A gibbering mound of horseflesh who has learned to hate.
Many years have passed since Discord's first defeat at the hooves of the Alicorns. Equestria has enjoyed a time of peace and prosperity under the rule of Celestia and Luna. However, all good things must come to an end.
Equestria is now faced with a new threat from the north. With Celestia unable to fight, the fate of the world rests solely upon her sister, Luna. Perhaps, with the help of a trio of unlikely heroes, Luna can defeat this new foe, and save Equestria in the process.
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Very good!
Hmm I like to know who these heroes before
Very good so far, hurry up and post more so my brain is appeased
Yayyyy updates
Maybe one or two minor grammatical errors here and there, but besides that, you are a fantastic writer with a ton of potential. The level of detail and the realism of the emotion here are wonderful.
Pretty good overall. There's just a couple of things I noticed.
Grammatical errors. Nothing major, just a missing apostrophe or two.
Sand Shrine is sick of living in the desert and hates sand. Then why is he planning to fill Equestria with... sand? Wouldn't it be better to leave some portions of the kingdom not a desert if he conquered it, so that he could finally escape from the sand? I know I would.
Luna only uses her royal voice with citizens of Equestria. So if she's talking normally to Celestia, why all of the this and thou stuff? Celestia doesn't use it, so it can't be the normal language.
I do like the story, though. I'm going to read the rest when I've got some time.
Okay, taking a look at this story as you'd asked in Dark. I'll go chapter by chapter. Will let me get into some finer details, as it sounds like you're hungry for feedback.
First, a useless note:
Ouch. Well. No good place has a name like that.
Let's start with the Bad, to get it out of the way (And because it's easy to criticize anything):
I'm a bit (a lot) leery about the sequence of events that led Celestia to ol' Castration Gulch there. Normally I give the benefit of the doubt, but it prodded at my psyche. They searched all of Equestria in a day? To enough detail that the uncrossable desert was the only possible solution, and not some basement in Canterlot, or behind some rock on the mountainside? C'mon now.
It actually bothered me more when she seemed to assume that the desert was the only place her student could be, when talking to Sand Shrine. That he had to have been the one that took her. To the point where I was hoping it would turn out that her student wasn't there. Just to vindicate my feelings about the absurdity of the claim.
I'm also not sure why Sand Shrine actually stayed in the desert, to the point of going batty, rather than just leaving to go be with ponies. Just because you own some craphole property doesn't mean you have to live in it. I get the feeling that Celestia might have, y'know, spared some shack somewhere for a demigod war hero, if he asked. Then again, maybe not, as it sounds like Celestia was a huge bitch in the past. In theory, I have no problem with that. People can change for the better. Hopefully Sand Shrine's mentality will be explained a bit more as we go.
Speaking of the past. I'm assuming this takes place sometime between stopping Discord the first time and Luna getting banished? You might want to edit in a line somewhere to make that explicit somewhere. I can't be entirely sure, as yet, that it isn't in the future, Post-Twilight (since this was posted up before we knew about Princess Twi). Especially since Luna is the only one talking in Late Middle/Early Modern English, as opposed to everyone.
Also... blarg. Chess reference. I know that it's a theme here, given the title of the work, so I'm just hoping it'll actually turn out to be relevant. These days I cringe a little inside, whenever I see chess linked to those fighting a war, or masterminding a plot. It's overdone to the degree of being more suited to parody, at this point.
The Good:
Your writing itself is excellent, form-wise. Honestly, you remind me a lot of myself, in style, if perhaps a bit more biased toward the events, rather than emotion and sensation (But I tend to dwell too much on those).
Clearly you keep a very good mental picture going, since you don't spare the description as things proceed, and the action sequences clearly fit together well. Your vocabulary is good. Obviously you took the time to proof this. It didn't have any errors that jumped out and bit me through my brain's subconscious auto-correct.
After pre-reading and looking over a lot of first fics for people, you'd be surprised how much terrible writing you have to slog through. It was downright refreshing to run into someone that clearly takes pride in the quality of his or her craft. Kudos. I was pleasantly surprised.
Onto the second chapter.
