"I will forge my own way, then, where I may not be accepted, but I will be myself. I will take what they called weakness and make it my strength." ~Rarity, "Black as Night"
A long time ago, when she was very young, Twilight learned about her star marking her path of destiny in the sky. For nearly all her life, she has looked to the heavens for hope and purpose.
And now that star is gone.
It's up to Rarity and the rest of Twilight's friends to try to help her as her world crumbles around her.
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Hello! I've decided to do a short and quick review to your story, if you don't mind.
Grammar/Writing Skill: Very nice, colorful adjectives used, good transitional phrasing, could use work on wording and descriptions. Some feelings of the characters could have been said better, but was a good read nonetheless. The first few paragraphs could've been split into smaller paragraphs going into detail of the characters individually more, but it was still fine how it was.
Storyline/Plot: Very good idea indeed! I do feel it could've been embellished on a little however, adding some more details here and there, maybe slowing it down a little bit as well, add some fluff to the story to keep things at a constant pace. The story did however seem rushed at a few points.
Overall Rating: 7/10. Could use some fine tuning here and though, but a fine story nonetheless.
Have a great night and I hope to see more from you!
Wow!
I really liked this. I'm gonna share it.
The feel that I got from reading this was one of mystic, magic, and mystery. I don't think I can properly explain it, but there is some kind of fantastical charm to it that made me happy while I read it, something I haven't felt in a while on this site.
I eagerly look forward to the next chapter! Keep up the good work.
I have a bit of an... um... obsession with stars. I'm also a die-hard Twilight fan. So when you had both in the title I just had to check this out.
That said, time travel, Deus ex machina intervention, and a Semi-OC alicorn all in the prologue? Step lightly my friend, you're walking down a very thin line. One wrong step, one wrong move, and this whole thing could go up in flames. Since this is still brand new, I'd suggest coming back to this chapter and rereading it while making corrections as necessary right after you put out chapter two. It should be pretty eye opening to do that from the beginning after each chapter you put out, and improve your writing skills really fast. Good luck, I'm eagerly awaiting the next update to see what you do with it!
5813128 Ah, very cool! Did you know beforehand that Twilight's star is a real star? So is Regulus, for that matter. ...You know what, screw it. I'm gonna spoil this. The characters are gonna return to the Sidereal Orbits later in the story, and they'll meet the four stars that freed Night Mare Moon in the pilot episodes: Regulus, Sirius, Polaris, and Venus. ("Wait," said Rarity, "aren't you a planet, not a star?" Venus winked at her. "I won't tell if you won't.")
Well, hopefully it'll all come together. Vespers (and the other seven Founders of Canterlot) are sort of a running joke in my stories. Previously, I haven't done any more than mention that Twilight comes from Vespers' line. I really should write a story that focuses on the eight Founders more closely.
I... wouldn't call it deus ex machina. I kinda get what you're saying, but it's not really deus ex machina if it occurs at the beginning of the story. Then it's just called "the plot of the story."
Geeze. Some serious stuff must be happening. A star thief, maybe? That'd be interesting.
Also, Twilight seemed to react a little strange when she saw her star go out. I mean, I certainly would act pretty bizarre if I just saw proof of an immediate and imminent demise heading my way.
I kinda feel the end was anticlimactic. It didn't feel like there was enough weight behind Twilight's turnaround.
6595944
Totally fair. This is a pretty experimental fic, and it didn't really come out the way I was expecting it to. I will say this, though: Twilight's cure didn't come from Twilight. It came from Rarity. That was also sort of my goal with this, to try something really weird like that. Don't know if that came through or not.
Open sesame? Reeeeeeally?
Well, whatever works, Luna.
I have to talk about the magic door. I can't see everyone performing this magic so easily. Luna has to be doing something to allow this. They're at the castle, correct? Not the dream world. How is it that ponies can open portals that are pretty much "Dokodemo Doors" (Anywhere door from Doraemon) so easily? Even the non-unicorns? It just seems a little strange that every pony has this ability.
It's definitely mystical and gives a lot of freedom for character exploration since each pony sees something completely different. So I'm very curious as to what Rarity will see. And what the hell Fluttershy? What happened to you to see nothing but tombstones?
Well, there's only one way to find out what Rarity is about to head into, and that's by reading on!
I really liked how Rarity's vision of the heavens was a ballroom waltz. It was a very striking image that really reflected Rarity's inner desires.
But, when the heavens vanished, leaving Rarity back in the real world, I got confused. I've read it over several times and I think that the transition could have been done a little better.
But other than that, this was a very interesting read! Two more to go!
Wow.
This chapter was brimming with emotion. I felt such a tug for both Rarity and Twilight. Twilight because of her pain, and Rarity because of her desperation and hopelessness.
And it seems this story has come full circle! How crazy is that?
I enjoyed this story and hope it gets more views in the future.
Rarity's confidence with the stars left me with a feeling of awe. (I'm quite the romantic with stars since I live out in the country and get to see them very often.)
This story wasn't very "exciting," but it was very emotional. There was no big "climax," but I felt the ending was still pretty solid. Particularly that ending paragraph.
Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was short but full of emotion. There was one or two times that didn't seem to quite work for me (like how anypony can use Luna's spell), but it was very good for the rest.
6625909
Thanks for the vote of confidence! Yeah, you're right that I kind of cheated to make the Luna spell work. I wanted each character to be able to go to their own version of it, so I just hand-waved it. Ah, well. Glad you liked the rest of it at least.
Technically speaking, by Twilight's estimates, she was doomed hundreds of years before she was born. Ouch.