The Bland Finale
Author's Note
You read that right, I've been racking my brain thinking of how to continue this when I realized this is exactly where I wanted to end it, which is probably why it took me so long. I was trying to fit a round peg in a square hole.
Don't fret, though, I'm writing other stuff, too!
Also, because I'll probably be writing a lot more for the next few months, you might want to track me. I assume if you've read this far and waited this patiently you are enjoying this so far!
"Sorry about that girls." Twilight said momentarily after re-appearing in her comfy, comfy bean-bag.
"What was all that about? Didja freak out from being away from a book for more than fifteen minutes?" Rainbow Dash snapped out of her apprehensive state just long enough to deliver a 'witty' barb.
"No." Twilight spoke dryly, "Princess Celestia seems to have promoted me from 'Faithful Student' to 'Security Blanket'".
Rarity's eyes widened with sudden inspiration as she turned to Twilight, mouth opening as if to say-
"No, Rarity," Twilight struck first, "I do not think that Princess Celestia would appreciate a gem-encrusted teddy-bear."
"But-"
"Nor a blanket, nor an overly elaborate night gown."
Rarity harrumphed but didn't respond otherwise.
Twilight turned back to the movie, unsatisfied. "Okay, then."
Maybe, then, Rarity mused, If it were neither a gown, nor a blanket...
"I can tell I obviously haven't changed your mind," Twilight didn't look away from the screen, "just, make one for Luna too, then, okay?"
Oh, how wonderful indeed, I won't let you down, Twilight. Rarity thought calmly as she burst out of her seat and ran around the room hoof-pumping yelling 'Wooooo!' in a display that made even Pinkie Pie uncomfortable.
"Oh- Oh dear... I just did the out loud thing and the in-my-head thing mixed around, again, didn't I?"
"Sugarcube, if I have anything to say about this, you'll never live this down." Applejack smirked.
"Oh, dear" Rarity said in faux-horror as she fell back into her chair, "it's almost as if you want me to tell all our friends about some of the special orders you've made the past few-"
"Shuttin' up."
"But, Rarity!" Twilight protested, "You can't just-"
"Dress measurements." Came the fashionista's response, spoken in a tone that could only possibly be described as 'bored'.
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash flared her wings indignantly.
"Might I remind you, Dash, who you have come to in the past about your as-yet-unrequited love, hmm?" Rarity idly took a sip from her iced tea.
"I- Touché." Rainbow's wings sunk in defeat.
"Ooh! Ooh!" Pinkie bounced excitedly in her own bag, "What dirt have you got on me, huh?"
"I swear, this is even worse than Gabby Gums." Twilight muttered to Applejack, who nodded in reply, making sure Rarity didn't overhear them.
"Pinkie... I'll give you three." Rarity's eyes glinted in the light of the projector. Rainbow would later swear this was the scariest part of the movie, although she never got to see most of the rest.
"Three? Huh, I don't-"
"April 21st. August 29th. September 7th."
"Wow, you're good..." Pinkie sunk lower into her chair.
Everyone slowly turned to face Fluttershy, the only one left standing. Err, sitting.
"What? I haven't done anything-"
"Fluttershy just knows that I could tell Angel about what happened to his parents."
"I thought you knew taxidermy!" Fluttershy hissed, "I didn't think you'd make them into slippers!"
Everyone stared at Rarity in shock.
"Do I look like Rainbow Dash? I should hope not!" "Hey!" "Because you cannot believe me to be that gullible darling. If that were true why do you still wear them so often, hmm?"
Now everyone stared at Fluttershy in horror.
"I... I... Okay, I admit it," Fluttershy hung her head, "They're really, really, really comfy and snuggly..."
"Twilight?" Applejack whispered, shellshocked.
"Yes, AJ?"
"If you ever see me get on Rarity's bad side, shoot me first, it'll be quicker that way."
"That's impossible, darling," Rarity's sudden intrusion to the conversation caused Twilight and Applejack to jump, hearts in their throats.
"I don't have a bad side!" Rarity smiled innocently.
The five other friends in the room shuddered and went back to watching the movie.
"I swear, I didn't do it!"
Johnny slammed the accused Roam against his locker.