Okay, here we are for the second chapter. Tiny errors that I noticed, first:
desert's
Singlehoofedly. Yeah, this gets me too sometimes.The common turns of phrase involving 'hands' and 'feet' have earned me a fair few smacks upside the head from my editor.
If your fremen-ponies, and desert combat, are going to be a big thing, make sure to mind things like that. There's no wood. Dung fires probably wouldn't be huge. If the fire is magical, something conjured by a unicorn, make it a noticeably different colour or something. I'm not getting a feeling that these ponies have bustling trade for coal with the rest of Equestria.
Speaking of coal. Assuming this is at least a thousand years in the past... Equestria has trains. Already? And they still use steam-engine trains a thousand years in the future? Ones that aren't magically levitating and, like, shooting around at a thousand miles an hour? I know Equestria has schizo-tech, but my credulity is a bit strained by the total lack of advancement in such an important technology.
I know it sounds like I'm nitpicking, but these sorts of things are important to worldbuilding. If you're setting this in the distant past, you have to sell it as the distant past. If it wasn't for a line from the description I would be under the impression that this is, in fact, a few decades into the show's future, after the death of the Mane 6. That shouldn't be an issue a reader is having.
Also... why did that leader of the fremen-ponies pull a sword on, and insult, a godlike being that she knows has the temperament and ability to slaughter her and all of her people? Sand Shrine gives the impression of being a thug. That type wouldn't exactly have allowed people to keep an image of weakness, regarding him. You might want to elaborate a little more as to why it goes down like that, since it could be as simple as her not wanting to lose face. Even very 'tell'-heavy musing by Sand Shrine about it would be better than no mention at all.
Don't let my verbosity fool you. Most of these things aren't really enormous issues. I just think it pays large dividends to be thoughtful. It's a series of tiny lines that separates an 'okay' fic, from a 'good' fic, from a 'great' fic, once you have the technical side of things as solidly down as you do.
Nor do I want to discourage you. I'm already seeing that you have the skills to be a bad-flank writer.
Buuuuut... I'll try to save my commentary about more nebulous things to when I catch up to the end.
Oh, sweet Celestia, that poor bastard must have had a hard time in basic training. Given the precognitive nature of pony names, I'm guessing his special talent is strategic withdrawals. Given the way this chapter ended, I'm guessing that will be useful!
I continue to be impressed by your descriptions. I do adore those small details, like Celestia's cutie mark on the floor of the square, or the note about Inkwell being painfully young. Most especially, I like the moment of awe at encountering Luna. I think it's always time well spent to stress the way ponies see the princesses, no matter how that happens to be, for that particular story. Nice.
This chapter would be a good place to explain Luna's Middle Equestrian. Just having a character ponder how she's already anachronistic with it in this time, and that it has fallen out of use, is all that's really necessary. Obviously earlier is better, but when Celestia is falling unconscious is not the best time.
'...single him out for a duel.'?
Honestly, this has been my favorite chapter thusfar.
It was the first third or so that I dug. The train, and Sir Craven wandering around the town, trying to get a grasp on the militia. There isn't much of a sense of urgency, but I don't mind that at all. Skirmishing and battling is something done over hours, in reality.
I've yet to really buy in to Sand Shrine, as of this point. I get that he's maybe supposed to be some clever mastermind...? My much-beloved chess references would lead one to believe so. But he really just seems like an overpowered brute, prone to big, splashy displays of unsubtle violence and absurd, supervillainous objectives. Maybe that image will change as I go into the next chapter. But so far it's a classic show-vs-tell issue. You keep telling us how clever and awesome he is... but... meh. We haven't seen it. So it's hard to take it seriously. You might want to consider adding a short scene or a few strategic lines actually displaying his vaunted brilliance before this.
I'm pretty okay with Luna, including in the fight, which is better praise than it sounds! And I'm a real Luna fan, and quite particular about her.
On to four. (Once I get home from work!)
Okay! First off. The typo in the chapter title.
Jeopardy.
I have exactly one specific issue with this chapter, but I'll get to that after. First, what I liked!
