• Published 24th Oct 2016
  • 10,509 Views, 76 Comments

An Unexpected Summon - Oldtakufanboy



It was a normal miserable day, until I was summoned by the queen Umbra

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Comments ( 34 )

We need more umbra stories.
Needs more cum but thats my fetish

My only question is what happened to the princesses in the dungeon

Excellent! But I thought it was little bigger story.
Anyway, thank you zoddtheimmortalone for your work. :pinkiehappy:

Hakuna matata? A disney reference? You, sir, are an evil genius. Great story, really gets the blood flowing if you know what I mean.

Mate great story and characters and a really good "clop" scene at the end there i only wish that it could have been longer
P.s the king approves

Comment posted by Oldtakufanboy deleted Oct 30th, 2016

7682262
Aww, I was picturing Umbra using them as her advisors since she might need help being a good ruler after only having experience as a dictator.

7682448

You know, that sounds like a good idea. I'm gonna go and change that. Will work on that in a while

UPDATE: I added your request. also added a little more to the ending :raritywink:

There should be a sequel with Umbella in it.

Btw good work on the story. Thumbs up to you! :D

7682767
Thank you. Sequel may or may not happen. I'll think about it.

'Umbrella'

Perfect name, amiright?
;)
Wether or not that was sarcastic, you can pick.

Ummmm.... So did Umbra free Celestia, Luna and Cadence?

A sequel would be cool but it's up to you. Also great job with this thumbs up

Comment posted by Admiral_Gravleos deleted Dec 13th, 2017

Bravo bravo very well story but you should add a epilogue that is like based like 3 years in the future:twilightsmile:

7683555

She did. I edited it because someone gave me an idea that Cadance, Celestia, and Luna become Umbra's advisors.

7684296

I was originally going to, but I bailed on the idea

Is Suzan nicknamed "Big Boob Jude"?

7685010 Terribly sorry about that, I happened to misread it and didn't think to go back over it.

My apologies.

7685256

If you like it that way

Eh, I thought this felt rushed, like really rushed. I honestly though this was gonna go longer and the character developments would progress at a reasonable, realistic pace. This was like forcing 3-6 months of that development into one day, under those three chapters. From the looks of the comments, I could also see why the last part looked more jammed in this story into one run-on paragraph.

The story had good potential and an interesting plotline, but the execution was almost saddening to read for how quickly things progressed. Since I'm so off put in this, I'll leave neither [dis]like and will just rate this 6/10.

7678302 First chapter in the story, where John comes home and Dimlight and Gleamlight greeted him:

I love these two twins; they were like the kids I never had. It makes me wonder if Teresa wanted to have kids or not. If I can be great with these two fillies, then I can absolutely be a great father figure to my kids.

From this, most would assume they'd be in the same age, probably between 6-10 years old considering their behaviors, but then this comes in:

Dimlight is five years old and she loves to play 'go fish' whenever she liked to. Her fur is light gray, dark blue hair and tail, pink pupils, and she doesn't have her cutie mark yet. Gleamlight is ten and she's mature for a ten-year-old. She likes to clean, cook, and care for a pony if they are sick. Her fur is dark green, light blue pupils, light dark yellow hair and tail, and she has a cutie mark of a cleaned plate. I'm glad she and her sister are raised by great parents.

If there's a difference of 5 years between two kids, they're not considered twins, far from that. Like
7688973 defined, they have to be born at the same time on the same day in order to be considered twins. If they aren't born on the same day, they'd only be considered siblings, sisters, nothing more, nothing less. Also, you can't put "light" and "dark" together to describe a hair color trait like you did for Gleamlight. It's gotta be one or the other, or you're contradicting yourself.

WTF are you talking about? They aren't related; they're a married couple

:rainbowhuh: :rainbowhuh: :rainbowhuh: Um, what? I don't know what you're referring to. Are you saying Dimlight and Gleamlight, siblings, and young at age, are married to each other?

7689378

Ohhhh, I thought you meant the main character and Teresa.

7689389 Not even close. So even though it might be way past due, could you at least fix that error in the first chapter? Out of everything else that needs to be fixed, that's definitely the most glaring.

7686450
It's amazing that stretching a single day into three chapters can feel rushed, but the pacing here is really borked. He goes from "terrified for his life" to "thinking she's his new soulmate" overnight. The dialogue also feels forced. The grammar and spelling is imperfect, and the formatting could use some work. The sex was super awkward to read, too.

Overall, it's not terrible, but it is definitely flawed.

This setting and premise really needed a lot more time to set up and build.

7702000 Well, geez! I just wanted to know if John's old girlfriend was nicknamed "Big Boob Jude". Calm it down, dude.

Hmhmgn
Okay so I kinda sorta like this story...kinda
I liked the thought that Umbra just liked the man's looks and all
But the turn around from evil to good kinda just...it was to quick for me.
My synopsis
Umbra got the evil f:yay:cked out of her ?

At it's current state this story is way too small for what you wanted to accomplish; John moving on from a woman he was previously married to for five years, come to love a corrupt and downright tyrannical mare, and even get her to not be the aforementioned tyrant. It just doesn't work in such a short amount of time, realistically at least. Give this story at least 50-100k, and it'd make a lot more sense.

This was a fun story. Thanks for making this, it was really nice to read.

Love and friendship can change someone. Nice ending

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