Or, how to be the pony everypony should know
Lament Of An Author
Or, being the pony everypony should know
"Hey! Hey Twilight," Applebloom shouted, spotting her across one of Ponyville's busy streets. Twilight was out for one of her scheduled walks, taking in the scenery and chatting with the townsponies. Applebloom was on a mission.
"Oh, hello Applebloom! Not with your friends today?" Twilight asked with a smile. It wasn't often she saw one of the three inseparable Cutie Mark Crusaders on their lonesome. A chill ran through her spine as she talked, as if this conversation was to start an unfortunate series of unwanted events.
"Nah, they're planning something big for the school paper, and I've been sent to get help!" she replied.
"Oh!" Twilight said, her ears perking up. She always enjoyed helping little fillies and colts kindle their love for learning. "How can I help?"
"Have you seen our new stories page?" Applebloom asked, pulling out a copy of the latest paper. Twilight hadn't—she didn't read the local paper, preferring to get her news from imported Canterlot sources like The Equestrian Daily and Playmare.
The stories page hung before her, and Twilight scrutinised it. The page was filled with words, even more so than the usual news or gossip articles, and the header lay at the top of the page like a mission statement: Pony Words Page.
"It's for stories people write!" Applebloom explained, "Anybody can send them in! We've had almost a dozen already, and people keep writing more! Scootaloo thinks the newspaper's gonna take off! She's even writing her own story for it!"
"That's lovely, Applebloom! I'm so glad your class is discovering the fun of creative writing! Why, I used to be quite the author myself, back in my crazy fillyhood days!"
"Twilight?" Celestia called. "Twilight Sparkle, are you up here?"
The princess walked into Twilight's bedroom, searching around for her young protégé. It was time for her lessons and yet she hadn't appeared; Celestia was worried.
"Twilight, it's time for class!" she calmly shouted into the room, hoping Twilight would be able to hear. An instant later she heard a squeak and a bump, followed by an almighty crash from one of the adjacent rooms.
"Twilight!" Celestia gasped, galloping into the room at full speed. When she entered, her mouth fell open in surprise; the end of Twilight's tail was barely visible from under a gargantuan pile of papers and parchments. The trapped unicorn struggled and wiggled, but was stuck tight.
Celestia lifted the obstructions away and brushed the debris from Twilight's coat. "Twilight, are you okay?" she asked, smiling softly to try and ensure the pony it wasn't her fault. Twilight could be so self-concious.
"I'm sorry, Celestia! I couldn't see my sundial under there, so I didn't realise I was late! It won't happen again, I promise!" Twilight replied, shuffling on her hooves and looking down at the floor. She spoke quietly, as if she was resigned to her fate of receiving whatever punishment Celestia thought most worthy.
"You have nothing to apologise for, Twilight. What were you doing under there?" Celestia asked with a voice as smooth as butter and an expression matched only by angels.
"I was writing," Twilight mumbled, still resolutely staring at her forehooves as if the shadow they cast on the ground was the most interesting thing in the world.
"One of your papers?"
"A story," she whispered.
"What's it about?" Celestia prompted, hoping to get more than a 2 word answer from the puzzling mare. How bad could it really be?
"It's about, um..." Twilight trailed off.
"Hm?"
"It's about you," Twilight replied, wincing, "and one of the adventures you went on. I thought everypony should know about it so I started to write about it." Twilight's voice was quiet and squeaky.
"Aww!" Applebloom squealed, "That's so cute!"
"I'm glad you think so," Twilight replied, "Celestia didn't stop laughing for days. She kept trying to apologise through the tears but having to stop halfway through. It was very discouraging."
Applebloom gasped. "Twilight, you should write a story for our page!"
"Oh, I couldn't! I'm no writer, not really," Twilight lied, knowing full well she could write circles around most of the ponies in Ponyville. She wasn't even completely certain Rainbow Dash was completely literate; Pinkie Pie read by running her nose along the letters; Rarity only read cheap soft-core romance novels, and Fluttershy hadn't taken a non-reference manual out of her library since she'd arrived. "But I guess if you really want me to, I could try."