I actually like Craven, for whatever reason! Maybe I have a weakness for loveable cowards. Hopefully he won't slip to the more despicable-coward angle, but that's hard to avoid in a non-comedic work. The militia ponies are pretty okay too, for what little we see of them. So, thusfar, I'm digging your mortal OCs. You neither dwell on them for more time than you need to, nor make them totally blank. Good background characters basically. Maybe I'm sensing a more substantial role for Craven? I'm cool with that.
The reason your unicorn was the leader of the desert ponies makes sense, after seeing her. Being able to make plants in a dry wasteland would be pretty popular magic, in said wasteland.
Now, for the one thing I'm less pleased about. Explained at length.
I think I'm even less sold about Sand Shrine than ever, for the downside. His grand strategy was pretty much: 'I have one really scary battlemage in my ranks. Oh, and I can totally kill an entire army whenever I want.' And the latter kind of makes the former unnecessary. That's... not really a strategy. It's not smart. It's not a devious, masterful stroke of planning. Again, he's just a powerful thug. He's a battlefield colossus that just crushes the competition underhoof. That's not a bad kind of villain to have, but it's not the kind of villain you've been trying to sell us. If you want to use the chess metaphor, all we've seen him do is reach across the board to punch the other player in the face. Or just now, to just sweep the opposing pieces off the board by 'hand'.
I'm going to guess you liked The Immortal Game, judging by the bladecasting. And that's fine. S'a good story to be inspired by. But the reason Order/Titan worked was his assertion that he already WON the Immortal Game, that he owned the board daughter-Celestia was playing on. He didn't have to play chess, because nobody could actually play against him. It wasn't that he was smart. Nobody tried to imply he was. He was just so singularly powerful that he won by default anyway. Alicorns grew linearly in power with age, and he was older than all the others combined. What made him intimidating was that the sheer implacability that he (and others) claimed was delivered, over and over. You could set him back, or fend him off for a while, but nothing could kill him, until the end.
You don't need to dress up your powerful villain in the guise of being a mastermind, when you really just want to make him badass. It's totally okay to make him just stupid-powerful, if you want. Just sell it as what it actually is, or it's just disappointing. He's one of the few remaining alicorns, of a whole race of demigods. He's just as old as Celestia, but meaner, and with more battle experience. And he's seething with generic rage. Totally valid, for a villain. You can be a lot more free with parceling out the powers, with the bad guys. They should have the advantage, after all, for an interesting adventure/war story.
Okay, not much to say with this chapter.
The good remains good. Still the proper amount of effective description. Still touching on a lot of good little details. Your prose remains far above the average, around here.
I don't even have anything mean to say about Sand Shrine. He pretty much plays the tyrannical megalomaniac to a 'T', which is exactly what he should be doing, from what we've seen.
I like Craven a bit less, I guess. But as I said last chapter, it's hard to keep from hating a coward, in a serious work. Nothing to be done.
Not sure how a he got as high in the ranks as he did, with that talent.
Ha! Made me double take and go to check his Craven's gender. I'm guessing he didn't get a magic sex change since his youth. A filly is a young female horse. A colt is a young male.
I'm guessing that's supposed to be "Old Order"?
Okay, last chapter. Much like the previous, it'd mostly be the same praise and commentary and such.
Not sure why Nightshade thought she could catch a train. On foot. I mean, she did, obviously, but why did that train ever stop? If time is of the essence, couldn't the three ponies just take shifts feeding the boiler? It's not as if keeping a steam train going along a track takes some huge amount of focus. I imagine that they'd screw it up, over time, by not knowing what they're doing, and thus not releasing steam pressure or something. But they'd probably screw it up worse by stopping and not knowing how to restart it.
Also, if poison was so effective against alicorns, when normal weapons weren't, wouldn't that be a pretty well known way to take them down? Given that they were a whole species before? I'm sure someone tried at some point in history.
Okay, now for the more general things, about the whole story.