"Why'd you run, then?! Why'd you leave me with Feather's dad to deal with-"
"Oh, buck me in the horseapples t'ill I sing like a songbird, it'd be easier to deal with" Roam cried out, "He's involved in this now?!"
"You murdered her, what did you-"
Roam growled and, despite the massive size advantage Johnny had on him, forced the stallion away. The locker behind him dented from the sheer force of it.
"I did not kill Star!." his face was streaked with shimmering tears.
Johnny's expression softened. "You know what? I think I believe you."
Feather sighed with relief, letting out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. One brutal killing was enough for her lifetime, let alone 24 hours.
"It was her wasn't it? That pony from our dreams?" She murmurred. Though she asked it like a question it was clear she already knew her answer.
"I... I don't know what else it could have-"
"Freeze, you son-of-a-whore!"
"Dad?!" Feather shrieked.
"I knew he'd try to meet up with you kids, I ju-"
"You used us as bait? I'd call you a pig, Lieutenant, but I don't believe feeding them slop is too good for them."
It was just as the Lieutenant took a swing at the insolent earth pony stallion that the barn exploded.
Rainbow jumped into Pinkie Pie's arms, who embraced the opportunity for a good snuggle even in a situation as dire as 'The entire building you're in falling apart in a hail of splinters'.
"TWILIGHT!" Rainbow screamed, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU GOT THE THREE DEE VERSION?!"
Twilight's eyes remain shut closed, holding up the protective barrier around them, just as her older brother had taught her to do. The defensive response was almost ingrained in her-
"Because I TOTALLY MEANT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN, FEATHER-BRAIN!"
-as her tendency to use sarcasm as a coping device.
"Where's Fluttershy?!" Rarity called out, scrabbling furiously around for the yellow pegasus. It immediately struck Twilight that Rarity's first reaction was to put her friend's safety above her own, it was a calming thought.
"I-I-I'm under h-h-here... I'm sorry, I didn't think it'd be an issue..." A soft voice was muffled under Fluttershy's cushion. It was amazing the spaces she'd fit into when she was terrified enough.
"Wha' in the whole, wide world of Equestria was that?!" Applejack yelled over the ruckus. "Wha' mangy varmint would go about smashin' my barn like that? Who would be able to smash mah barn like that?!"
"Don't look at me!" Rainbow snapped.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders, Siege Engineers!"
"Bullseye! See, I told you we could hit it without Pinkie's help!" Scootaloo cheered.
"Dead on target, Sweetie Belle, you've got a real good eye for detail!" Applebloom congratulated.
"Yeah, well, couldn't have done it without you putting it all back up together, Applebloom." Sweetie nodded.
"Hey! I found the boulder!"
"Yeah, Scootaloo, you did, it was a totally wicked boulder too! Where'd you find it?"
"Oh, it was just outside Rarity's boutique!"
"What do we do now?" Pinkie asked, pretty much oblivious to the carnage around her. Carnage was probably Pinkie's baseline average, after all.
"Well, I guess I could-" Twilight started as the door to the barn fell out of its shattered door frame.
Standing there was... Was...
"Loudest of gasps!" Pinkie yelled, "The movie's escaped into the real world!"
"Hey, Twilight Sparkle," a bashful young stallion holding a bouqet of roses nodded in response. Applejack found it odd, at first, that he seemed to be more nervous about seeing Twilight than seeing a building explode in front of him, but then she realized where his train of logic must have sent him. Heck, if AJ and Twilight weren't in her line of sight when it happened she might have already been hoofing them the bill!
"G-Gem?! Is that you?" The shield faltered with Twilight's concentration.
"It's been a long time..." He murmurred, looking up from the floor to meet her watery gaze.
Twilight walked slowly over to him, caressing his face slowly with a hoof, reaching out, as if to confirm he was actually real.
"Far too long..." She agreed, her voice weak and faltering.
"Oh, just kiss already!" Rarity screamed, "The tension is killing me! I have not just had a building explode around me for you two to just be friends! I need some conflict resolution already!"
Twilight and Gem stared at Rarity in shock, mouths open. Gem Lance, Cherry-Wood celebrity, famous movie star, one of the most beautiful stallions alive... Blushed furiously and looked away, glancing down in the general direction of Twilight's feet.
