Sunset Shimmer is homeless and living in an old abandoned warehouse with no power and a leaky roof with almost nothing to her name, not even her favorite jacket after it was destroyed during the Fall Formal. With the school closed down for the holiday and her so called friends too caught up in their own holiday plans they don't realize Sunset not only doesn't have any...but she has no place to get food with the school closed.
Going to a close by community center Christmas Eve to get a hot meal they were giving the homeless and those down on their luck, Sunset runs into the family of the last person she expected to see there...
Chapters (1)
*erotic music starts playing*
Okay I'm sorry for ruining the mood, but you walked right into that one.
The feeellllss
Like this for the manly tears and fave for the story before Christmas
Hamfisted, glurgy, nonsensical feels porn.
5361433 lol i guess i did
5362146 Thanks
5362784 You know what, despite not liking to do this, after the crap week I've had (and it's only Tuesday) I think I'm going to tell you exactly what I think. You are a whiny, bitchy little troll who can go piss off and rot in hell. It's people like you that disgust me when it comes to fandoms...more and more trolls who spew their hate filled crap instead of simply stop reading like any sane, normal person would do. If there is something legitimate thzt can be done to improve my story I'd love go hear what it is. Little pieces of crap like you though...as far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell!
(Sorry if I offended anyone besides this jerk, my life is kinda crap right now and this comment from this prick just set me off)
5362931 dead right mate.
You've written a great, no fantastic story and should be proud of it.
If people don't like it that's their problem and even if they do that doesn't mean they have be an ass about it.
Thumbs up from me, not only for an excilent story but for standing up and protecting it as well.
I said I wouldnt cry, I lied to myself. I LOVE THIS STORY!!!
This story is bad. There's really no other way I can put it and still be honest.
Your mechanics really need work. About halfway through, I was convinced your comma key was broken. On top of that, your sentence structure is incredibly clunky. Take this sentence, for example:
It's an absolute disaster. On top of completely lacking any sort of punctuation to separate off different clauses, the wording makes the sentence much harder to understand.
On your other story, I mentioned that you need an editor. This reaffirms that.
If you're looking for an editor, go here.
If you're looking for a reviewer, go here.
I strongly recommend you go to both. The more advice you get, the better.
5363023 Thank you so much, I'm very happy that you enjoyed the story. I'm also glad you agree with me and didn't think I blow things out of proportion lol...I just kind of snapped when I saw that comment but yours made me smile again.
5363049 I'm very happy that you enjoyed the story.
5363555 I'm really sorry that you found the story bad, but to be honest I'm an amatuer writer and in all likelyhood that is all I ever will be. That being said, I am very grateful for the advice and links, something of which I am very, very, very, very ,very grateful for as I have asked about editors a few times so the links are very helpful and I will be checking them out right now. Like I said I am just an amatuer writer but I do take any constructive criticism seriously and try to use it to better my writing. I hope you understand what I mean lol it is being difficult to get what I'm trying to say out without sounding upset about your comment because I am far from upset, but very happy for the links as I really want an editor. Thank you again so much
5363889
Another good way to learn how to fix your mistakes is to read. Read good stories, and try and figure out why they're good. That will go a long way in helping you improve.
This is cute and for some reason reminds me of Shinzakura and BlueBastard's Sunny Days in June.
loved it hope you make a sequal
OH GOSH I'M DEAD OF HAPPINESS AND FEEEEEEEEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a sweet story. Sunset Shimmer is one of my favorite characters and I think she deserves a happy life. Thank you for giving her one.
5363049 as did I
5363555 you shut up
5397224
Hey, look, it's a shorter link that can also be posted as an image.
Like so:
4.bp.blogspot.com/-5naOONJ8cZs/UW9JwFzZvjI/AAAAAAAABYY/9iM7sRaDW8c/s1600/Keep+Your+Mouth+Shut+gif.gif
Adorable ball of xmas fluff. Can't fault it one bit
Cute story
5397230 I don't give a fuck
Okay, I loved this fic. It's short and usually I steer clear of them, but I'm glad I gave this one a shot. I'd love to see a sequel!
5364199
What would ever give you that idea?
5362906
Cute fix but it does need edits and it does feel a lot like 7DSJ. That being said, I'm interested to see if and/or where you go with this.
This has to be one of the most touching Sunset Stories I've read in a while...especially for this time of year. While there are a few areas that need grammar adjustments (sorry to be nitpicky, but I can't help myself) the overall FEEL is just wonderful. Sunset HAS been trough a lot and she truly has earned herself a chance for real happiness. I'm glad to see she was able to get it here, at least. It really made my day when I read it.
