Diamond Tiara's parents passed away five years ago. Now, she's a fully grown mare who mourns every day. While spending her days mourning like always, an unexpected, rude guest named Garble, barges in and demands she pay her father's debt to him. He won't leave until he's satisfied, and she won't budge. He's a boy. She's a girl. You do the math.
This is a one-shot based on Anton Chekov's 1888 comedy The Boor. I've been dying to write something based off this piece, and these two characters seemed like the perfect fit for these roles. I don't personally ship them. I just thought this would be hilarious with them.
Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Anton Chekov's The Boor or My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. So yeah.
Chapters (1)
The Boor was written in 1888. 1915 is the date of the New York premiere.
7316928 Oh, I did not realize that. Thanks for pointing it out.
Filthy Rich’s manor was noticeably quiet ever since Filthy Rich and Spoiled Rich passed away, leaving their daughter to a vast fortune.
- Leaving their daughter a fortune. And vast is redundant since a fortune is kinda vast.
These days, all Diamond Tiara did was sit in her chambers with a black veil, and a picture of her parents.
- The commas are unnecessary here as its just one thought. The way these commas are used would have the before and after bits of the commas to be a complete thought but that doesn't work here.
Still veiled, Diamond came to meet her friend in the vast living room with the same answer.
- I don't think you still need the 'still veiled' part. You already stated in the first sentence she was in her veil 'these days' so its a bit redundant.
“No,” the pink mare resolutely stated as she sat on the couch, “my parents are gone. My life is over.”
- Alright first off the 'No' would be treated as an answer. So it would be by itself so the 'my' should be capitalized as its a new sentence. I'd also suggest you change the comma after couch to a period rather than a comma. That is acceptable and looks far cleaner.
“Oh for pity’s sake!” Silver Stone groaned as she paced, “It’s terrible to hear you go on like this! They died, yes. But you have to move on now. Keep grieving like this and you’ll be an old widow with no one but cats for company! Get out and live while you still can!”
- Again change the comma second comma to a period. Second you used the exclamation point three times in rapid succession. This is a TERRIBLE thing to do. Exclamation points should be used sparingly. Since you used them so much they lose the impact they should carry.
“Oh, that reminds me,” she rang a bell to summon a servant, “mother’s cat, Sapphire, should have another supply of food. Oh, how she loved that cat.”
-Again period instead of the second comma. Capitalize mother's. And I'd suggest you get rid of one of the Ohs it sounds silly to have Ohs so close to one another.
The servant left and Diamond Tiara turned to Silver Stone, “Please, don’t tell me to do those things again. You of all ponies know without my parents, life is nothing to me. It’s no secret they were unfair, negligent, and mean to me – they forgot me, but I will never forget them. I’ll be loyal to their memory until I die and show them how I can love them.”
-Alright again you seem to have used commas wrong here. A comma should be after You because of all ponies is extra information so it should be in between two commas. Second the comma you did use there shouldn't be there because again its all one thought. The dash feels completely unnecessary. Especially since just making the they part as its own sentence just flows better. Lastly how 'I can love them'? I assume this is character stuff but if it isn't then it should be "how I loved them" rather than how I can love them. Even if its more like a spiteful kinda love thing than it should be "how much I can love them" or "how deeply I can love them". Personally I'm fonder of the latter one.
A bell rang, announcing an unexpected visitor. Diamond Tiara turned to another servant, “Tell them I cannot receive them.”
-I think you can edit out the "announcing an unexpected visitor" bit. The sentence "Tell them I cannot receive them" already tells us somebody wishes to speak to her. And clearly Tiara wants to be left alone. So I find that bit redundant.
The stallion nodded and walked to the door, leaving the two mares behind. Diamond spoke, “They never loved me, but I’ll show them. My love won’t die until I die, and then they’ll see.”
-The leaving bit is unnecessary. Also the behind part sounds more like the stallion was a character but he isn't so even as is it feels awkward. The "won't die until i die' bit has the same issue with the Oh part earlier. It feels boring. You're repeating a word that you already used a bit before. A much better word instead of the second die would be 'do'. It gets the same message across and doesn't feel repetitious.
