Twilight has gotten rather tired of having to deal with all these humans sent over into Equestria. Dozens of them pop up in the oddest places week after week, from rustling atop trees to sliding across roofs to sloshing around inside bird baths, and she has the unenviable task of getting them assimilated into Equestrian society before they can be sent home. She does her best, knowing at least that some humans take to things better than others. Seriously, bronies, stop sending these humans to Equestria-- you're making her feel sad.
I've been suffering from writer's block for a long time. So, I've decided to write a story making fun of myself and my silly ideas about humans amidst ponies. For the record, this is my second story referring to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" because... yeah. Thanks for reading.
He pulled the blue chain, didn't he. Why do they never listen when she tells them not to pull the blue chain
ugh mental images thanks
Well, toilets that have the ability to rip one's dick off is not good design...at all. >:|
Brilliance is what I've come to expect of Swiper, and it hath been delivered yet again.
I can't decide whether or not I want to know what the blue chain does....
Thanks for the comments!
Also, ah, I didn't have in mind that the blue chain causes the device to remove your manhood (I refer to Peaches surviving it more or less okay), it just involves, ah, things that would feel weird... and so on...
Will this story ever turn cloppy?
892473
Ahhhh... no. It's meant just as a silly comedy.
[insert joke about starting the story with "toilet humor" here]
So, does whatever sends humans to Equestria select for a lack of common sense or self-preservation instincts, or is it a side effect of the magical overload they get upon arrival?
897984
There's a mixed bag. A lot of humans over there seem to be more of the derp-ish sort.
that dumb bastard pulled the blue chain
Gah!
ITs so silly, I can't handle it!
No seriously, stuff like this is out of me league. Call me either when one of them wants to commit suicide or genocide.
Yeah, ponies don't shave human heads while they're sleeping; that would be too obvious. They just take little bits of hair instead.
903661
hahahahaha
Well then....
905414
Is that a 'good' "well then"?
905421
That, and a confused one.
I'm not sure where this is gonna go, but I like.
Baahaha! Oh boy, I know I'm looking forward to more of this
I am one who enjoys poking fun, and you sir have the capability of doing so.
So, more please?
it's here! And totally random, as expected...
Still continuing this, huh? Yeah, I stopped caring when you had that guy forcefully fixed (practically brainwashed), and had that retarded plot line of Twilight rutting all the humans so they would behave. That was seriously dumb, and you made everybody (and every pony) seriously idiotic to a degree that makes this whole thing OOC.
Nice try with the Scamper explanation. It still doesn't work. Everything points to him being forced with an overly bitchy Twilight that sent him to be fixed against his will, have him drink something, then suddenly acting completely different and accepting his new name. All he was to the ponies was a little pet, that's all.
At least this is an AU, and thank God this isn't clop.
I guess I don't like the humans being retarded for no real reason, the ponies being so impatient with them, treating the humans as second class citizens (like pets even), and so on. That may not be what you wanted it to be, but that's how it comes across. For crying out loud, it says "assimilated" right in the description.
WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO
Somewhere, a physicist is crying.
What did those muons ever do to you?
Oh dear god. what does it do?!
908035 yes lest treat all minority species like equals
dogs
cats
elephants
cows
pigs
now they all have rights
that means no more meat
908140 Sapient creatures treating other sapient creatures that come clothed and can talk as they were pets. They treat the actual animals better than the humans. What they're doing is racism to a certain degree. It's like treating a tourist like they were a monkey and they come up with the most convoluted bullshit plan possible that doesn't make an inkling of sense, even giving them new names and everything. It's terrible.
908158 Almost every creature in EQ is just as or near the intelligence of a human if we apply that to our world then the same thing would happen humans would dominate at all other species would be second class. Also Gilda is the only character thus far with a semi human name. My friend Anthony is a foreign exchange student from china when he came over he changed is name to Anthony. The same thing could be applied to the story series that swiper is producing.
908035
Oh, for Pete's sake, giving tough criticism is one thing but creating a fantasy based on what's not in the story and bashing that straw man is something entirely else. Why are you just antagonistic for no reason other than being antagonistic?
First of all= it says "assimilated" right in the description.
Yes.
Exactly.
"Assimilation".
This story is a silly, satirical take at 'assimilation'. Rather than having three boorish, lazy, and overly typical American teenagers getting stuck in France and having to learn French society as immigrants getting their citizenship-- I made them get stuck in Equestria and learn Equestrian ways. There we are. This is a fish-out-of-water, incredibly silly by design, take at those fish-out-of-water situations. The students are in an assimilation class.
