• Member Since 8th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Friday

thenamless


Your typical Brony that loves chaos and fear. That is trying to please you with his writing.

E

(Story will be edited soon. Long description and title will change.)
I am a king.
A king who was love by his subjects. Best friends with two Alicorns. Two were going to have foals soon. While I had my own foal. A Adopted foal called Nightmare Moon.But...something happened. I got banish from the living. It was a misunderstanding. Banish by my two Alicorn friends. This left my third one heartbroken. This turned her evil. While my subjects cried for me. I hate seeming them like this.
I was soon forgotten.
I have watched the world go by. My daughter getting beaten. My two other Alicorn friends dying and letting their foals Celestia and Luna take over. Nightmare moon...King Sombra...Discord...etc... I have seen it all as it was all I can do.
However...I can feel myself returning. This spell can't keep me like this forever.
I will soon return to my kingdom...subjects...friends...and daughter.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 28 )

This is... onteresting. I will not rate it yet, I wish to see more before I do.

Your description abuses so many ellipses that it feels like I need to call the authorities. Seriously, get a grip on 'em. There's NINE ellipses in the space of six small paragraphs. That's way too many.

If you don't mind, here's what I'd suggest doing to the summary:

I am a king. A king who was loved by his subjects, friends with two alicorns with foals on the way. I had my own foal, an adopted foal named Nightmare Moon. But something happened. I was banished from the world of the living, over a misunderstanding. Banished by those I called friends. My daughter was heartbroken, and this embittered her heart while my subjects cried for me.

I was soon forgotten.

I have watched the world go by: the defeat of my daughter, the death of my friends, the rise of their daughters, the rise and fall of so many other would-be tyrants. But I feel the spell binding me weakening. I will soon return to my kingdom, my subjects, my friends... my daughter.

Three paragraphs that reduce clutter with only one ellipses.

I'd also suggest changing the name of the story. Maybe "The Return of the King" or "Kingship" or s/t. Your choice, you could even leave it as it is. I definitely will say if you leave it as is, you must capitalize it so: "An Old King Returns".

If you want I could go through the story itself and comment or PM you a review.

5417573
Thanks for reading the story and pointing out my mistakes.
Your opinion is noted and I may even take you up on your offer.

5419773 I have to agree with Commisar Rarity. The description could use some work, as there is just so many grammatical mistakes and it feels so clunky that it's just a major turn off for a lot of people. While the idea is really cool, it seems to lack grammar.

5421077
Yeah grammar! Heh...
I will get around to fixing it when I have time and it is not Christmas. Family...
However thank you for showing your opinion and as I said before 'noted!'

5421380 ohh yeah, Merry Christmas! I understand completely; have fun!:pinkiehappy:

5421380 Also, do you mind if I use your cover image in different works of mine as long as I give you credit? It gave me a couple of ideas that I want to try:twilightblush:

5423166
Go ahead!
Have fun!

It's an OK story so far!

Just one thing all the Sombra text you keep calling him a filly, he's a colt.

A young male horse is called a colt, not a filly.

5467966
My bad. I will fix it when I have the time.
Thanks for pointing it out. Also thanks to ShadowEclipse.

You know his name reminds me of the legend of zelda ocarina of time

good story in my books so keep it up :pinkiehappy:

DON'T DIE ON ME!*repeatedly slams hoofs on chest trying to preform CPR*

YES I AGREE WE DEMAND MORE CHAPTERS FOR THIS STORY
please:fluttercry:

5468256 this is a really great story make more chapters..........plz

This is amazing please make more

Aren't Nightmare Moon and Princess Luna the same person? I'm only asking because I don't see an alternate universe tag.

If you do not update, I will find you and I will Love and tolerate that shit out of you, put a bullet in your brain and then take all of your merchandise:pinkiecrazy:

7221876 nahhh just pull this at his face picturearchive.gunauction.com/1905200610/8746099/5a026596062333d264d077be3c0e9c96.jpg also you have the same kind of look with the profile and somone i know

Plz more, this looks good.

7108199
you can only have so many tags might not be room

This story is dead, isn’t it. Why do all the good ones die!!!!:raritydespair::raritydespair::raritydespair:

Only the best die young
You were very best TT__TT
An old german song from böhse Onkelz
A pity your Fans will always wait...

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