She turned to a desk with their photograph, “And you’ll be sorry. I’ve been a good daughter, loyal and true. I’ve locked myself away from the world and you – neither of you are ashamed of yourselves, my evil parents! You passed me off to servants, ignored me for weeks—“
-I admit I'm not familiar with when to use the hyphens but they don't feel natural here. Each thought feels like it leads into the other so they might as well be sentences. The hyphens are pointless.
The servant quickly fled, and returned with the guest: a dragon. He was five times Tiara’s size, red with orange scales, and a long toothy snout. Ever since local dragon Spike befriended the new dragon lord, Princess Ember, it wasn’t uncommon to see dragons around Equestria. Many had taken up trading with ponies or living amongst them and making a living with their unique skills. Other dragons, well, this one pushed the waiter away.
- You mean fled from Diamond Tiara? She didn't really sound all that intimidating to me. So if she was the cause that servant feels more easily spooked. The "other dragons' bit is confusing. There is no transition from the other dragons bit to this one . They feel like very different thoughts that you just mushed together. It doesn't feel cohesive. Lastly just use among instead of amongst.
“Idiot pony! You make too much noise!” His gruff voice echoed through the hall. When he saw Tiara, he stormed over to her.
-Alright again you use the exclamations back to back. And again it lessens the impact of the exclamation point. Second the second sentence sounds out of character for Garble. Considering Garble's actions if anything he'd criticize the ponies for NOT being loud. You also dont have a real transition of Garble emerging from the hall. The last bit should be part of the NEXT section rather than this one because it is more connected to that part of the story than this one.
“There you are,” he growled, “My name's Garble the dragon. I have something important to talk to you about. Ever since ponies and dragons came to work together, your deceased father’s been mining gemstones with the help of dragons, providing, and buying services from dragons. He left me two I O U’s that add up to one thousand gems.”
-Again you misused commas. After growled there should be a period. There shouldn't be a comma after together or after help of dragons. Since the latter is a complete thought you should have the providing and buying bit as a separate sentence or sentences. Lastly I don't think you need any spaces between the IOU. Second of all why not just make it ONE IOU. There really doesn't seem to be a real reason why there needs to be two.
“I brought him cat food,” Garble replied gruffly. "Everyday."
-You used the wrong everyday. It should be every day. Everyday is an adjective like everyday shoes or the like whereas every day is well every day in the week type of idea. Gotta admit I had to look it up that it was wrong.
Diamond sighed and turned to a servant, “Don’t forget to give Sapphire more food.”
-Period instead of comma.
The servant left and Diamond spoke to the dragon, “If my father owed you that many gemstones, I will see you are paid. But I cannot at the moment. I have to acquire those gemstones from my father’s company by notifying the manager when he returns to town. Unfortunately, today marks the fifth anniversary of my parents’ death and I am in no mood to discuss money.”
-Considering Tiara is STILL the one talking here there was really no reason to split up this bit from the previous bit. Again commas. Get rid of the one after gemstones. The one from unfortunately I'm not sure if that is allowed. I do find the word itself not necessary so I'd recommend you edit it out. But as is its fine.
Garble huffed, “And I’m in the mood to turn pink and fly with my ears into a mountain. If I don’t get my gems by tomorrow, they’ll take my property and everything I own.”
- The Garble huffed bit feels like it should be after the mountain bit. And again there shouldn't be a comma after tomorrow because it isn't a complete thought.
Garble stomped around the living room, terrifying Silver Spoon and the servants. Smoke poured from his nostrils.
- I'd recommend you incorporate this to his talk with Tiara just before this bit. That bit is dialogue heavy with not enough action. It could use more interaction of the characters with the setting.
Let me make something clear to you. I’ve been traveling for three days straight through backwater towns, forced to sleep in some cheap, dirty stables and fly through thunderstorms just to get here. Here I come, hoping you’ll give those gems your father owes me, and you give me this,” he thrust his hands in his direction and pinched his face, “attitude!”
- Period instead of comma after towns. The here I come bit sounds very out of character for Garble. It doesn't sound like Garble is talking at this point. Also thrust his hands in his direction...I don't understand what you meant right there.
“Me?” Diamond Tiara rose angrily, “What about you? You barge in here unannounced, threaten my staff, and behave like some,” she raised a hoof at his general appearance, “uncivilized brute! Well sir, I tell you that I’ll have no more of it. Good day!”
-You shouldn't really tell how a character did something emotionally. You need to be able to convey it rather than just say it.
