Jinadan
Joined 31st Oct, 2011 ·
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I have a hard time seeing Twi trying to kill herself. But the story was very well written. Tracking this one
Hmmmmm... Interesting... and no errors!
OK, so I like the premise BUT there are a few things I would like to see rectified.
1.It's not poorly written, but their dialog is a little... off. I understand that it was probably meant to seem awkward, but I think you overdid it a bit, if that was your intent.
2.As wrangel said, I don't see the reason as to why she would want to kill herself. She seems to have a good life, good friends, and is personally tutored by a freaking goddess. I'd imagine that this was purposeful, but I do hope you clear that up in the next chapter, or perhaps in revisions.
As the firebat would say before burning your house down: "You've got my attention."
An interesting read, a couple things I noticed that were a bit jarring:
1. You give a lot of words toward character dialogue and Bailey's thought process, which helps with characterization, but you seem to shortchange on enviroment description. This felt more to me like I was watching TV, instead of getting the feeling of 'being there'. For example, take this sentence:
"We sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner in silence."
and compare it to (in all fairness, this is just off the top of my head)
"We sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner in silence. The air was laced with the smell of freshly baked goods, a few other ponies scattered around enjoying a small break from their day."
perhaps add in the other description sentences below to help define how the characters are behaving, then start a new paragraph when Twilight gets up to go get the muffins, since she has dialogue when she comes back.
just my $0.02
few minor errors, but very interesting to read!
get a prereader on this and you'll be golden
Pretty Good ! Would like to see more
Ending through me off somewhat.
I hope you continue this story.
As Cloudhammer has already stated, this could definitly use some environmental description.
Other than that, I can easily say that this is a huge improvement in writing style. I can see you really focused on looking out for errors, and it shows. But, it still needs a pre-read
...or is it called an edit now? 
continue this.....that is all
i like it but what he look like?
and is twilight cutiemarkless?
well now, this is certainly an interesting tale. i will be watching this, but like many have said before, it needs more environement detail, and a bit of insight into Twilights reasoning. other than that, it earns a mustache
wear it with pride, my friend.
Please do continue good sir. Tis an excellent story that I would LOVE to continue to read!
This intrigues me.
I can't wait to see more!
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!! (jk, but a continuance would be nice, this story seems very interesting)
It pains me to say this, but your story is virtually perfect. There are a few stuff ups, as would be expected in any story. Firstly, and most importantly, Twilight has no known motive to throw herself off the cliff. I believe that this motive was being hidden for a surprise and/or ironic ending. Secondly, you went from swearing: 'Shit' to pony swears: 'Buck'. This lack of continuity is one of the only mistakes that was made. Overall, I am impressed and you should be very proud of your work. 5 stars! Just some silly advice from a silly filly!
Oh yes and one more thing! We'd call someone we're going out with our girlfriend, not womanfriend. Notice how it is the CHILD version regardless of age. So I believe MAREFRIEND should be changed to FILLYFRIEND and STALLIONFRIEND to COLTFRIEND. It sounds better that way. Just some silly advice from a silly filly!
Nice story you got here. I appreciate stories without mistakes since it calms my OCD and such...
Interesting. You have earned yourself a track
imma track dis bitch
I believe this to a great start to a new story. It's a new angle at a different Twillight Sparkle and we, the readers, are dealing with a new character; more importantly, a stallion. You don't see many good stallion characters in MLP or, at least, that's my opinion. I'm hoping, if you continue this, that we have a nice possible romance with Bailey and Twillight. If not, I can see an roller coaster of adventure between the two most-likely friends.
I have to say, however, it seems that this was rather rushed. But, one shouldn't put to much effort in experimenting. Just enough to get the point across. In short, keep on going with this. Otherwise, I wasted effort in pressing the track button!
Do continue with this.
Oh and on the second paragraph after "My point of view?", I believe he is a colt not a filly.
Other than that good work. Can't wait to see more.
Great writing!
I want to say its perfect, but I believe that is the worst thing you can say to any artist. It would imply there is no possible way it could be made better ergo it will be their best work regardless of what they do. Point is, this is what I like to call: STFU, TAKE MY MONEY AND WRITE MOAR!
nice, great writing!
ps. where did you get the image?
Ill track it for now and see
Where it might be going, but no stars until its rock solid.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
102805 There's no such thing as perfect stories, because stories are written by people, and people aren't perfect.
I didn't knew this un-preread fic of mine would get featured
Meh, I guess I'll get off my lazy ass and write more!
102149 Aight, got it! Editing nao!
MOAR PLEASE
as claude frollo might say, "Hell fire! Dark fire! Now writer, it's your turn! Choose us or, your pyre, update or you will BURN!"
Thank you... just... thank you...
Twilight inquiring about destiny huh? What spell hath she wrought?
MOAR PLZ!!!!
must have more
You should definitely continue! I'm certainly interested and I will be tracking.
P.S: You should have called it a flankerchief.
I feel the ending of chapter one was a little too akward. The two characters barely said anything and brings me to believe that Twilight was just blowing Bailey off and will just kill herself right after getting away from him, unless that's what's going to happen. You might want to add more dialogue and bonding in the chapters to come. Other than that great story! Im tracking it!
104344 I'm with him
104344 Okok
I say!
Twilight better have a good explanation
To be honest......................................................................................You need to...............................................................Write more chapter.
awesome
i like
i hate to say it but i kind of agree 104344
Damn, I was hoping she would fall off the cliff.
105015
ya
well...
the ending of the chapter was damning
i thought bailey was a filly
bailey usually means girl...
anyway
this story is great!
i'm keeping an eye on it.
105015>>105017 you are terrible people. Although I was thinking the same ting
105169 Twilight might die in the end.
But, Twilight Sparkle is best pony! Why would you want her to die haha
Are they young? Like school child young? Teenager? Or like 20 years old?
101227
The question about destiny may hold a hint. I may be reading too deeply but I couldn't help but think that Twilight may just have found out that Celestia's been manupilating her
>> Jinadan NO! Not Twi! You can't kill Twi! Please don't kill Twi! *sniffle* I'd miss her too much...
105322 Haha i don't know. Maybe.. Just maybe...
On second thought, that's kinda crappy