• Member Since 7th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 27th, 2015

Twilight Nightmare


Kind of new to Pony Fanfiction and though I originally made this account for reading, I really want to try writing some.

Comments ( 92 )

I enjoyed this. You took what easily could have been uninspired fetish-fiction and created an interesting and genius concept. I can't say why so many people downvoted it, but know you have my like.

It caught my attention. Will twilight become friends with the human versions of the others main five here?
And will they be far better friends then the ones she had back in hr old home.

5857732 Thanks, we want to make a somewhat serious story despite the few jokes that may be tossed in here and there. I kind of hope that maybe the upvotes will eventually outnumber the downvotes, but I'm not too sure at this rate. Either way, as long as we do have people enjoying the story we will keep working on it. Thank you very much for being one of the ones who do like it :twilightsmile:


5858257 Sadly, I really believed people would actually give the story a chance if I pointed out clearly that this was not a sex story (clop) for the sake of it and won't really contain any of it in it. Though I have to wonder if some of the downvotes are people mad because I refuse to outright work on explicit scenes even if it is a collaboration. That's all true also, about some great stories sometimes being looked down on because of their source material. My GF says the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo is an awesome story yet it's one I haven't seen yet. (Maybe I should see about getting it for us since she said she liked it.) I just wanted to make sure that the warnings were there and clear for the people (however unlikely, but possible) that had been through similar things so it wouldn't bring back bad memories or trigger flashbacks or anything if they found there way here and decided to read the story. I'm really happy that you are going to give the story a chance though and we both hope that you end up enjoying the story, thank you. :twilightsmile:

5860036 Twilight will get to know the human counterparts of her old friends, but she probably won't get as close to them at first, but maybe after awhile. I can say for a fact that they will be far better friends no matter if they become very close or not, especially once they find out the truth. I'm glad that you are giving this story a chance and I really hope that you enjoy it. :twilightsmile:

I'm really interested in seeing how this story goes. I'm pretty sure that eventually you'll get more upvotes, i've seen it happen before with other stories and they always recover. The only thing i can recommend is that you take some details out of the description to make it shorter. Less detail leads to more curiosity.

The set up here is interesting enough though. And i especially like the ideas of twilight falling into the human world only to be kidnapped immediately , along with celestia right off the bat regretting what she did.

I guess all i got to sayis that this looks good, it has potential, and I'm looking forward to more from this.:twilightsmile:

Nice to see this idea take off. :twilightsmile: I'm very curious how this version will one will go. Keep up the good work! :pinkiehappy:

5861050 Thanks, I really hope the upvotes eventually out number the downvotes. I'm talking to my GF about perhaps shortening the description some which we probably will work on doing later today. I'm glad you like the set up with Twilight stumbling through at the wrong time to be kidnapped before she even figures out what happened. Hope the story lives up to it's potential enough that you enjoy it, thanks. :twilightsmile:

5861530 Thanks, I'm really happy that you are enjoying it :twilightsmile:

5864585 I'm sure it will live up. And from what i see the upvotes are increasing So i think they'll surpass the downvotes soon. As for those, it was probably A troll spike, or something like that.

5864597 It is getting closer to being equal at least, yay. I'm happy that you think it will live up to its potential, thanks again :twilightsmile:

Wow, I was expecting Tirek to be as evil as he is here, but I wasn't expecting him to punish any of the girls that disobey him by whipping them. I feel pretty bad for Scar right now

I’ll keep the girls away from her and keep my guys from bothering her too much, but in exchange you tale full responsibility. If she causes any trouble at all, you will take her punishment. Am I clear?”

That's pretty ominous...

“You can stay here tonight, nobody will bother you. If I have a client tonight, I’ll take them to your room.” Sunset sighed, “I’ll show you something, but you have to put it back when you finish with it and not let anybody see it.”

Iron Will, he’s one of the nicer guys here, gave me what is called a tablet in this world.

Sunset I know you're just trying to cheer Twilight up, but letting her use that tablet is not a good idea. Considering how absorbed Twilight gets when she starts reading, she probably won't notice if someone sees her with it and then you'll both be insome serious trouble.

I happened upon a couple errors while reading, so if it's alright with you I'll send a PM later after I make an error list.

5865815

Wow, I was expecting Tirek to be as evil as he is here, but I wasn't expecting him to punish any of the girls that disobey him by whipping them. I feel pretty bad for Scar right now

Sadly Tirek is that evil, and more so going as far as to murder those who gets in his way.

That's pretty ominous...

Sorry, that should have been 'take' and its fixed now, thank you so much. Things will get a little worse for the two, but better soon as well.

Sunset I know you're just trying to cheer Twilight up, but letting her use that tablet is not a good idea. Considering how absorbed Twilight gets when she starts reading, she probably won't notice if someone sees her with it and then you'll both be in some serious trouble.

Sadly Sunset doesn't know that yet, and it could very well turn out to be a mistake. She may lose one of her very few possessions and pay the price for it as well. (Really hadn't planned on that, but it could help a lot in the next chapter, thanks.)

I happened upon a couple errors while reading, so if it's alright with you I'll send a PM later after I make an error list.

Thank you so much, I already fixed the one mistake you pointed out :twilightsmile:

5866034

Thank you so much, I already fixed the one mistake you pointed out

Alright then, the list should get sent within an hour or so.