Ok. Its right - your story needs editing / pro-reading.
But the ideas behind your story are good. You have imagination and your own view at the characters. And skill will come over time, if you keep up.
You seem to have a focus on characters losing friends / making new ones. (I just began reading "Starting over" and got a glance at "Goodnight Sunset")
Is there a special reason, why Sunset is rejected / ignored by the girls?
Adding the actual EqG-Twilight was a really nice idea. But here is one point: Sunset Shimmer is from Equestria - so she knows about Twilight Sparkle there. She may assume, that there is a version of Twilight in this world - but she definitivly couldn't know her. So there is a break. Right in the soup-kitchen-scene. She talks to Shining Armor, goes to her table, and suddenly, out of nowhere Twilight appears. I assume your editor will help you with the loopholes in your story, but this is definitivly one. Sunset isn't surprised to see Twilight Sparkle sitting at her table (knowing she couldnt use the portal for about 3 years). This "first contact" needs work.
All in all - story-idea is a nice christmassy slice of life. The writing needs work.
(But, as your writing has advanced in your other stories, I assume, you are on it. Keep up. Would like to see more of you.)
Not a bad story in the slightest, though I agree, a proofread would help.
And yay for Sunset having a family.
The ending was a little predictable *bricked* Perhaps drawing the story out a little bit in multiple chapters would have given it a little more depth but thats just me being picky. Seriously though . . . FEELS!! So many feels!! This was cute and adorable regardless!
I have a thing for Sunset!Adoption stories, and this is beautiful. Some other people have pointed out plot holes and that this would be better longer, and I agree, but all in all this is a nice story.
What are you talking about? I'm not crying! You're crying!
*runs into another room, sobbing* This story gives me FEELS...
I liked this story.
the only thing that got to me was there should of been an extra day or two in between her going to live with twilights family and Christmas day, them pulling out presents of that amount I don't think many shops are open at that time of night.
And it would of opened a time for her to walk into a room and the parents shutting up (their talking about her but what about?) maybe a bit more interaction with the new Twilight.
Other than that you get a
for making me feel.
that made me squee, and i'm male
EDIT
i squeed again AND MIND YOU IM MALE
ANOTHER EDIT
OH MY GOSH I SQUEED EVEN HARDER THEN THE OTHER TWO COMBINED, AND IM MALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just read this and I loved it. I feel though given whats happend that Sunset needs to and SHOULD tell her new family her full unabridged past.
This story is really great!
I've read this for the Fourth time. I smile everytime I read it. Kinda wish it was longer and that if there was a scene inbetween the family looking at Sunsets backround, how long she's been homeless and where she actually lived. That would've greatly increased awareness from the family and push harder to make the decision to adopt Sunset.
Of course nobody would know except those who witnessed Sunset turn into a raging she demon would be on her record. I'm surprised Celestia didn't do anything harsh towards Sunset.
For a sequel I would love to read a thanksgiving story. Or better yet, a story for Sunset for each holiday through an entire year. Valentines, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving and then lastly, Christmas(1 year later). If any I missed, that would be added. Just an idea to play with.
THE FEELS!
Touching story, but I just can't buy the idea of any family deciding to adopt a teenage girl after only knowing her a few hours.
Also, if her lack of a legal identity was such an obstacle to her getting a job, wouldn't it be just as big of an obstacle to her being adopted?
Rushed, but then again, it is a one-shot. Pretty good job.
6927863 I know right?! That's what I thought too at first.
This shines a whole new light on Friendship Games.
6927863
that's what I thought.
I really liked this, however I think it could do with a little more fleshing-out. Also, there were more than a few cases where 'was' was used where 'were' would be more appropriate; now there's a mouth-full if I ever read one.
This was phenomenal.
Oh man, I'm crying and It is all your fault!
Really well written, and exactly what I needed to read.
I was pleasantly surprised by this story. Most "Sunset gets adopted" fics are so out-of-character and poorly hamdled, and while the pace of this certainly was quick, something about the way you wrote the emotions - little things like the tag on the present reading "Mom and Dad" - was really nice.
These 2 lines made me burst out laughing
I know want she mean
Say yes Sunny
Yay shes finally adopted
So true and this tear me up and im gonna give you a like and a fave
Rushed and predictable. But I didn't expect much else in a good way. I expected cute and happy and that's what I got ^_^
I kind of want A sequel