Phosys
Joined 12th Nov, 2016 ·
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I like the concept, very interesting. Hope it continues
Hmmm, 13 likes 13 dislikes.
I for one think that you good sir Phosys. Have done a good job of the story so far.
Love the story so far keep it up.
(Clicks the like button)
7766855 7801801 Thank both of you.
I love how he failed to kill himself with a gun, but stupidity became triumphant
All aboard the Fluttershy and Kyle ship. Setting Sail!
Great story. Love it... onward!
Pinkie came closer to killing him then himself
This premise is done to death, but just because it's been done so many times that if it manifested into reality, with each story with this premise being a grain of sand, it would be larger than the Sahara Desert, does not mean it can't be good.
However, your writing is, quite frankly, atrocious. You started it off with the main character dying as Twilight shouts his name, then flashback to where he commits suicide because of depression caused by something we don't know at the time, but swiftly learn as apposed to, say, keeping his depression for a while before he's ready to open up to people that are no longer complete strangers. Then he just wakes up in the middle of the woods, have nothing dramatic happen as he walks through, and have him conveniently both meet Twilight and Fluttershy in the season 1 opening and completely forget about his depression, because for some reason you completely loose depression after you commit suicide and wake up in the middle of the woods, where there could be dangerous things that want to eat your face. Then he falls unconscious, wakes up, instantly befriends two people of a different species when one of them is supposed to be a cynical prick that dislikes friendship at that point in time and the other is ridiculously shy. Again, they're complete strangers, different species, and he instantly befriends them and tell the one of his "deep, dark secrets" that he's never told anyone.
It makes no logical sense, doesn't have consistent characters, doesn't have show-accurate personalities, and to top it off, has horrendous grammatical and spelling mistakes. Also, dark, comedy, and romance go together about as well as blood, peanut butter, and flowers on a sandwich. I'll look on to see if it's even slightly better after this.
Ah, so I see that it doesn't improve at all. Generally, such a large time skip just after introducing the main character isn't much of a good idea. The typo's just got even worse in this chapter. Who the hell actually puts peanuts into cupcakes? They're hard, crunchy, and I highly doubt the taste goes that well with them. Also, my sibling is highly allergic to tree nuts. They once ate half a cookie that contained it, and it took a few minutes for them to feel bad. We didn't know there were nuts in that cookie, and by the time we checked and found that he had an allergic reaction, it had been a few hours, and he was still alive. He got sent to the hospital, and is still alive.
So tell me, how is it that such a small bite of that cupcake, one single bite, causes an immense allergic reaction that knocks him out practically instantly? I'm fairly certain that doesn't normally happen, and if it does, then if it removes consciousness that quickly, then you would probably be dead within 2 minutes of eating that one bite, and medicine would fail to do anything due to the immense speed and repercussions of eating a little bit.
At least this wasn't really rushed, but I must still say that time skips a week long like that is inane. If you don't know what inane means, it means stupid. Pinkie should know that Kyle dislikes parties, and should be way more empathetic than you've displayed here.
7903759
Wadaya mean? That's my favourite type of sandwich, don't knock it till you try it. How would you know what people feel after committing suicide? It's not like they can tell you about it... also, MAGIC
7903783
Peanut butter...
It lives
9161277
Yep, it just took a while.