- Member Since 29th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Last Tuesday
LuckyBreak
The Original silly brony limey
LuckyBreak
Joined 29th Mar, 2012 ·
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Edit: Sorry, that was before I read the story.
737761
I see a lot of potential in this story, but it could use some polish. There were a few grammar errors and I've noticed you're awfully fond of run-on sentences. I recommend having someone pre-read this for you. I'd be happy to do so for you. PM me if you're interested.
737661 well the ai on his pipbuck is called vista: nuff said
pretty good like Solaris said grammar errors use Google docs to write with my FoE fic Im writing I use it to write it and its got a spell check to
Pritty good so far, i will gladyly read the next instalment!
wow, its getting alot of good feedback :d
so i decided to do somthing a little off the wall, as you readers know, Orion is a blankflank. i want you guys to decide what his special talent is and why, also id like to see if you can create a cutiemark for him.
best idea will go into the story
Chalenge ACEPTED!
well i was thinking along the lines of a clould raining hail, sence he has some control over the weather and is best at making it rain hail and make ice cubes, i unfortunately lack the talent on gimp to make it look any better than a two year olds drawing sooo, i wont bother trying to make a pic..... but the inspiration is there for anyone who is more talented at computer art soft wear! I face hoof my self for your amusement....
Almost forgot, i made him on General Zoi's Pony Creator, simply type in pony creator on the devient art serch bar, itl be a flash game, here is the code that you can imput to see him come to life!
283W0030104F4747FEFFFF0000000FFFEUN1837000000001U1000000FFFFFE00107F3FCC004CB2
Ps: this is for Orion by the way :D
744600 hey dont worry about quality man, if needbe i can tidy up any pics as needed, id just like to see how you guys who are making me grin so much think Orions talents lay
Maybe tonight I might read this.
769226 if you do i hope for some feedback :D
i know my gramma still sucks but im still so happy with how well received the story has been :D
769262
If feedback is what you want I'll be sure to tell you what I thought of it.
769286 im always up for advice and feedback, theres no such thing as the perfect story and only through others eyes can i see what i did wrong
Okay here we go. *Cracks neck*
Well the idea is very nice, and the whole family thing was very emotional. However, it feels like he knows where he's going, like: "I just got out, better go this way cause it's right!" To me it just seems that way to me.
Plus Happy is a cool pony name.
I would like to see more back story on who he was besides his family, like his education, friends, and so on before the bombs. I also don't know if I missed his age or what but it says he's a teenager yet I have no clue how old he is. Whether I missed that or not it would be nice to know.
Grammar is fine, and plus if I saw some mistakes I wouldn't think much of them anyway. His inner thoughts are like real, like they are the thoughts of a real pony/person which makes it enjoyable. It would also be nice if he had a scar or something from the timber wolves because it was such a big deal and having that with him could make things interesting at points in time.
Characters are nice, and the way it introduced itself is nice. The one thing I would do is make it seem darker. Like: I just got out and I have no clue what's out here.
It just seems like the world is empty and he is the only one he has to worry about, and not to take into account that others might be out there. A more easier way of saying this is, he needs to be more cautious. Then again his age, life, and other stuff could stop that. I don't know it's just me.
I can't honestly say more then what has been said. Others seem to have got the other problems already.
The verdict:
It is a very good story.
Some little problems here and there but I can tell you no story is perfect. Keep at it and good luck with the rest of the story.
I give this chapter a 9 out of 10. Good luck!
- Noakwolf
(I probably won't follow the story because believe it or not I have my own stories to write and the few I do follow I'm pretty devoted to. Plus life and other stuff gets in the way.)
773555 wow thanks :D
thats ALOT more info than any prereader has given me, plus you hit on alot of what i wanted to address in chapter 2. been reading my notes?
dont worry its going to get alot darker, the empty world thing was intentional, orion is going to get a major wakeup call when the reality of the wastelands hits him in the face.
I missed the age issue, thanks for pointing that out :D
now i just have to take a look at your story, only fair plus im a real fallout nut :D
i also bet the storys you follow are say heroes and project horizons?
thanks again for the info, its going to help iron out alot i missed
774995
NO NO NO NO NO!
