• Member Since 29th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday

D G D Davidson

D. G. D. is a science fiction writer and archaeologist. He blogs on occasion at www.deusexmagicalgirl.com.


For thousands of years, mules have used their mystical martial arts to protect the very ponies who despise them, but when the scandalous "Cakegate" photos reveal Princess Celestia for the confection-snarfing tyrant she truly is, the mules decide it's time for a regime change. It's time to assassinate Princess Celestia!

Featured on Equestria Daily on 6/11/2012, Star-5 Story.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 64 )

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads, comments, or votes (even downvotes!). As you can probably tell, this is inspired by the Mulia-as-ninja scene in "MMMystery on the Friendship Express" and by my habit of overdosing on Z-grade Kung fu movies.

If you'd rather see princesses doing the butt-kicking instead of being potential objects of butt-kicking, you might check out my other work in progress, Princess Trinity.

EDIT: Also, big thanks to the pre-reader at EqD who made some perceptive criticisms and excellent suggestions for improving this chapter.

des es veery inteeresting.... you have my fav :pinkiehappy:

This is going to be good. The princesses and all the other ponies are in for nasty surprise.

Okay, I can dig it. Mule ninjas. I might actually have to steal that idea at some point. (Of course, it raises the question of whether or not Pinkie actually knows about them, or if she was just being weird. Hrm.)

The "the future belongs to those who can produce the children to populate it" philosophy really struck a chord. Gotta love a shadowy Lawful Good(ish) assassin group.

And, of course, it goes without saying that your writing's awesome. I already gushed about it in the Princess Trinity comments, so I won't repeat myself :moustache:

Good stuff, man. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Someone is a fan of the Dark Brotherhood in Skyrim, aren't you?

I would love to read the next chapter. ;u;
I've always have been wondering how Celestia always moves the sun when it could move on its own in the Everfree forest.


Actually, I've never played Skyrim. All I know about it are the "Fus Ro Dah" and "arrow to the knee" gags.

All fictional assassins' guilds are probably inspired by the Hashshashin. According to legend, Saladin abandoned his campaign against them when an assassin slipped past his guards, menaced him in his tent, and slipped back out again, leaving behind a poisoned cake and a note that read, "You are in our power." This, of course, is the basis for the scene with Rainbow Dash in the story above.


Feel free to steal the idea. After "MMMystery on the Friendship Express," I'd be surprised if someone else hasn't done it already anyway.

Once again, Princess Celestia faces a challenge to her rule, not by the usual suspects Luna or Chrysalis, but by a secret society of assassin mules! Why do the hybrids want Celestia dead? Well, to make Equestria safe for democracy! They think the sun princess has grown into a petty tyrant, bleeding the settler ponies in the outer rim dry with taxes to feed, of all things, her cake addiction. There are even whispers among the Order that Celestia is a fraud and not as powerful as she claims. Perhaps she is not an immortal after all. Even so, who among them is so bold as to attempt the deed of regicide?

Meanwhile, our nameless hero, a mule, grows up in intimate contact with the darker side of Equestria. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows for a hybrid, up against not only the prejudice of ponies but a sterile future. But the Order beckons…

I certainly expected fallout from Celestia’s “Cakegate” incident, but I didn’t envision the princess marked for death by secret assassins in her own employ! Why would the princess even utilize assassins to put down troublemakers in her realm? Apparently, Celestia is “one of us,” not above the lust for power (and gluttony). Only now do we see her hooves of clay and leftover icing on her mane! Yet, the perennial malcontent Luna plays no part in the conspiracy, for though she may have thoughts of a more equitable balance of power, even she seems to find it beyond the pale to off her own sister.*

What do we make of Rainbow Dash? I can definitely say after her encounter with our “hero” that she might have good reason to reconsider her tendency to boast, as well to reassess the location of her cloud pad. Derpy? Alas, she doesn’t appear…

Will our nameless hero succeed? Maybe not, Celestia is a formidable master of magic, but it’s safe to say many butts will be kicked before we get our answer. He's got the Power.

