Theorangefox
Joined 19th Oct, 2011 ·
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dis gun be gud dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
edit
super sexy
I came here for the plot
807645 lol
Source of pic? XD MUST TROLL FRIENDS WITH IT !!!!!
The whole "Mr Human" thing makes Twilight look a bit stupid. At least that's my opinion.
807645
gameinformer.com/cfs-filesystemfile.ashx/__key/CommunityServer-Components-ImageFileViewer/CommunityServer-Discussions-Components-Files-14492/0317.dat_2700_-plot.jpg_2D00_610x0.jpg
There was a ton of missing commas, but good overall.
A story by orange that doesnt involve Mrs. Cake or orange spit fire or somthing like that i forgot your OC's name
(Edit) just looked it up it was firestorm.
808189 I've done a few clopfics without Firestorm in them. I just don't post them here, it's mostly other OC oriented stuff.
Whelp I can honestly say I wasn't expecting to read something like this tonight
But I'm tired so fuck it why not
Nice job! This was a good fic dear sir. A few grammatical/punctuational errors here and there, but nonetheless good.
I normally don't read human/pony clop-fic but this was really good!
809401 Thanks very much. My first time doing one :P
807645
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
Fucking hot. Gave me many a boner.
Very very good. You are very talented ^-^ I am curious, though, as to how long it took you to write and edit this fine piece of literature.
812622 I could have done it in a day like most of my clopfics nowadays, but my brain was being a doofus! Thanks anyway! Glad you liked it!
Not bad at all. Details were nice, and besides a few small errors here and there and some OOC Twilight dialogue, I liked it.
Good work.
807645 I see wat you did there
812523
There are children here, sir! Language! It's an ERECTION.
819369 thank you very much, I try my best!
I'm afraid that since we have been months without a really useful rating system (thumbs up/down is kinda lame) I decided to formulate one for this story...
th08.deviantart.net/fs71/150/i/2012/165/c/7/twilight_plot_by_baka_neku-d52s25j.png th00.deviantart.net/fs71/150/i/2012/124/3/2/fluttershy_proudly_showing_her____by_yanoda-d4yfkcp.png th02.deviantart.net/fs71/150/i/2012/164/d/8/rarity_plot_by_baka_neku-d539let.png th00.deviantart.net/fs71/150/i/2012/165/b/a/rainbow_dash_plot_by_baka_neku-d53flqh.png th08.deviantart.net/fs70/150/f/2012/145/7/f/aj_fun_2_0_by_sircinnamon-d4xp2m3.png th00.deviantart.net/fs70/150/i/2012/164/0/3/pinkie_pie_plot_by_baka_neku-d53e33y.png
Out of 5 plots...
828546 Haha AWESOME!
828546 How I wish I could copy images in this browser. Bah! I WILL RETURN LATER!
Also great story.
830869>>837406
That's it, I'm rating clopfics out of plots from here on out!
OK
That is an awesome picture, and I love the fact that it got its own story. Amazingly written, Orangefox. Can we expect more like this? Second Person fics, I mean.
828546
Genius.
847118 Maybe, that depends if artist come out with good enough work to inspire me with new ideas!
849759 How about the Rarity and Pinkie Pie pictures
862008 Mmmaybe.
I wish I could give this more than a single thumbs up. I'm not usually one for clopfics, I do however enjoy yours.
Good luck with future clops n fics and all that good stuff.
Hunter C. Creed
830869
Knew ye would!
*P.S.*- Sorry I replied over on this story, I was reading some of your other fics to better see how you write. Either way you'll get the alert anyway.
-Time to pass the metaphorical ball of conversation-
This Fic was great btw. I'd honestly like to see you work on another Human X Pony clopfic, it would be interesting indeed.
Reply or PM me your thoughts on the matter if you wish too.
Pretty good, the *Mr Human* thingie was very cute.^^
twilight's my favorite pony, so i thank you for this.
essentially i was quite aroused.
i1061.photobucket.com/albums/t463/immabonor/lol117.jpg?t=1344327955
Other than that it was amazing!
>> Theorangefox you my sir have earned my watch congratulations.
faved and watched, awesome story...
'Twas a good clopfic that I will return too now and again I'm sure. Good job, sir.
1255323 thanky very much!
*pomf*
ah......very "steamy" I should say
1795631 haha thanks man!
Ok. What I am about to say might not be what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear.
Firstly, learn how to use punctuation properly, especially commas.
Secondly, show, don't tell.
Fix those two things, and this will be able to give me a boner without kicking me into editor-mode.
1887002 I suck at both!
Awesome!
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSDb-52QsUfa9lB6ublnOV9fR1Y0SXfi4qZ7PFc9ae26g12KhBR
I remember that picture… though a story inspired by it is rather funny to consider, but… why not check it out? Heh… Oh, and one little thing: Do NOT attempt a drinking game of each time I type “Place a comma between”. I got more critical halfway through… but was having a bit too much fun, all the same.
… “it takes a another” – ‘it’ should be capitalized, and ‘a’ should be removed.
Why would she suddenly do that, rather than pay attention to the creature sitting opposite from her?
… “are a turn on” – ‘turn’ and ‘on’ need a hyphen between them.
… “circling around your mind” – The sentence starts by addressing yourself as ‘someone’, thus, not personal. As a result, ‘your’ should be ‘their’.