Interesting with it being big mac. Got a very big feeling that he is involved in the with the plot. I'm very curious how this will go. :twilightsmile:

Interesting. Silver shot and sombra will get their punishment at some point. :rainbowdetermined2: very sad loosing the tablet so quickly, I was expecting that to happen at least in 2-4 chapters. :applecry: very curious that Sunset didn't tell her about meat, but then again it was probably best that she didn't since that would be part of her many different foods she would have to eat. Another good chapter, can't wait for the next bunch and eventually getting through the first arc. :twilightsmile:

5867293 Thanks, and yep he will be very important son and will be in the story off and on. Hope you enjoy it :twilightsmile:


5867371 They will, and we did debate on her keeping the tablet a little longer, but decided to go ahead and do it so the first arc didn't draw out any more than it had to. Sunset was actually trying to avoid the meat discussion until Twilight had actually tried it more and had different types like Sunset did before finding out what it was. She was hoping this way Twilight wouldn't make a scene at a meal and cause them trouble, but sadly it backfired on her. We are hoping to get another chapter up tomorrow at the least, if we get enough time to work together on this we might even get 2 more out like today. This arc will likely have 3 to 4 more chapters left depending on how things go. Hope you enjoy the story :twilightsmile:

Aww and there's the change to the plot. I'm guessing that it's up to Mac, granny smith and who knows what else. :twilightsmile: Also it's nice going back and seeing what is happening on the other side. Guessing Sunset being Celestia's daughter in this fic. Though curious on why sent to the orphanage at one point. Anyway can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

5870113

Aww and there's the change to the plot. I'm guessing that it's up to Mac, granny smith and who knows what else. :twilightsmile: Also it's nice going back and seeing what is happening on the other side. Guessing Sunset being Celestia's daughter in this fic. Though curious on why sent to the orphanage at one point. Anyway can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

Mac will be the start of it, though he won't actually be one of the ones who goes in after them. He will be the one responsible for it though. :twilightsmile: And yep, I think in most of my headcanons Sunset is actually Celestia's daughter. For most, including this story Sunset was given up because Celestia his her pregnancy with glamours so no pony knew and the houses wouldn't be going after Sunset trying to use her to get things they want through her since it was going to be a horrible time for something like this to be happening. As much as Celestia had faith that Luna could be redeemed, she was still afraid Nightmare Moon would not be stopped at first and could possibly go after Sunset. Only reason Celestia took her in as a student was because it did allow her to spend time with her as she needed some pony extremely powerful to train her in her use of magic as her power surpassed many of the teachers when she was only a foal. I hope you continue enjoying the story, if things go as planned there are two chapters left in this arc :twilightsmile:

“Now throw that useless shit in the trash can and get out of my office. You are walking on thin ice, Lotus. You may be my favorite, but you aren’t replaceable.”

Man Tirek, I know you're evil, but that entire scene with the tablet was a real d*** move to pull. irreplaceable*

“Still, I should have heard someone coming. I just get so lost in a book.” Twilight said, “I read about eight of them before I was caught.”

“How in the hell…no, I don’t want to know.” Sunset said

Good call Sunset. Asking Twilight how she can possibly read almost eight full books in the span of... I want to say something like 4-5hrs maybe, is like asking Pinkie how she does anything, it's just not a good idea.

Sunset guessed she really should have checked that when she had to teach Twilight how to even put the thing on which was a little embarrassing. She wasn’t sure if it was the drugs in her system starting to take effect or her hormones, but she felt a little attraction to the girl which is something that she had never really felt for the others to that degree before. She actually thought Twilight was cute, and not just in a sexual way. No, definitely not in that way as in that way she found the girl hot which bothered her even more.

Whoa, jumping on the SunLight express kinda quickly there aren't you Sunset? do you have somewhere important you need to be?

Unlike the night before, Twilight woke up next to Sunset again with the fiery girl spooning her and sleeping deeply still.

... Well wherever your destination is, you're definitely getting there in record time.

Honey, what I saw when I came in to get her wasn’t friendship. That girl loves you, and if you care for her at all, you better make sure you don’t cause any more problems.

Makin' a lot of assumptions there, Scar. It could just be a crush for all you know. (We all know it isn't, but still.)

I was not expecting the scene where the idiot goons punish Sunset to be that intense. Not that I have a problem with that, it's just that what happened to her in relation to what got them in trouble seems kinda disproportionate. (Then again, those scumbags have probably been looking for an excuse to do that for years, so they most certainly didn't care.)

Onwards towards the next chapter.

5870715

Man Tirek, I know you're evil, but that entire scene with the tablet was a real d*** move to pull. irreplaceable*

Tirek is a sadistic bastard who will pay for what he's done very soon. (And thanks for pointing that out, it's fixed.) :twilightsmile:

Good call Sunset. Asking Twilight how she can possibly read almost eight full books in the span of... I want to say something like 4-5hrs maybe, is like asking Pinkie how she does anything, it's just not a good idea.

It's deffinately Twilight's bit of Pinkiness, and a little bit of humor wanted to put in to break up some of the bad stuff they are dealing with.

Whoa, jumping on the SunLight express kinda quickly there aren't you Sunset? do you have somewhere important you need to be?

Maybe a bit, but to be fair to her she did have a crush on Twilight to some extent before coming to the human world. Still, she's not so sure if it's the drugs starting to effect her or not, even if she hasn't had the newest doses of it.

