• Published 25th Jun 2012
  • 4,579 Views, 100 Comments

Dash's Tears in the Rain - SwiperTheFox



Dash loved all humans. She had to, the company programmed her that way. One mattered more than most.

  • ...
9
 100
 4,579

Fic Soundtrack II (Tears In Rain)

Fic Soundtrack II (Tears In Rain)

[youtube=KWuJWVp7jNg]

Comments ( 52 )

799401
799436
Thanks! :pinkiesmile:

I hope that the general reading audience will like this as much as you guys did when I finally do release it...

Anything that you'd particuarly change or stuff like that?

799443 The death scene of Liam could have been a bit more...in view? But otherwise I think it went rather well.

799469
I struggled with that a lot... I ultimately want to imply that he didn't die from his Addisonian crisis (because he did get the shot of coritsol in time) but that he struggled through more time in the hospital with her at his side before he eventually kicked it.

But I really... it felt wrong to do it in view. It's like in my "A Nightly Romance" fic, where Strawberry's death is always just implied and instead I focused on the emotional reaction from Luna and others.

But if you think I should tweak it, I'll seriously reconsider doing that.

And, once again, happy that you like it! :ajsmug:

799443
Oh well that would be why it hasn't got so many likes wouldn't it? Good luck to you (although I doubt you'll need it).

This makes me a sad panda. :fluttercry:

Seriously, though, amazingly well done. I had an emotional response, which is almost never happens. Keep up the good work.

I like how, in this current version of the story, the details achieved the perfect balance between "clearness" and "awkwardness". We now are capable of better imagining our surroundings, but still, we feel "oppressed" by the different reality the story shows us. And I very much enjoyed the description of what the “turn on & off” actually mean now, helps to clear the “bad” kind of confusion (the one you don’t want the readers to have).
One little nitpick: ”He’s really into horses. [...]” This makes Liam sound like “the town’s goat-molester”. :rainbowlaugh:
I enjoyed even further her despair when the factoids that she was programmed to know about made themselves known to her. This and the fact that she’s grasping reality itself. I can also see that you’ve made Liam the “thing” that allows Dashie to cling to reality... now I’m hoping to find out that she’ll have an identity crisis once she has her first contact with death (Liam’s death, as kindly SPOILED BY MUZZLEDELK! :twilightangry2:)
Fuck, Swiper... just by these descriptions of how her mind works... It is very safe to say that this right here is the best, most relevant story I’ve ever, ever, ever read. Not just fanfiction (and I’m not kissing your ass here; unwarranted praise is something I don’t do).
He pulled up the tablet computer in his right hand and clicked a few things. Tapped? Tablets are handheld, after all.
He dug his hands into his fur. Her fur.
But my brain was only mostly dead. Too much knowledge for a simple mind, don’t you think? Maybe “But I was still aware... I- I couldn’t move! It was horrible” or something?
I like her “Pinkie” attitude towards Liam, conveniently explained with the massive “overdose” of hormones on her brain.
“With me so far. Question mark?
“Dash’s are both?” The ’s isn’t good for plurals... Just make her say Dashs, Dashes or Dashies.
”[...]epiphany right then and there, than the doctors would take her back to their lab [...]” Then.
”He couldn’t bear to let that happen. He couldn’t have her taken through those horrible factory lines full of cold plastic and hard metal.” Exploit a bit more her cute/innocent demeanor... not sure if it would be OK to delve into what Liams considers a life and a conscience.
“Don’t ever think that being a machine means I’ll ever turn you off. Even if you can turn back on just fine, I won’t if you don’t want me to. Don’t ever think that being a machine means I’ll forget you, hurt you, abandon you, or anything like that.” Liam... I tip my hat to you (that goes for you too, Swiper!)
When the “musical” part started, I couldn’t help but think “where is he going with this?!” and then, BAM! Imprint! I like how “real” and “artificial” it all seems at the same time: She imprints because it is a part of what she’s programmed to do, but after it happens, she’s clueless. Like opening your computer’s calculator right now and asking the monitor what was the last mathematical operation you performed before you last shut it down. Oh, and I’m not sure yet what’s with the cutie mark (and the previous twilightlicious) references. Be careful, Swiper... people tend not to like those very much (but since these are the only two so far and they are very spaced from each other, no harm can come of it, I’m sure).
” He swatted those thoughts away.” Maybe add a blush here or there, telling us readers that he’s NOT a zoophile. :rainbowlaugh:
Wait- his hospital room is inside the institute? I’m slightly confused. Wait- scratch that. Now I get it- she’s still in the testing phases, so he had to “move” to the institute.
Corisol,” she repeated. Cortisol. And wow- he’s really fucked! I mean- Addison’s and Grave’s?! An autoimmune disease mixed with adrenal insufficiency? I’d take my whole thyroid off if I were him. :rainbowlaugh:
The only one of those diseases I haven’t studied yet is Evans’. Liam, your brain is great... but your body is a minefield! Oh, right! A word of caution, Swiper: It’s not just because he’s taking Cortisol shots that he automatically has Addison’s. (Why do I imagine him dying of acute kidney failure?!)
Thousands upon thousands of thoughts coursed through her brain, almost paralyzing him. Whom are we talking about, again? (Also, I think you can maximize the emotions on this part a little more, but just a little)
He nodded, and she immediately grabbed the small white box on her saddlebag. She took a deep breath, hoping that this attack wouldn’t be as serious as the last. He had looked just fine only a moment ago. This paragraph could’ve been WAY better. Make her mentally confused, but not showing it because she knows that Liam wouldn’t want to see her happy.
March 16, 2027 – Greg-Allens Mall – Dallas, Texas – 1:15pm Expand this a little more, Swiper. Make her anxious, waiting on the white rooms with the white couches and the people dressed in white. Make her nearly break when the doctor tells her, make her demanding for a better answer (because the doctor is clearly annoyed that there is a machine trying to show sentiments towards him). And I have an idea for tearjerking; Since her eye is organic, it must have tears to serve as a lubricant (amongst other things) for the eyeballs. So, make the tears spill from her eye and make her even more confused as to “What’s happening to me!? Am I crying?!” (well... it would be a more realistic take, IMO)

