• Member Since 26th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 18th, 2021

Inferno demon Dash


Showing you the darker, more realistic side of MLP in my writing. Smoking, swearing and being a bastard, but that's nothing new with me. Got a cigarette?

T

One-Shot.

He was merely a young colt dressed as a pirate when he met her and with a long, tragic breath knows he could never compare himself to her status, yet for years onward she has looked passed something so trifle and found love.

He is but a mortal Earth Pony, but she is a Goddess, a Princess even of the moon, night sky, dreams and an entire kingdom itself.

Of what chance does a mortal have with a Goddess?

Of what hope would the Goddess ever fall in love with the colt she has known for years and how far will that Princess go to prove her love?

And knows by fact that nothing last forever.

A Pipsqueak/Luna romance, if you find errors please inform me and I'll get it fixed quickly.

Enjoy for those who are fans of said pairing and very, very slight cameo of an OC for those who are not fans of such.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 64 )

Hope you enjoy. Please be honest in your reivews and tell me of any errors you see, friends.:pinkiehappy:

LUNA AND PIP IS MAH OTP

Curse you for giving Equestria cigarettes. I like how you skipped the whole "dating" part where they try to come to terms with how they feel for eachother and blah de blah blah and went straight to "they love eachother and area married" part.

Oh god cigarettes are ruining so many pony's lives

1637021 Best news I heard all day.

1637058:rainbowlaugh: To each their own but your right....maybe I should add a date to them...got any ideas? Pip has known Luna since he was a colt (I'm thinking around ten years old) until he was twenty one and did not start dating her till he was eight teen.

1637139 True that, but they are grown they can do whatever they want. Plus Luna's a Goddess.....I don't think it's a good thing to agrue with an all powerful Princess about her habits:rainbowlaugh:

ok i am srry but there is absolutly NOOOOO way i can like this if u downgrade luna with somking

Good day sir

1640956 She's grown as well as every other creature in this story and I see her as one to do such but hey, to each their own, good day:twilightsmile:

1650001:rainbowlaugh: Thank you for the video my friend, I really enjoyed it...I'm guessing you liked the story then?:unsuresweetie:

1770726 :rainbowlaugh: Hope you like it, this pairing is rare but very enjoyable to read even if it may have a very bittersweet romance to it, so sad....:fluttershysad:

1776800 Thank you for your honestly, Ink ,means a lot to me. And not everyone smokes :rainbowlaugh: Only, Spike (who for some reason in my stories always does, I have no idea why either he just seems like the type I can really see smoking), Scootaloo (do I really need to say it?) Rainbow Dash, and Luna (I fit her persoanlly as one of a rebal, she does what she wants and enjoys doing it)

As for improving, your right, my only problem is that I'm so bad a speller and editor that half the time I have to repeat words over because I don't know another way to say them.

Really bucked up tro be an author (published even) if I can't do any of that shit, you know? Thank you though for your honest review and I'll try, I'm working on another of this pairing with a friend called Fur stained with Sin.

1776958 it was orginally Fur stained with Blood but we both thought that with a Griffion war with Equestria mixed in that stained with sin would sound more better and by the gods, you have bad jokes and my mind throws itself into the gutter, the buck is wrong with us?:rainbowlaugh:

Pipsqueak and Princess Luna, a pairing that I find very interesting, but also sweet and possible if it would ever happen. Another great fanfic relating to real life issues, such as how there are certain rules based on who can rule a kingdom, or run or government. Also, how smoking can drastically reduce the timeline of life. i think when Pipsqueak saw RD cough up blood, that is why he asked Luna to stop smoking. Great fanfic though.

2070239 You make a very valid point, I did my best but I'm no politic you know? Anyway you make a real point, but Luna is the Goddess of the Moon, as well as Dreams, the Night sky and the Stars, so she would not be as affected by smoking as a mortal pgasi would, you know?

Very glad you enjoyed it though my friend:twilightsmile:

This isn't actually sad really. More wistful.

Anyways, moving on.

THIS WAS AWESOME. I love one shots like this.

BUT I must say you repeat yourself a lot. Especially with Shining Armor. We're told he's the husband of Cadence at least three times.

But besides that, I think it's awesome.

And damn that lung cancer.

Ironically, my grandfather died of cancer when I was 7 and he smoked these beautiful big Cuban cigars (he was Cuban). He actually died of prostate cancer and NOT lung cancer.

Life's weird like that.

I miss him.

Great now I'm sad. Well done my friend.

2094702 Very true, and thank you my friend, I'm glad you liked it so much:ajsmug: I'll admit that I do, mainly because I have such a hard time trying to come up with a new word and can't spell it:facehoof: Damn bro, I'm sorry, I did not know that. That's harsh:fluttercry: I would kill to have one of those cigars :rainbowlaugh:

It is indeed and sorry bro, thanks for taking the time to read and give your honest thoughts on it though:twilightsmile:

2094834 You're welcome.

And it's okay, we had many good times together and I was very close.

Now I feel all nostalgic. Good times we had.