Again, an assimilation class-- they are immigrants. They are not treated as dogs. They are not treated as cattle. They are not pets. For Gods sake, if the ponies just were going to treat humans as second-class beings, then they wouldn't go to great lengths to show them how to use their emigrant country's bathrooms, their kitchens, and so on.
Secondly, as for the plotline of previous fics where having sex was viewed as a cure for human depression and humans were 'fixed' to cure those issues... those were also laced with satire and were silly. They were meant to be silly. Goodness. The idea of sex as a cure for depression is something that I sure as hell didn't come up with myself. And that had nothing particularly to do with being 'second class citizens' or anything like that. Watch any sitcom where characters use sex as a mood boost.
Noone was forcibly 'fixed'. Every human wanted it and enjoyed it. Of course, it was something OOC-ish, but that's just it... I'm shipping humans with ponies in the context of satire. Things will get OOC-ish at times.
Look: criticism is one thing, but it's not fair or nice for you to just make things up out of the air. Again, why are you just antagonistic for no reason other than being antagonistic? I see you posting comments all the time, and it's all flaming of some kind.
908176 Not really, since there are actual critters that can't talk (the pets) versus sapient creatures (like the Minator, Dragons, Griffins, Donkey's, Mules) and they're treated like an actual person, whereas these humans need to be converted (even though they leave) and need to be talked to like little kids, and given new names. This entire thing Swiper is doing is really really stupid, not to mention that these stories of his basically thrives on OOC-ness, especially Twilight.
908193 I guess you can believe it all you want, even if what you write and what you say come across as two different things. What happens in these stories and what you say don't match.
You keep using the word satirical.
--(of a person or their behavior) Sarcastic, critical, and mocking another's weaknesses.--
--In satire, vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement.--
I don't think you know what that means, and if you do, you're doing a poor job at it.
Oh, and having a sex toy in a bathroom just for the sake of having it as a gag is lame, and it's not fun to read giant dialog boxes.
908198 You live in a calm peaceful world all of the sudden humans show up
they then proceed to viking it up
1 Kill everything which cannot be either pillaged or raped
2 pillage everything which cannot be raped
3 rape all that is left
4 set fire to shit and leave
because honestly the largely defenselessness ponies arnt going to put up a fight
so conversion
making them docile and and less likely to rape / pillage / kill / set fire to shit and leave
908217
908198
If I had wanted to do a story with explicit human abuse and people being treated as like slaves, then I would have done a story with explicit human abuse and people being treated as like slaves. I wanted to do silly and sometimes sexual things.
To be honest, it seems like the only person viewing the whole series as something nefarious and evil is you. Everyone else seems to view it as a set of silly comedies mixed with silly-ish clopfics about human immigrants and their problems with assimilation.
Just look at it step by step: humans need to be converted (even though they leave) and need to be talked to like little kids, and given new names.
1) humans need to be converted (even though they leave) -- Thus making them like immigrants.
2) talked to like little kids -- Again, thus making them like immigrants.
3) given new names -- Exactly. Like. Immigrants. To. Another. Country.
908217
It's not a sex toy. Of course, most of the fun of this was making the thing ambiguous, but the whole point was that the toilet would clean a mare's parts in ways that would be ideal for her, ah, parts the way in which they are physically oriented-- but it would not feel so nice for a male. Cleaning. It's a toilet, not a sex toy.
And there are occasional big dialog boxes. The story is not built like that. Just-- occasionally.
If you don't think that things aren't that funny, then that's fine-- obviously taste will differ from person to person and it's certainty not like there aren't funnier fanfics on this site. If you don't like the inherent concept, then that's fine, again, people are different. But please stop pretending that the stories say something that they do not.
I just wish that you'd make some kind of actually helpful criticism in the sense of, say, that Twilight would have had X prepared probably or that she'd never call someone by Y or that she'd probably show the humans to learn ABC through another method... and so on. Just going "You are terrible" is not helpful.
Of course, it's your right to say what you want.
im tracking dis shit
The rate of Humans in Equestria is Too Damn High!
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQn6VV_ZrV1SthkikSby4DcEViAho2eJUgE8jOh-dd05-o_7eNRUw
908251 What? These ponies could tear apart humans. Fluttershy got rammed through a tree, and wasn't fazed. I think you're hating on the human race.
