Twilight can't control her feelings for Rainbow Dash, and doesn't go according to plan in the whole Mare-Do-Well Scheme.
Chapters (3)
Jinadan
Joined 31st Oct, 2011 ·
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MOAR
umm....no words to describe the feeling i have right now......so heres a few emoticons
I wish my dreams were that awesome... Usually I dream about getting punked out trying to steal a Payday out of a vending machine.
You have a follower.
she seems to be a title hard on her self?
I started freaking out when I read: "rubbing her pee area"
Mental Images for the loss
But still, interesting read
Lighten up a bit,Twilight.
88170
Maybe because there are some people in the world who don't believe that a story is only 'deserving' of a good rating because it's held as a model of textbook perfection in construction alone? I've seen plenty of 'perfect' stories that were bland. I'd rather read something interesting and rate it based on what looks like went into it, originality, and immersion factor. Snooty, aren't we?
want to see wow it goes
Now that I've read the chapter. It's an interesting idea, not Twidash as that's about as old as Our Lady Dawn. But Mare-Do-Well fitting into this situation might be interesting to see, and how you accomplish it. I can't be too critical on it feeling a bit rushed and exposition-y, as I feel that you'll fit into the more natural speed and groove the more and more you write into this. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with.
88677 Thanks for the motivation man!
I think this needs a bit more than an "everybody" rating.
Teen, at the absolute least.
Rating: Everyone.
Includes clopping.
I'm pretty sure that should be changed. The rating, I mean.
88728
^ this.
Here's a quick scale:
with romance tag:
everyone = sfw -shipping, describing emotions, may include kissing (see Flutterheart for an example)
teen= still sfw, but may include more detailed emotion-describing, maybe even sexual intercouse-allusive text, but nothing too dirty (make it with humor, and it's okay)
mature= the sky's the limit. Do your worst.
Jinadan and I are re-working the second chapter and will reupload it when it's done.
Please bare with us.
We'll see how this goes, but dude, change the rating. This is Not a story for everyone.
moar
88672
So there are some people who think giving a story with clear mechanical, syntax and construction errors a perfect score actually helps the author? I agree with you to a certain point, actually; plot and execution is four-fifths of a good story. However, the last fifth of any story is always dedicated to grammatical correctness, at least in my opinion. To give a story with less-than-phenomenal mechanics a perfect score does more to harm than help the author of that story.
I will, however, apologize to the author and his editor(s), as I believe I could have been a bit less harsh with expressing my feelings on the story's inadequacies. Much of what I point out as "iinconsistencies" are areas in which I believe the wording of certain things could have been better chosen. There are areas of outright incorrectness, or there were (i've yet to read the more recently edited versions), but most of my issues with the syntax lies in the unnecessarily awkward manner in which things are worded.
A last word before I post this and go off to read the newly-edited chapter--let us not fall to baseless name-calling, shall we? You may indeed believe that the tone of my post was, as you said, "snooty," but it is hardly necessary to begin flinging mud when a simple rebuttal could suffice.
I love fics where Spike is in an awkward situation, it makes me lol hard
89125 Now, now, no need to change your comment.
It will help us in the future.
89125 No, I thought that your post was just fine.
Sure it came out sounding a little harsher than it probably intended to, but that's the world of literature. No one is going to be 100% nice to the writer all of the time. I looked over and found some inconsistancies such as, "She had not gotten much rest..." and the adjacent sentence saying "Though she slept long hours..." which directly contradicts what was earlier said. There were some grammar issues and misused words such as the use of 'glare'.
The 'glare' part was a goof on my end using Microsoft word I must have accidently used the 'Find and Replace' feature and chose 'change all'. I think that your comment was reasonable and made me realize that there were still some things that needed to be tuned up and some bugs to be ironed out. I've had worse people comment on my works before calling me 'Talentless, stupid and a pathetic excuse for a fic-writer.' Which at the time was pretty much the truth. But I've changed from those comments and became better from it, tough love baby. Tought love.
Okay, maybe I'm wrong about this, but the premise seems extremely similar to "The Games We Play." I don't want to sound mean, but if readers familiar with that one, I think it's going to be really, really hard for them to avoid comparing this fic with that one, and no offense, but "The Games We Play" is definitely the better of the two. I don't have any problems with this story, mind you; it's just that the timing of the publication was bad.
89359 Yes, they're extremely similar fics, but that's the peroblem with writing sometimes. There's only so many ideas that are out there so sometimes fics will come out being similar to one another. I've read the fic, only recently due to some one pointing it out in the comments, but this is also similar to my fic Conflicting Emotions in which he ultimately got the idea for this fic from that. The similarities are quite large between this fic, and The Game We Play, but no one whom pre-read or even edited the fic pointed that out. We really could've avoided this nice site shoving a foot up our assess because this fic is similar to another more well-written and popular fic, we would've changed the basis around a little bit before posting.
