Failed For the sake of readability, please be sure to begin a new paragraph whenever a new character starts speaking, such that no two characters are speaking within the same paragraph.
You also seem to be missing some punctuation throughout the story, mostly around dialogue it seems.
This is a very interesting chapter to read keep up a good work update soon. Question will there be a twilight and Nick pairing just was wondering. Keep up a good work update more soon
7259134 as far as new chapters getting posted....just don't expect much of a regular schedule, if I have something Ill post it but if not then I won't BUT if I haven't said anything in about 2 weeks, say something because something serious probably happened/is happening and I need a reminder
The princess responded by saying, "thank you for telling me all of this about yourself as well as your race. My name is Princess Celestia, the race of my kingdom and I are ponies. (She then explained all of the differences such as the fact that unicorns use magic). The kingdom you are currently in is called Equestria and is predominately ponies. And thank you once again.", She said with a slight blush.
So is this a hint that Celestia already has an attraction towards Nick from just looking at him or, is it the fact that Nick told her he can fight in hand to hand combat as well as with sharp objects? I can think of no other reason as to why she would blush, anyway onward with the story.
frankly i believe the pacing of the story is too fast frantic even. He appears out of nowhere submits without even a thought and gives away all of his personal info,what his species is, his skills and asks to get away from the rich ponies which from what i read he had no interaction with so far,infact how would he know there are nobles on his first day when he comes from earth where there are no nobles widespread nowadays. This is a obvious plot convenience to have him go to ponyville, and it seems there is no thought put into his reactions and decisions. He adapts to being transported to a new world too easily and quickly, not even a day and already he is moving on.The human is like a spineless book give it a touch and it falls open spilling everything even what was not asked for. I bet if i were to read the next chapter he would already be dating a pony or have multiple love interests and meet the mane six or one of the other more well known ponies. This is not the worst or garbage tier infact for a first story it is not bad, however you need to think how would i feel if someone asked you to give them all my tech, or all my personal info,and how a normal person would respond to being transported out of nowhere from your home,family and friends to a backwater sword and spear and gold armour world. you would not give them anything but the basics your name and if they asked race, you would not give up your phone or tech, and you would be distraught and confused and not willing to talk. a story is just that a story space it out add human reactions think how would someone react to being bossed around
I recommend a few changes. It's not the worst first attempt I've ever seen by a long shot but I'm checking off quite a few cliche boxes as I go. It is fixable but it would take some work and time. Just keep practicing.
Its rushed and i can tell you how its rushed too first off the chapter barely started and hes already talking to celestia and why is she calling him her guest? A strange creature suddenly appears in your castle is he your guest or is he suspicious? Also shes trusting this strange creature that shes known only for a few seconds to go with her student to ponyville first if youre room appeared in a castle full of aliens and their ruler tried to make you a bodyguard for their student would you go? also bro your room is still in the castle would you trust them enough to not go in your room and snoop through your things? He also seemed waaaaaay too calm im pretty sure that anyone who just woke up and stepped outside their room to find humanoid horses waiting for them with their spears and swords out would freak out sooooo fix it?
It looks like it's good for now, but you might want to express actions a little better and make sure that the reader knows who's talking.
It's pretty good so far but it needs a little work.
Thank you ...ill work on it tomorrow
question: How would I tell if someone favorites my story? Would I just get a notification?
If you read (in both the past and present) my story do me a favor and look at my page! Tell me what you think of it!
Failed
For the sake of readability, please be sure to begin a new paragraph whenever a new character starts speaking, such that no two characters are speaking within the same paragraph.
You also seem to be missing some punctuation throughout the story, mostly around dialogue it seems.
7204220 Yes.
7195643
Why are you commenting on your own story?
7218369 because I can....lol
I at least plan on strictly talking about this story here...i dont have anyother ones yet but you know what I mean
7218367 hey are you an editor by any chance?
7218381 Maybe...I normally don't do that stuff, but you can check out Grammarly?
7218376 OK then.
7218401 where is the grammar the worst?