“September gurls,” she sang along, “do so much…”

She heard a loud snap.

My turn:

”S- September g- girls,” she tried to sing along the tune embedded into her mind. Dashie began to feel something strange; it was as if her thoughts were being drained from her. She closed her eyes and scrunched her muzzle painfully, trying to focus on the lyrics that seemed to simply vanish. “No... no! I- I will remember! D-o... so much-”

She heard a loud snap.

But, if you make this, you’ll have to edit some parts in which she appears singing the music... make her strain with it a little until she finally finds the lyrics. Or leave it be and just state that she heard some of her other masters playing it. She couldn’t recall why exactly she liked that song and why it reminded her of Liam, but she always felt something whenever she heard it.

”She closed her eyes once more. She had discovered from the grapevine of other bio-orgs that his eye-movement meant that she wanted to cry.” Typo of this or is she thinking about his eyes?

Tearjerker: As the guy is putting the collar on RD, make him ask her if any of the other masters did this to her. She remembers Liam briefly, but knows that, although the act was the same, it felt different. With Liam, it felt right! And then make her cry. (Oh god, I am a heartless bastard! :raritydespair:)
I really don’t know what would be sadder: Make her somehow know that Liam did it with her and make her feel sad for it OR make her happy to be able to serve Todd. I guess the second one is worse...

“At the end of the day, your our product.” You’re.

NOW THIS ENDING is something else! Now this is what I’m talking about- the story builds up nicely and deflates the reader bit by bit then, out of nowhere, pops the balloon!

PS: About Crescendo Molto. I saw that you saw the cover art and was all "FUCK YEAH!" Glad you liked it! Now... I'd hate to be a prick and keep bothering you by asking for help but... do you think that, after this fanfic here is 100% done and published, you could help me out with it? :twilightblush:

799469 IDK, Muzzled. I think that it makes it even sadder to leave the reader to his own imagination. My opinion, though.

802375
Edited!

And thanks for your help! :heart:

I can see similarities between Blade Runner and this.

I hope that this doesn't take like... you know... to upload...

I can see how MLD could fit in with this...

