Gaylord The Decider
Joined 11th Sep, 2014 ·
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It's a good start. I'd like to see some more.
6119379 I will try my best to release more!
Not bad.
Thunderlane needs to keep his mind out of the gutter.
I shall await the next chapter.
6119827 Well what can he do Prince Artemis is sexy ;3
6122210 That doesn't excuse Thunderlane having his mind where it shouldn't be.
6122251 Haha that is true, but this is high school
6124179 That's still no excuse.
6124206 I'm not using it as an excuse. it does say this story is rated Teen and has some sexual themes.
6124226 That is true.
Well, hopefully things won't get too heated too quickly.
6124239 Just trying to make it a little funny.
6124239 Third chapter is up
Sup dude pretty good story so far, but if you don't mind some constructive criticism you use the words he, him, and his a lot. So when you're editing and find a sentence like that you could try to find a different way to say the same thing. Just a suggestion.
6137140 I'm trying not to narrate the story. so i use he, his etc and from the thoughts or dialogue i would think people would understand who I was referring to.
Sure why not....
6324144 What?
6330130
Err...
6333722 I can't know what it is unless you tell me.
>> Aqua the Dragon of Skies
Oh... I was just confused about where the chapter was going
6335028 Which one? The sixth one?
6335028 The sixth chapter was about their date and how they planned to see each other tomorrow.
>> Aqua the Dragon of Skies
Oh... that makes sense now.
6341352 Lol there you go.
Well...this chapter has COMPLETELY ruined my night. Wonderful.
6442572 I apologize. It was a flashback and it was supposed to be dark and sad.
Dude, this made my head hurt. Not to be rude, but your constant switching between 2nd person and 3rd person, plus the uses of past present and future tenses were very unorthodox. Its good for a read, and ill continue, but get someone to proof read and edit please. It'll do your story wonders
6792104
Ouch. Your comment would make the most lenient of Grammar Nazis want to hang themselves. If you're going to leave a comment criticizing someone else's syntax, you should at least learn how to punctuate your own comments first. xD
6138704
Look up how to do 2nd person view of stories. What you want to do it 2nd person, but your use of the terms of he are waaaay too much. Every sentence has it. Nearly every sentence starts with it. He/him is used too much, even for the use that you want it for. This is just a very long heeeeeeeeeeeeee
6793471 This coming from someone that has 0 stories on their profile... I understand that you are giving advice, but don't tell me how to write if you don't write yourself.
6796926 While this may be true, he may have written stories outside FimFiction? I'm not trying to come off as rude, but golly, you sure did.
Me however, am just like you. No life, and writing fics. Pals?
6792741 I've already got the noose! Wanna do it together?
I see you have a comedy tag for this. How about this?
"Ugh..." Thunderlane tossed and turned in his bed, trying to ignore the alarm clock of hate screaming at him for him to wake up.
I like to get very in depth with comedy sometimes.
I can relate. By the way, it's "Aw man!" not, "Awe man" BEHOLD, THE MIGHTY POWERS OF AWEMAN!
Capitalization.
Usually, you can put a comma there. Like so:
Now it was Thunderlane's fourth class, and it was one of the most despised classes at his school... HOME EC.
Side notes:
I like how the story is progressing so far in the first chapter, but the periods themselves seem a bit rushed. I was not a fan of the ringing that you signified. I can honestly say that Biology is really freaking boring. :)
i.imgur.com/TiuKnzs.png
This is what I meant by disliking the RING's in the first chapter. I feel like they were a bit excessively used, and could be used a lot less. But since you're so far into the story... I just hope you don't make the next mistake in your next stories. Use some detail to fill in some of the stuff. I want a long read, not a quickie. (Those are what one-shots are for, man.)
Hah, that's funny. I wouldn't want teachers roaming about in my mind. Also, capitalization would be real nice in this sentence.
Editors notes (I changed the name of it... I think.): Overall, I think you should proof read before you post. It would really help the fact that sentence capitalization is very prominent in your chapters. That, and keep cramming in details, but to a certain extent. After all, you want to keep the readers reading, and not sleeping!
Albeit, short. But I didn't really have to do much work this time around. Also, things are getting a bit saucy up in here I see.
By far, my favorite quote. However.
"Ah, crap baskets... I'll get my stuff and go."
Better.
Editor's Notes: Decent, but you could expand length
. Not that way, but in story way.
6442662
Dark and sad?
Yeah well, it kinda explains how my life is. Thanks for the feels.
Editors note: No note.
Nothing to quote.
Editors note: I see you write your clop like I write mine. Short and quick, eh? Heheh.
6800088 *drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels* Let's do this!
6801558 I hear bungee jumping off of a bridge with a rope around your neck is a good way. It's also pretty fun too.
6796926
That may be true but that doesn't make their argument any less valid. While in this case it may be easier to point fingers and cry out, "look at this untalented critic", you still need to look past your initial, and completely natural, defensiveness of your work and learn make peace with your mistakes and improve as a content creator.