7221193
Missing caps. near the start, for names.
One speaker one line. ect.
7221295 I made some fixes and changes...
7258143
Good!
Just re-read and its looking pretty good!
7258150 submission good?
7258157
Yes, Indeed my friend.
7258162 Just know this...I am holding you to this statement....If your wrong...I will kill you....then have some CUPCAKES!!!
7258386
WHAT!?
WHAT THE F*CK!?
7258388 lollololol!!!! I wanted to see your reaction!!!! Lol im sorry
7258408
Normal Cupcakes!?
Add DAT salsa sauce boi!
7258410 what.....salsa sauce?.....
7258441
And a spoonful of sugar! (I'm sorry...)
(No I'm not...)
7258449 its accepted!!!!!!
This is a very interesting chapter to read keep up a good work update soon. Question will there be a twilight and Nick pairing just was wondering. Keep up a good work update more soon
7259134 will do...started chapter two but i was gonna wait till this story was accepted to finish it.
7259134 and yes....unless i change my mind later
7259107
Good for you man.
But, if you need any help, I'm here for you if you need tips.
I have helped you all I could.
7259948 yes I would like that man
7259134 as far as new chapters getting posted....just don't expect much of a regular schedule, if I have something Ill post it but if not then I won't
BUT if I haven't said anything in about 2 weeks, say something because something serious probably happened/is happening and I need a reminder
The princess responded by saying, "thank you for telling me all of this about yourself as well as your race. My name is Princess Celestia, the race of my kingdom and I are ponies. (She then explained all of the differences such as the fact that unicorns use magic). The kingdom you are currently in is called Equestria and is predominately ponies. And thank you once again.", She said with a slight blush.
So is this a hint that Celestia already has an attraction towards Nick from just looking at him or, is it the fact that Nick told her he can fight in hand to hand combat as well as with sharp objects?
I can think of no other reason as to why she would blush, anyway onward with the story.
frankly i believe the pacing of the story is too fast frantic even. He appears out of nowhere submits without even a thought and gives away all of his personal info,what his species is, his skills and asks to get away from the rich ponies which from what i read he had no interaction with so far,infact how would he know there are nobles on his first day when he comes from earth where there are no nobles widespread nowadays. This is a obvious plot convenience to have him go to ponyville, and it seems there is no thought put into his reactions and decisions. He adapts to being transported to a new world too easily and quickly, not even a day and already he is moving on.The human is like a spineless book give it a touch and it falls open spilling everything even what was not asked for. I bet if i were to read the next chapter he would already be dating a pony or have multiple love interests and meet the mane six or one of the other more well known ponies. This is not the worst or garbage tier infact for a first story it is not bad, however you need to think how would i feel if someone asked you to give them all my tech, or all my personal info,and how a normal person would respond to being transported out of nowhere from your home,family and friends to a backwater sword and spear and gold armour world. you would not give them anything but the basics your name and if they asked race, you would not give up your phone or tech, and you would be distraught and confused and not willing to talk. a story is just that a story space it out add human reactions think how would someone react to being bossed around
"Charge!" the weapons cried, running towards me on their tiny legs.
This guy is way to calm and collected to be human... I'm just saying....
I recommend a few changes. It's not the worst first attempt I've ever seen by a long shot but I'm checking off quite a few cliche boxes as I go. It is fixable but it would take some work and time. Just keep practicing.
Its rushed and i can tell you how its rushed too first off the chapter barely started and hes already talking to celestia and why is she calling him her guest? A strange creature suddenly appears in your castle is he your guest or is he suspicious? Also shes trusting this strange creature that shes known only for a few seconds to go with her student to ponyville first if youre room appeared in a castle full of aliens and their ruler tried to make you a bodyguard for their student would you go? also bro your room is still in the castle would you trust them enough to not go in your room and snoop through your things? He also seemed waaaaaay too calm im pretty sure that anyone who just woke up and stepped outside their room to find humanoid horses waiting for them with their spears and swords out would freak out sooooo fix it?