Reading it over thrice and editing, I can deduce one fact: this story is predictable. I don't know what tipped me off, but from the instant I started reading this fic I knew that Dash would end up dying at the end. I don't know if it's the sad tag (something always seems to die when the sad tag is introduced) or the general tone of it - It wasn't too hard to realize that, by the end of this story, somepony would end up buying it.

That's not to say it's not well-written (it is)... it's just predictable.

805876 The ending, even if predictable, doesn't account for the story. It is just that- the ending.

805876
That's a kind of fair criticism. To be honest, that's a large reason of why I dislike sadfics in general (whether reading them or writing them).

All I can say is that tried really hard while writing in a genre that is anti-thetical to my tastes, and that I had to prove something.

805894 Fair enough. The story as a whole was marvelous... it's just that a predictable ending has the effect of looming over me as I read something.

As I read the happie-dashie scenes, my mind was whispering to me, Hey - see that adorable Dashie unit on your computer screen? She's gonna die in about ten thousand words. Kinda ruins my ability to enjoy the happy when the sad is sitting over me like a dark cloud.

805916
I just have to mostly disagree. This is designed after Blade Runner, a fic where you had a somewhat clear idea of how things would end (yet not that spelled out), but the journey became a powerful ride. And there's psychological tension and an 'off', 'unsettling' feeling going through everything as Luce said.

vargras made a blog post about making a dislike on this.... what a cunt.

Aru

Ok..... i feel like after reading "My little Dashie"(my first mlp fic and.... this fic suck me into this whole fandom and make me watch MLP). Great, great story! I love this type of stories and hate at one time... i have hope that i'm not going to live so much long to see some "products" like this. Cause i am sure humans made something like this someday. Terrifying thought. We have nice example about Dashie from this story. For me she was alive, not some fucking toaster to screw it or shut down when bored...
Fav and like.
*snif*

Eh, I couldn't get into it personally. Without going into huge detail, it's too full of naval gazing, predictability and the usual tropes in sad stories for me to really care that much. Plus some of the dialogue was, uh, more than a little awkwardly worded, along with some the forced explicit implications. It wasn't bad by no means, which is why I'm not giving it a dislike, but I just couldn't find the will the care here.

816262 How could one not? :ajbemused:

818451
That's a fair criticism, but the thing is-- I probably couldn't do this story justice unless it was like twice as long. And I couldn't really handle that. I mean, seriously, I teared up myself writing this several times. I'm not a sadfic fan at all. I wrote this for many reasons-- one of which was to challenge myself in the same way one might climb a rock wall. I hate being thought of as a porn-ster only and not as an author that can do non-porn.

There's a lot of depressingly existential stuff in here as well as a writing style that's intentially 'robotic' and emotionless at times. There's choppy moments, and the Liam thing isn't resolved-- but I wanted it that way. I wanted to give the reader the sense of being led through something forceful in way that Dashie's life is being controlled. In parts, this story could use some serious work.

But, all in all, I'm glad that I wrote it. And I'm very glad that you like it. :twilightsmile:

831101
I felt dead inside me too while writing it. But, seriously, glad that you really did like the writing, sad as it is. :fluttercry:

843564
Thanks. I'm happy that you liked it-- this is a story that sucked the life out of me and took me to places that I didn't know would work-- yep. :ajsmug:

889575
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but it feels like I could only have done all that if I made like a 50k word epic story. And while I suppose I have the talent to do that, the waves of emotional saddness would like kill me inside. Writing this story here at just 22k was hard enough on my soul as is. :fluttershyouch:

I was trying to go for the bio-orgs / the Dashies being considered just as like cell-phones or other products. And it could have been interesting to discuss Liam's view a lot more, but still I wanted to have him be the secondary character. Dashie is the heroine. You can see how I was intentionally subverting the tropes of My Little Dashie, much as I like that story and relied on that story for inspiration in this, but detailing Liam as he relates to Dashie but making other things vague. Yes, I probably could have including a lot more discussing the issues that you mentioned. Those are good points. Again, I suppose this story just exhausted me. It's still exhausted me-- since I haven't done anything substantive since I did it. :trixieshiftright::trixieshiftleft:

