When Scootaloo crashes, the responsibility falls on Rainbow Dash to get her scootin' or flyin'.... The CMC's notice Scoots sad behavior and track down everyone's favorite technicolour mare for assistance.
Chapters (1)
ScamperBloo
Joined 1st Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- NovaForce2157 · 2.6k words · 60 7 · 3.4k views
- LightFeather · 32k words · 48 4 · 3.5k views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.093 seconds
Total duration
776 users online
1,163,691 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You can smell rain?
.....
Are you high right now?
EDIT: Well I learn something new every day!
404269
Yes, rain does usually have a fairly distinct smell.
You, good sir, need an editor. The grammar isn't bad, but the punctuation is way off and your sentence structure could use a lot of help.
I have two problems with this story:
1) Stalliongrad University is renowned for being a top-tier college, and Stalliongrad itself is awesome. As is bacon.
2) The punctuation (Im actually being serious with this one). It's a good story, but the punctuation errors really take away from it.
It's a great story, don't get me wrong, you just need an editor. Re-work it, publish it, and it should end up being a pretty good fic.
404269>>404288
Yeah, it's more noticeable if you live around places that get a lot of rainfall.
B-FUCKING-DAWWWW
The story itself is pretty good. It's adorable, flows nicely, and has a decent pace. However, as others have stated, you really should work with an editor or pre-reader to improve your grammar a bit. If I may offer a few suggestions:
* Try to cut down on the unnecessary details. For example, the hospital room was described as being "illuminated by fluorescent energy saving bulbs" - that detail adds length to the story and distracts the reader, but it doesn't add any actual value. Only provide enough details for the reader to know what's going on, and leave the rest to imagination.
* Do not put author's notes or side comments in the story. I'm specifically referring to the line "Sweetiebelle squeaked sweetly. (<say that 10 times fast.)" - that commentary just interrupted the entire story. It's almost like someone trying to talk to you at the movie theater - you're focusing on the film, and then someone distracts you, causing you to lose focus on what's going on.
* Stay within a perspective. You abruptly switched from third person to first person towards the end of the story. Switching perspective changes the viewpoint from the audience - for most of the story, we were witnessing the events as a spectator, and then suddenly we're witnessing it through Scootaloo's eyes. Either way is fine, but you should pick one vantage point and stick with it, instead of switching mid-story.
* Cut back on the nicknames - "Dashy" (or "Dashie", as it's more commonly spelled) is an affectionate nickname that is only used by some of Rainbow's friends. Pinkie Pie using that name is entirely believable - it's right up her alley to use cute nicknames and the like. However, I can't see Fluttershy using that nickname to address Rainbow, and it came across as being a little bit out-of-character for her. Try asking yourself "what would this pony do/say?", and if you have a hard time imagining a specific pony saying or doing something, don't write it.
Again, this is a very good story, and you definitely know how to tell a story, but you need to work on how you present it. Keep writing, keep practicing, and work with an editor or two and your writing skills will continuously evolve.
I don't get it. It says chapter 1, but also that it is complete.
SO MUCH WANT for more but not sure if it will happen :(
I loved how well you captured everyone's personality.
I always considered that the smell was ozone just before a rain. It smells like iron and lemons...
A very great story it really drew me into that zone where you can see it happening ya'know?
) it just takes practice!
Don't let them punctuation comments get to you to much(I'm much worse
I look forward to more from you.
-Fin
404288
404338
404617
406350
I have an editor now.
404617
I agree with all of this.
Especially the part about the nicknames. Pinkie can call her Dashie without it seeming strange, but everypony else would normally just call her Rainbow or Dash. Dashie coming from anyone but Pinkie just sounds wrong.
The sudden shift in perspective was very jarring. We've been following these ponies around, watching their doings, and then suddenly we're inside one of their heads. On the one hand, it brings us closer to Scootaloo for the climax of the story, but on the other hand it pulls us out of the story for several minutes. It highlights the fact that we're reading a story, and you usually don't want your readers to think about the fact that they're readers.