... Well wherever your destination is, you're definitely getting there in record time.

Sunset thought she made a cute plushie, plus the comfort they provided each other just by being there with each other. (Still, maybe she is moving a bit too fast)

Makin' a lot of assumptions there, Scar. It could just be a crush for all you know. (We all know it isn't, but still.)

I was not expecting the scene where the idiot goons punish Sunset to be that intense. Not that I have a problem with that, it's just that what happened to her in relation to what got them in trouble seems kinda disproportionate. (Then again, those scumbags have probably been looking for an excuse to do that for years, so they most certainly didn't care.)

True, should I edit it or anything in the chapter to make it a little better?

And they were deffinately waiting for a long time to have a go at Sunset as they hate her seeing that at times Tirek treats her better than them. (At times anyways, as he doesn't care much about his cronies either except for Sombra who is like a brother to him.) He sometimes treats Sunset better as she's his biggest money maker, even with Silver Shot and knives taking care of the drug dealing they don't make what Sunset brings in.

Onwards towards the next chapter.

I really hope you enjoy it :twilightsmile:

“You bucking well should have! My daughter is who knows where because you thought it would be a good idea to leave it mostly unguarded!” Velvet screamed at the Princess, Night Light having to hold her back to keep her from attacking Celestia.

I know this is supposed to be taken seriously, but this line is so perfect I very nearly broke down into a laughing fit after reading it.:rainbowlaugh:

In her mind that was bullshit because her mother came back and took her as a student and treated her only as a student. Her mother didn’t want her, that was all there was to it. She threw herself in her studies when she found out* trying to show her mother she was worthy of being called daughter, yet it was never good enough. Nothing was ever good enough for the Princess…

*I think there should be a comma here.
Damn it Celestia, I know you most likely had your reasons for that one, but can you please stop holding the Idiot Ball so close to your chest? You had literally one thing that you needed to do in that situation and you still chose to do the exact opposite?! I mean come on! (Pointing out how dumb Tia can be at times is still really fun to do.)

“What do you mean cared?” Twilight sniffed, feeling a little jealous of Sunset actually liking one of the guys who she had been forced to be with. She tried to push it back down though as she didn’t understand why she was feeling jealous of it as it was something neither of them could help.

Now Twilight being jealous about this makes sense to me. Imminent crush aside, Sunset is basically her security blanket since she's the only person actually making an effort to help Twilight through this hell that they've both found themselves trapped in. So it makes sense that, no matter how irrational/impossible it is, the thought that there might be someone Sunset likes enough to actually look forward to spending time with, instead of spending all of her time with Twilight, makes her worry that she's going to be left behind. (Need I mention how fresh the whole wedding fiasco is in Twilight's mind.)

“Are you saying that somebody is forcing you girls to do this?” Mac asked in horror at the realization of what he had been really doing with Lotus. The girl had been forced to be with him as this girl was being forced to. He had raped Lotus! He was just as big a monster as the bastards who were running this place if this was true.

... I honestly can't figure out what to say about the entire scen after Mac wins the auction. The way Twilight started to break down into tears and yet still tried to force herself to go through with it just so she could keep Sunset from getting hurt again, and the way Mac completely shut down after he learned the truth about the Lotus Blossom (Man, Tirek really has a thing for flowers, doesn't he?) and bolted when Twilight still tried to get him to sleep with her because she didn't believe he'd lie about sleeping with her to keep them out of trouble... I image that is the reaction you were looking for, so good job I guess? That's about all I can say about it.

5870935

I know this is supposed to be taken seriously, but this line is so perfect I very nearly broke down into a laughing fit after reading it.:rainbowlaugh:

You know, reading it again I can definitely see how it's kind of funny, the image of Velvet wanting to strangle Tie with her bare hooves if kind of funny :twilightsmile:

*I think there should be a comma here.

Damn it Celestia, I know you most likely had your reasons for that one, but can you please stop holding the Idiot Ball so close to your chest? You had literally one thing that you needed to do in that situation and you still chose to do the exact opposite?! I mean come on! (Pointing out how dumb Tia can be at times is still really fun to do.)

I fixed the comma, thanks :twilightsmile: It is always kind of fun pointing out how Tia can mess up sometimes, the idiot ball likely superglued to her hooves lol :twilightsmile:

Now Twilight being jealous about this makes sense to me. Imminent crush aside, Sunset is basically her security blanket since she's the only person actually making an effort to help Twilight through this hell that they've both found themselves trapped in. So it makes sense that, no matter how irrational/impossible it is, the thought that there might be someone Sunset likes enough to actually look forward to spending time with, instead of spending all of her time with Twilight, makes her worry that she's going to be left behind. (Need I mention how fresh the whole wedding fiasco is in Twilight's mind.)

I'm glad it made sense, I wasn't too sure if I made it clear how scared Twilight was of losing Sunset as she's all she knows here. Sunset would never actually abandon Twilight though no matter how much she might fear it could happen, especially with the wedding fiasco like you mentioned just happening recently.

... I honestly can't figure out what to say about the entire scen after Mac wins the auction. The way Twilight started to break down into tears and yet still tried to force herself to go through with it just so she could keep Sunset from getting hurt again, and the way Mac completely shut down after he learned the truth about the Lotus Blossom (Man, Tirek really has a thing for flowers, doesn't he?) and bolted when Twilight still tried to get him to sleep with her because she didn't believe he'd lie about sleeping with her to keep them out of trouble... I image that is the reaction you were looking for, so good job I guess? That's about all I can say about it.

