555randomness
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FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Welcome to Fimfiction! If you ever need help don't be afraid to ask me!
CHAPTER 1:
*decide
All the underlined phrases should be entirely new sentences.
All these underlined phrases are something known as the "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" Avoid it as much as possible. Just use the character's name instead.
CHAPTER 2:
The underlined phrases should be sentences.
As I pointed in my review for the first chapter, avoid the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome as much as possible.
CHAPTER 3:
*days
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, avoid it.
~ ~ ~
The premise of the story isn't bad. The pacing is questionable, however. There are also parts better shown than told.
6124994
Or as I like to put it:
makeameme.org/media/created/welcome-to-fimfiction-cg87nm.jpg
6125187
Thanks for the tips. I did some revising on all three chapters. I'll also look out for LUS in the future, wasn't aware of it beforehand.
This is a mix of disturbing and interesting. Please continue, if only so that I can see Twilight get her comeuppance.
6125475 Why did you reply to thathere?
6127076
Just thought I would. --Why?
6127088 It just seemed totally random did is all.
6127094
Not nearly as random as that follow.
6127099 You made me think I got hacked for a second because I didn't remember commenting on this fic.
6127104
You want hax? This story has hax!
So...Twilight likes well rounded ponies? This just got slightly more disturbing.
6137730
Thanks! The next chapter may take awhile to get here, but I'll put a lot of focus on adding more detail. Specifically on the eating sections. This is my first try at something like this, so I'm learning as I go.
Oh man, Dash is going to get depressed soon, and then Twilight is going to regret this so hard.
1st
With that Rainbow Dash stood up and began walking back to town. All Twilight found herself able to do was stare at Rainbow's jiggling plot and think about how it was only going to get bigger from here on out...
and with that twiladash is born
Oh god, when Rainbow finds out she's going to be so mad. Also, I don't see how Twilight thinks she's going to win this contest. I mean, for one thing, there's no way Dash will agree to being shown off as a test subject. Secondly, there's the small matter of THE SERIOUS ETHICAL BREACH! Just saying.
Also, I should mention, you seem to have a habit of not having spaces after commas, there's a lot of that in this story.
just started reading this, and it looks good, but i can't let this one go
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
6155097 ethics shmethics, it's for
SCIENCEMAGIC!Poor Rainbow.
Twilight is being a selfish bitch.
This story is great, if I may ask how is the next chapter coming along?
6312999 It'll be awhile yet. Things have been busy lately and will probably get busier. Rest assured I haven't given up on this story though. I'll get the next chapter done sooner or later.
6535686
Glad you liked it. Sadly, I'm thinking about setting this fanfic to hiatus. Personal obligations mixed with writer's block are making it difficult to finish this up.
6536247 Same thing megapone said.
6536247 This is awesome!
Also Rainbow' s not fat she's fluffy.
If spike messes this up for twi it's not gonna be pretty...
Amazing story, I hope u write more in the future, this was awesome!
Ugh...why doesn't Twilight just ASK Rainbow for assistance instead?
And I believe you mentioned some sort of addition to this fine work also? Looking forward to it!
Not a bad ending, I liked the hypnotism part.
this is supposed to be the bad ending?
seems more like the good ending to me.
Oh...yes. YES. What a delightfully deliciously devious addition you have crafted here. Had to re-read the whole thing for continuity's sake and it was marvelous dahling. Love how Spike throws ethics out the window as well in favor of getting in on the goods.
Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to whatever might be next.
The ending was okay, though I think the fat could of had a bit more purpose to it than to just be arousing and to be used for photos. Over time I think they all would of grown to love it to a point to where they have her make the fat be more productive in lewd ways since the experiment is now over. With a heavenly obese body like that, she could make a lot of breast milk after a few good futa breeding sessions, maybe even have her gush a few good loads into her friends that end with them carrying a good amount of young. Poor spike would be caring for more than just Rainbow if her friends all had lewd and lustful sessions.~ Just a thought, either way it was pretty good.
Nice start but I still have a few problems,
First Twilight would never distroy a book unless she has no other option,
Second it would be easy to trick Rainbow dash to volunteer.
If I'm thinking what Pinkie pie think, what I probably do because I already call myself crazy, she figured out what Twilight is actually doing but stay silent to not unsettle her
Make a clop out of it would be so easy
I have to say it, Spike is a coward and I am totally right with that
Wait when did Twilight get her wings?