I write imaginary stories about cartoon horses.
It's not that Clovis and Harper hate their neighbors Night Light and Twilight Velvet. But they rather not want to hear about their daughter, Princess Twilight, so much.
Fortunately, they're signing their daughter up to be tested at the School for Gifted Unicorns. If she passes, they can finally have something to talk about for once.
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You have a really interesting narrative voice. While this story certainly wasn't perfect, it makes me want to see more from you. Keep practicing. I think you have the potential to be fantastic.
Also, one small typo:
I think that should be "advanced."
6238676 Wow, thanks! Nobody has ever said that to me before.
I don't really get this story. So her parents decide not to actually say, find other friends or perhaps talk to Twilights parents less or in a different set up (like tennis or watching local sports). Then they disregard their daughters obvious interests and skills and replace her with an idea, a kind of revenge doll to make them feel better.
It's disgusting. Which is great storywise since it means I'm engaged enough to care.
The ending seems strange through, it reads more like a middle. We don't know if the parents wised up or understand what they had tried to do.
For all that's shown they could well try that again or perhaps give up and then just stop talking to twilights parents.
Does that make sense?
This was uncomfortable to read, and I mean in a bad way.
The story actually isn't too bad. I think it has the right tone and it actually flows decently however it's only half a story, there's no ending, happy or sad it just kinda stops. There's a lot of potential for an interesting ending here. Maybe bring a chance meeting with Twilight into the story or even Celestia. A story needs highs and lows to engage the reader, the ending here would be a good point for a low in the story before it picks back up again.
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Would you guys like an epilogue? I like to end my stories abruptly, but I can add an epilogue if anyone doesn't mind.
6240974 For me it depends on what you were aiming for with the way you ended it.
If your aiming in particular for some kind of effect by the abrupt ending then maybe that can be made clearer with little changes. If what you wanted isn't all there as iit is then an epilogue would be great in tieing things up and placing some kind of conclusion to the story.
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I recommend it, because as it is, it really doesn't encapsulate the parents' failure, nor Twinkle's rise above them (assuming she does.)
This ending was so chock full of 🧀🌽 but I don't mind, would have been nice to see the conversation results.
The main issue as I see it is you kind of blew through this story so quickly, good premise to be sure, but maybe slow things down a touch. Otherwise, good story.