Actually, my GF was behind a lot of this scene directing it as well as some of the things you suggested (unless I remembered them wrong as it happens more often than I like). She said it's to show that Twilight is willing to do anything to keep Sunset from being hurt again, but Mac can't bring himself to since she's clearly not wanting to and he's freaking out learning that they are prisoners there as well as realizing Sunset (or Lotus as he knows her) was being forced to do everything. He's supposedly scared and unsure of what to do wanting to help them, a part of him wanting to storm the place, yet knowing if they are capable of this who knows what else can happen.

And yep, there is a flower theme going on as Tirek named the club the Lotus Blossom naming his head girl Lotus and changing the other's names (except for Ivy who is actually named that) to match the theme of the club making fake ideas in case they are asked for them.

If this makes sense anyways.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter for the most part and if you have any suggestins feel free to let me know and we will try to fix it up, or at the least I'll try to...:twilightsmile:

Intersting concept. Sunset hasn't turned all evil crazy here.

Is this fic not related to Equestria Girls? To put it in better words, is Equestria Girls not canon here?

Either way, I'll enjoy this fanfic, hope to see more.

5874078 Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. In the story Sunset was actually taken before she could attend CHS and life at the Lotus Blossom has changed her drastically. It is alternate Universe so the events of the first movie won't happen and the second movie won't have anything at all to do with it thanks to the changed rules of the Mirror. Happy that you enjoy the fic and more characters from the EG world will be introduced shortly as I will be posting the rest of the first arc soon which introduces even more of them. And starting next arc they will be going to school soon so hope you keep enjoying the story, thank you :twilightsmile:

You know, I think you are going a little bit too much with the info dumps here. I believe there are a bit unnecessary and could be better done formulated into the story at a later point down the road, so to speak.

5874715 I can try to do better with it, but could you perhaps give me an example as I'm not a hundred percent sure of what you mean? If there is a way to improve things, even if its just future chapter or future stories, I would really appreciate the advice and help. Thanks :twilightsmile:

I'm not sure if this was intentional or not considering Twilight was going through an emotional breakdown at the time

Twilight said, her voice cracking. “Please don’ leave us here, Shiny. Please!”

but there isn't a t at the end of don't here.

And I noticed this one towards the end of the section where Shining calls Cadence for help

“What do you want me to do?” cadence sighed.

you didn't capitalize Cadence.

Somehow I honestly didn't expect Shining to be the cop to go check the Lotus Blossom to verify Macs claims that the girls there are being held against their will. (Dumb mistake on my part, of course Shining would be the only cop in the precinct to believe Mac.) But man, that whole scene when he took Twilight down to her room to talk was just sad to read, especially considering what happened to Twilight right after he promised her he'd be back to get her and the other girls out of that hell hole. (If only he left a few minutes later...)

Onwards towards the next chapter.

5874803

I'm not sure if this was intentional or not considering Twilight was going through an emotional breakdown at the time

Nope, it was just a typo, I fixed them both thank you very much :twilightsmile:

Somehow I honestly didn't expect Shining to be the cop to go check the Lotus Blossom to verify Macs claims that the girls there are being held against their will. (Dumb mistake on my part, of course Shining would be the only cop in the precinct to believe Mac.) But man, that whole scene when he took Twilight down to her room to talk was just sad to read, especially considering what happened to Twilight right after he promised her he'd be back to get her and the other girls out of that hell hole. (If only he left a few minutes later...)

If only he did leave a few minutes later as he's going to really regret leaving when he did. Sadly, Shining was the only one to actually look into Mac's claims because of the chief being one of the actual VIP members of the club though he wasn't there to see Twilight, though he probably wouldn't really care if he did. He will be getting in a lot of trouble as will several others who looked the other way letting Tirek get away with the things he did. Thank you so much for pointing out the errors and helping fix everything up :twilightsmile:

So first off I need to say I really like how you have Cadence and Chrysalis as buddies here, it was pretty fun to see them interact with one another.

“Sunset Shimmer.” Sunset said, Cadence’s eyes widening making Sunset wonder just what was going on.

I think I know where this is going.

“Honey, I’m going to pay for this. If anybody even hints that you do that, you tell me. I’ll cut their nuts off.” Cadence said, sounding deathly serious.

Good on you Cadence. Just because your pony self is the Princess of Love doesn't mean you have to be a good person to everyone.

“She’ll do it to. You should have seen what happened to the poor bastard who kept hitting on her sister-in-law and wouldn’t get the message.” Chrys said with a shark like grin, almost giggling. “I still remember him begging her to let go.”

Why do I get the distinct feeling that I know exactly who it was that kept hitting on (H)Twilight?

Shining Armor said, all of his anger leaving him as he took a step back and collapsed in the chair behind him. “She’s Twily’s exact copy, Twilight’s twin. There’s no way in hell you are going to tell me that she didn’t have a twin.”

“Your wrong, you have to be!” Velvet sobbed out, looking up at Shining Armor while shaking her head. Her eyes were full of hope that he was lying, yet something else was there also. “She died, Shiny.”

... Well that was unexpected.