2094875 I'm very glad to hear such:twilightsmile: Nor what? :facehoof:

Sometimes one sentence would take up a whole paragraph. That felt like you were rambling a bit.
You did try to make Equestria grittier, but for some reason it just didn't seem to work. The smoking thing seemed overplayed and there was quite a bit of tell and not show (esp. with Spike and Scootaloo's relationship).
I dunno.

1771902 the pair ain't rare! so overused, how could you do it too! [no, I am not trying to rhyme, no matter how it sounds]

Okay I read this and I have to ask is english your first language?

2143841 Do you want the asshole review or the plain review?

2143913 Eh, I can deal with both, better to be honest and a jackass then cover it with lies and rainbows, right? And keep in mind I don't have an editor for this one, though I will be sure to get one.:twilightsmile:

2143952 Be warned the asshole review is INCREDIBLY biased, rude, vulgar, picky, INTENTIONALLY insufferable, and VERY over bearing.

2143985 Great, I'm glad to know you can be a jackass just like me when it comes to reviewing stories....bring it on:yay:

ASSHOLE ENGAGED!!!

All right I read the first chapter and I ran into a shit ton of problems.

To be a Princess or even Prince (if one was lucky enough to marry a Goddess) was a golden opportunity for many, many, many ponies, there was no equal in Equestria’s Kingdom for the creatures that dwelled there, none

This line gave me cancer from the very beginning. I understand what message your trying to send, yet I find myself reading it over and over again trying to get a better idea of what I'm reading. "To be a princess or even a prince was a golden opportunity for any pony lucky enough to even MEET royalty. For the ponies that inhabited Celestia's empire, there was no greater privilege than a crown and the Equestrian throne."

This sounds a lot better than the original. The message is clear and the story moves on a lot more smoothly.

“Oh thank you, thank you, THANK YOU SISTER, THOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS, THEE SWEARS!” Luna screamed, accidently going into her Royal WE before she blushed and hugged her sister tight causing her to chuckle and cough as she was winded by the sudden assault

This is another bit that has a slew of grammatical errors. The dialogue has an overload of commas and it seems as if it's two sentences mashed together. Accidentally going into her royal WE? What does that even mean!? I don' think I would be choking and coughing at the same time either.

"Oh thank you thank you THANK YOU!" Luna squealed, catching the chuckling Celestia with a tight hug. "THOU SHALT NOT REGRET THIS DEAR SISTER!"

Short sweet and to the point. I also don't like how the main antagonist in this fic is those nasty ass cigarettes. They are doing more damage than any villain has done in the show. I understand that its meant to throw a darker twist in an otherwise pleasant little fic but it's definitely a little overkill. Plus, Spike is a dragon. Why couldn't he just make his own smoke? Is that really how Rainbow Dash goes down? Shes an athlete! Most athletes are health nuts and I figure she would be more worried on achieving her dream rather than smoking it up.

Celestia grunted as Luna looked at her older sister with a smile but then frowned, and as was habit when she could not wait longer then she had to pulled out a carton of Diseased Stallion with her magic from her right wing, took one cigarette out, put it in her mouth then lit a match with her tail which in turn lit the cig and inhaled a lungful of the nicotine before blowing the grey smoke out of her nose making Pipsqueak wince.

What the hell!? I dont even :facehoof:... When you want to say cigarette just say cigarette. Not cig. Who the hell is lighting the cig!? Celestia? Luna's ass!? What the hell is happening!? I know you don't have an editor but holy hell this doesn't make any sense! RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRR :flutterrage:

Overall it was a pleasent read, but It's not a fic I'm gonna remember. I didn't feel sad when Rainbow was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I didn't get a darker feeling from the fics story, and I don't really see the problem a royal marriage would bring. Who would really be so petty as to care about a proper wedding? Love is love! Get a damn room.

Asshole rating: 6 out of 10
I love the idea this fic was based on.
I dislike the grammatical errors, the cigs, and the lame ass death of Rainbow Dash.

2144165 Well at least your honest and to the point, its true Spike does not need them but I can always see him smoking when he is older, it just how I see him. He likes the flavor and texture though of it, plus it helps calm him down if he is stressed. I'll be sure to get n editor and change a few things, most people would be pissed at getting such a reivew but your's made me laugh and understand I have some errors that really need to be fixed, thanks:ajsmug:

Well, well, I can't say I have seen much of this pairing around. And I like it.

So, in basic summation, it's the immortal love story, but it's not Twilestia... thank you. Haha, it's just nice to see something different. I doubt this is the ONLY story with this pairing, but it's the first I've seen. And while it's pretty short, kind of just getting right to the point, it executes it well enough for it to at least be an enjoyable read. Of course, aside from the grammar/mechanical problems; once I get to the two other chapters you gave me, I can probably get to this whenever you want me to. :raritywink:

Rainbow Dash's revealed illness is pretty odd, random because it just pops out of nowhere, but after consideration, I think it's a good idea. It kind of highlights how life is short and can change at any time. Pipsqueak could very well be considering this when this happens, so it's not that bad. It brings the point of the story to life; love sucks when immortality is brought into the mix.