… “mind.
The” – There’s only one space separating these lines. There should be two.
… “There’s the sudden one” – Describing a picture as a ‘sudden one’ doesn’t make much sense. ‘There’s one in particular that comes to mind’, would be better.
… “She sits lying on the ground, hooves tucked in under her belly giving you a nice view of her round…” – Wait, she’s facing AWAY?
… “smack bang between” – ‘bang’? Maybe ‘dab’ would work better.
… “she’s far different she’s beautiful” – Place a semicolon between ‘different’ and ‘she’s’.
… “must feel in heaven” – ‘have felt like they were’ should be placed between ‘must’ and ‘in’.
… “not a second” – ‘not’ should be capitalized.
… “talks and its pretty” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “ignorance, you’ve already felt a brief sensation of it” – The fact that it just starts off with ‘ignorance’ doesn’t sound quite right. Maybe ‘You ignore her protests’.
… “She’s exactly like a human, jackpot” – Replace the comma with a semicolon.
… “Twilight moans responding” – Change ‘responding’ to ‘in response’.
… “a pony who’s enjoying” – Change ‘a pony who’s’ to ‘and she’s’.
… “and is obviously in wanting” – Change ‘wanting’ to ‘heat’.
… “the sounds the mood” – Perhaps a comma between ‘sounds’ and the second ‘the’?
… “its sloppy or messy” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “she analyses it showing more” – Given the context, ‘analyses’ should be “analyzes”. Also, ‘she’ should be capitalized.
… “she leans her mouth” – ‘she’ should be capitalized.
… “closer to you sucking harder” – place a comma between ‘you’ and ‘sucking’. Otherwise, it sounds like the male’s doing the sucking… somehow.
… “Her hair sprawled all” – ‘hair’ should be ‘hair’s’ given how there was a period previously, rather than a semicolon.
… “to penetrate beginning” – Place a comma between ‘penetrate’ and ‘beginning’.
… “for thrusting her” – Place ‘into’ between ‘thrusting’ and ‘her’.
… “thrusting her in and out” – Replace ‘her in and out’ with ‘in and out of her’.
… “It’s wet warm and” – Place a comma after ‘wet’, and after ‘warm’.
… “place in each others mouths” – ‘others’ should be ‘other’s’.
… “waist again panting for” – Place a comma between ‘again’ and ‘panting’.
… “her hot puffy mounds” – Place a comma between ‘hot’ and ‘puffy’.
… “her name feeling your” – Place a comma between ‘name’ and ‘feeling’.
… “her warm fuzzy body” – Place a comma between ‘warm’ and ‘fuzzy’.
… “her soft, wet tight mounds” – Place a comma between ‘wet’ and ‘tight’.
… “as she get up” – ‘get’ should be ‘gets’.
… “her hot wet tongue” – Place a comma between ‘hot’ and ‘wet’.
… “on yours feeling it” – Place a comma between ‘yours’ and ‘feeling’.
… “her plot is rather indeed” – Remove ‘indeed’.
… “watching it slot” – ‘slot’ should be ‘slide’.
… “increasing as the” – There are two spaces between ‘increasing’ and ‘as’.
… “when its all the way” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “warm wet flesh” – Place a comma between ‘warm’ and ‘wet’.
… “moans sensually panting” – Place a comma between ‘sensually’ and ‘panting’.
… “Especially Twilight sparkle” – ‘sparkle’ is a name, thus, needs capitalization.
… “Mr. Human don’t” – “’The Human don’t?’ That’s MR. HUMAN don’t to YOU, Twilight!”
Okay, being serious, place a comma between ‘Human’ and ‘don’t’.
… “those wet pink lips” – Place a comma between ‘wet’ and ‘pink’.
… “is incredible forcing” – Place a comma between ‘incredible’ and ‘forcing’.
… “hot gooey solution” – Place a comma between ‘hot’ and ‘gooey’.
… “solution.
At” – There’s only one space between ‘solution’ and ‘At’, when there should be two.
… “throbbing pulsing shaft” – Place a comma between ‘throbbing’ and ‘pulsing’.
… “Mr. Human that was amazing” – Place a comma between ‘Human’ and ‘that’.
… “embracing each others loving” – ‘others’ should be ‘other’s’.
Well, where to go with this? The premise is believable, given Twilight’s natural curiosity, though I’m glad you considered that she also had these sorts of feelings welled up deep within, thus making it seem like more than simply going “What are you doing?... Oh, well okay!
”. It merged general curiosity with lust, which was suitable for this story.
That said, the shifting perceptions got a bit confusing after a while. It was second-person, but still “omnipotent”, in that you knew exactly what Twilight was thinking or feeling at certain points. The problem with this is that it ruins the second-person immersion factor that makes second-person viewpoints so immersive in the first place.
Coincidentally, the same issue came around with your later story, “Luna’s Butt”, with a shift in perception ruining certain aspects that came across, though it wasn’t nearly as prominent as it was in this story. Regardless of that, I still enjoyed it, though one other complaint comes to mind: Whenever Twilight shifted her position, you should have mentioned that such events occurred, such as when she faced away from “you”, or when she flipped back over and turned away so you could start the scenes involving anal.
Just an afterthought, but still, it seemed worthy of note. I still enjoyed the story immensely, but those parts just… irked me somewhat.