You've got a solid foundation to work with, here. Better'n most manage, that's for sure! But I think you could reap huge rewards with a few relatively tiny additions and edits in a few areas. I think the points that need to be addressed are threefold:
1) The Setting: It doesnt feel like old Equestria. At all. It doesn't take much. A bit of inter-tribal disharmony. The legacies of the societies we see in the Hearth Warming Eve play being present. Some old-style words. Less... umm... trains. Here, glance at this. It's just the first fic that sprung to mind, since it's recent, and I like it. It feels like it's in old Equestria. That feeling is important.
2) Plot Convenience: Sometimes, it feels like things in this story don't happen for any natural reason, but just because the plot needed it to happen. There's not much excuse for this, admittedly. A little bit of thought, or a some hand-waving exposition can usually clear up the problem. Celestia 'knew' her student was in the desert, out of all the empty or hidden places in Equestria? Why? Obviously because she needed to meet Sand Shrine.The train stopped? Why? Because Nightshade needed to catch up to, and poison Luna. Sand Shrine went mad with rage, after Celestia exiled him to a wasteland. He could have left any time. Or demanded some lands of value. But he didn't, despite having a clearly direct personality. Why? He needed to be set up as the villain. Maybe those aren't the reasons in your head. But you don't give us others of satisfaction, so that's all we have to conclude.
3) The Villain: Alicorn OCs are always a problem. They're also a problem everyone recognizes. I'm glad you use one as a villain, rather than a protagonist, and I think they can be used as such without issue. However, just having one named in the description probably substantially shrank your readership. They're kind of stigmatized. I've already gone into why I'm not crazy about Sand Shrine in earlier chapters, so it doesn't need to be repeated. I think you would do better by focusing on what he actually does, have him be a vicious warrior, jilted by the royal pony sisters out of his due. Chessmasters are difficult to write properly, since almost by definition, they're much smarter than their writers. It takes a lot of arranging coincidences, and explaining complicated chains of events. Since you're a fan of Immortal Game (I assume, again), think of Celestia in the initial beatdown against her father. When she's all but getting killed, and she's working to set plans in motion, arranging the fight so it disrupts the simultaneous attack on Luna, and leaving clues that will lead to her enemies' downfall. Or hell, just the events of the first two episodes of FiM. You don't even have to explain it, really. Random stuff happens, culminating in victory. Character takes credit for the initial conditions and smiles enigmatically. Done. It's a sloppy, lazy way to do it, but it works.
You appear to be at the point in your writing career where you have the mechanics down. You can check off vocabulary, grammar and structure (And sweet heavens do I often wish I could say that to everyone). However, you still need some practice with your intangibles. None of the things I mentioned above have hard and fast rules. A lot of it is just how things feel, which is subjective, so take my comments with several grains of salt. Much of the rest is simply a product of you needing to ponder your own story a bit more.
You need to put yourself in your reader's place and ask more questions about your own story, basically
It sounds sort of airy and trite, I know, but it is actually important. Vitally so. It's how you'll catch plot holes, and spots where your exposition is lacking. Those sort of things wear at readers like me. Once I start to question the fundamentals of what a character is based on, it ruins a character's future actions for me. When I spot a bit of weirdness in the setting, all future ones get that much more glaring.
Think of readers having a limited reserve of suspension of disbelief. You need to keep them from 'spending' that as much a you can. Every time someone runs into an ignored question in the narrative, is dubious about a character's actions or thinks of something as 'too convenient', they run a little lower. You can't get rid of that 'spending' entirely, but if people still have a mostly 'full tank', they'll give you leeway, and will trust enough to let you defer explanations until later. If they run out, game over.
The fact that you're several chapters in makes such smoothing intimidating, I know, but as I said before, it wouldn't take much to smooth over a lot of those little speedbumps. Pick your battles. Getting rid of the trains is probably too much work. But a small mention or two about them being a relatively new invention, and Luna being pleased that the absurd expense of laying rail has been justified would help, a bit. A single sentence or two about a tracking spell would conveniently handwave Celestia basically choosing a random place on the map and going 'My student is totally here!'. A line in 'Tia's arguement with Sand Shrine about him being just too damned proud to speak up and ask for something else from her would soothe a lot of ills with his motivation. That sort of thing.