“So Sunset, do you feel up to talking about what happened to you?” Cadence asked softly as Sunset swallowed yet another bite of the syrupy coated goodness.

...Ok Cadence, there are several things wrong with what you just asked. First. There was obviously a 95% chance that sking that would make Sunset not want to eat anymore of the first real meal she's had in maybe five years. (She could have still gotten normal food when she was too young to 'work' but still.) Second. Sunset has been trapped as a sex slave for the past five years, so maybe give her at least a day to enjoy being free before you start with that.(I can't imagine they'd need the information immediately right? There'd probably be at least a couple days before knowing exactly what happened at the Lotus Blossom would be needed. But then again I have no idea how the legal system works, so I'm most likely wrong there.) and Third. You are currently in a public restaurant (That I'm going to assume is an iHop or Denny's) and you just asked Sunset (who again, was a sex slave for the past five years) if she feels up to explaining what has happened to her in the brothel she was being forced to work at for the last five years... I think this one speaks for itself.

5874741 Well, you could start by not telling us stuff that is related to the story in such a detailed manner. I did that mistake myself and boy, was that stupid. I understand there is a need for us to understand things in this story, but being given the info in the comments feels a bit off. A lighter detailing seem a bit better.

In-story, it can be as simple as psychology. Some people aren't always forthcoming with their motives and when they talk, it can be in veils of telling the truth in a manner that can interpreted in another matter. It's something that makes a story interesting in itself, letting the readers try to figure something out themselves. Done right, it's good reading. Several things are already out there in your story. I would recommend taking a look at the stuff you haven't revealed and make them stay that way for a while until it becomes relevant in the story. Or you could always make a certain fact revealed now as something small and in the background and make it become important later on.

There are many ways you can do it.

5874741 5875007
I agree with Brawny Steed. He put it a lot better then I ever would have been able to.

5875002

So first off I need to say I really like how you have Cadence and Chrysalis as buddies here, it was pretty fun to see them interact with one another.

Thanks, instead of having them enemies here I wanted to make them friends as I'm pretty sure under different circumstances it could have actually happened in the pony world to :twilightsmile:

I think I know where this is going.

Most likely right lol (I really need to seperate my stories from my main head canon more to have a bit more variety for my next one at least.) :twilightsmile:

Good on you Cadence. Just because your pony self is the Princess of Love doesn't mean you have to be a good person to everyone.

I wanted to make human Cadence a little less loving to everyone though still loving the thought of romance so glad that worked out good lol :twilightsmile:

Why do I get the distinct feeling that I know exactly who it was that kept hitting on (H)Twilight?

Always a possibility :twilightsmile:

... Well that was unexpected.

Now this is a little similar to my second main head canon, though this time it isn't Trixie who is Twilight's twin but an actual identical twin who Twily will likely be forced to take her identity for now. Hopefully it will work out for her :twilightsmile:

...Ok Cadence, there are several things wrong with what you just asked. First. There was obviously a 95% chance that sking that would make Sunset not want to eat anymore of the first real meal she's had in maybe five years. (She could have still gotten normal food when she was too young to 'work' but still.) Second. Sunset has been trapped as a sex slave for the past five years, so maybe give her at least a day to enjoy being free before you start with that.(I can't imagine they'd need the information immediately right? There'd probably be at least a couple days before knowing exactly what happened at the Lotus Blossom would be needed. But then again I have no idea how the legal system works, so I'm most likely wrong there.) and Third. You are currently in a public restaurant (That I'm going to assume is an iHop or Denny's) and you just asked Sunset (who again, was a sex slave for the past five years) if she feels up to explaining what has happened to her in the brothel she was being forced to work at for the last five years... I think this one speaks for itself.

Cadence really did drop the ball a little here as she does care for helping Sunset, yet at the same time she's worried sick about Shiny and this doppleganger of Twilight's which led her to maybe push things a little soon hoping to get some of the information she needed. I honestly don't know much about the legal system, but my GF insists that if she makes it back to the FBI head quarters they will be less nice in their interrogation. (Though still not too sure.) Caddie really should have waited a little longer though since she has time before Luna comes to pick her up. (Though if you think it would be better to rewrite this let me know and I'll try and make it better) :twilightsmile:

5875007

Well, you could start by not telling us stuff that is related to the story in such a detailed manner. I did that mistake myself and boy, was that stupid. I understand there is a need for us to understand things in this story, but being given the info in the comments feels a bit off. A lighter detailing seem a bit better.

I think I might understand what you are talking about, I'm pretty much done with the next chapter thanks to the DDOS (Or however its spelled) attack yesterday, we've had a lot of time to work on this. I'll try for the following chapter to see if we can't try and pull back on the details that they actually talk about when they are talking and see if we can't get it to flow a bit better without saying too much, thanks :twilightsmile:

n-story, it can be as simple as psychology. Some people aren't always forthcoming with their motives and when they talk, it can be in veils of telling the truth in a manner that can interpreted in another matter. It's something that makes a story interesting in itself, letting the readers try to figure something out themselves. Done right, it's good reading. Several things are already out there in your story. I would recommend taking a look at the stuff you haven't revealed and make them stay that way for a while until it becomes relevant in the story. Or you could always make a certain fact revealed now as something small and in the background and make it become important later on.

