- Member Since 13th May, 2016
- offline last seen April 17th
TheOneWithoutAName
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TheOneWithoutAName
Joined 13th May, 2016 ·
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I liked it, though I have to ask. Do the zebras here not rhyme because it got annoying to try to make a gangbang into erotic poetry slam? That would be a funny thought.
And thus I did not read this.
7214958
That is indeed a funny thought, and you gave me now things to think about. Either I rewrite the parts into lewd rhyming or I really use that excuse. Thanks for pointing it out!
7215020
Huh. Thanks for pointing that one out. It completely slipped my watchful eyes. Guess that no matter how much I improve, mistakes like that can still happen from time to time!
And while this is going on, I can totally see the zebra stallions putting their mares up to be used by the pony stallions. Studs before sluts, eh? Maybe in a different club—Striped Flanks, with the sign consisting of a zebra rump and a crop.
7215170
I like your way of thinking! I was planning to involve the normal stallions, but completely neglected the thought of zebra mares!
Thanks for your suggestion! I will definitely think about it in my future planning for this story!
Huh, not many use zebras. Neat.
Reminds me of netorare hentai for some reason. Specifically "Otome Dori"
7215323
I know, right?! I pretty much thought about starting to write clopfics because I was annoyed with the lack of fics which include my interests.
7215601
Have seen that one. That was some rather nice stuff!
7215719 The only thing that was missing was that the Zebras being racists with 'zebra superiority' over 'inferior ponies'.
Really makes me wish there was a female that loves hentai. Well gg.
7215727
I guess you will be a bit disappointed then. I'm trying a new spin on the whole zebra topic. The ones here are softies in a way. Sure, they handle them a bit roughly, but they only do it because the mares like it that way.
However, I was thinking about bringing more conservative zebras into the mix later though. Those are then more like you described them. It is meant as some fight between the less traditional companion-like ones versus the ones who have a superior complex. So not all is lost!
Nice to see some actual scootalove for once.
Hmmm, love the bondage and domination! Here's hoping it gets spread around to many other mares, striped and non-striped!
Another question: Did the Zebras bring any of their own youngsters along to Equestria? Will Miss Cheerilee have a batch of new students soon, some of whom might even be interested to get to know their classmates very closely?
7215886
Glad to hear someone agreeing with me on that part! I mean, why not have degrading dominating acts combined with lots of love? This was what in my opinion was lacking in stories here.
7216044
Already thinking about who to get involved. But for the next chapters I will try to keep the focus on Scootaloo and Rainbow.
7216602
Nice idea! This might ensure some sexy times on the school grounds!
Holy fuck... how is this on the front page...
This reads worse than a poor hentai merged with a porno script.
I'm not saying I expected much from the front page as it is, but Jesus... a frequenter has standards, no matter how lax they may be... and over embellishing a story like this with absolutely ridiculous and redundant, and often times contradictory details is just... not what I ever thought I would see up there, I suppose.
I guess, to not come off as a complete douche, I should mention a way to fix said items... I would strongly recommend getting an editor (something I recommend for all authors, no matter what they happent to write) to run through the chapters with you. Also, a prereader can clear up the multitude of easily corrected mistakes currently within the posted chapters.
In the end, interesting smut basis, if executed in a mediocre fashion.
Rainbow Dash / Scootaloo-focused gangbangs sounds like a good idea.
Looking forward for what comes next.
Fun story, but you do really need to get an editor for this.
7217253
So you mean it was featured or under the popular story folder on the front page, if I interpret you right? If yes then it wasn't all that long up there since I haven't noticed it. Never would have expected something like that to happen though. I know this story is not in the upper half from the quality. I'm just some newbie who is trying his meager writing skills on clop after all.
I want to thank your for at least giving me advice on how to fix my mistakes. For a moment I thought all I would receive was a rant because of the lacking quality of my work. That's why I'm glad that you followed this up with some helpful advice. It helps me improve my work and make it more enjoyable for the readers.