"Would you? Oh, golly gosh thank you Twilight! This is gonna be the best issue ever!" Applebloom said, jumping up and down on her hooves in glee before running off, presumably to break the news to her friends that the real authors had arrived.
Twilight Sparkle turned around and trotted back home, mentally starting to plan her prose and design her dialogue.
"Spike!" she called, the instant she was within her dwelling. "Prepare the writing den!"
Spike gulped and nodded. The writing den hadn't been used since the last time Twilight was running late on her assignments. Those were dark days, and the less said about them the better.
"No, Twilight! We will not delay the dawn to give you more time!" Princess Luna snapped, irritated that she had been called down from watching over the night to answer Twilight's frantic queries.
"But princess! I need more time!"
"Twilight, if you cannot manage your time that is not our problem. My sister would be furious if we refused to relinquish control. Indeed, the last occurrence of that event lead to our banishment, and we do not wish to endure that once more."
"My time management?! It's not my fault you forgot to lock Tartarus again! Face it, princess, you owe me one."
"Very well," Luna snarled, through gritted teeth, "You shall have one additional hour. Pray Celestia takes mercy on me."
"No, it won't be like that this time!" Twilight promised. "I need to write a story before the next issue of Applebloom's school paper, that's all!" Twilight's voice was cheery and chipper, not the frantic and jumpy mess that usually preceded another breakdown, so Spike gave her the benefit of the doubt and went to prepare the den.
Twilight's writing den was a sacred place. A wooden cage of ideas and theory. A material creation for the creation of immaterial concepts. The den was Twilight's home away from home, the place where she could sit and work and work and work.
A few minutes later, Spike exited the den coughing and spluttering with a feather duster in his hand and the look of victory on his face. The den was cleaned and ready.
"Thank you, Spike," Twilight said, "I trust there will be no interruptions until I'm done, okay?"
Twilight walked into the den and closed the door shut behind her. The three locks slid shut, and the magical barrier was sealed. The den was now quite possibly the safest place in Equestria. Twilight turned and looked at her writing desk. Reams of paper hung from the ceiling, and a vast bucket of ink lay on the floor. A pony could write for days and barely even scratch the surface of what it was possible to create in this room.
Twilight planned to do just that.
"Thank you," Twilight said with a smile, handing the bulging letter to the grey postmare. She took it and pushed it into her saddlebag with a little difficulty. Within it was a neatly folded parchment some 30,000 words long, detailing a tale of intrigue, lost and found love, and a secret twist nopony would see coming. "Any letters for me, Derpy?"
"Hm," Derpy replied, tilting her head to think. "Ah! Yes indeed, I do recall there being an item of mail for your young dragon, Spike. Please, allow me a moment to retrieve it." Derpy lifted her wing and pulled a thin letter, addressed to Spike, Twilight's Treehouse, Ponyville, Equestria and handed it to the librarian.
"Now," she continued, "if that's all I really must be departing. It's a heavy run today, I've never seen so many letters; I can barely fly!" She took off unsteadily and flew off into the distance while Twilight waved and smiled.
"Now we wait!" Twilight grinned, handing Spike his letter and preparing herself for the inevitable torrent of fan-mail. If Derpy thought today was heavy on mail, just let her wait and see.
A week later, Twilight was concerned. It was unlike the reliable mailmare to not deliver a letter, and yet that was the only possible reason for her story's complete lack of reception.
"Celestia damn it, I'm going to go see Applebloom," Twilight decided over her morning oats. "I'll deliver my story by hoof if I have to."
"You won't," Spike said, holding his copy of the week's paper. "They have a comments section for last week's stories, let's have a look!"
Twilight plucked the paper from his hands and started to read. "Okay, let's see here. PinkieHorse27's two thousand word story about writing stories has eighteen comments! Gosh, if that's popular I wonder how many comments mine has!"
Twilight's jaw dropped as she saw the section for her own masterpiece. "Zero?!" she gasped. "Nobody at all?! Not one?! Spike, what is the meaning of this?!"