I read PH and didn't like it (at all) and I haven't got around to reading heros though I plan to later. :3
Brb need to read.
good chapter
incase anypony is wondering, this is what silver skies looks like.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/193/f/f/filly_alicorn___silver_skies_by_cobbzero-d56yfhw.png
Seems like there are a few chronological errors. I don't think that Pip was called the lightbringer until after unity was destroyed.
Also, shouldn't he level up? At the very least, killing all those slavers would be worth a level.
Good story so far. Can't wait to learn more about the mutant alicorn.
903385 theres actually a reason for no level up dude, the chapter ran way longer than i expected to rather than bore people with a 25k chapter im breaking it into 2.
there will be alot more about little silver skies and her obvious crush on Orion, that the kids too slow to notice lol.
Next chapter will be up alot sooner i promise.
great so far... after my summer camp at catilina i hope therel be another chapter... things are getting interesting!
Strongly suggest you put the illustrations in-line in the story for maximum awesome.
another good chapter
Your proofreader must be one amazing fellow. You should pay him back by drawing art for him...
YEAS! I loved this chapter! about time i say! keep up the great work!
Wow...
It amazes me that anypony would even read my writing let alone like it. Still with 2 EQD posts so far I'm shocked on how well liked this storys been.
hmm,
I am a fan of Broken wings but I wasnt a big FoE fan. Still I gave this story a chance as i do like the author's writing style.
Now Luckybreak owes me a new screen! Every time I thought it was safe to drink anything a read a funny line and spit my drink across my desk.
I love the charictors! I love little Silver Skies! And I want a Nighteyes of my own now!
The way Orion is written has had me smiling all day as I remember a line I read!
Chapter one was emotional and gave a hint into that world, Chapter 2 was very dark but introduced the sweetest OC pony I have ever read, but chapter 3? It was hysterical.
I want more Silver Skies and i want it now!
love how the stories going, I wonder what Silver remembers of her life. Also what happened to Celestia and Luna and why all the references to the mane 6 long after their deaths.
1121697 I can answer some of those questions but i can see you havent read fallout equestria yet so i wont spoil the plot on that.
the mane 6 are often referenced as they headed up the ministrys, they were very important before the megaspels blew equestria to hell.
Silver...
well silvers story is going to be a main plot point one of the upcoming chapters. Along with a special guest who i wont name.
as for the princesses.. read the original fallout equestria to find out!
1122351
Dammit, having to read another, probably long story...
Le Sigh, hope I can create a pony universe as large in future :D
I liked the older formatting more to be honest. But that aside, I have grown a certain likeness to this story. I'm not sure what but I do though personally its the whole: clue-less factor. That and this is pretty cool in general. So you know what I;m going to do? YOU KNOW WHAT IM GOING TO DO???? Im going to follow it for future chapters. Because I like this story, it has grown on me.
(P.S. Earlier you said you enjoyed Brotherhood, um if you want to be updated on future chapters a fav would be nice. :3 )
1160024 i never faved it? what? omg sorry!
i think i double clicked fav somehow :(
I need sleep... but another 3000 words won't hurt.
737761
iv been waiting forever i write i know it take a while but cant wait its really good i dont see whats everyones problem withe grammerical errors fucking grammer nazis
1321086 well ive had a lot of setbacks the last few months, ingrown nail, blood poisioning and a head injury to name a few but im very close to being finnished. Expect the next chapter before the end of the week *crosses fingers*
also its almost double the size of any previous chapter
Hooooooooly crap that's a lot of words! It might take me a few days to get through this, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.
1332927 i did warn you in another blog it was twice the normal size
still when you see the amount of stuff in there...
and the guest star...
1332970 PINKIE WHYYYYYYY!!!!!??????!!!!!!!
50% through, so far so good. The whole "IRON WILL" thing I did not see coming at all. Personally I think you're the first to use iron will. idk, but so far I'l liking this. I had to re-read chapter 3 to refresh myself. So I've read quiet a bit today, whew I need a nap.
1339432 well i needed somepony with a big personality and who fits the bill better. plus hes freaking huge!