She turned, smacking him with her tail and sauntered off into a hallway. Silver Spoon and the servants quickly followed. Garble shouted in anger.
-Alright now I have to ask why is Silver Spoon still here? She has had no really had any relevance since the first scene. She has no reason to still be here.
“That little – ! Fifth anniversary of her parents’ deaths! What am I supposed to do? Should I fly into space to escape my debt? Should I ram my face onto a rock until it magically disappears? None of my friends will help me. Everyone who owes me gems won’t pay up! And all because I’ve been too soft. Well, I’ll show her. I’ll just sit here until I get what I came for!”
He planted himself on the couch, which groaned under his weight, “Grr, I’m so angry. I can hardly think.”
He snapped a finger, “Servant!”
-There is no reason for these sections to be split up. it'd be much better if they were combined/
A timid, blue stallion who normally waited on Diamond Tiara appeared, “Y-Yes?”
-His color doesn't matter. So you shouldn't point it out.
“Get me something to drink!”
-I won't complain about the exclamation point. Instead I will say there should be action here. Clearly he is demanding and I can't imagine Garble just using his voice.
The stallion shuffled away, leaving Garble to brood.
-Ya you probably could showed him brooding in the previous section.
“Ponies are all the same!”
-This should build upon the brooding that should have been done before. So we get an idea it is growing.
The servant returned with a glass of water, which Garble snatched and gulped down before throwing the empty glass at a wall, shattering it to pieces. The servant ran away in fear. The red dragon continued throwing his tantrum.
-Misuse of comma. Edit out commas and the word which. Make the Garble bit its own sentence. And again show us that the servant is afraid don't tell us.
At last, Diamond Tiara returned from the hallway, looking unhappy, “Sir, in my seclusion I have become unaccustomed to voices, particularly loud ones. Please, stop disturbing my rest.”
-At last doesn't make sense. Let me explain you are aware of the Points of view I assume. Well in some stories you write it with the tint of a specific character. This story has come off as pretty neutral but at last sounds like we are seeing the story from Garble's point of view. This is inconsistent with the story up until this point. Also again don't say how she looks emotionally. Show us.
Silver Spoon and several servants peered out from the hallway corridors as Garble replied, “And guess what? I told you, in your language, that I need those gems, not ‘the day after tomorrow,’ but today!”
-Edit out ",not the day after tomorrow, but". It really doesn't add anything to the conversation and comes off more as filler.
“Then I’ll just sit down on this couch until I get those gems,” Garble sank back into the chair and planted his feet on a table. “You’ll pay me the day after tomorrow? Fine! I’ll stay here until then. Do you think I’m joking?”
-This section would be better if you edited out the first talking bit. Then after Garble's "Fine" you should put Garble going back in his chair. I'd also add he should give Tiara a daring look kinda deal. It makes the joking line carry more weight.
Diamond Tiara gave him a disgusted look, “You have no idea how to treat a lady!”
-Show us she is disgusted.
“Well, guess what, sweetheart,” Garble rose and approached the mare. “I’m not a stallion. Should I treat you like one? How would like me to talk?”
Garble mockingly folded his hands and pressed them besides his head, “Oh, dear Madame. Sorry for having bothered you. What lovely weather we have today! And how this mourning suits you!”
He bowed low with insulting ceremony. Diamond Tiara fumed at the pig and screeched.
- All three of these sections can be one section.
The dragon folded his arms and stared her directly in the eyes, “I’ve met more ladies both dragon and pony in my life time than you will meet birds. I fought other dragons over a female five times, seven dragonesses I left, and five left me.
-I broke up this section because for whatever reason you decided to make Garble rant so long. I'd suggest you condense it. That would be the more ideal fix. As is the dragonesses bit is NOT the same thing as him fighting other dragons for females. Those are different things and should be in separate sentences. And the bit doesn't even seem relevant to the line of dialogue so its pointless to be here.
There was a time I acted like an idiot over a girl, drove myself crazy, and gave up half my gems in the name of love, but now I’ve had enough of it! Soft, sweet voices, batting those eyelashes – for that, pony, I wouldn’t pay a single gem! I’m not talking about you, but all females in general, dragons and ponies. Especially ponies! From the lowest to the highest, they are all smug, self-righteous, lying, vain, ugly, mean, and stupid.