I will follow your advise and try to find an Editor next week. This will aid me and bring this story hopefully on a higher level, quality-wise!
7217985 Here's a few tips until you get an editor;
To, Two, and Too.
If you're able to replace the word with "also" or "excessively/too much," use too. If the word is a number, use two. Otherwise, you'll want to use to.
Their, There and They're.
There is the opposite of Here. It means 'in that place' not here. Their is a possessive adjective which is used before a noun. It shows possession, that something belongs to them. They're is a contraction of they are.
Homonyms
Homonyms are words that are said the same but have different meanings. For example;
This is wrong, because vein is a part of the body. It should be;
Because vain could be either; having a high opinion of one's self or producing no result.
Keep these in mind, as these were the main errors I spotted.
7218054
Wow. Never thought I would mix these words up. I mean, I can tell the difference. The words I normally really mistake are then/when, but I was keeping an eye out for these too. Seems like I should have focused on other words too! My bad!
Guess I will have to keep an closer eye on such obvious mistakes now while writing. Thanks for pointing it out too me. Somethimes I'm just completely oblivious and don't see a mistake, even if it is staring straight at my face!
7218071 I only saw each one like once, but I'm glad to have helped anyways
7217985
Feature box. That was what I was trying to say (it was 3am for me at the time). Your story has been in the feature box for at least 8 hours now.
The best advice I can give until you get an editor is read the story out loud to yourself. Slowly. Not monotone robot slow, but in a paced cadence that enunciates the words properly. You can catch a lot of mistakes that were made that way, simply because sentences like the one pointed out by MrDevastation101 sound wrong.
7218131
I blame my internet connection. I mean, shouldn't there be some flamelike sign by the like button if it is featured? It is not really showing here. I only saw it now that I have checked the front page of fimfiction. Still hard to believe that this story made it to the front page though, I mean I'm only a newbie at this and the work can't really compare to the high quality ones of others! Well, not yet at least. Muahaha!
Well, not that I'm complaining. It is free publicity! 
Thanks for the advice.
That one sentence was pretty embarrassing, I have to admit. I needed to read it over repeatedly to find it. Probably would have done wonders to read that one out loud. Guess sometimes even obvious mistakes escape my grip, so I'm glad for the advice!
this was interesting for a morning readAwesome!
7218163
If you are using a windows OS hitting Ctrl+F will open a search window thingy that you can find specific words/sentences with. I think Apple computers has an equivalent that is the weird squiggly key+F.
7219578
That's really neat! Thanks!
That paragraph was far too much tell for a story that was mostly show. Having the zebras carefully and gently clean them off already showed everything you rambled about in the rest of the paragraph. Most of this paragraph feels like the author trying to defend/justify himself on social media instead of telling a story.
What I wanna know is what happens after? Because Rainbow is covered, how does she clean up?
'Twas good, but I still saw the mistakes an editor could fix. Good thing you have one! Looking forward to next chapter
7219916
Damn, and I love that paragraph so much!
Though I question if tell is so bad if show is mostly represented in it. Maybe it can be some kind of balance? Not to mention that chapter 3 has a tell segment that is larger. If you could elaborate it a bit more, I would be thankful.
7220713
Good thing you remind me. I had two ideas how she could clean up. If you would like you could give me feedback on them.
1. The alleyway is just near the Ponyville lake
2. An old wooden bucket (you know such one that was used to wash clothes in earlier times, I would be grateful if you know if it has a name) or a water barrel that is standing ready in specific locations so that they can have their public fun without repercussions for their slaves/pets, since they are a rather caring lot.
Lawl! I just had the strangest thought.
With Adisa and Scootaloo becoming a bit of an item, and the possibility of their club expanding, they should have the leaders form a council to see who would be a good fit for whom. Like a BDSM Shipping Chart! They can ask Miss Cheerilee what her students' personalities are like and how best to please them, while Rainbow (or Pinkie!) knows enough about all the adult ponies!