I definitely think this needs at least a teen rating
89514 I agree that it should, but I'm sure that Jinadan will change that soon enough.
Well, I'm not going to say that this was superb. It sounds undeveloped (read it out loud if you haven't already), and a few times I had a hard time figuring out what emotion I should be feeling for Twilight in her thoughts. It seems 'jumpy' if ever there were a better word to describe it. I understand that this is going under editing (at the time of this comment) so I encourage you to seek out changes for using the word "just." As a writer, I've found that using just is a rather weak word, and it covers emotions that could be emphasized. Not only that, but there were parts that you could remove just and the sentence would be completely fine (if not better?)
My point? You used just 21 times. For a story to get a 4.5+ and use it that many times is frustrating.
Well, anyways, I don't want to come off as a jerk. It's a good story, but with a little more spit and polish it could become loads better. I'll track this out of interest.
89556 I'm just a pre-reader and an editor. I promised that I wouldn't change much of what he had originally put down. I'm slightly loving the criticism that is coming along, we're all chalking these up to things that we can improve on. Thank you sincerely for your kind reviews of this fic.
89560
Funny, because I'm an editor and a writer (well ok, I'm on fimfic so obviously a writer)
I find it a little strange that he's had so much help and it still feels premature, almost a draft. I don't want to come off as mean when I say it sounds premature, I want to come off as supportive because I -know- he can do better. Personally, I feel as if he's not getting enough tough love or honest constructive criticism at this point and it stinks because a lot of people leave all these happy comments and then the one or two who break the ice look like jerks. Well, I'm rambling and I've already made my point (s). Work on "just" and be sure to give the best crit as you can. I look forward to where you and Jin (and whomever else) go with this.
Woah woah woah, just woke up and saw all the comments.
Changed it to a teen rating, and yea I'm still a relatively new writer, so I don't expect this to go too far.
But hey, If "The Games We Play" is better, so be it! Cause the author of it made that fic first, he gets more credit, so yea
Anyways, thanks for the criticism. Although, I feel really weird now haha
89584 (posting on an alternate account.)
Well, I told him to maybe add some things,
I just edited it you see?
I made some edits so help I bring,
But we need more help than lil' ol' me.
I am a fic writer, and new am I,
I can't fix all these things though.
But soon enough we'll reach for the sky,
but we could really use some more help bro...
Please?
Have a pic to simmer things down
img.ponibooru.org/_images/f77dd4c82966c61fcd9ea8690f72b6dd/87333%20-%20artist%3ASpeccySY%20rainbow_dash%20sweater%20sweater_dash%20TwiDash%20twilight_sparkle.png
89739 PoemPony approves
i dream about about rainbow dash and fluttershy *clop clop*
MAKE MORE RIGHT NOW OR PINKIE WILL THROW YOU INTO HAMMERSPACE
90009 Door's over there, pal. In other news, I doubt spike would ever say "rubbing her pee area". He'd probably say "rubbing herself". Just happened to notice that. Also, +1 track
90126 thanks, changin it now
> The unicorn couldn't and didn’t want to complain; the kiss seemed to melt all of the unicorn’s worries away.
To me, 90178, that whole phrase is awkward; punctuation and pronouns help it flow immensely. Compare it to any of the below edits:
The unicorn couldn't complain, even if she wanted to. That kiss seemed to melt all her worries away.
The unicorn couldn't (and didn’t want to) complain; the kiss seemed to melt her worries away.
The unicorn couldn't, and didn’t want to, complain; the kiss seemed to melt all her worries away.
Feel free to mix'n'match; the top one feels the most organic to me, though.
90357 Edited it, thanks!
I read this because another writer friend was freaking out- seein' as it out-rates and has more votes than his entire multichapter story.
Which is pretty funny to me 'cos it also outranks mine exactly the same way...
I would say, don't even sweat it. If these folks want to write better, they can- p'raps they'll READ more and soak up the language (and I don't mean readin' other fics). If they just enjoy makin' ponies happy, clearly they got that sorted, and what is so wrong with that? Takes all kinds. I think folks are more fretting over the usefulness of star rankings themselves as a guide to the literate fic-writers, but that's a whole other question, to my mind. For now, it ain't, full stop.
I'll just say this- when you're a better writer, it's EASIER to write. You don't have to work nearly as hard to avoid slip-ups because you're used to it. Of course if you don't mind, it don't matter. Stuff like:
"The lavender mare replied hastily, as she teleported away from their sights out of sheer nervous reflex"
If they were aimin' guns at me I'd git out of there in a hurry, too!
also, 'lowly' don't mean what you think it does. Adverbs are a plague already, for heavens' sake don't be making more of the lil' buggers or writer ponies will hunt you down and take away your semicolons!
i hope twi doesn't get so serious to collect stuff from dash like her hair or her sweat...0o. also i loove twidash fanfic they are always the best(in my opinion)
90732 *Brohoof*
90717 Aight, got your point, thanks
Looking good so far ! Cant wait for more... /)
90737 *brohoof*
Mooooooooooooooooooooooore!
Mooooooooooooooooooooooore!
91010leeeeeeeeeeeets staaaaaaan tooooooogeeeeeettthheeeeeeerr
moar
right
fucking
now
Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooore!!
U
Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooore!!
U