ppg1998
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ULFRIC STORMCLOAK IS THE TRUE HIGH KING OF SKYRIM! I WILL FUS RO DAH YOU SO HARD WHAT HE DID TO TORG WILL LOOK LIKE A SLAP ON THE WRIST!
Run! It's Godzilla!
They're ropes in the game, guess they didn't want to take any chances.
I wonder What Story Lies in the Story....Wait what?I don't knowthen why'd you say it? I don't know
MUST. NOT. MEME.
7849189 did I accidentally create a meme?
I love Skyrim to death, so I'm definitely interested in seeing a crossover
I'll start by saying that the first chapter made me really really nervous simply because you pretty much copied the Skyrim opening, word for word in most cases. The second one diverged a bit, which was a welcome change. There still isn't a whole lot to differentiate the setting from regular Skyrim, so I hope that you'll incorporate Equestria into the story beyond just having the protagonist be of a different species than normal. That's one of my biggest fears when it comes to crossovers, but so far it's looking like you might have it handled, which is good to see
I'm quite curious to see where you're going to go with it from here.
That being said, there are I few things I think you could have done better.
It's Tamriel, not Tamrial. Tamriel and Skyrim should also both be capitalized.
Minor nitpick, but Nirn has unicorns too. Do you plan on addressing the overlap there? It might make a little more sense if you tweaked the names for Equestrian unicorns, just like you did with Earth Ponies, so as to avoid confusion.
This was a really, really awkward place for exposition like this. Some of the things you mention are skills, which would be much better shown by having that character use them than just remarking to herself that she has them, and she might reveal in conversation that her parents taught her or something. Then there's the thing about her talent mark, which would also be much better implemented by having it come up in conversation, perhaps when someone else sees her mark and asks what it means.
The big problem, though, is that is makes very little sense for any of those thoughts to come up at the time you mention them. This is someone who's being called forward to be executed, after all. She ought to be scared, which you do show so that's fine, but do you really think that someone who, as far as they know, is about to die, would be thinking about how their mother taught them to pick locks?
I would strongly urge you not to do this. It would be jarring in a third-person POV, but it's even more distracting in a first-person one. Having Crystal be perplexed at the mentioning of The Voice already implies that she's not familiar with the idea, so I don't think you need this line at all.
Looking at other sections in parentheses, I wonder if you maybe made notes to yourself and forgot to take them out or something like that? I'm honestly not sure why some of those interjections would be there, so you might want to go back over this chapter and check on those. There were also quite a few places where you changed tense, so that could be another thing to look for.
In places like this, you could do a lot more showing. Saying that someone does something 'with anger' doesn't really convey very much. In this case, you might use 'scowling' or 'glaring' instead of 'looking,' as those words tend to convey anger. In dialogue, the word choice and context tend to convey emotion better than just saying that someone 'spoke with frustration,' but you could also switch it up by using different dialogue tags like 'hissed,' 'snarled,' or many others.
It's only one example and the items in question are fairly simplistic regardless, but the fact that you simply refer to some of them by their labels in Skyrim makes me really nervous. That's something you might want to avoid doing in the future by giving Crystal's equipment more elaborate descriptions. So if she were to acquire an ebony sword, for example, don't just say 'ebony sword,' but actually describe it.
If you're sticking to Crystal's perspective, she would have no way of knowing this. You could say that the spider writhed or twitched or did some other action that implies feeling pain, but Crystal doesn't know what the spider feels.
For the record, I'm not saying your story is terrible. I enjoyed reading it, but there were still some things that I think you could do better and I apologize if I sounded rude or excessively harsh.
7849241 thanks for the recommendation, I'll try to put in as many originally made quests as I possibly can, but it's impossible to ignore everysingle awesome quest in skyrim. I'm sorry in saying that crystal isn't going home anytime soon. Skyrim is meant to be the main setting for this story and I need to stick with it to help build crystal's character. And as for that comment in chapter 2 at the beginning in "()" that was a accident I forgot to delete left by my editor and I missed since I'm a little sick at the moment.
author i dont want a trollestia i want a mollestia
7849465 Sorry, I should have been a little more clear. I wasn't suggesting that Crystal go back to Equestria and I'm totally fine with her staying in Skyrim. My point was that I think it would be a good thing if you could weave elements of Equestria in Skyrim to differentiate your story's setting from regular Skyrim.
7849765 oh you don't have to worry about that, I plan on putting a lot of equestrian things into this later down the line, including some familiar faces.
Too bad it isn't an elder scrolls crossover, that would be more awesome... I say straight faced as if I don't expect anyone to catch the joke.