decides to adopt him. This leads to her going to Ponyville much more often, and seeing more familiar faces. Feelings that she can't explain begins to develop in her.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 158 )

Bravo, good sir! I applaud a job well done! Do keep this up, old chap. I' love to see more.

Cute, just needs a few commas here and there, but this is adoreable! :pinkiesmile:

good stuff, keep writing :derpytongue2:

(hold it in.......hold it in.....cant hold it.cant..hold.....it D,AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW

Wow, this has potential to be a truly touching story. Here's to hoping you can keep this up.

You seem to be mixing up "thou" and "thy" a few times. Remember that the former is usually used like "you" whereas the latter means "your."
I would also change Luna's question to "Dost thou live here in Ponyville?"
Other than that, looking good! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this!

This was rushed. I can tell; the scenes transitioned much too quickly. Also, study your Archaic English: "your" is "thine", not "thy". Luna also uses the royal 'we', so she uses 'us' instead of 'me'.

Error, errors, everywhere!

no...must...not...give...in... can't...hold...it DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!

Gonna have to agree with Cheese on this one. It feels a tad rushed, as well as there being no real depth (Luna really doesn't go into much thought on her decisions and such). The scene transitions, like Cheese said, are too abrupt. This could be a worth while story, but as it is, it feels a tad too plastic.

so.........awesome.......:scootangel:

Good story, just at the end though I believe a small spelling error has happened where you've got Pip talking/narrating and put her & she instead of he when Pipsqueak describes himself.:rainbowlaugh:

Adorable, and shows promise, but I must also agree that it felt rushed. Something like this would benefit immensely from even a little introspection on the part of the characters.

This is pretty good, and since you asked for constructive crit I guess I'll leave some.

-Felt a little rushed. You could easily expand certain scenes and give them more depth.
-Gave too much away. [He honestly wished that she could be her new mother, but she shook that thought off, knowing it would be impossible]
I could instantly think of the rest of the novel here. While I know what you're going for, it's waaaaaay too predictable :ajbemused: Sorry if that sounds a little harsh :fluttershysad:
-His bathroom had a shower? Apparently ramshackle huts have those these days >.> this is more of a suggestion. When I read bathroom I assumed only a toilet, especially since it was a residence with only a rectangular bed and a chest. While I could easily piece it together as any other reader could, maybe change it to "leading to an extremely cramped bathroom [which miraculously managed to host a shower]" or something along those lines. I dunno, maybe I'm just being nit picky on this one.

Other than that, no complaints, keep doin' what yer doin :):twilightsmile:

#15 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

asfirldasgfrja- *explodes*

hhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg

must.........suppress..............

must-


NO! DOCTEROCTAGONAPUS


MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

very very good, four stars and tracking! Although, you mixed up Luna's 'Royal We' a few times, switching between it and normal speak. Otherwise, very very cute, very very good, very very tracking :)

#18 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

"Something happened to my family back in Trottingham, so now I am alone in Ponyville.’’
This line is more than a bit awkward and in general the dialogue can be tightened up a bit.
But oh, my heart, is this adorable. And so sad, too! :fluttercry: Keep this up!

Man, I want to see more of this story! Keep adding the chapters!

:pinkiehappy:
Squeeeeeee

Dawwwwwwwwwww. So, Fucking adorable. Pip the orphan living in a shack behind Sugar Cube Corner only to be adopted by the Princess of the Night. This was so heartwarming, sweet, well written and adorable. "You already said adorable." "FUCK YOU, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN!" I almost shedded manly tears*sniff* but didn't, now...ahem...I need to... punch some shit or build a mountain or something very manly like hang out with Kamina from Gurren Lagann. You deserve all the praise you get for this fic, five stars all the way.

If you continue this fic I'll pay you in fresh souls, SOULS I TELLS YOU!!!

Peace Out.

49945 I think his "Shower" was probably just a wooden tub with a hose or something. Or to put it more simply, a makeshift shower.

I demand you pay my hospital bills for this has caused my heart to fail me 3 times in an hour!

Haha thanks guys, sorry for the plastic story. Yes, it was very rushed. I'm editing it today.

Nice idea, I encourage you to please do keep up the good work upon such a interesting idea for a story.:twilightsmile:

He honestly wished that she could be her new mother, but she shook that thought off, knowing it would be impossible.

WUT. I didn't know Pip was a scallop.

#27 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

Well it certainly has potential and that's saying A LOT about it.

#28 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

its so beautiful *sheds manly tear*

#29 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

:fluttercry:fluttercry:
So adorable

I normally don't use the Orbital MOAR Cannon, But I DO however use this....

Orbital W00T Cannon Firing in

3:applejackconfused:

2:derpyderp1:

1:derpytongue2:

MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRr:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:
:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

...I sense impending diabeetus. *tracks*

Awww I cant wait for the next chapter it was so cute.

I haven't finished reading the chapeter yet but just a suggestion, when you're having a "stream of conciousness" or "thoughts" of a character, you should probably put it in first person, as if it was dialogue (just a suggestion):twilightsmile:

I'm sorry i can't read over the fact that my heart is now failing.... But i will return from the grave with one thing in mind! the need for MAOR!!!

it's been said before, but it bares repeating. Adorable, d'awww, and moar plz! :heart:

Sounds interesting... Do continue .

my emotions :ajsleepy::applecry::raritycry::fluttercry::raritydespair::fluttershysad:

#38 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

*Jams full insulin needle into heart and injects*
Hooo boy! That was sweet.
This story shows lots of promise. I'll keep an eye out for it.
You should submit it to Equestria Daily!
Keep up the work.
*Preps and injects another insulin needle*

#39 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

You really wanna give Pipsqueak a hug after reading this. I don't think there'd be any actual conflict in Luna adopting him, Celestia is a kind and caring ruler and doubt she'd say no. Luna would most likely make a good mom and think conflict would exist when she has to attend to royal duties and can't spend much time if him, but other than that nothing really. Also I'm not looking forward to the sad reason behind Pip's parents' deaths, cause I don't wanna be on the verge of tears.

#40 · Dec 4th, 2011 · · · Adopt ·

Please please please please PLEASE submit this to Equestria Daily!

MnM

:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright: It was pretty cute..

i have to track this its just to cute

This is really cute, I'd love to see where this goes! :pinkiehappy:

Cute but short. Yes I know this is only the first chapter, but when I say short I mean that the story leaps straight into the 'premise' with no adequate pacing. It doesn’t slow to allow for characterisation or a have prologue events to entice the reader and set the stage for the characters.

2.5 stars so far. It’s a nice story and I can see potential here, but it needs work.

It was alright, heh. Two stories featured and I can nearly do all my fics.
Well done, but I need more to establish a rating

49923 really... you again....:rainbowhuh: thats not possible

also good story

So adorable, I don't know if my heart is gonna survive the actual adoption. Ah hell I'll risk it, MOAR :pinkiegasp:

Pretty cute and sweet, but feels rather rushed and underdevelopped.

I'd suggest exploring the characters' feelings more in the latter chapters. :pinkiesmile:

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