So don't have them tell each other stiff so easily and make others work for it more? I'll try to hide motivations some more as we start the new chapter and see if we can't work that out and try and make it a little more mysterious. (I admit neither my GF or me are the best writers, but we are trying to do better.) I'll see if we can't figure out a way to make that chapter better, thank you very much :twilightsmile:

5875066 We will be working on the next chapter tomorrow, which will be based around Twilight and plan to try and use your advice some and see if we can't get it to flow better. If we can get it right we plan to possibly go back and rework some of the earlier chapters sometime when we finish the story. (Though my GF is really starting to wonder if she even wants to bother much as we are on the 7th chapter and the story seems to have more downvotes than upvotes which is getting her down some). I'm going to keep trying at least for awhile longer, though I don't want to cancel it. :twilightsmile:

“I don’t care, Luna. I don’t want my baby around that piece of trash! Caddie told me all about that girl being in charge of making Middy do those things!” Velvet snapped over the phone, once again refusing to listen to anything more.

I see that (H)Velvet isn't nearly as good at knowing who to lay the blame on for serious problems like this as (P)Velvet is.

“All I know is my baby girl is shattered and wants to go back to one of the people responsible!” Velvet hissed out before cutting the connection.

Although she does seem to be just as good at being furious at those that she deems to be 'the ones responsible' as (P)Velvet is.(Poor Sunset...) Also I see what you did there*
Also Velvet, I don't know what Cadence told you regarding Sunset and what she'd done for Twilight, but it's very obviously not what you heard.

She was chained up and her clothes ripped off before…

Why would you rip off her clothes Tirek? I know she wouldn't be able to wear the lingerie anywhere because of the scars, but surely it would have been a better idea to remove them normally without damaging them so that they could be reused by one of the other girls.

“This huge guy took a whip with pieces of glass and nails in it and he beat her with it. I’m surprised she survived.”

Okay the nails I can understand, but pieces of glass? How would you even get them to stay attached to the whip?

It would be good if You guys kept up with this, it's an interesting and rather darkish perspective of what could have happened, probably it's just too dark of a spin for most people, but I'd guess some of us are interested where You'll take the story.

I'd say that not everybody is up to take their mind down the darker paths on what is happening in societies.

And do I feel right that it'll take a few more chapters before our two equestrians meet up again?

5875809

Though my GF is really starting to wonder if she even wants to bother much as we are on the 7th chapter and the story seems to have more downvotes than upvotes which is getting her down some

I'm really sad to hear that your GF is starting to get discouraged because of the number of downvotes. Hopefully the numbers will pick up soon now that we're (probably) through the worst of the problems Twilight and Sunset will go through, and at the very least there are still people like me who are enjoying this story so far.

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I see that (H)Velvet isn't nearly as good at knowing who to lay the blame on for serious problems like this as (P)Velvet is.

Sadly she isn't, though she may be a bit better when Twily starts doing better.

Although she does seem to be just as good at being furious at those that she deems to be 'the ones responsible' as (P)Velvet is.(Poor Sunset...) Also I see what you did there*

Also Velvet, I don't know what Cadence told you regarding Sunset and what she'd done for Twilight, but it's very obviously not what you heard.

She can definitely be just as furious as the pony version, though sadly her mind latched onto the being 'responsible' part of Caddie's explanation and her mind twisted it to thinking Sunset was responsible for what happened to her. And with her shrink suggesting that its best to keep them seperated, Velvet is thinking the worse about Twily right now. Though that could change in the future :twilightsmile: (And yep, wanted to refrence the story's title :twilightsmile: )

Why would you rip off her clothes Tirek? I know she wouldn't be able to wear the lingerie anywhere because of the scars, but surely it would have been a better idea to remove normally without damaging them so that they could be reused by one of the other girls.

Tirek is definitely a monster, not really caring about having to buy more and likes to do things the dramatic way (as in what he did to Sunset's tablet). Maybe he will get to experience some of what he made them do when he's in prison :twilightsmile:

Okay the nails I can understand, but pieces of glass? How would you even get them to stay attached to the whip?

Sorry, I can go back and delete the glass bit. Kind of thought there was something about one of those whips with all the lashes being laced with different things like thorns, nails, and I thought glass used for torture, but I could be very wrong about that as I'm not really an expert on that stuff. (Really would be happy to leave the glass off if you think it would be best :twilightsmile: )

5875930 I hope that is and even if she does give up, which she isn't going to do right now, I plan to try and keep it going. I can understand why some people can be turned off by the content, but I really wish people would downvote the story because it wasn't written good or something other than because it's dark. (Really, I don't really understand that. I don't go around downvoting others stories because of their subject matter, I just simply don't read because it isn't my thing. But maybe I misunderstand the who upvote/downvote thing...)

I am glad that you are enjoying the chapter so far and yep it will be a few more chapters before Twily and Sunset meet up again sadly. But they will :twilightsmile:

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Kind of thought there was something about one of those whips with all the lashes being laced with different things like thorns, nails, and I thought glass used for torture, but I could be very wrong about that as I'm not really an expert on that stuff.

You might be right, but still I'm wondering if the glass wouldn't just break and get stuck in whoever you're using the whip on. Yeah, It would definitely get the point across, but it just doesn't seem very practical to me. (Maybe leaving out the bit with the glass would be best. Without actually knowing if that is a thing that happens or not, all I can think of is the image of one of Tireks goons going through all the whips and slowly gluing glass shards to them.)