* Celestia fans might have cause to object to her rather unflattering portrayal in this story. But then again, Luna is DGD's favorite pony... :trollestia:


That does give me an idea, if somepony hasn't done it before, to write a blog post on the "physics of Equestria" trying to make sense of how the world works, especially the extent of the ponies' powers (Celestia moving the sun, Luna the moon, the Pegasi the clouds, etc). Of course, as fantasy (and not sci-fi) the rules in FiM are different from our own world, but it seems that if Celestia can really move the sun, a celestial object, then the entire earth beyond Equestria should be affected, unless there are two suns somehow. The pony world might be more magical than you can possibly imagine! Equestria: where logic takes a holiday and the laws of nature are meaningless!


Look on YouTube for the My Little Pony physics presentation. It probably shouldn't be taken too seriously as the show makes no attempt to be scientifically accurate, but the guy making the presentation measures Rainbow Dash's Mach cone and concludes that she reaches Mach 5 before making the Sonic Rainboom. This presentation was taken at face-value by the highly entertaining Death Battle video in which Rainbow Dash goes up against Starscream from Transformers.

A few stories have attempted to jive the show with sort-of real-world physics. Look for the extremely trippy and densely written "Days of Wasp and Spider" here on this site.

ADDED NOTE TO EVERYBODY: It might just be on my end, but this combox is being glitchy at the moment; apologies if I don't see or reply to your comments.


So Rainbow Dash can go Mach 5? In that case, she should’ve easily blown past AJ and taken the Iron Pony competition, especially the running of the leaves, but for all those concessions. In no way should an egghead like Twilight finish higher than RD…

I'm guessing PT assumes some kind of real-world physics coexistent with the unicorn and pegasi magic in Equestria in order for an earth pony like Inkie Pie to develop tech. Equestria reminds me of that recent Thor movie, where Thor says something about science and magic being the same thing in his realm.


"Princess Trinity" assumes nothing except that ponies in mecha are awesome, much as the present story assumes that mules with wire-fu are awesome, and "To Woo a Princess" (forthcoming) assumes that Unicorns having sword fights with their horns in order to win the hearts of haughty princesses are awesome. I'm all about the awesome.

If "Princess Trinity" involved hard science, I would be forced to explain why a society with an approximately 1950s-era level of technology, minus automobiles, has geniuses like Inkie who can crank out transforming powered armor and walking tanks on the budget available to a small town's mayor. I would also have to explain why, in a hard-science universe, anyone would be dumb enough to build a walking tank in the first place.

Wow, I just stood up and cheered when I got to the end of this chapter. To make everything short, you are an amazing writer. (Chapter Rating: 10/10):twilightsmile:


Thanks. I just got some advice suggesting I modify it, so I'll probably be going over it carefully and putting up a new draft before chapter 2 appears.

Why is this story getting so many negative votes? It's a good story so far.

I must sayt.. While it is well written I did not enjoy the plot. Sorry.. I'm a luna and AJ fan...:ajbemused:



The amazingly punny title alone makes this a must-read.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

I really like this first chapter. It's interesting how you expand on the concept of mules in Equestria and what place they may have in society there.


So am I. I found it amusing to write the story from the perspective of a character who intensely dislikes the show's cast members, though. All for the lulz.


Woot! :pinkiehappy:


Well, I kind of goofed with the labeling. I didn't know whether to call it a comedy or not, and some people probably open it expecting something very different from what they get. The summary suggests the story is outright zany, but the protagonist is quite grim. The effect I'm going for is an outrageous joke told with a dead-serious deadpan, but that's definitely not everyone's cup of tea.

I was just waiting for someone to write something epic about why that mule never takes offense. You sir, did not disappoint! :twilightsmile:

This is most definitely my cup of tea.

The only thing I like more than ponies is martial arts. This mule has it.

Brilliant! I love the mulesassin idea that you've really evolved in this chapter. I can't wait to see what you do with it in the next chapter!

One little mistake I found:
"...or perhaps she simply like you too much..." I believe you mean "likes". :twilightblush:


Argh! Le typo, as they say in the Fancy! I shall repair it post-haste!

"We’ve sat with her at tea, and she’s careful with her cup and teapot. She fears poison."

lolno, she just wants you to think she fears poison.:trollestia:

"Control of the government will fall to Luna, and if she refuses to create a constitution providing for fair taxes and an elected senate, we can consider killing her as well."