Again, thanks for reading and reviewing. Glad that you liked it. I'll think about all that if/when I do a side-qual or sequel to this. :twilightsmile:


889578
i'm happy that you like it. At least Dashie did get away, yeah... and I cried while writing it too... :applecry:

902838 Np and I seriously mean it, U came close to mld standards which is pretty impressive!! Can I ask who was mark and why was he chasing Dashie as the end??? just trying to understand the entire story as a hole!! Still it remains one of the most awesome fan fics :pinkiehappy:

902881
Marks was a representative of the company that made Dashie that wanted to 'repossess' Dashie (considered company property no different than a toaster of a fax machine) so that her body could be dismembered and used for spare parts to make more of the android-like creatures. Dashie, although having gone through so much roiling her emotions, didn't go for this. And she was strong. :rainbowdetermined2:

Marks is a) a reference to the Deckard character from Blade Runner, b) a biblical reference to Mark-- one of the key apostles, and c) a direct metaphor. Dashie was 'marked' for death. Marks as a human being was the instrument of that 'marking'.

902949 Dude that's so flippin clever!!! Thanks again for such a brilliant read! I honestly can't say how impressed I am! If this was made into a feacher length film It would probably beat Avatar and get billions more :rainbowlaugh: Also I've adverised ur story on DA :pinkiehappy:

954772
I totally relate... I have so many things to look at... :fluttershyouch:

But I'm happy that you enjoy this story, yep, since it's one of the most emotionally important things that I've done for me... :twilightsmile:

1024036
1078837
Yeah, thanks guys! :raritystarry:

This fic really was an out-of-left-field thing from me, fighting against type so much as more of a comedy/romance/slice-of-life author to do a sadfic. I'm very happy that you both like it. :heart:

Goddammit. I don't know what I was expecting when I read this, but it made me have all the feels. :applecry:

Good job. Poor Dashie... :fluttercry:

Curiosity, where did you get the cover image from?

1318981
I honestly don't remember. Anyways, thanks for reading.

1345815
I was going for 'My Little Dashie', so I guess then mission accomplished...

I cried as well when I wrote it. :fluttershbad:

1496662
It's a depressing work... :raritydespair: anyways, I'd glad that you thought it was a good work. :raritystarry:

I would seriously recommend watching Blade Runner. My average / middling / mediocre writing doesn't do justice to such a superbly done film. Although, still, I'm proud of this and the positive response from people. :twilightsmile:

I could expand this out. I don't know. It feels like a final draft to me, but I could keep going until I had something like Past Sins (in size)... I could... but I don't really want to.

1501473
They are not the same person. However, I was thinking of the real-life Howard Jones when I used the name. So, kudos to you for seeing that I guess. :ajsmug:

I don't hide references or anything intentionally to trick anyone, but I often use names, titles, et cetera of real things and real people like that... I guess it just makes writing more fun. :twilightsmile:

Is it bad that I made a point to imagine all characters as being portrayed by a young Harrison Ford?

I have to agree with the teal faggot. This is really good!

1702874
Nothing wrong with that at all!

1774640
Sure, thanks! :heart:

1798853
Yeah, writing this took a lot out of me as well. But I really wanted to tell this story. :fluttershyouch:

Thanks, anyways, for reading! :yay:

1806374
Interesting! I'll try and read it soon!

ڿڰۣ---

When I first saw this story, I really wanted to read it because these sorts of stories are interesting and I kind of had my interest in an MLP version perked by the story http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25674/fey a long time ago which was never finished and then I saw this finished story and was like :yay:.

Very touching. Dashie develops as a sentient being despite her programming constraints and partial memory wipes. She really struggled through parts of her life, especially after Liam died. Dash's inability to cry is something I can sort of relate to. The most I can do is my eyes really burning except on very very rare occasions.

Also, am I the only one who can't see how Dash and the story sounded robotic at all, even knowing that everyone else saw it. The writing and Dash's thoughts don't feel robotic to me. This might just be connected to why everyone always joked that I was a robot, cyborg, android, etc. and my writing always seemed robotic to people.

Comment posted by grayhound deleted Sep 10th, 2013
Login or register to comment