908253
The giant portion of the clopfic directory's comments say otherwise (at least, that's what they tell me). This is a site where a transgender Spike story could get the feature, and people who aren't interested in your stories just don't even bother. I had faith in your writing before, but this whole humans needed to be converted whether they want or need to is asinine.
It's all forced, and not very funny. Reading your fics are like a slap in the face, and it has serious dark undertones that apparently you weren't intending to have. Having the characters act so completely OOC leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and you seemed to go off the deep end with that.
Immigrant: A person who leaves one country to settle permanently in another. You don't really know how actual immigration works, huh? They don't need to change their names at all unless it's suppose to be a secret or they want to.
Why would Twilight do that to other sapient creatures? What kind of ambassador would treat newcomers like that willingly? It just seems you have no real idea what you're doing.
Against their choice, whether they want one or not. I guess having a choice is for stupid people. They're not sneaking into a country during war times, they're being sent there and just need to adapt, not changed.
908329 well humans do suck for the most part but have you ever fought a dog (using as example because of size) one time i was in an ally and a street dog attached me. I kicked it in the head and then i held it down till animal control could get there. Ponies of same size couldn't do shit to a fully armed human. also it was RD that got slammed into a tree.
also you take what he writes serious
excuse me while i laugh even harder and get more people to laugh at you
Hilarious. I laughed in rl.
908276
Pretty much everything you made Twilight do goes against what Twilight would actually do, that's all. She's not prepared, she has no real idea how to talk to other people from other cultures, she's treats the humans like they're complete idiots, she did no real research, isn't very tactful at all, has no real understanding and very little empathy towards them, she forces them to do things against their will sometimes, doesn't explain herself very well (or not at all sometimes), mostly talks like Data from Star Trek, made her and her friends kinda like little whores with a very stupid reasoning, and is kind of an idiot in parts where she would've known better, even in the show.
Like that? That's basically how your Twilight acts in a nutshell.
Sure, she's a little bit socially awkward, but it was by choice, and we really don't see her awkwardness at all. If anything, Fluttershy is the more socially awkward one, since she exhibits all of the traits, while Twilight only has a few, and only because she wanted to be alone in the beginning, she knows how to give speeches, knows how to talk to people, and she never actually knows how to help people without trying to make them feel stupid, even if sometimes that's what happens on accident. She actually has very big patience levels with people not getting what she means, but in your stories, you seem to forget all of those, and only play to her easily angry side (which is more akin to Rainbow) for the sake of "comedy."
Why didn't Twilight just say what that blue thing was, then? "It cleans mare parts, don't use it." "Okay." Of course, then it wouldn't have been funny.
908356
What ever you need to do to make yourself feel better. Usually, those kinds of comments need a gif to accompany them.
Look up Hurricane Fluttershy if you don't believe me about her being slammed.
908399 you mean this picimages2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120326013416/mlp/images/9/91/Tree_eyes_II_S2E22.png your rite that is totally fluttershy
908403
[youtube=sBsOrNSXqgw]
Even if it wasn't, my point would still stand.
technically were both correct
908420
908425 Yep.
908429 *shake hand* good day to you sir
908434 *shakes hand back* Thanks, you too.
908329
908399
As for the clopfic directory, it's funny-- because on your userpage you claim that you don't use that site. And it's an anonymous-based site, so I suppose it's certainty possible for you to bash me or others anonymously over there and now cite those comments as a user. You can find it not funny. That's fine. Opinions of that stuff will just differ. That's okay. But I don't see those undertones at all.
Your specific comments... were not specific and are not helpful at all. Again, I feel like you're reading something completely else than what I've written. Twilight is prepared, she's rehearsed things, but she just get flustered at dealing with a particularly less intelligent bunch. Twilight isn't a good communicator and is nerdy/socially-awkward to begin with, and these situations make things worse. I seriously don't get, or I suppose I just don't disagree, at all.
The only thing that I've read out of this whole conversation from you that makes sense is the thing about the toliet. Yes, Twilight should have said explicitly what the chain does. It would have made things less funny. I had her forget about saying exactly what it does. That's a fair point by you but, seriously... that's 'explaining the joke'. That's something that isn't a flaw, it's just... a choice made if you want to do comedy.
Once again, let's look at your objections one by one.
It's racist because ponies forced humans to change their names.