"H- hey, don't blame me! Go talk to Applebloom about it, I guess!"
"Hmf! I will," Twilight promised, angrily munching on the few remaining oats. As soon as the bowl was empty, Twilight was away, galloping towards the troublesome trio's treehouse.
"Hey! Hey Twilight!" a voice called, interrupting her silent fury. Twilight turned to glare at it.
"What do you want?" she snapped, not in the mood for friendly discussions while her art was being mocked by the populace.
"Ooh, are you a grumpypants today?" Pinkie asked, lightly bopping Twilight on the end of the nose and giggling. "I haven't seen you all week, silly! I just want to chat!"
"Sorry Pinkie," Twilight said, sighing. "I'm just not in a good mood right now. I spent ages writing this story for the local school paper, and nobody even read it! All of the stories that were popular weren't even about anything, they were just stories about writing stories!"
"I read it!" Pinkie announced, "It was great, but there were so many words I kinda got bored in the middle and started making my own story up. Gummy liked it, though! He gave it a thumbs up!"
"Thanks, Pinkie. I think." Twilight sighed. "Why didn't anypony else read it, though?"
"Well, gosh, Twilight, I could give you some tips if you want!" Pinkie said, bouncing up and down.
"You write?" Twilight incredulously said. "With words?"
Pinkie nodded. "Come on, I'll show you!"
Pinkie bounced away, and Twilight reluctantly followed. Eventually, the two came to a stop by the side of one of Pinkie's drawers, and she pulled it open to reveal a few stacks of paper.
Twilight's jaw hit the floor as she read the name on one of them. "You! You're PinkieHorse27!" she screeched, jabbing Pinkie in the side of the neck with her horn in frustration.
"Yep!" Pinkie said, completely ignoring the assault, "I have over 30 watchers! They're over there-" Pinkie pointed to the window, where a small crowd had gathered to stare at her. She waved- "so I think people like my stories!"
"But... this one isn't even about anything! It's just you talking about things that annoy you by putting somebody else's characters in a scenario they'd never usually be in, just so they can say what you think! And what's this one?"
Pinkie snatched the parchment from Twilight's hands and hid it inside her mane. She awkwardly laughed, "Hahah! You don't need to see that one. It's not important. Gummy wrote it. I just proofread. People really liked it, but you wouldn't."
"Pinkie."
"Yes?" Pinkie innocently said, fluttering her eyes.
Twilight yanked the parchment out of Pinkie's hair and quickly surrounded herself in a magic bubble, locking the not-so-innocent equine out. "Let's see here, this one's called... Twilight and Dash's special day out?!"
Pinkie giggled while Twilight read. A few pages in she put it down with a faraway expression on her face, and the magic shield faded away.
"Pinkie, why did you write about Rainbow Dash and I kissing? That's creepy."
"People really liked it! It even got into some of the big newspapers over in Manehatten! There's a fan-sequel in the works and somepony might be doing a movie!"
"But this never happened."
"Of course not, silly! It's fiction!" Pinkie laughed.
"But... my story was original, and unique, and quality! These are... well, no offence, Pinkie, but these aren't very good."
Pinkie's smile didn't falter. "Of course not, but people like them anyway! Sometimes, Twilight, the idea of something is what people really want! They don't want to read a masterpiece, they just want something to make them laugh! Also you and Dash would be so cute together!"
"Pinkie!"
"You would!"
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Too much meta...TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH
This should be featured. This would show those Meta Fics.
700390
Did you not read Meta?
TAW
Where did I go wrong? Was is the rock'n'roll? The comic books? Public school?
Where did I mess up? There's still time to fix this!
Added to read later
700415 Yes. Yes I have.
I still prefer this over that one.
Anyways, Good Show, TAW. This was a quick and fun read.
700415
It's the hoverboards, I assume. if I told you I was seriously just writing this to see how easy fimfiction was to game would you believe me?
Eh, I don't know. It's okay if you don't like meta, or would like to see something else. But "meta is stupid" is just as bad as "shipping is stupid" or "adventure is stupid".