-Misuse of comma. Drove myself crazy is redundant as he already said he acted like an idiot. There should not be a comma after highest. The talking about females in general bit doesn't seem like its relevant at all to what Tiara says next. It is pointless.
When one looks at a pony, they think they see the brightest, most wonderful creature to ever walk the earth, but look closer and they find nothing but ugly rat. But the worst part? Oh, the worst part is this rat thinks she’s above everything! That she’s the masterpiece of all creation, and every one should be honored merely by being in her presence.
-Should be AN ugly rat. Also misuse of comma after pony. Also brightest doesn't exactly seem like it adds anything to wonderful so you should edit that out. And this section doesn't add anything so it can be scrapped.
Just the thought makes me sick! May I lose my wings if there’s ever anything to love about mares! You were unlucky enough to be a pony, so you tell me, have you ever seen a mare faithful to their word or loyal to the end to anyone but their own self-interest? No! It’s easier to find a purple hippopotamus with bird wings and horns than a faithful, loyal mare.”
-Misuse of comma after pony since there is no reason for Garble to pause at that point. Have should be its own sentence. Garble wouldn't use the term self-interest. It is far too cultured for Garble to use it. A more fitting term would be to edit out their own self-interest out and put in themselves. The ending bit seems to be the ONLY relevant bit of the entire rant so the other parts are meaningless. And what's worse is its pure dialogue which can get boring. You needed to at least add a little action in there to break it up.
She laughed, voice dripping with sarcasm, “Oh, yes! The stallion is faithful in all love! You can always count on the male to be loyal to the end! Well, let me tell you something mister! I knew my father for over twenty years! I loved him like any good child, did whatever he wanted, and acted like his perfect little filly. And how did he treat me? By handing me off to servants, forgetting I existed, skipping my birthday parties, and leaving me behind to on vacations to Manehattan with my mother every other weekend. I gave them everything I could, did everything to please them, and they just threw me to the side like some unwanted puppy. But even then, I stayed loyal to them and fulfilled their every wish. I’ve dug myself into this mansion and shall keep mourning until I die.”
-Should have a bit more action in here. Overuse of exclamation points. I assume you meant to put "go on vacations". Emphasis on go. The but even then could be easily replaced with even so to feel briefer as well as sounds less confusing upon first glance.
Garble raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, he let out a disrespectful guffaw.
-Don't use suddenly. Its never a good word to use in stories. It means nothing. We know it happens now because you said it happened. Suddenly just says it happens now. It adds nothing.
“Mourning! Please, I see exactly what’s going on. I know very well why you hide yourself away from the world. The secret! The romance! Some knight will pass your castle and state, ‘There lives the mysterious mare who, in loving memory of her parents, locked herself away from the world.’ Oh, I get your stupid fantasy!”
-Again this doesn't sound very much like Garble speaking.
Diamond Tiara’s mouth gaped, before she glared at the dragon, “Why you – ! How dare you speak to me like this?”
-The before is redundant. We can see what happened before. She glared should be its own bit. So no comma. The hyphen does nothing. The how bit should not be a question since how it is used here. In the way it is written it is a statement not a question.
Finally, Diamond Tiara snapped. This beast was mocking her self-imposed suffering and her entire life and he had the guts to demand gems?
-And now its Diamond Tiara's P.O.V. which is inconsistent with the rest of the story being very neutral. You have to rewrite this bit to better fit.
“I’m not your butler or special some pony, so kindly stop making a scene,” he sat back down on the couch, never breaking from her stare. “It’s annoying.”
-Garble wouldn't act this way. Or rather he would act this way but he wouldn't say it like this.
“Fine,” Diamond Tiara picked up a bell from the table and rang. A servant unwillingly appeared, “Show the gentle-drake out.”
-Show us how unwillingly they appeared.
“Where are my servants? Isn’t there any pony capable of doing what I order?”
Around the hallway corridor, several heads hid from Diamond Tiara’s view, only peeping out when her gaze was absent. The mare threw the bell against the wall, shattering it.
-Alright now you went to the servants point of view only to go back to Tiara. It would make more sense that Tiara could just see them. It would also better justify her anger. As for the shattering bit where it is put it sounds like the wall is shattering because of a bell. It would feel less awkward if you made the throw one sentence and the shattering another one.
Garble stepped quickly towards her, “And what exactly gives you the right to insult me?”
The pony snorted at him, nervous but adamant, “So? You don’t scare me?”