Overall, it's a good story. However, have you ever considered expanding this story? There's a lot you can do with it. I don't mind that you skipped right to them being in love and skipped the marriage too much, but that doesn't mean it isn't something important to consider. There's still plenty of a story here, if you ever thought of doing more. I get that you have other stories to do, but keep something like this in the back of your head as well, at least, because from them falling in love to the wedding itself, this could be a great tale. It's good on its own, sweet and heartwarming. Rather than dwell on the inevitable, he decides to take the moments he has with Luna and cherish them. That's always a nice way to end it. Still, there's so much to cover that can make it even better. But that's always up to the author.

Yarrrrrgggg! I absolutely loved how the romance between pip and luna played out! we need more pipXluna fics that are both dark and romantic, good fic and I can say after all they went through some peace and quiet is what they deserve.............if you know what i mean

Just as good as I remembering reading it the first time you sent it to show me :rainbowkiss::rainbowlaugh:

This was the first LunaxPip story I've ever read, and I liked it.

It was short and sweet. And, if I'm honest, funny in places (the idea of Luna smoking... I just find that hilarious).

All in all you've done a good job with this. Congrats! :twilightsmile:

2467525 Thank you very much, I'm really honored. I love this pairing, despite the fact that poor Pip is only a mortal but it's still very sweet, I enjoy putting real world aspacts in Equestria:yay: I just very much enjoy having creatures smoke, the idea of Spike or others doing it seems real to me, you are welcome to use the Equestrian brand of cigarettes I created for your fics if you want. But I'm very glad you liked it, be sure to give the other Pip/Luna fics that catches your eyes a look over if you will.

My friend and I are thinknig of makng a long Pip/Luna fic together going to be titled Fur stained with Sin if you want to give that a look over once we get started on it:rainbowlaugh:

This is beautiful one-shot :).

2467634

My friend and I are thinknig of makng a long Pip/Luna fic together going to be titled Fur stained with Sin if you want to give that a look over once we get started on it:rainbowlaugh:

Can't wait to read this ^

2468660 Thank you very much, it means a lot to me, it's thanks to my amazing editor and best friend, Miss Dark Angel that it does not look like shit:rainbowlaugh:

Well, I sure hope so, we're hoping to work hard on the war fic:twilightsmile:

2467634

I'll certainly give that story a look when it goes up.

Also, none of the characters in my stories smokes, but if I decide to make them start then Diseased Stallion will be their brand of choice!

I must say this story has surprised me. When I started reading it I didn't think much of it but you have proven me wrong.

This may be a sad story bet you have written it in such a way that shows the brighter side of it all.

Pipsqueak may be mortal but he draws strength from his love for Luna, and even though Rainbow Dash is dyeing she stands strong and proud not only for herself but her friends and family.

I found this story to be cute, romantic and sad but I enjoyed it all the same.

Thank you Inferno Demon Dash and Miss Dark Angel Keep up the good work.

The Silent Watcher

Let me start off by saying: This is one of my favorite ships. I don't find enough of these shipfics. If anyone here knows a good one, please link me. :pinkiehappy:
I spotted no grammar or punctuation errors. :twilightsmile:
The question of mortal plus immortal was played to a near perfect degree, with Pip and Luna not worrying and just living their lives of love, yet with a dark spot in their minds saying it won't end well.
The smoking caught me off guard. From what I've studied, dragons probably wouldn't be harmed by smoke, and athletes like RD and Scootaloo would probably know not to pick up the habit.
And the part where you said Rainbow'll die in a year gave me feels.
As well as the fact Pipsqueak had only a good 60 years left before he passes, and Luna has the rest of forever. That would eat at my heart everyday if I was in either of their horseshoes.

8/10 :moustache:'s my friend. Keep up the good work

-Elijah

2470422 The story, Fur stained with Blood is up on Moonshine9012's profile if you wish to look it over, also don't be afraid to join the Pipsqueak/Luna group on his profile as well, can't believe there has never been made such a group:facehoof: Since you are a fan:twilightsmile:

2468660 The story, Fur stained with Blood is up on Moonshine9012's profile if you wish to look it over, also don't be afraid to join the Pipsqueak/Luna group on his profile as well, can't believe there has never been made such a group:facehoof: Since you are a fan:twilightsmile:

2550907 Your serious? That's a very big honor coming from you, it really, REALLY means a lot to me my friend, I love this pairing and you should join the Pipsqueak/Luna group since you happen to be a fan of said pairing. Shit, you know what, after I'm done with my major projects I may just come back to writing more of this, to see how I can create how they got together, how the wedding was and...something else, in my head canon Gods can't have children with mortals, it would very much effect the universe and is forbidden by ancient laws.

2552738 :rainbowlaugh: Well then I should get started on the big projects to finally come back to this one:twilightsmile:

While I didn't like the idea of Ponies smoking or swearing, I thought this story was moving.:twilightsmile:

2757781 It's honestly to each their own:twilightsmile: Personally I very much enjoy seeing a realistic side to Equestria then just sex, you know? But I'm glad you enjoyed it:yay:

2765958 Every single one of my stories is dark and realistic, well save for Shut the BUCK up!

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