5876039

You might be right, but still I'm wondering if the glass wouldn't just break and get stuck in whoever you're using the whip on. Yeah, It would definitely get the point across, but it just doesn't seem very practical to me. (Maybe leaving out the bit with the glass would be best. Without actually knowing if that is a thing that happens or not, all I can think of is the image of one of Tireks goons going through all the whips and slowly gluing glass shards to them.)

You have a point, that would take them forever to glue it to each one so took out the glass, thank you :twilightsmile:

I had my doubts when I started reading this story but, know cant wait for the next chapter. What I real like is the dynamic of story and it flows.

also read all the chapters in one sitting.

“Welcome home sis.” Twilight said pulling Midnight into a tight hug.

It's this last line that sticks out like a sore thumb. Just like that, she's told for the first time ever or something like that, that she has a twin sister and she pulls her into a hug. I don't think it works like that IRL.

...If you skipped that line, things might look a bit better.

5880663 Wow thank you, I'm really happy that you gave the story a chance and ended up liking it :twilightsmile:


5880686 I was kind of thinking that Cadence talked to her about it over Skype, but when you mentioned this kind of started thinking that if that happened then Twily would have surely called her parents or rushed home earlier, so you have a very good point so I left it off at Twily's joke, so thank you so much :twilightsmile:

‘Yeah, tell her that the emotionally destroyed girl was just raised by a nice older couple.’ Midnight scoffed to herself.

Ah, there's some of the good old snarky Twilight we all know and love.

“Can Sunset come?” Midnight asked, seeing her so called mother’s face harden at the request.
“You know your doctor said it was best that you have no contact with her after what you have been through.” Velvet said

So wait, was the doctors selective hearing just as bad as Velvet's?

“Middy.” Velvet sighed.

“Wait, what do you mean she was raped and beaten in front of you?” Night Light asked, his jaw dropping.

So Twilight just broke down and told them what happened when Sunset tried to protect her and Velvet's still just passing it off as her being crazy and not knowing what she's saying? Also Twilight, that probably would have been important information to have told them earlier when Velvet first started going off the deep end with the whole 'Sunset is the devil and was responsible for all the bad things that happened to you' thing.

Sure Lock used to say. When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?” Night Light said.

Clever one this line is. I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out where that reference was from until I read the name 'Sure Lock' really fast on accident.

“What I want to know is what do you have against this Sunset Shimmer?”
“She’s a…” Velvet started to say making Midnight scowl, but the woman was cut off before she could finish it.
“Unless you intend on calling our daughter that, I advise you to stop right there.”

Man, Night Light is really on the ball today with this stuff. At least there's someone in that house who has actually been listening to what Twilight's been saying. (Baring the 'I'm a talking purple unicorn from another dimension bit, because honestly, who would believe that?)


You really took Brawny Steed's advice to heart, didn't ya? I did really enjoy how competent Night Light was compared to certain others who were content to just label Twilight as nuts (I can't really blame them for that one though.) and seem to think Sunset is the bad guy and be done with it. (Until we learn why Velvet needs those pills, she's not off the hook for that one.) And it will be fun to see how (H)Twilight takes the news that she has a new 'sister' now. (If the Sparkles named their second kid Twilight and were going to name their third one Midnight, then shouldn't Shining have been named Dawn?) Man that joke was awful...

5882799

Ah, there's some of the good old snarky Twilight we all know and love.

Yep, she's starting to make a bit of a comeback though she's still unsure of herself.

So wait, was the doctors selective hearing just as bad as Velvet's?

Not entirely, the doctor thinks it's a bad idea for Twilight to be reminded about what happened so thinks it's best that Twilight stay away from anything that might remind of what happened to her for the time being. Of course, Velvet took it the wrong way.

So Twilight just broke down and told them what happened when Sunset tried to protect her and Velvet's still just passing it off as her being crazy and not knowing what she's saying? Also Twilight, that probably would have been important information to have told them earlier when Velvet first started going off the deep end with the whole 'Sunset is the devil and was responsible for all the bad things that happened to you' thing.

Yep, though Velvet does have her reasons so she's not really as coldhearted or mean as she seems right now. She's usually a lot better when taking her meds, but at times she has phases were she doesn't want to take them which ends up messing with her. Twilight actually had tried telling Velvet before, but she always shuts her down before getting two words out. She got lucky this time that they actually listened, and Night wasn't away at work or busy as he had been a lot which is why he actually trusted Velvet to get pony Twilight to the doctor. He still is trying to be there for her though as much as he can and isn't outright dismissing her claims. (If that makes sense lol)

Clever one this line is. I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out where that reference was from until I read the name 'Sure Lock' really fast on accident.

Thanks, it was actually a last minute thing we added in after looking up a premier date for the new Doctor Who season and seen something about Sherlock and thought it would make a great line. After all, a lot of the people in their family has sharp minds for one thing or another so why not make one of their ancestors one of the sharpest minded detectives lol :twilightsmile:

Man, Night Light is really on the ball today with this stuff. At least there's someone in that house who has actually been listening to what Twilight's been saying. (Baring the 'I'm a talking purple unicorn from another dimension bit, because honestly, who would believe that?)