Twilight sighed and sported a devilish grin.
"You always made me take the initiative, didn't you?"
And with that, they snogged. The kiss was drawn out, long, only stopping when they were interrupted by Rarity's clapping and girlish giggling. She was the only one in the room who was not completely frozen in sensory overload.
"Now!" She declared, "Run off into the sunset!"
"But, Rarity, it's already night-"
*POP!*
Gem stared at where Twilight had been mere seconds ago.
"Does... Does that happen often?"
Then the sun rose... In the west.
POP!
"Celestia owed me. We have five minutes."
"I... I am okay with this."
Gem scooped her up, gingerly dumping Twilight across his broad, muscular but totally timid shoulders, and rode off into the sunset in the general direction of Ponyville.
"Did... Did that actually just happen?" Rainbow screamed out in confusion from Pinkie's lap.
"Well, I- Argh, what is that awful glare?!"
"It's coming from over there, Rarity..." Fluttershy observed from her hiding place.
"It's... Tom?!"
"Weren't you the one who wanted us never to speak of this again, sugarcube?"
"But he's a diamond!" Rarity squealed.
"No, he's not, we already went over this, he's just-" Rarity clamped her hooves on Applejack's head and turned the farmers head to see the giant rock which had crushed the barn.
The impact had split it directly down the middle, causing it to fall into three equal pieces. Inside each piece, embedded in the stone, was a daimond about the size of a pony. They had fractured along the lines where the diamond turned back to rock...
"Like my cutie mark..." She whispered, breathless.
"Well, roll me in flour and call me Celestia, Discord was tellin' the truth after all?!"
"Well, sure!" Pinkie's chirp was muffled by Rainbow's flank in her face, "He was the god of chaos after all! If you lie all the time you become predictable, and predictable is the opposite of chaotic!"
"That makes a lot of sense, actually, Pinkie..." Rarity nodded.
"Oh my gosh, did you see that?! That was- Oh, crud, they were inside..."
"Sweetie Belle?!"
"We had absolutely everything to do with that! I found the rock, too!" Scootaloo nodded firmly.
"Applebloom?"
"Sorry, sis, usually I'd lie or make excuses, but that was just way too cool for me to lie about it."
Rainbow Dash nodded as if this was the most reasonable thing in the world.
Rarity sighed.
"Okay, Applejack. Since this is Sweetie's fault, here's one third of the diamond."
"That's very kind of you, Rarity."
"Hey!" Scootaloo stomped a hoof, "I want a third, if it weren't for me you wouldn't even-"
"Quite right, Scootaloo," Rarity interjected, "You get a third as well, finders fee."
"Sweet!"
"Now, how will you be paying me?"
"Paying you?"
"Yes. You stole my boulder. I would like it back!"
"I... Broke it?" Scootaloo's head hurt. So... Confused...
"Well, how will you be replacing it then?"
"All I have is this chunk of diamond and- Oh. Right."
"Very good. I'm going to make these into something fabulous to decorate the boutique's facade with, ta-ta girls!"
Rarity skipped, skipped, out of the ruins of the barn levitating two chunks of giant diamond behind her.
"Girls?"
"Yeah, Applebloom?"
"See that glint in my sister's eye?"
"...Yeah?"
"It means run. Now."
"Oh. Cool."
"... Applebloom?"
"Yes, Sweetie Belle?"
"My legs are frozen in fear."
"Mine too. Scootaloo?"
Scootaloo sighed as Applejack calmly advanced towards the three in the manner that ponies have when they are, in fact, already destroying you so hard in their mental fantasies that they have no time to dedicate spare brain function to something as trivial as displaying their irate rage.
"Go, go gadget, Scootamoscooter!"
Applejack chased the three fillies on the Scooter into the fading sunset, too, leaving just Fluttershy, Pinkie and Dash alone in the ruined barn.
"Ah... IneedotalktoTwilightaboutsomethingbye!" Fluttershy blushed and exploded out of the barn.
"That was... Weird." Rainbow muttered.
"Hey, Dashie." Pinkie waggled her eyebrows at the pegasus on her lap.
"Ah, Pinkie, why are you giving me your bedroom eyes?"