That is not how you form an egalitarian democratic government, guys:facehoof:


Meh heh heh. Well, you know how mules do things . . .

Actually, I was thinking the analogy was more like nobles strong-arming the king for a constitution rather than a revolution to overthrow the king and form an entirely new government, except with ninja mules instead of nobles.

What a delightfully dark world you have built. I like the idea of a secret society of mules operating as Celestia's enforcers/secret operatives; it reminds me of the Operative from Serenity.

I did have one nitpick that bothered me when I read it and that is when Mr Mule attacks Rainbow for revenge against her slight. His actions seem awfully rash and sloppy for an elite operative. I can sort of understand if Mr. Mule jumped one of the secondary ponies (Carrot, Lyra, Flitter...), but Dash? She is for all intents and purposes a strategic national asset; assaulting her would invite serious repercussions.

IMHO, his actions were quite jarring and broke both immersion and suspension of disbelief. Oh well :shrug:. It is just a minor nitpick -- its your world, your rules, your sandbox after all.


I accept the criticism. The customer is always right, and an author arguing with a critic is in bad form.

Your comment calls to mind something that sometimes bugs me just a tad while I watch the show, though. You're right that Dash and the rest of the Mane Six are national assets. They're sort of like Equestria's nuclear stockpile, and they got a standing ovation Star Wars-style at the end of "The Return of Harmony" . . . so isn't it funny that in episodes like "Sweet and Elite," nopony, even amongst the high society, knows who they are? They save the nation and the world twice over, but then they go happily back to being anonymous Ponyvillains. Heck, with undercover skillz like whatever they've got, even the mules might not know they're so important.

If I may, humbly and with much fear and trembling, offer a small attempt at a reply, I would point out that the Mule with No Name, our sociopathic protagonist, may be deadly and highly skilled, but he's not rational or emotionally stable. The dude's a basket-case who fantasizes about killing unarmed mares for telling tavern jokes. The Order of the Mule has a loose cannon in the ranks.

Okay, mid-air sword fight while plummeting to the earth from a near-orbital insertion?


805225 said... "If I may, humbly and with much fear and trembling, offer a small attempt at a reply, I would point out that the Mule with No Name, our sociopathic protagonist, may be deadly and highly skilled, but he's not rational or emotionally stable. The dude's a basket-case who fantasizes about killing unarmed mares for telling tavern jokes. The Order of the Mule has a loose cannon in the ranks."

Yeah, that's one of the most distinctive and entertaining things about your story. The Mule With No Name is not a good guy. Even among his fellow assassins, he stands out as being an extremely unlikable dude. The conflict between "he's the point of view character, I'm supposed to root for him!" and "this guy's an asshole!" makes for an interesting dynamic.

Personally, I'm looking forward to his antiheroic last stand against Celestia. Should be good times!


Yep. That's the best I got. It might be downhill from here . . . :derpytongue2:

Seriously, this is what I do. I use the shotgun approach to story composition. What do I think is awesome? Ponies piloting mechs against demons from hell? Yep, throw that in. Mules sword-fighting in midair during a high-altitude skydive? Okay, I can fit that somewhere, though I had to do some research for that one, and I've no doubt I still got some details wrong.

Seriously, I have a draft for a novel sitting on this very computer that is made up entirely of this type of stuff, a grisly, action-centered stew made from combining an overdose of magical girl cartoons with whatever it is that goes on in my head.

Based on your description there, it sounds like I lucked out while depicting the antihero. One false move and he'll end up being the character every reader loathes and wants to see dead . . . I better be very careful with what I do with him in the next chapter. Sounds like I escaped the Gary Stu pitfall, though, and that's hard to do when your protagonist is a first-person ninja.

Mule assassins packing enough explosives to make Michael Bay squee like a giddy fan girl? Kung fu sword fight in a HALO jump?!

I can't wait to see what happens next.

I believe I've mentioned my love of Jim Butcher's work. Given your proclivities, you might find him worth a look, too :twilightsmile:

Good work! I can't wait to see what happens next! I like how you incorporate the mules from the show like Mulia. Very clever. And making the background story for the MMM and the train ride, great.