Yep, he really does care for Middy and he always tries to keep an open mind and believes that just because something can't be easily explained that it can't be possible. Sadly he is the only one who even remotely thinks its true, though even though he suspects it may very well be a possibility he still views pony Twilight as his daughter. :twilightsmile:

You really took Brawny Steed's advice to heart, didn't ya? I did really enjoy how competent Night Light was compared to certain others who were content to just label Twilight as nuts (I can't really blame them for that one though.) and seem to think Sunset is the bad guy and be done with it. (Until we learn why Velvet needs those pills, she's not off the hook for that one.) And it will be fun to see how (H)Twilight takes the news that she has a new 'sister' now. (If the Sparkles named their second kid Twilight and were going to name their third one Midnight, then shouldn't Shining have been named Dawn?) Man that joke was awful...

I'm trying to, but it's honestly very difficult to figure out when it's okay to hide something and cut back on dialouge and when to put it all in to make the story flow well. I'm happy that you liked Night Light in the story so far, and it's true he doesn't outright blame Sunset really though what little he has heard didn't paint her in a good light until now. He's going to make time for sure to go personally visit Luna though and find out just what exactly is going on as he's realizing it was a mistake to leave Velvet in charge of that in her current condition. And actually Feather Flyer suggested Dawn for Middy's name, but my GF insisted we use Midnight so in the end let her name Twilight for this story. Though Dawn, Twilight and Midnight would have been awesome names lol. Maybe a story with Shining being a girl as well with those names in the future should be made lol :twilightsmile:

(Oh, if you or anybody else wants to really know what's wrong with Velvet, message me and I'll explain :twilightsmile: )

Very interesting story. Favored right away!

“Well hey there cutie, are you new here?” Braeburn asked.
“She’s too young for you cuz, she’s my friend.” Applejack said, glaring at the newcomer.
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with admiring such a beauty is there?” Braeburn asked making Sunset shiver a little.

Good job continuing to hit on the girl you were just told was underage Braeburn...

The self conscious way she looked, the way she shied away from the men of the family when they were around, the way she had tried to work in the fields wearing those baggy clothes. It was painting a very bad picture in Applejack’s mind as she started putting pieces of the puzzle together.

AJ, I know where you're going with this, so please don't say what you're thinking.

“Oh Lord, Mac you didn’t!” Applejack hissed out at her brother. “You, did you? Did you…you raped her?”

Damn it AJ... You and your (technically correct) assumptions and complete inability to think something without saying it out loud...

“I was going to head out and meet up with my friends soon and wanted to know if you wanted to come.” Twilight asked, hoping that Midnight agreed.

Hoo boy, better grab a seat and some popcorn for this pyrotechnics show.

“I don’t know.” Midnight sighed, though Twilight could tell that she was once again holding something back. “I don’t really feel up to trying to make friends with a bunch of people I don’t know.”

*laughs maniacally* Oh you have no idea how wrong that statement is (P)Twilight, you have no idea...

“I’ll tell you what, you get mom to let me go out without her and I’ll go.”
Twilight almost felt as if she should feel bad about this, she really did.
“That’s good because I already talked her into it.” Twilight said witch a cheeky grin, watching Midnight’s jaw drop.

(H)Twilight you magnificent wizard! You planned out all of (P)Twilight's moves ahead of time, didn't you? (I really should add both versions of Twilight's name into my auto correct considering how much I need to use them.)

“Well, it somehow got out in the prison about what Tirek had done and he had been attacked a couple times and let’s just say he knows what it’s like now.”

You see Tirek, unlike you, even convicted felons have standards.

“I am not going in there with them!” Midnight hissed after being taken to this world’s Sugar Cube Corner, backing away from the door after seeing Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie sitting at a table inside.
“Middy, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked, worried at seeing the angry yet frightened look on her sister’s face.
“I don’t want to see those backstabbing traitors!” Midnight hissed, looking about ready to cry as she started walking away.

Called it! Now excuse me while I enjoy my popcorn.

5884226 Wow thank you, happy that you enjoyed it :twilightsmile:

5884290

Good job continuing to hit on the girl you were just told was underage Braeburn...

Yep, Braeburn is a bit of a jerk and a bit or a perv, but he wouldn't actually do anything which is good since he knows she's underage now. And if he knew about what Tirek and them did he's actually probably be one of the first of the Apples to go after him :twilightsmile:

AJ, I know where you're going with this, so please don't say what you're thinking.

Sadly she speaks her mind a little too often, which is both good and bad

Damn it AJ... You and your (technically correct) assumptions and complete inability to think something without saying it out loud...

Eyup, she did say it, and sadly she was right though she won't kill her brother over it though I'm sure she will be upset with him at the least for awhile.

Hoo boy, better grab a seat and some popcorn for this pyrotechnics show.

Yay popcorn :yay:

*laughs maniacally* Oh you have no idea how wrong that statement is (P)Twilight, you have no idea...

Very wrong, so very wrong she is

(H)Twilight you magnificent wizard! You planned out all of (P)Twilight's moves ahead of time, didn't you? (I really should add both versions of Twilight's name into my auto correct considering how much I need to use them.)

H-Twily is definitely smart and able to do some manipulating when needed, though for a good cause :twilightsmile:

You see Tirek, unlike you, even convicted felons have standards.

Eyup and now he knows how it feels, though his fate is yet to come.

Called it! Now excuse me while I enjoy my popcorn.

lol enjoy (now Im craving some lol) :twilightsmile:

They're going to Equestria at some point. Right?

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