-You don't scare me is a statement not a question.
“Oh no! Have mercy!” Silver Spoon moaned.
-Why is she still here? She has done nothing since the first scene.
“Nobody insults me,” Garble said, “especially ponies!”
-The ponies bit should be more specific to show how personally Tiara annoys him. How he won't allow THIS pony to insult him more than any other one.
She left and Garble snarled, “I’ll cut her down! I’m no weakling, no namby-pamby pony!”
-You can edit out the weakling part. Since the connotation of namby-pamby pony would be that they are weak.
Diamond Tiara returned with a duffle bag containing two rapiers, she handed one to Garble then lifted hers with magic. She turned to him, “Before we fight, could you show me how to use this? I’ve never held a sword before.”
-The comma after rapiers should be a period.
“There are different types of dueling swords,” he explained, “these are rapiers, meant for jabs and parrying.”
-Why would Garble know anything about swords?
He looked at the mare as she practiced his every move with fiery anger and passion, ready to eviscerate him. Through it all, there was only one thought on his mind. She’s so hot.
-I think you meant to put mimicked instead of practiced.
She swung furiously with her sword, “So help me, I'll kill you if you don't leave now!”
-The so help me can be edited out.
Garble grasped his head, “I can’t think! Servant—water! I fell in love with a mare like any young stallion.”
-Garble should really be dodging right now. Since she is trying to hit him with her sword.
“No, go on, go on. I hate you.” She told herself before she had second thoughts, “No, don’t go. Argh! If you could only know how angry you make me!”
She threw her rapier against the white wall. It fell loudly to the floor.
-This bit can be added to the previous bit.
Garble approached her, “If you could only know how angry I am at myself! Falling in love, throwing myself on my knees. How do you do it?
“I love you. Perfect,” the dragon grumbled, “Just what I needed. Tomorrow I have to pay my debts, the gem mining has begun, and then you!”
Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her up to his face, one hand firmly behind her head.
“I’ll never forgive myself,” he sighed.
-These sections can be all added into one.
Just then, their lips touched. Both closed their eyes and held the other tightly in heated passion. The door burst open and several ponies flooded into the mansion including Silver Spoon, Twilight, Spike the dragon, Rainbow Dash, the royal guard, and the Wonder Bolts. All of them got a front row seat to a furious make-out session. Repulsed, Twilight closed her eyes. Spike blinked at the two, completely baffled, before Twilight covered his eyes. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash started giggling and then howling with laughter. Silver Spoon’s eyes went wide as dinner plates as she stared at her friend, putting her tongue into Garble’s mouth.
-Twilight should have just covered Spikes eyes. Its ridiculous she'd close her eyes only to open them again to cover Spike's,
Gradually, the mansion emptied. Silver Spoon was still in shock, so Spike had to lead her away.
-Instead of the mansion emptying you can probably say the group left. As is it sounds rather impersonal. Get rid of the comma after shock.
Under his breath, he mumbled, “I knew they were gonna go for it, but I didn’t think it'd be that gross.”
-I assume this is Spike, He doesn't really make a lot of sense. If anyone should say this line it should be Silver Spoon since she was there from the start. And her being there would be more justified. Having Spike say it just feels random.
He shuddered and quickly walked out the door, so only Garble and Diamond Tiara were left. They soon resumed their activity with new vigor.
-The Garble and Tiara bit should be its own sentence. And of course you'd reword it to have them look at one another for a moment of calm before their get back to uh being vigor? It adds more to the comedic timing.
All in all I find this story has a few issues. There is the overuse of commas and exclamation points but I can forgive that. However I feel the characterization of Garble and Tiara is not strong enough to justify this story. Neither feel like the character they should be. They both share similarities to their counterparts but from what I see you added nothing new to the story with these characters. It just comes off as lazy to be to be blunt. I'm sorry if that comes off as harsh. Anyway that's my view.
This was cute.
7327202 Thank you.
7317946 Wow, thanks for all your feedback. If I ever have the time, I'll work with the edits you suggested.
Diamond tiara is a earth pony. Unless she had a unknow magical device she would have to hold the sword with her hoof.
8435344 I didn't think about that. For some reason, I thought she was a unicorn. I've watched the show, I should know better. Well, mistakes happen. Sorry.
Magic Diamond Tiara is not a unicorn she's an earth pony