A perfect example of mixed tagging (particularly the Tragedy).
Wanderer D posted an interesting blog about it. 
And it should be. 
Ah, well, but there's no meta tag currently.
700431 Dont know about him, But I think that'd be easy to believe.
Almost makes me want to try it, see what happens, whether good or bad.
700433 People say Adventure is stupid? I'm surprised.
Looks like alot of people are gonna hate my next fic then.
700431
Yes.
I don't know if you saw the deleted blog I (and several others) posted for Scootaloo's Big Meal, but the only reason any of that was done was because most of the pre-readers were offended at the lack of basic writing abilities in that r63 Spike thing. Several of us blatantly abused our followers to knock it off featured.
That picture is the same you used for one of your clips isn't it?
Now onto reading...
700448
I didn't, but I can only say thank you--having that on the featured reel was downright depressing.
how come all your descriptions start with "Because sometimes..."
"I have over 30 watchers! They're over there"
700446
Not that I know of, no. I just couldn't think of a good second genre to use. (And also, that's kind of the point; it's stupid to dismiss Adventure as a genre, so no-one does it.)
700486
I'm not dismissing meta fiction as an art form, that'd be hugely hypocritical. I just don't think it has any place being featured. The way I see it, I have a soapbox and I'm going to use it.
700501
Fair enough!
It's funny how that ends, especially when I read this on a break from writing my Twi-Dash :x
Thumbs up for the flashbacks (anything that adds lore to ponies is epicwin), have a stache
700501 DANKE, TAW.
I think that the Feature box has no place to be on any Meta, really. It just feels like alot of people get cheated out of being there, when they realize it's something completely idiotic. (Not to say this STORY is idiotic, but there are alot of stuff up there, that the most braindead monkeys would find to be able to write.
The feature box should be something that everyone finds amazing amongst fics. Whether it's Adventure, HiE, Love stories, anything. just not meta fics.
In my experience, this is completely accurate to real life. And some times, what you've just described happens to the same author rather than two different ones. I've written a one-shot story on here that I thought would receive no attention whatsoever, and it turns out getting twenty likes. Then I write three chapters for another fic, each one longer than the one-shot, and it only gets four likes.
They should have a "meta" tag so people can filter it out.
Classic TAW. Althogu I usually hate meta, this made me laugh.
so meta i died of a heart attack
700431. Dammit TAW, Y U make me lose the game?
RIL'd
AGh, my sides hurt!
Wasn't going to read, then I looked at the beginning of the description again and it was like "Because sometimes" so now I'm gonna read it.
What the hell is meta?
"I have over 30 watchers! They're over there-"
...okay, that's actually kind of creepy.
Most enjoyably meta. Poor Twilight. There's no accounting for taste.
Hug time is go. You deserve one!
Heh, pretty good.
Pinkie has the shipping goggles
They would.
...What? Don't look at me.
I blame it on the pink horse.
pinkiepieisbestpony
700609
This.
A thousand times this.
Finally got around to reading. Bravo for making this an actual story and not just a meta-story.
I'll make sure to get you that hoverboard someday.
Dash just needs to give into the polyamorous lifestyle and shack up with all of her friends. Or at least Pinkie and Twilight.
We were speaking of gorgeous eyes earlier, and Pinke's are amazing too.
Total magic of the best kind, I am going to put this right over here next to my Twilight and Dash collection.
That is a good picture.
-Delta-
somepony might be doing a movie!
I would watch this. It'd probably be terrible, but I'd watch it anyway.
700609
YES.
702472
>greytext
ALSO THIS.
702472
Alas, I fear I have to chalk this one up as a failure. Its raison d'être was to get featured so I could use it as a soapbox for saying shit like this shouldn't get featured and hopefully--though probably not--change a few minds. I guess I underestimated the community here.
Also, Pinkie's eyes are dashingly blue, they're very pretty.
GAH
This is Pinkies story about writing stories with the authors self insert opinions, all the while being a commentary about people wanting to read the self insert author rather than the detailed epic that was in the self insert.
