When a second chance arises, do you jump on the fleeting moment changing your fate forever, or do you let it pass?
For Ada, help called from Equestria leads her on a collision with a daemon of old, broken, defeated, and banished. Swiping the opportunity, she chooses to leave behind her old life in favor of trying to redeem a lost soul, who once tried to force the world into an eternal slumber. Ada must help Nightmare Moon in a journey to prevent evil from prevailing once more, and do so while facing prosecution from the world itself.
Art belongs to aurarrius from Deviant art.
Those who contributed to this story: RandomHamster33, Echo_Off, Terabye West, and JadeDusk.
10/27/19 Status: This story has been cancelled due to me having lost motivation in trying to fix the overall plot for it. I might decide in starting from the ground up to create a better story line for it that fits the bill to show improvement in my writing.
"it's believed that" - 'some believe' or 'I believe'. It's is too general, and implies a widespread belief meaning your protagonist is painted as rather ignorant.
Better. though technically NMM's eyes and cutie mark are turquoise.
6261048
Thank you.
Yeah, some people actually think her eyes are likely blue. Like, I've seen some images on Deviant Art where her eyes are likely blue, same would go with the crescent moon for her cutiemark.
Just like how people think how Vinyl's eyes are either red or magnate. There's still a debate rather what eye color she has.
6261071 it's a blue green thus turquiose. Heck the eyes is what gave some fans the theory that Chrysalis was actually Luna/Nightmare Moon trying a new trick.
6261096
You kidding me? Dang. I didn't even know about that. Man. There are some things that I don't even know about.
6261111 Personally disagree with it but was an interesting idea.
6261125
Yeah. I can understand that.
Mistakes:
1. It's 11:39 AM now.
You mean it's 11:39PM
2. If it were possible, I think I'd me more than happy to leave this world to make it to world where there's nothing but peace and harmony.
I think you mean "make it to the world" in that part.
3. Voices could be hard while walking deeper into the forest.
You misspelled "heard"
4. Why are you wanting to even help me?
I know that this is part of her speech, so I'm really worried if she said it like that. If not, shouldn't that be "Why are you helping me?" or "Why do you want to help me?"
You seem to take the criticism about the main character having a way too happy life to give up on it to heart and made some changes so that she would have a better reason for leaving it behind but without checking the rest of the story to make it consistent. Right after the dream about Nightmare Moon started there were contradictions all over the place in regards to the new beginning.
You kept the parts about her boyfriend and family.
I think the boyfriend part might be an acceptable mistake, but it contradicts the "friends that can hardly be considered friends" remark at the beginning. if he was an ex or someone she hasn't seen in a long time and has recently grown distant it would make more sense for that part. But the biggest contradiction is when she made her decision to become Nightmare Moon's reincarnation when she became briefly worried about her family and friends before deciding. Kind of a 180 for someone who didn't like the world anymore and have uncaring parents.
It looks like your editor didn't do that much editing besides helping you rewrite the character's personality. He should've made more effort in making sure that story stays consistent as well. Unless he did notice them and chose to ignore him. Anyway, I think that's it for the story criticism for now.
Personally, I think the change in Ada's personality is a bad idea because it seemed like you missed a good story point or minor drama dilemma where as Nightmare Moon she could've felt the dreams and nightmares of her family and friends worrying and then she has to learn dream walking powers to calm them down by explaining the situation... and, based on the last story's situation they would've been understanding except for the few that may want to come over but couldn't or set up some sort of deal where she talks to them occasionally on advice about life and stuff. Oh well, it's just some lost potential that's all.
6263804
Whelp, I fixed the mistakes.
Also, this story has potential in my eyes. You may not see it. But I see it.
You did good work with your rewriting!
The two big logical errors ('new life instead of loving family' and 'head directly to Ponyville instead of hiding and learn your power') are fixed. Not every author would do that.
I just hope that editing didn't destroy your plot line or something.
I'm eager to read the next chapter!
And yes, I also see the potential.
But there are still some small details you can improve:
Edit: Removed, because corrected and/or obsolete.
At last I recommend you to consider using the <hr> command (replace <and> with [and] ) to create an lingle line like below
instead of an number of 0's. Simply looks better. (For me. It's your choice.)
(If I'm exaggerating again just tell me and I'll stop (with correcting! Not with reading.))
6264853
Thanks for pointing those things out for me! I fixed the part where she has a loving family and boyfriend.
Oh! Those are multiple voices that she hears. It's not one voice talking to her.
And thanks for saying my story has Potential! It means a lot to me!
6264079
I'm just sad about the original route being gone now.
6265274
I understand. But everyone said that what was once in chapter one did not seem to fit correctly for the story. I mean, I wanted people to help me understand what had to be fixed to ensure the story would meet in the terms of what people like to read on here. Plus, I'm still working on the story with my friends.
I wasn't angry when I sent you that reply back to your comment on here. I'm trying to put out good decent stories for people to enjoy reading on here.
6265309
It's fine no need to worry about that it was just a comment explaining my feelings that's all. Just keep on writing the story the way you want.
This story is turning out pretty good. It was kind of rocky in its first chapter with how nonchalant the main girl character was reacting to all this, but I like the idea of a remorseful and broken Nightmare Moon being comforted and possibly given a second chance by a human girl. Can't wait to see ponyville's reaction to this human-turned-villain character. Will they be reasonable, or will they jump to conclusions?
sister hood? yay!...I think...
more please!
And what am I, chopped liver?