Historically, it kind of is.


I'm kinda hoping even if the nameless "hero" fails in his quest, he ends up escaping. I'd really like to see a sequel, like the The Good, The Bad, and The Mule.

Betrayal! This is getting really good.

I thought the same thing too... Evil Overlord List #220 clearly states:
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

I put off reading the second chapter for weeks, the first one left such a mark on my soul. I don't even need to read it a second time to remember what happened.

I didn't understand a few technical points, like why they couldn't pressurize the cabin if they wanted to steer? I didn't end up needing to to follow the story, but I just thought I'd point that out it case there's going to be more situations like that in the future that might need more details.


Perhaps I'll revise it to make that detail clearer. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

How did you respond... so quickly?


Just happened to have the site open when I got the notification for a new comment. :pinkiehappy:

Actually, I was checking the stats on "Catching the Wind," my latest excursion into pony fanfic, which I wrote while procrastinating the next chapter of this one . . . *ahem* . . . :twilightblush:


Oh. Glad I caught you. :rainbowderp:

What are you doing, get back to work! :twilightangry2:


I support this motion, chancelor!

Needs much more mules!

Clearly, I can use this story as propaganda to have all the mules exterminated... and donkey's too, since they're needed to produce the filthy half-breeds! And we see that the evil aristocracy uses these secret killers to keep the workers subserviant!

*Helix the evil scientist adjusts his little fake mustache under his nose* Ach, und I can claim zhe mulez are de reason fur Germaney's loss in de var!

And in the ensuing madness, hatred and slaughter, I can easily release Lord Discord! MUWAH HA HA HA HA!!


805275 Too late! I already loath him and want to see him dead! He threatened Dashie. Dashie has been murdered too many times in fanfics already (I think I'm up to over 20 Dashie deaths or so), so I must slay him before he can kill her!

*Helix, the mad scientist ventures in with his trademark psychotic leer* Poor, foalish mules. If the whole issue was their infertility, why, they had but to ask me! The whole issue is simple chrosomomal nondysjunction at meiosis. A mere rearrangement of two chromosomes and they'd easily be able to produce foals of their own. Colt's-play for a super-genius geneticist such as myself! Why, I've managed to cross over half a dozen species multiple times! *he gestures to a tank in which an eerily familiar figure floats in miniature, looking like a jumble of various creatures parts' stuck together* My very first draconequus, for example...

Having mastered such wild genetic combinations, creating fertile offspring from species who are close cousins to each other is a snap! *at that, the thing in the tank snaps its talons and vanishes!* What the- Oh my. Well this presents a slight issue...


Ah, but he didn't kill Dashie! Just wait; you might be surprised at what I have planned . . . that is, assuming I find time to write, what with my eleven-hour workdays including Saturdays. I'm afraid the next chapter is delayed, though all of you deserve better.

903473 Pfft! Don't confuse me with details! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!! :trollestia:

This is a very interesting world you've got here. I take it "the Power" manifests as supernatural physical capabilities- pony magic channeled into donkey strength?

Granddam isn't a mule, though... but she trains mules. I wonder what she can do when she puts her mind to it...

I hate everything you're saying about Celestia. I put work into scientifically supporting the idea that she and Luna really do what they say they do, and I can't imagine her having assassins, indirectly or otherwise. Plus, how is it damaging that somepony has pictures of her eating cake? She's a princess- she probably spends at least ten percent of her time at celebrations or balls of one sort or another. Eating cake a lot (without eating lots of cake) is practically in the job description.

Pegasus-hair boots? I have to admit, that's pretty clever... and creepy at the same time, of course, to explain why such a simple solution isn't used by wingless ponies and so forth. But how does the grappling hook work? :rainbowhuh: For that matter, that combat could have been way more interesting. Rainbow Dash can fly as well as stand on clouds any way she likes, but our narrator can only use his feet. Being flipped would have dropped him all the way to the ground.

Now that I think about it... why does our hero's father know the way of the mule? He's a donkey. Who blabbed?

“Oh, yes,” Granddam answered, her voice dripping sarcasm, “and after we hybrids have taken control of the country, we will of course be able to bequeath happier lives to our children.”


You have my attention.

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