I think my head is about to 'splode <>_<>
704280
=/
I think that meta is finally starting to annoy people. I wish there was a [meta] tag and a black list. Your issue is that you didn't go full-meta though. I mean, you still had Twilight being herself instead of standing in for you/the reader/whatever. It's more like Elements of Awesomery than Twi Does the Box.
And yes. Pinkie's eye match Dash so very well.
704968
Dang--makes sense I can't bring myself to go meta enough even when I try I guess. Ah well, I'll just live with making a fool of myself, it's not the first time.
705061
You want to tell horse stories; it's understandable. I, for one, approve of happy pone stories. Especially if they are sticky.
Also, I'm being told to learn html5/js so I can make those pony-eye things follow your mouse cursor. Not sure if too creepy.
705125
It's not too creepy until it's your homepage and you disable the url bar
oh man would I
I was afraid this would be a harsh, violent protest!
Glad I was wrong - Yoko Ono and John Lennon were sleep-in brutes compared to this tame meta. Which is great, because sadly fighting fire with fire works.
This is a great and correct commentary on the plight of our fanfic authors and their brave struggle to fight against crap with gold - but when offering a burger for a buck, you'll sell a hundred for every filet mignon at $50. I don't know why this applies to writing, but... well, more folks we know have read Garfield At Large than War and Peace. More have seen Weekend At Bernie'a than Kafka. How many Britney Spears song titles can the average person list off in a minute compared to Bach?
It's all an uphill battle. I don't envy the attempt, and I shudder to think what we'd become if true art just plain surrendered.
Sigh. I've depressed myself! I feel for you, TAW.
Honestly I was expecting it to be much more meta. This was pretty in - universe.
733054 Agreed.
Also, I really need to read these things when people post them. Not a week+ later.
Dammit! Why when I quote comments on here it almost never says the commenter's name, nor shows the little preview revealing just which comment you were replying to?
i give you the gift of 1 downvote for your meta bullshit...its meta i downvoted deal with it...........not like you have anythin better to do..............its meta
Hmm, I liked the story well enough, but I'd downvote a lot of the comments if I could. Meta doesn't belong in the featured box? That's a completely arbitrary statement. I could say shipping doesn't belong in the feature box, and it would make just as much sense. Meta stories are reliably more interesting than the 12th fic this week about Rainbow screwing Pinkie Pie.
Also, the "bad stories" in the story are not meta. I'd rather read this story as a commentary on how readers often like badly-written stories retreading the same old territory, than interesting new ones. The funny thing is, the badly-written popular stories are usually shipfics, or clopfics, or sex comedy; the interesting new ones are more likely to be meta-fics. Usually, authors complaining about the pedestrian preferences of readers are talking about their preference for the genre that TAW works in! So this story means the opposite to me of what it seems to mean to TAW. The only way I can read it as in any way aligning with TAW's comments, is that we are not meant to sympathize with Twilight, but to scorn her for trying to write something with meaning, and tell her to learn to write more like Pinkie Pie.
Here's what the comments in this post sounds like from my perspective, as someone who finds metafics interesting and likes writing them: "I like shipping fics. The kind of stories I like have an almost-complete domination of fimfiction and EqD, and a death-grip on the featured box. But every now and then, a story gets in that isn't a shipfic! We must do something about this. We must stamp these non-shipfic stories out! We must make rules, and prevent these stories from ever being written, and push those sorts of people out of bronydom, because things we don't like are bad." We have so little, and you have so much, and you want to take what little we have away from us. And it's really rubbing salt in the wound that this complaint comes from TAW, who has no right to complain, ever, about the featured box.
I don't like Halo crossovers, but I don't campaign the mods to ban them and force my preferences on everybody else. I don't like rules about fanfic. We have far too many rules already. There should be no rules. Not one. The featured box shouldn't be reserved for shipfics, or clopfics, or any other kind of fic. It should be for good stories. And, in the final analysis, all that really means is stories that people like.
