Rarity Alien abduction.

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Commander V of Cobra

Commander V of Cobra #1 · Nov 24th, 2016 · · ·

Sparity sequel? I could see that you know

Dinodisneylover1

Dinodisneylover1 #2 · Nov 24th, 2016 · · ·

derpy eyed grey alien is an alien version of Derpy.

"(Translation): FOR THE LAST TIME, WE DID NOT ORDER A GIANT TRAMPOLINE."
"(Translation): YOU KNOW WHAT PAL, YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE I SET IT UP." The delivery alien argued, before walking back to it's space scooter with a giant trampoline behind it. It then flew off.

Reference to The Emperor's New Groove. Magnificent.

omegasome

omegasome #3 · Nov 27th, 2016 · 2 · ·

...OK, I don't think I can finish this, and I'm not even at the sexy parts yet. If you will allow me to step out of my linguist robes for a moment, such that I'm no longer bound by my oath of descriptivism:

The grammar here is atrocious, even when you judge only by the rules actually followed by speakers (that is, excluding fake rules like the injunction on split infinitives and postposition prepositions) (which is how you should judge).
* The word "I" is always capitalized.
* exception: when transcribing text where it is not- exempli gratia if a character is reading from her phone).
* The word "does" agrees with singular, but not plural, nouns; you say "aliens do", not "aliens does".

Also an issue: The dialogue is a bit clunky, and a few things don't sound right; for example:
* While AJ is usually rendered as saying "ya" rather than "you", the phrase "easy for ya to say Rainbow" would be an exception- just try to say it, it feels wrong even in imitation. "Easy for you ta say" sounds more likely.
* People don't usually repeat information which is clearly obvious to both speakers- Pinkie saying "As an animal expert which you are" is strange, because Fluttershy knows that she's an animal expert.
* Similarly, there's no reason for Twilight to say "my brother Spike" when Rarity should know Spike is her brother- granted, the readers don't know this, and providing that information in non-dialogue would sound strange too, but the dialogue feels too weird this way; a more flowing way would be to have Twilight say something about Spike and have another character (likely Rarity) respond using the phrase "your brother", which between the characters is an obvious reference to Spike and to us informs us of this continuities' differences from the standard Equestria Girls universe.

This is all I saw so far. I hope this helps you to improve your writing. Being able to write a good story with bad writing is an easier trench to get out of than being good with the style but bad with the story, which is what I'm stuck with :P.

[I'm sure that Muphry is about to hit me. I should probably find something to duck and cover under.]

Arkunus Stilshire