The past has always been a mystery to the ponies of Equestria. Even to the Princesses who've lived for millenniums don't fully know what the world was like long ago.
However when a mysterious figure emerges from deep underground, its discovered that he originated from an ancient civilization that existed long before even magic came to be and that their ancient ancestors creations may have unintentionally played a key role in shaping the world that they now live in.
But the most shocking thing of all, the figure himself isn't like anything that anypony has seen in all of Equestria.
This is my first MLP Fanfiction so I'd like to hear some constructive criticism.
I hope you all enjoy this story!
Chapters (3)
This looks terrible! The grammar's off, and I hate cliffhangers!
Ah, I'm just screwin' with you. This looks great so far! Eat a like and continue, if you may. I see great promise!
7636083
Thanks a lot! I have the next chapter almost done just a few adjustments here and there and it should be up very soon! :D
I'm interested in the story but I'm hoping next chapter involves Rainbow Dash clutching her hoof in pain because I'm tired of violently impulsive Rainbow Dash.
next chapter now
please?
7638058
Don't worry, it's 70% completed.
7638377 yay thank you
constructive criticism:
how did he know fluttershy was calling for help if he could not understand her?
bit of advice if you want to dialog that one character cant understand a method that works well to represent this is to put the dialog in between arrows exp) <"text">
at several points in this last chapter you ended up switching gender pronouns around, likely an auto correct error but is the kind of thing that breaks immersion so you might want to go over an weed them out.
Kinda feel shorted when it came to the protag rescues x member of the mane six troupe what with the monster being timberwolves just because it is so over done and most of them read near identically. the thing is with a setting like the everfree forest you can pick almost any kind of monster you like drop them into it and have it be reasonably believable. why not "branch" out a bit?
otherwise you have a great story hook what with him digging himself out of vault 111. not a whole lot to go on as far as character arcs since the story is just getting started. all in all i am excited about it and eagerly await the next chapter. RD BEST PONE
7638725
Thank you so much for giving me those critiques! It's much appreciated!
I will try to make fixes or possible changes to the things you pointed out.
I heavily agree with the whole Everfree scenario and protag rescues mane six thing, I just kinda put myself into a corner that I couldn't get out of when I came up with that idea. I do have some new ideas that hopefully do branch out a bit more than what we've already read before.
Again this is my first time writing and publishing anything on this site so hopefully my writing gets better with each chapter.
Thank you again for your constructive criticisms!
7638747 How is the next chapter coming along?
7642000
It's coming along great thanks for asking.
Probably about 85% done give or take.
I don't like the idea of Rainbow dash of not trusting some, it been over done. But in this one she had some what of a good reason. Guess what I'm saying I'm tried of dash distrustful of pony for no reason
lol, name him Not Sure.
7643015
Haha he has a name it'll be revealed soon. But Not Sure is funny! XD
7644076
Oops gotta fix that!
#1 I am really enjoying this mystery!
#2 Poor Mecha Pony T_T
7642911 Yeah I can understand that, but Rainbow Dash has VERY good reasons to be Distrustful over a Stallion who is so...UNNATURAL. The others just assume he's a really awesome Earth Pony, but RD knows better.
Personally I am VERY curious to see where this is going. I enjoy this slow build in the story, and I cannot WAIT to see what happens next! <3
7644220 How goes the next chapter?
7661199
It may unfortunately take a little longer than I realized due to work and an upcoming convention that I'm preparing for.
GIVE ME MORE YOU TEASE!
Is it our so-far unnamed protagonist who is majestic (which is what this word order seems to imply)? Or is it the night sky that is majestic?
(Not that there's anything wrong with the protagonist being majestic; I'm just curious whether the word order matches your intent.)
7676532
Hehe I was implying that he was staring at the sky with a majestic gaze (if that makes sense). I'll see if I can fix that if others are confused by that statement as well.
7676740 ples sir, may i have another?
Well dear author you asked for feedback
Praise:
I like the presented concept so far. This has potential to be really fun and I will definately continue to read it.
Now I would like to give some constructive feedback.
This is an example of a "Sight Gag"
While this works well in a visual medium like a cartoon I would recommend avoiding this in the written word.
Your adjectives for the shade of his coat changed from one paragraph to the next. Not a huge deal but consistency is a good thing to strive for.
Good show so far! I look forward to more!
Also the reason your images are not showing is that imgur is for some reason blacklisted on this site. A simple solution is to setup a deviant art account and post/link to the images there.
7713886
Thank you sooo much for the feedback as well as the image problem I've been having!
I just came in and this story is highly intriguing and I would love to see more. A few grammar errors here and there, they were easy enough to get around though. And I must say that thine artwork is beautiful. Keep it up!
I'm agree with Tempest Knight, I really hope the next chapter will come soon
Great stuff man
Is this story alive?
Great chapter! I can hardly wait for the next... tomorrow... unless I forget... which is likely to happen. Sorry it took so long to finish... with the length of the chapter it shouldn't have taken very long... guess I was far more distracted than I thought. There were a few places that I caught a bit of an awkward sentence... I'd point them out, but I lost their places.
The character sure is interesting! Living underground, tunneling; and such a saddening event to find out his home collapsed. I'm am wondering about what that cataclysmic event could have been, and when it happened... how more of. All of it! Before I get to the point of rambling (which is generally bad) I'm going to cut the comment here. I'll be back tomorrow... unless I forget. I bid thee, adieu.
8497112
Thanks! And thank you just for simply reading it! Again take all the time you need to read it, even if you spend a year finishing it! :)
Continuarlo por favor
Soooo... shall it continue?
Sadly this fic appears to be dead.:(
Will there be another chapter
*Preforms CPR on the story*