• Member Since 20th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen Tuesday

A British Gentleman


I am a fan of many things, particularly the fine works of Sir Terry Pratchett (may he rest in peace). After spending a long time lurking, I have elected to create an account.

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Source

Princesshood.

The dream of many a filly, young and old. The glamour! The power! The fortune! The fame! The eyes of millions, looking upon them with awe and admiration. Many ponies have yearned for this.

Fluttershy is not one of those ponies.

Bit of a problem, that.

Written for F*** THIS PROMPT #6, Rage Reviews.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 14 )

Brilliant story. The characters sounded like their canon counterparts and the story flowed naturally from their actions. A few grammar/spelling errors here and there, but nothing glaringly horrible. Certainly acceptable given the time limit of the contest in my opinion.

I loved the Pratchett-esk footnotes. Although perhaps it would have been better to add them at the end of their related scenes as oppose to a separate chapter.

Overall a great story.
And honestly if you don't beat at least my entry I'll be shocked.

I can't read the word "embuggerance" without thinking of Terry Pratchett. And now I'm sad. :fluttershysad:

Aklo-Bits are part of a complete, if eldritch breakfast.

In all, a fun story with noticeable and enjoyable Prachettian influence, but you sidestepped most of the conflict and left many questions unanswered. Why and how did Fluttershy ascend? Why was her ascension so different from Twilight's? How do the other princesses plan on handling a royal who flinches at the spotlight? What finally brought an end to Angel's rampage?
Really, the heaviest criticism I can levy against this story is that there isn't enough of it. There's a lot more room to explore, and I wish you had done so.

Felt like a lot was missing but Fluttershy's and Rarity's reaction seem ok..

Hah, I knew that stalking, I mean, following you would be worthwhile. Nice story, but there are a few points where it may need to be expanded. Not the horrible bunny rampage although, such things should, in my opinion, remain in the imagination and nightmares of the readers.

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There just wasn't enough time to meet the deadline. I will publish a polished and expanded edit after. All of these will be answered with the exception of the rampage; that was always intended to be a noodle incident. Thanks for the feedback :twilightsmile:

[1] Mr Fuzzycock [2]

Lesson #1 for fanfiction: Don't copy the Pratchett model of random, obnoxious footnotes. It worked for Pratchett (arguably; while I'm a fan of his work, I always found the footnote thing incredibly tedious), but it does not work in fanfiction unless you're using Wiki-style notations or external hyperlinks--neither of which are present here.

In short, don't do the footnote thing.

She emerged reluctantly from her covers, stretched like a cat, her wings unfurled, before setting herself down on four hooves.

You've got a slight grammar hiccup in this sentence, right around the "her wings unfurled" area.

she she shrugged mentality.

she shrugged mentally

down stairs

'downstairs' is one word.

Ok, ok

Convention dictates one should spell out "okay" in prose.

and scuttled of.

off

and I swear I shall to you, I shall make it

by whatever mean necessary

means

"Aww, look how happy he is that he can help," said Fluttershy as Angel moved to the door, an aurora of malevolence about him "He's such a sweetheart."

Missing a period after 'him'.

Half an hour later, both mares set of,

off

"Um, yes. I'm an alicorn, I think. I'm sorry, I don't want to be a bother, I know you're busy, but could please help me with that?"

You seem to be missing a word between 'could' and 'please'.

This story felt...incomplete. Like there should have been more.

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Thanks for the feedback :twilightsmile:, I'll make the corrections as soon as I get the all clear from the contest.

It looks incomplete because it is, more or less. It had to be rushed out for the deadline. A polished and expanded version will be released when I get the all clear. Again, thanks for the tips :pinkiesmile:

I'm a bit confused.. I mean I like the concept but you didn't clear up anything about the stampede of bunnies and what happened after that to the coronation day? Ik it was supposed to be a short story but...nvm don't listen to me I really don't even have a right to talking about the flaws in your story when mine are probably worse :facehoof: It was a nice little read though :trollestia:

This deserves an upvote just for adding embuggerance to my vocabulary. The rest of the story isn't bad either.

I understand that this was supposed to be a skit, but man I would have loved to see more fleshing out, maybe even some misadventures for Princess Fluttershy... Ah, but what's here is good. :raritystarry:

Dammit, sir, Earl Grey! That ungentlemanly lapse apart, I found this fic pretty entertaining. It doesn't take itself too seriously, which is always a plus, and this isn't a bad attempt at getting footnotes to work on screen. (Check out iisaw's fics for a better one, though.) Worth an upvote, at any rate. :twilightsmile:

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I actually have to disagree with him on the footnotes. I'd suggest cleaning up the format of them, and maybe using smaller text on the footnotes themselves for easier reading. But overall that was a good use of footnote humor.

Dear A British Gentlemen,

I have read and analyzed your story in The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! and your review can be found here.

Despite the sense of incompleteness that this one-shot has due to its very nature, I'm for one glad to have discovered it. It was a good presentation of Pratchettian humour in pony form, and the characterization was great.

However, my only nitpick would be the common use of 'Starswirl' when it is in fact 'Star Swirl', and the way the footnotes were arranged (I don't blame you for that one, it is quite tricky to pull off - and I still don't know how to do the hyperlink thingie in here). Other than that, I really hope to see a more developed version of this story - as it lends itself to be far more, even if it is a four-chapter story or even a three-part storyline.

Well, I wish you a good day!:twilightsmile:

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