I guess it's okay if you don't want me helping. I'll just be on my merry way then.
6279519
What? No, Random! You're not chopped liver! We're still friends no matter what!
6279550
Well . . . okay, that's good.
But I feel kinda . . . rejected since I didn't even get a message or any sort of notice about this chapter.
6279580
I'm very sorry about this, Random. Now I feel sad about not sending you an invite about the second chapter of the story! Once chapter three is completed, I'll let you look at it.
I hate myself now....
6279588
No, no, don't hate yourself.
I'll try to be a better partner in this.
6279599
Ok......
I really do feel bad about this now. I wasn't ditching you or anything, Random! Honest! JadeDusk has helped me but you've also helped me in the story....
6279613
Yeah, I get that someone else has helped you as well. All I ask for is notification at least.
6279645
I promise I will do that!
6279674
THE FEEELSSS!!!!!
I laugh about Ada name because melayu word it mean "have".Don't blame me, blame the translation
I think you mean "It meant" right there.
I also think you mean "I had" in that sentence as well.
Okay, I really like the occasional mind slips in this one it shows that she and Nightmare really did merge together to exist but since Nightmare Moon is a being made of Luna's emotion Ada can come back in Nightmare Moon's body rather than a new one that represents her as the usual reincarnation. Because of this Ada now has to deal with Nightmare Moon's memories that came with the body and it's up to Ada as the reincarnated Nightmare to not let the body's memories control her actions as she's still her own person. Basically think of it as being the daughter of a parent with the parent's memories and habits.
I wonder if you can use this explanation for Twilight or Celestia when they figure out that Ada Nightmare Moon is different from normal Nightmare Moon.
nightmare got a nightmare about loosing nightmare.
more please!
Okay, why did Ada pass out?
6287709
You know how when person is transported into a new world, they hardly have any migraines after they've been sent to a new world? Well, that's what happened to her. She suffered less pain when she came to Equestria, but by the time she would progress in Equestria, the side effects would hit her hard. Which resulted in her collapse to the ground. Hope that's explains everything, Admiral.
6287736 no it doesn't.
6287770
Well, I've seen that happen in previous stories I've read on here.
Imagine if you were an asteroid. You plummeted to earth, you wake up with a small headache. It's like you never got hurt or sick ever. By the time the days go by, the side effects from crashing into earth finally take its tole on you. You develop a massive heache and other symptoms that will cause you to either pass out from the pain or you might feel sick to the core of your stomach. How about now, Admiral?
6287798 makes no sense to have it. None of my stories have it at all.
6287803
Either that, or Luna performed a dangerous spell that was trying to find where the disturbance of darkness was coming from which could of resulted in Ada to pass out all of a sudden.
That could the second theory of how she passed out. Other people might try to figure out. Plus, I'm sure people will try to figure out who the voice is eventually that talks to Ada.
6287770
It's a delayed recoil effect, like if there was a huge explosion that went off in the distance and a few seconds later you could feel the shockwave from the blast reach you.
6287836
Yep. That's what it was like for Ada.
Don't you mean "Eaten" in this exclamation?
Okay that was weird, having to travel through a couple of nightmares before waking up. I felt more like she was pulled into a dream rather than her body getting exhausted from everything that happened so far. Now I also felt like the "nightmare" before she woke up could've been her hub room for accessing other dreams. Anyway Ada is really something to consider Nightmare Moon her sister already but then again there is an expression saying "It's like he's/she's the brother/sister I never had." Though with her being so worried about Nightmare Moon when she's supposed to be her makes me worried how she's going to explain herself to the others when she meets them. In fact how is she going to go about redeeming herself to others if she doesn't confront them? I'm curious as to how she'll work that out.
Also, what do you mean you'll write more once the finals are over? By the second half of this month most college students should be getting ready to go to their respected colleges. Unless you're in Summer Class or something.... or that you're really serious that you won't write more until Winter Break.
6288663
I finished summer classes as of right now. I'll write more than before.
6289689
Ah so it is Summer, I can't wait to see where this story will go once you finished the finals in a couple weeks.
6290933
I actually finished all my summer exams. I finished my last one from when it was morning. Summer classes are already over. So now I can right more as of right now.
6290956
Oh okay then. I guess I'll wait eagerly for the next update.
Okay..., now that was surprising to find out that Starswirl was the one that started everything, it's just now a matter of why he wants her to help Nightmare Moon in the first place and get stronger. Is it because there's a stronger enemy on its way that needs her power?
two things that are connected. Honestly why would they need to search for any magic books. Nightmare Moon still has all her memeories os everything Luna knew she knows. so she should be able to teach Ada that magic she needs including different forms so they can finally go into Ponyville.
Looks good so far.
So did the Nightmare-Spirit carry Ada to the couch after she passed out?
I think I found a small typo:
You forgot the 'e'; see here.
6313723
Thanks for pointing that out! I fixed it.
Yeah. Nightmare's spirit carried Ada to the couch. Only she can do it because she is connected to Ada. I understand she is in spiritual form, but she can still do it.
6312444
You'll have to find that out in the future of the story, Admiral. I won't tell right now. That would ruin Nuray's current situation and the story plot.
6314685 but seriously it makes no sense. Nightmare did just forget everything. This is a huge plot stupidity thing. I want them to have that book. I get that. But they're are other methods and and goals to end up with that book. the place is full of hidden tunnels and rooms. So just exploring could have Ada end up in the same place and get that book.
more plz
Really enjoying this so far, can't wait for the next chapter
