Phill9876
Joined 12th Dec, 2015 ·
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It looks like it's good for now, but you might want to express actions a little better and make sure that the reader knows who's talking.
It's pretty good so far but it needs a little work.
Thank you ...ill work on it tomorrow
question: How would I tell if someone favorites my story? Would I just get a notification?
If you read (in both the past and present) my story do me a favor and look at my page! Tell me what you think of it!
Failed
For the sake of readability, please be sure to begin a new paragraph whenever a new character starts speaking, such that no two characters are speaking within the same paragraph.
You also seem to be missing some punctuation throughout the story, mostly around dialogue it seems.
7204220 Yes.
7195643
Why are you commenting on your own story?
7218369 because I can....lol
I at least plan on strictly talking about this story here...i dont have anyother ones yet but you know what I mean
7218367 hey are you an editor by any chance?
7218381 Maybe...I normally don't do that stuff, but you can check out Grammarly?
7218376 OK then.
7218401 where is the grammar the worst?
7221193
Missing caps. near the start, for names.
One speaker one line. ect.
7221295 I made some fixes and changes...
7258143
Good!
Just re-read and its looking pretty good!
7258150 submission good?
7258157
Yes, Indeed my friend.
7258162 Just know this...I am holding you to this statement....If your wrong...I will kill you....then have some CUPCAKES!!!
7258386
WHAT!?
WHAT THE F*CK!?
7258388 lollololol!!!! I wanted to see your reaction!!!! Lol im sorry
7258408
Normal Cupcakes!?
Add DAT salsa sauce boi!
7258410 what.....salsa sauce?.....
7258441
And a spoonful of sugar! (I'm sorry...)
(No I'm not...)
7258449 its accepted!!!!!!
This is a very interesting chapter to read keep up a good work update soon. Question will there be a twilight and Nick pairing just was wondering. Keep up a good work update more soon
7259134 will do...started chapter two but i was gonna wait till this story was accepted to finish it.
7259134 and yes....unless i change my mind later
7259107
Good for you man.
But, if you need any help, I'm here for you if you need tips.
I have helped you all I could.
7259948 yes I would like that man
7259134 as far as new chapters getting posted....just don't expect much of a regular schedule, if I have something Ill post it but if not then I won't
BUT if I haven't said anything in about 2 weeks, say something because something serious probably happened/is happening and I need a reminder
7260002
Gotcha.
7261378
Its a fast pasted one.
7261378 ok noted crom now on Ill slow the roll...its just that I couldnt write a few things out in episodes 1 and 2
7261378 next chapter is posted...check the new chapter...is the pace more to your liking?
7264314 I am trying to now, thanks for telling me. I was going a little to fast tough, One problem was that I couldn't describe a few scenes but I should be fine now
Holy Shito!
More, Im curious to see where this will go, but one tip like I said for things I dislike,
DON'T. RUSH. THE. STORY.
Or make it so he knows how to use powers instantly like the dagger part.
(P.S)
Use: They come to get us. For the heat season, It fits it.
7264977 ty man
What did you man by that last part though?
7265194
For the heat season the song I recommend, because of fast paste stuff, running and dodging,
Use then song called:
They come to get us. (By the death set)
7265228 I was thinking classic Benny hill.
Or axel frog af
7265239
Your call P.
7265246 Went classic THIS time
The princess responded by saying, "thank you for telling me all of this about yourself as well as your race. My name is Princess Celestia, the race of my kingdom and I are ponies. (She then explained all of the differences such as the fact that unicorns use magic). The kingdom you are currently in is called Equestria and is predominately ponies. And thank you once again.", She said with a slight blush.
So is this a hint that Celestia already has an attraction towards Nick from just looking at him or, is it the fact that Nick told her he can fight in hand to hand combat as well as with sharp objects?
I can think of no other reason as to why she would blush, anyway onward with the story.
I slowly and calmly walked up to her"Hello there. My name is Nick Fitzgerald" I said calmly and a little slower than I usually do to try to keep her from getting frightened and it worked but she did not say anything. "Are you OK? What is your name?" I asked speaking in the same way as before Then her lips moved but little if any sound came out. "Hey are you alright...I didn't quite hear you." I said. The cycle went a few more times with slight changes in wording each time until we (Twi. joined as well) gave up.
Something is missing here.
Dose Nightmare Moon have a crush on Nick already, dame that would be nice.
Reading on to find out.
(NO IT IS NOT AN INUENDO....asshole)
"Hello there Nick." She said. "I have had my eye on you, so you seem to like Celestia hmm?"
Oh Yeah!
7267990 damn you...don't go guessing the plot yet...yes
"Twilight Nick I came by for some fun!"
I assume that this was Celestia that said that.
Also, glad Luna won.