"Hey, Rainbow, you've got a massive blush on your face."
"Do NOT!"
"Your voice says no, but your wings say 'I want to have a special party with you, right now, in my-'"
"I get it, I get it..." Rainbow murmurred weakly.
"You liiiiiiiiike me. Rarity told me."
"I do no- Wait, Rarity told you? That traitor! When?!"
"When we were left alone together for hours on a railcart back to Ponyville and she was really, really mad at you and thinking of ways she could get back at you."
Just because she knew what she was in for doesn't mean *I* knew...
"So... You li-"
And then Pinkie and Dash pashed and all was right in the world.
The Next Morning
Eughh... Why am I in Pinkie's bedroo- Oh. Right. We should totally watch more movies if this is what happens.
"Hey, Pinks, I-"
"Oh, hey Dashie! Sorry, I gotta work now, but I was waiting for you to wake up, but I didn't want to wake you up, because you look so adorable when you sleep!"
"Oh, er, okay..."
"Oh, don't be disappointed Dashie! I'll spend the rest of the day with you later, promise, why don't you go out for a quick stretch of your wings, huh?"
"Yeah! Sweet! First awesome flying, then more awesome stuff and things."
She zoomed out the nearby window.
Well, she zoomed at the nearby window, worked out she needed to open it first, then zoomed out the window.
She soon passed over a familiar purple pony. She descended with a smirk, prepping her mental inventory of "Librarian insults 101".
"Hey, Twilight, I thought you'd still be shacked up with that boyfriend of you-"
SPLA-SQELCH!
Rainbow Dash was sprayed with warm sticky blood as the librarian before her was ripped apart, explosively, bits of brain and gore stuck in her head.
"Twi-Twilight?!"
A kidney chose this moment to land on her head. It was not pleasant.
Rainbow screamed wordlessly, so terrified was she she had forgotten how to breath. She hit the ground with a soft 'thud'.
*Rustle*
Twilight and Fluttershy removed the tight fitting safety goggles and walked out of the shrub they were hiding in.
"See, Twilight, that's how it looks like anatomically."
"Huh, I see. Thanks, Fluttershy, that was very interesting. Though, I have to ask, why do you have a meat-model of me lying around?"
"Oh, don't worry Twilight, I have one of all our friends, just in case."
Twilight sighed in relief.
"Oh, that's okay then, I thought it was something creepy for a moment there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date!"
"So, Sister, look what arrived in the mail!" Luna cried cheerfully, "The Element of Generosity has sent us blankets! With Sleeves! They are most comfortable indeed!"
She opened the door to Princess Celestia's dark chambers wearing the cowled Snuggie.
"Never again, no sleep, never again, no sleep, never again..."
"Sister, art you alright?"
Celestia turned to see Luna, silhouetted in the doorway, wearing the cowled, ghostly blanket.
"NIGHTMARE MOON! ARRGHHH!" Her horn flashed furiously.
"Oh, buck, not again..."
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Bravo! Bravo!
That was just beautiful!
ALL MY YES!
...I love you. This is the best ending ever. To anything. And you mixed in shipping too.
wat
ON THE MOOOOOONNNNAAA!!!!!!
Hahahahaha
I'm sorry, but I just can't enjoy that much random. This kind of comedy just isn't my thing.
wait... wat.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxpazwVXvS1rn95k2o1_500.gif
I read the title and description and already am pumped!
I cant wait to read this!
Death is always funny if it isn't actually death... and if it's a prank it's even funnier
oh yay... and HA HA Rainbow fainted
The parts came together gloriusly if somewhat unexpectedly...
anyways this story was a ton of fun
They did what now?
Oh Rarity...
That was some good stuff right there.
wait wait wait... did the REAL Gem guy literally just show up and make out with Twilight... because that confused me. The rest is funny though.
Also, you misspelled the second use of diamond after Tom split into pieces.
1294088
No worries, it was tying together the last five chapters, mostly, and as you can see HOLY CRAP 7,000 people, nearly 20% of this entire site, has read this, it would be unrealistic for me to expect comedy, a very subjective thing, to appeal to that many people in its entirety. I'm honestly flattered you've read it this far as it stands.