1342620 all will be revealed, besides atm orion is too scared to ask silver out even if its obvious to everypony hes into her in a big way.
*spoiler* it will take something big to make the wise cracking colt admit to his feelings and pony up so to speak.
btw ive had a random message saying orion is too strong... not convinced myself as this chapter he nearly died twice, what you guys think?
1344606 Ehh I would just say that he is very, and I mean VERY, lucky....
1344606
Strong? Physically no. Is he very well equipped? He now has a minigun that shoots AP rounds 24/7, a sniper rifle that I am guessing has some other enchantments on it (maybe fire), a magic laser sword, a customized PipBuck with an AI and now SATS, Plus he has that freaky snow power. And then he is friends with a steel ranger with a Gauss rifle, a gun obsessed mare who can fix and upgrade almost any weapon, and has an alicorn filly that has a crush on him. Oh, and he just made friends with a minotaur (one of the strongest, if not the strongest, creatures in the wasteland), and an entire group of Reavers.
And this is only 4 chapters in. If his power continues to increase at this level, he is going to eventually get a cybernetic augmentation that allows him to fire balefire bombs with his eyelids.
He himself isn't strong, he just seems to stumble upon the most powerful loot in the world, and meet some of the most powerful people in the area. That could be attributed to his luck, but still.
Good story though, and nice chapter.
1351550 lol well hes got some nice gear ill admit. Vengeance isnt a minigun though, its two assault carbines fitted with drum magazines.
Silver is pretty powerless, i mean her magic is a weak healing spell and the ability to teleport another pony all of three feet
his snow power is pretty much basic Pegasus weather magic on a smaller scale.
as for the luck? well his talent is blind luck not good luck...
not to give too much away but his luck can and will turn.
Very nice chapter. I didn't saw Iron Will in FoE so far, that was nice. The dress thing? Great. Orion recording Ironclad? Brilliant. But there are some things in this story I have issues with. First...
I can't help but see Orion as a little bit of a mary sue character.
Sure, I like this story, but reading about a blank flank that takes out an alicorn... Sure, he was incredibly lucky, but still, he had killed one of the most dangerous enemies on the wasteland.
He has some really unique and IMO overpowered EQ for such a young and new to the wasteland character. I'd understood if this story was, I don't know, a 100 000 words long and Orion was a high-level character. But he is not one.
I just sit here, reading the 4th chapter, asking myself "What will be next? A power armor? Cybernetics? Maybe whole army of fanatic hellhounds worshiping Orion as a god?".
Also... he's a teenager who was brutally pulled out from his comfortable life in the pod to cruel wasteland... and he just kind of shrugs it of. Like he doesn't care. It's quite weird, if you ask me. I doubt he's just too stupid to understand what happen, so... I think there will be a point in the story when he will break. Even if this whole "not caring" thing is kind of a young mind defense system (I hope you know what I'm talking about), it can't be perfect. He's just to happy. He's living in a world full of danger, he had killed ponies, his parents are dead... You know what I mean, right?
Okay, his special talent is blind luck. But so far it seems like his SPECIAL stats in luck is 20. Steel Ranger with a Gauss who treats the little pegasus like a young brother? Seriously?
On the other hoof, it's a very nice story, and I will contiune reading it. Please, don't take this as an attack or a "I don't like it, it's bad" message. Story is good, only... it could be better. Especially when it comes to Orion's luck, skill, firepower and increasing impossible (imo), eternal good mood.
Just one more thing, if you're still reading this. A common spelling mistake among English native speakers... In many situations you should write "you're", not "your".
Just saing. Woah, I wrote quite a lot in here. Sorry for bad English (it's not my first language...) and good luck with writing more of this. It's a good story, and I hope it will become even better ;-)
1360645oh dont worry dude, his insane luck is there for a reason. Blind luck, hes been on the good end for a while and got alot out of it. how bad you think things will get when that luck turns the other way?
I diiiiid it! And might i say this was a very lovely chapter!
I liked it a lot, look forward to the next one bro. 
/)
1386279 thanks :D
This fic has real potential.
The characters are very enjoyable and they seem genuine. This shit deserves a thumbs up and a fave good job.
-Noakwolf sent me here btw.