Why are you always better than me?

Scootaloo is a teenager that is looking for her calling. Naturally starting within her favorite hobbies (writing, flying, racing, clearing clouds) she starts to see her best friend, Rainbow Dash, is better than her. Rainbow Dash brags about how awesome she is to Scootaloo's face and she starts to feel like she will never have a purpose.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Nikkori

Nikkori #1 · Jan 19th, 2016 · · · School Yard Fillies ·

Listen. If Scoots has a lot of lines, don't make huge dialogue pieces. Separate it like regular.

Gaylord The Decider

Gaylord The Decider #2 · Jan 19th, 2016 · · · School Yard Fillies ·

6850019 Scoots is telling the story. It's first person. It is also the first time I've written in first person and I wanted to separate the narration from the description.

Stardom Freedom

Stardom Freedom #3 · Jan 24th, 2016 · 1 · · Sad Memories ·

"Hello there, my name is Scootaloo, but you can just call me Scoots. I'd like to tell you all a story about my young life and what lead to my death."

I take it that you're writing in first-person. Never write in first-person and the main character has quotation marks around what they're saying. It just confuses the reader. Also, never start a story with something like, "I'd like to tell you all a story about my young life and what lead to my death." It just makes the reader think, "Boring! Onto the next fic!" Just start the story. Start with something mysterious, or something describing the setting and such. Something that welcomes interest into your fic.

People were just barely waking up from sweet, blissful sleep. A pegasus mare walking with an earth stallion down the street.

Huh? You said people. How can a Pegasus and an Earth Pony be a person? Also, "was" should be in between "mare" and "walking". Otherwise, it's just a fragment.

"It would seem that young couple would be my parents, but I don't know if they are or if my parents are still alive somewhere. Since I'm dead I don't see my parents up here or anywhere."

No need for the quotation marks.

The young couple are laying in their bed talking about the possibility of having a family of their own.

The sentence should be, "The young couple was laying in their bed, talking about the possibility of having a family of their own."

"Sigh I wish I could fly... It would have been c-cool to j-just be able to DO WHAT A PEGASUS IS SUPPOSED TO DO! Now all I can do is watch all these other pegasus ponies fly while I cry because I failed."

No need for quotation marks. Also, "Sigh" is not needed.

"I guess from right at this moment I am being created if these are my parents."

It should be, "I guess, from right at this moment, I am being created if these are my parents."

Nine months later the couple are in the emergency room at the hospital.

There should be a comma after "later".

The stallion is holding his marefriends hand as she screams in pain trying to give birth to their foal.

"Marefriends" should be "marefriend's", and "screams" should be "screamed".

Not knowing what to do he starts running home carrying his young filly in his arms.

There should be a comma after "do", and a comma after "home".

"So... that is what happened to my mom? Why can't I find her up here? Mom Where are you?"

No need for quotation marks. Also, "that" should be "this", and "where" shouldn't be capitalized.

After some time the stallion would start working again and he would have one of his marefriends' friends foal sit while he went to work.

"Marefriends'" should be "marefriend's", and "foal sit" should be "foalsit".

One day though the foal sitter was busy and the stallion left for work since his boss called him in to work personally.

It should be, "One day, though, the foalsitter was busy, and the stallion left for work since his boss called him in to work personally."

"That was the saddest day of my young life. There was an accident at my dad's work and his injuries were so bad that he died from it. from that point on I was all alone until I met two other fillies at school."

No need for quotation marks, and "from" should be capitalized.

Overall, this story has potential, you seem to have great ideas, and I like this fic, but you need to work on your grammar. I will review your next chapter later. I hope my constructive criticism was helpful.