1073981
I dislike meta stories in the same sense that I dislike Human In Equestria stories; though I've written both, neither are done well often. You may well be the exception--I don't know, I haven't read them, but the very fact you're able to write a sensible rebuttal heavily indicates you are--but that doesn't change the rule.
Metafiction isn't the only thing that suffers from this--god no, fanfiction in general does--but it is something that came up often, and likely came up with a particularly terrible implementation that inspired me to write this piece of trash.
You misunderstand the story--or just as likely, I miswrote it--if you think I think metafiction shouldn't ever be in the featured box. I think bad metafiction shouldn't be in there, just as I think unfunny comedies or February fiction shouldn't have its place. I make no statement as to what the genre can achieve, only to the average quality. It's the same reason this site disallows anything below 1000 words: Stories like The Cough prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that a skilled author can do amazing things with a few carefully crafted words, but the vast, vast majority of stories under 1000 words are terrible. I see the exactly same in meta fiction. (And shipfiction, and clopfiction, and *fiction)
As I said in the description, I meant no offence.
I do, also, disagree that I "have no right" to complain about the featured box. Is the fact I'm in it often really enough to disqualify any opinion I have on it?
1074392
>You misunderstand the story--or just as likely, I miswrote it--if you think I think metafiction shouldn't ever be in the featured box.
You wrote, in the comments above, "I'm not dismissing meta fiction as an art form, that'd be hugely hypocritical. I just don't think it has any place being featured."
You wrote this blog post, going out to 1500 of your readers, complaining about meta-fiction. You wrote that it shouldn't be in the feature box. Your post rapidly filled up with comments from your readers that were angrily anti-meta-fiction, with no reservations such as you are expressing now.
The next day, the mods came out with a new rule: No meta-fiction. You didn't complain at the time that you hadn't meant it to go that far, or that you weren't casting aspersions on all of it. You did nothing AFAIK to undo the damage you'd done.
>I do, also, disagree that I "have no right" to complain about the featured box. Is the fact I'm in it often really enough to disqualify any opinion I have on it?
It is, if your opinion is that stories not like yours are in the featured box too often.
I think you're a nice person, based on comments I've seen you make in other places. I think maybe you don't understand what you did here.
1074595
I think you overestimate the sway I have over knighty if you seriously believe anybody can get him to do something in a single day, never mind implement a new rule. For reference, it took several weeks to get him to fix the views box, which took a single e-mail. The metafiction ban was an action they took entirely independently of me.
I speak in absolutes whenever I'm talking about statistically overwhelming subjects. It becomes a philosophical debate at some point whether appending "Except for the exceptions" is worthwhile. One in a hundred? Two hundred? Anything can be done well if written by a skilled writer, but that doesn't mean anybody should be expected to give that concept the time of day. A cupcakes-inspired human in equestria fanfiction written in second-person present tense could be fantastic if written by a truly skilled author, but... well, if I ask you about that idea, would you say it had merit?
Realise that when I say metafiction I am not talking about the stories that draw likenesses between commonly-faced plights of humanity and equinity, I'm talking about stories where Twilight Sparkle logs on to sipfiction.net to upload her latest My Little Human: Science is Progress fanfiction. I don't think a story like that is really ever going to touch anybody, or make any kind of difference, or be read for enjoyment's sake, or be anything other than a five minute distraction for the bored and restless. That's merely my opinionated opinion, I offer it only as that, not as a fact you must bow to or a decree for you to follow.
I did no damage, for I made no action. This story, as a matter of fact, was submitted and approved after the ban was in place--my protest was misplaced and pointless.
I see no point at which I implied that only my sort of story should be featured. Don't mistake seeing little value in one tiny subgenre for dismissing everything except what is mine. I don't think a lot of things should be featured, but I don't think my opinion should override the majority rule--I simply don't think that those things should be there.
I try to be a nice person, and part of that is keeping my ego in check with healthy doses of humility. Any statement I offer is merely mine. I don't pretend to speak for anybody else, or any higher authority, and I certainly don't mean to try and steamroll the views of others. If I have offended you, then all I can offer are my apologies.