First of all, only some of the immigrant humans changed their names. Most of those humans that did so got their names from Pinkie Pie, who has treated humans nicely the same way that she treats everypony nicely (although she is wacky). Those names are like nicknames. But some humans-- like Cody, Graham, et al in this fic here-- have no nicknames! And the humans with nicknames have varying attitudes-- some really like it. Some don't.
Seriously, immigrants often get nicknames. Someone named 'Abdullah Jesus ___' could be called 'A.J. ___'. It's the same thing here. Again, nothing evil. Nothing nefarious.
It's racist because ponies talked slowly to humans, used short talk, or otherwise seemed to talk down to them.
I've written some ponies just talking bad to humans. Others have been very nice. Other ponies have talked to humans the same what that, say, an American would speak to someone from a farm in Romania who came to, say, Chicago. They've talked slow, they've explained things, and so on. In this fic, we have a class. A class. The humans treat Twilight vaguely akin to a teacher. Again, this is satire about immigration. It's not nefarious.
It's racist because ponies have had sex with some humans to relive their perceived depression.
Again, this was some humans. Some. Other humans have had sex with ponies because they really had an emotional connection and really seemed to like each other. Other humans-- like some in this fic-- won't be getting any from ponies. The idea of curing depression through sex is silly. I know it's silly. I know it's inane. It's meant to be that way, as a comedy thing. No human has been raped. It's all been around about what happens in your usual sitcom about "sleep with me and you'll feel better about your bad day at work" and so on.
I'm going to have to be honest here and say that I don't understand why this is so personal to you. You have this vendetta that I just can't understand. If you really and sincerely hate everything that I've done and consider me a hack writer, then why read my stuff at all? And if you want to express your opinion-- I'm telling you-- give me rational criticism about what specifically to have Twilight do or say that she hasn't done or said and I'll think about it.
If you're not going to give me that kind of rational criticism, and you're just going to insult me, then honestly I'd like to ask why you're doing this in the first place. This argument does none of us any good. I'll give you the last word on this, but I really don't think I should respond to you further.
908445 Well, at least you admit it that it's stupid, even though it really doesn't fix anything. I mean, at the very least you know it's stupid.
You seemed to forget that Twilight, when it comes to new combers (like Zecora and Luna), she's actually the opposite. She becomes understanding and shows considerable empathy and patience that stand in stark contrast to the many examples of her overreacting to a situation and often to other people around her.
>It's racist because ponies have had sex with some humans to relive their perceived depression.
When did I say that was racist? (if I did, I apologies) I said that was stupid, which you yourself admit it is.
>and you're just going to insult me
When did I ever actually call you stupid? When did I ever actually insult you? I don't know you, I just don't like some of your stories. It's not like anyone else here is giving you criticism anyway (to be fair, I was simply telling you why I didn't like your story, didn't know you would take it so personal), they're just telling you how good it is without really giving a real reason.
There was once a story about a raping plant, and the author had the tags as comedy and adventure, and that's it. The author didn't see that a plant that forces it's victims into having sex so it could drink it's cum juices, and it uses an aphrodisiac to do it, and the author doesn't see this as rape. Not at all. To everyone else, yeah, it was, but not to the author, who claims that the plant wasn't raping any pony, it was just forcing them to have sex against their will, which is the definition of rape.
My point is, is that I see the same problem here. You don't think this has dark undertones, but others and I do, and there's plenty of evidence for and against it. Sure, there are actual stories about ponies and humans coming together nicely, but it's too bad you made Twilight and some of her friends into cock socks without so much as a second thought for the most of contrive and stupid reasons, but at least you know it's stupid. Not very funny at all, but stupid nonetheless.
I do respect the fact that you brought up a lot decent arguments to support yourself, and you behave in a nice and calm manner. I like that. If you want, I could add you to my watch list, some of your other stories I kinda like, but this human thing (at least with Twilight) just seems not very funny or very sane.
And then they were shipped to the Rainbow Factory, and they lived happily ever after...
Except Jack, who became a trany dancer in Manehatten to support his "blue chain" addiction
908496
I'm going to say this as respectfully and politely as I can. Please don't message me. Please don't watch me. Please don't read my stories and/or comment on them.
I can accept the fact that you just don't like me as a person. That's fine and that's your right. I just don't want this.
At twilight going "A-ha!" I expected one of them to say something like "you too! I Love that band!" * takes out electric key board and sings "Take on me"*