555randomness
Joined 23rd Jun, 2015 ·
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Well that was... mild.
And I don't even just mean the non-con, I really don't mind "mild" non-con. And six is pretty mild for a "hyper" pregnancy.
But what I mostly mean is that Applejack's reactions were all pretty mild from start to finish. Then you have the ending which was just kinda... tepid.
Pretty sure you were setting it up for a sequel, but since this was a standalone story as it is, it could have used a little more oomph at the end there.
Still, all that said, I liked it! There's very little non-changeling non-con pregnancy and, though short, this was pretty good in that niche!
Would love to see a sequel.
That was... short
I hope there's going to be a sequel or you at least get a few of the other elements envolved in this
Do you mean brother? Or is Mac a mare in this AU? What's Mac's R63ed name? Macarena or something?
good story and I want to see more. Don't know if I'd call this mind-break though.
More?
I see problems with Nightmares plan. First off constant breeding would be very dangerous and can cause birth defects that would ruin her chances. Second off trying to increase the rate of age would have similar problems to the offspring. I'm guessing the pregnancies alone are probably shortened to what I assume is a month. Now sadly using science and some expirence in FFA horses have a pregnancy span of eleven months. Here's the flaw! Now I'm not saying that's the actual number maybe its two to four months but that itself is also dangerous. In a normal pregnancy the foal would probably still be a embryo or in the early stages of womb development. If Nightmare Moon is not only trying to increase her numbers by increasing the rate of age but also the rate of pregnancy then she isn't gonna have super soldiers, she'll have underdeveloped, brain dead, defective, man infants who will have little to no use of magic.
Nightmare Moon is screwing herself from the start. If she really wanted to do it right she should've just shoved her dick inside her own vag and see what happens.
Hope this little analysis was helpful for you readers
Sadly I actually thought AJ had a chance till I saw the title.
*edit* nevermind. I didn't read the title fully. I didn't see it was a alt ending.
8694977
Yeah but magic.
Way too short and not explaination on how NMM exists.
8695186
Sometimes Anon magic isn't the best answer
8695524
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/018/816/its-magic-i-aint-gotta-explain-shit2.jpg
8694977
Your analysis and knowledge of the subject is impressive. However, you're thinking too deeply. This is at the end of the day just a fetish fuel fic, the storyline is more of an excuse to make things happen. If we held fiction writers to stay 100% accurate to science than many fetishes would never be written about. I could also point out that the actual show isn't really scientifically accurate either. We've seen ponies do a lot of things which would kill their real life counterparts. None if that matters though because it's fantasy and the rules are completely different.
If magic can be used for instant teleportation, to create bursts of energy, and to travel through time, then I don't see why it can't be used to warp the rules of biology and allow for rapidly developing super soldiers.
8695315
It's a short clopfic, not a novel. As for Nightmare Moon existing, I tagged this as "Alternate Universe" for a reason. Obviously in this universe she's still active.
I appreciate both of you taking the time to comment. However, and I'm not trying to be rude, you're both wasting your breath. Most of what I write on this site is not heavily story driven. I try to make the story decent enough to have some basic logic, but the focus is mostly on the fetishy aspects. If lore-consistent and scientifically accurate storylines are what you seek than you're in the wrong place.
8696360
I just thougjt there can be a good story around this concept.
8696360
I completely understand and thank you for reading my analysis. Yes it is true the show really doesn't focus on much science but sometimes science is something useful.
At least AJ won't be lonely anymore with her friends sharing a similar fate
IMO, the only thing this fic needs right now is a scene where all the six give birth at the same time in a shared room
Hint hint 
Oh my, what a delicious addition. Though I do wish it had gone just a bit farther, was still a nice surprise update!
I thought it was pretty good, but I also feel as if it could of been expanded upon more. Another chapter or addition to this one. One where Nightmare punishes AJ for trying to escape even further by 69 face fucking her till she unloads, then moves onto giving her a rough anal session till another orgasm, than finally gives the stuffed apple mare a long stuffing in her cunt as she then force feeds her and her friends until her last orgasm for her punishment. Lots of dirty talking and more weight gain with cum inflation.~ But this is fine I guess if you want to have a small story.
I enjoyed it, but I think you could improve this even further, so I will give you a little critique. You wrote quite often how they were giving in and their mind was overtaken by lust, but missed a bit of a description for it. A way to show how they were succumbing. Maybe have some more dialogue at the beginning, some more resistance here and there to break up. The hips smacking back is a good way to show the crumbling resistance you used for example. You could have also gone for some pussy reactions. Like that their marehood was pulling them in, quivering in excitement despite their protests. Their body betraying them subconcsiously first like you already did in a way but more elaborate. Maybe try to describe more of the rest of the bodies activities. Flagging tails, or maybe guards are pulling their tails aside at first before it comes to the flagging? Maybe tails twitching up slightly at first from the heat before they are forced aside and the flagging comes once the body reacts to the breeding? You forgot about mentioning their tails which could be used quite well here to enhance the situation. Maybe dock biting, along with some who are doing tail pulling. Maybe mane pulling as a handle. Neck biting. Ear biting. Lean into their ears and whisper sweet degradation, that they are clearly loving it, or that they only need a good rutting to get into it. Maybe slut calling or other things. Just try to fill it out and don't be shy.
Maybe here an example:
I would elaborate it like this:
I hope my critique will help you in your writing!
will there ever be a good end?
I would think Applejack would somewhat like having her friends there. It gives her at least somepony to talk to.
You could also do other ways. One of the most effective ways to break her is to present the offspring and have them play with her. It makes it much harder for her to hate being fucked because it would also mean hating those innocent children.