1294173
Pash. It's like french kissing, only the word assonates and alliterates with Pinkie Dash.
1294067
Fun fact, I was planning the Pinkie Dash from the start, notice in the first chapter "Foreshadowing can be put when you least suspect it" after Dash and Pinkie get closer together?
ummm... that ending was great and answered all the questions I've had. Best fic ever. Yep. never seen a more appropriate title.
manifa.de/img/mlp/aj_face.png
that was AWESOME!
HAHAHAHA
3.bp.blogspot.com/-giKiKYqu8b8/Tn_5TDT23eI/AAAAAAAAAHo/EeAQZGyEt38/s1600/rainbowlaugh.gif
Admirable ending. I'd love to see a sequel where they see a chick flick. Just some more suffering for RD.
The proper term is "art thou", but I still loved the story nonetheless!
Somebody's been writting while high again...
1294288 SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!
Anycase one of the best WTF endings ever.
1294290
Done on purpose, to reflect Luna learning but not quite getting it. Fractured Ye Olde Englishe!
Is there a way to Super Favorite this?
Super Favorite should be added specifically for stories as entertaining as this.
Truly brilliant work.
That was... hilariously random and nonsensical. XD
Brilliant stuff.
For a fanfic that wasn't truly about the movie itself, you sure spent a lot of text describing what happened in it.
Tom's a diamond. That was an awesome twist.
So discord when did you replace numbers?
And then there were lolz to be had, the end.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders, Siege Engineers!"
when some thing is really funny, i laugh so hard i forget to breath. this the first fan fic that did that
You're asking me to follow you? Seems a bit desperate...
Okay, sure!
[satanicvoice]But I demand you follow me as well![/satanicvoice]
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1442_cool_story_bro.jpg
1294593
Haha, like I said, it was a suggestion, I don't count followers as my quality as a writer, I've just noticed that my last two stories have gotten 1% of the views this has had, and people seem to like my stuff, so it's sort of just a way of saying "I write more than just this, if you want to read more than just this."
1294218
Start to finish, as always. Just felt like giving my two cents
Bravo, my friend, bravo. You had an eccelent run with this. Although the last chapter took a bit longer to get out, it was well worth it.
1294619
Yeah. The one story I wrote that wasn't a crossover was left with very few views and my worst like-to-dislike ratio (4/1 compared to my new best, 55/1 for my Republic Commando crossover), and I put it on hiatus. I get that the ones you don't care about as much become more popular than the ones you put the most work and love into, though.
Still, I'll follow you and check out some of your stories later when the site lets me watch you. For some stupid fucking reason, the mouse stays a pointer when I move it over your "watch" button, but it's a finger when I move it over anything else.
Holy crap that was hilarious.
What were those three dates Rarity listed for Pinkie, though?
1294754
As long as Pinkie Pie behaves you shall never know
This chapter was confusing and also confusing. And also I didn't like it. I'm not sure I want this story in my favorites anymore. Oh well, the first 3 chapters are solid gold.
almost as ingrained
what? AJ speaking in the 3rd person now?
Wow, Rarity's kinda scary. Good thing she doesn't have a bad side.
Go Twilight! Get some!
Wow, that was some ending.
Ho-lee-shit. That was a masterpiece. It was WELL worth the wait. Goddamn that was funny.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/143356%20-%20After_party%20animated%20homestuck%20pinkie_pie%20what_now.gif?1344079379
PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!!!???!!
Am I the only one who is bothered by the fact that Fluttershy not only knows what the mechanics of how a pony getting ripped apart looks like but did nothing but watch as an unnamed pony *coughcoughtrixiecoughcough* got eaten alive by one of the bears under her care?
*happily eats pizza as he reads*
This story kept me laughing the whole way. Bravo sir!
>Checks updates
>Movie night updated
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lol...wut?
And then Pinkie and Dash pashed and all was right in the world.
Yes.
Yes it was.
Also, you made Tom a diamond.
I have been desperately waiting for someone to do that.
Course I also wanted Tom to ditch Rarity once revealing he was a diamond, but ya can't have everything now can you?
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F'real though.
That was...
that was.
Did the randomness of this chapter have anything to do with my suggestion of Discord as Pennywise the Dancing Clown?