7221095
Yes, to the first. I have something like that planned. But I don't understand much of the rest.
What council? Can you elaborate the shipping chart? I doubt Miss Cheerilee would give away such information, even if she joined the circle. Her students are important to her after all and there had to be some kind of 'mind break' that she would give up such vital information.
The recruiting bit with Pinkie and Rainbow seems interesting. I might even have a setting where this might be of use. But that is still far far away.
7221278
"Council" probably sounds more official than I meant it. Most clubs have people organising things; in this case, zebras/ponies in charge of buying new equipment, setting up dates, maybe recruiting new members. Stuff like that.
So I thought it might be funny if there's a group looking out for possible shipping opportunities. Have the stallions/mares (if they're allowed to) sit together to discuss pairings they like. With a big shipping chart between them showing who they think fits with whom. Maybe there's a zebra colt who loves white coats and a sweet voice, so why not introduce him to Sweetie Belle? Maybe there's a zebra filly who likes 'em tall and/or chubby, so Snips and Snails are a good fit.
"Asdazi likes himself some flexible fare. Do you know of such a mare?" "Flexible, huh? Well, there's Blossomforth. She's really bendy!"
And you're right, Cheerilee is probably not the right address. Good thing they already have Scootaloo then..!
7221015 The water barrel sounds more like something Abby (pfft, Abby) would do.
7221815
Interesting idea. This could bring a bit of organisation in their activities. Berry Punch could probably help out too, since her bar was once a normal one and she probably gathered a lot of information in her time.
7222833
Thought so too.
Really love that nickname I gave him. It was bringing a bit of humor in this fic!
At this point she's in a 69 position right? If so a 69 position leaves her tongue on the upper side of the dick not the lower.
Cock and spot don't rhyme, nothing in this sentence rhymes with spot.
7226989
Thanks for pointing that out! I will correct that in the edited version!
I bet Scoots was just disappointed that she couldn't lick the white mess off of Rainbow and make out with her.
Nice chapter by the way. Maybe not enough Rainbow Dash-action but the night's young, right?
Edit:
That poor filly will definitely have trouble walking afterwards ...
7237741
Truth be told, the chapters pertaining this night are more Scootaloo chapters. This doesn't mean Rainbow won't see any action in the future.
Currently its saturday in this story. After sunday follows monday and there are going to be nightly activities Scootaloo can't partake. Sure it is quite some chapters away, but it is going to be interesting since it is going to be Gloryhole Monday at the Spreading Mare!
Other than that I had planned to maybe write the sunday out for her too, since I was planning to let her undergo some training from Abby. This will probably entail stealth sex, sex toys, exhibitionism.
Edit:
That's the plan. Muahahahaha! I'm evil!
7237750 Sounds interesting, just do whatever you have in your mind. Your focus on the new member of the club does make sense and is cool but there's certainly a way for Rainbow to join her biggest fan in some lewd activities.
7237765
Let's say that Rainbow wants to join the same activities Scootaloo does, but Abby declines her wishes to give Scootaloo the full experience. He is not a fan of her cocky mouth though and decides to give it another more fitting task!
7237775 Sound interesting. That's enough spoilers for me.
That's actually kind of nice. I would have thought that she's only there to suck and lick.
Nice use of those tools, the chair and the sling? But I think that there's definitely also a way to screw her senseless without these devices, even in both holes. But that's maybe something for a place which doesn't provide ponies with this stuff. Back alleys and such.
I think Cum ingestion is just a Sub-set of having a Cum fetish. Another sub set would be Bukake or cum bathing. Could be wrong though, Google has failed me and the NSA have more weird searches in my file now.
Shouldn't it be "Master"?
How about a compromise: Master Abby?
7240948
So you mean, simple deviceless screwing outside? Just making sure I get it right. If I do, then yes, this will occur. It is hard for them to always carry such equipment around after all. It might look a teensy bit supsicious if someone walks around while carrying a spreader bar!