Soarin is coming to visit Rainbow Dash, but why is his visit so random?
Did Dash...forget something?
This is my entry for Harmonic Brushs SoarinDash contest.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 12th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Jan 16th, 2021
Infinity Shade
Oh this sleepy little town, nearly ashes on the ground. I'll leave it all behind, even thoughts of you and I... So I tell you now; Goodbye 
Infinity Shade
Joined 12th Feb, 2015 ·
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A really cute story. Keep writing! I would like to see a sequel.
5921063
Thank you!
5921064
Thank you so much, i will.
Great story
It has some problems, but it's an over-all good story, I like it
5923823
Thanks!
5924297
Thank you!
Would you mind telling what kind of problems you noticed?
5924472 Np!
5924478 quote]the five stages of waking up. Should that have a capitals?
I think you need a period or comma at the end of Dash's line
Celestia's*
I think Soarin's name is 'Soarin'' but just a nit-pick
Maybe you should try this instead:
or
Maybe you should add : after 'a' and remove the - between 'Anymore' and 'Way'
Twilight's*
Just a nit-pick. It saves time to write it that way but I'm pretty sure ''Cause' is the proper
Maybe you should try this instead:
Or remove the 'anyway' completely
Twilight's*
Soarin's*
Should 'wait' be capitalized?
stallion's*
Perhaps:
Maybe:
This mare had barely anything to do with the story... how is she necessary? I guess I shouldn't question story plans but still...
Pegasus doesn't need to have a capital
Hm. Never saw Twi with an apostrophe before
That space shouldn't be there, I believe
Instead of using spaces perhaps you should use *** or ---
A few tweaks:
Umm... hello, if you need ingredients there's a market and they had enough time to bake a pie with AJ'S skills. Maybe instead Granny Smith was sleeping, Big Mac was out bucking apples, Apple Bloom was out with the CMC, and AJ was at the market.
A few more tweaks with spaces
you do know that you don't need to capitalize the words and add more than one exclamation mark for emphasis, right?
All of these have unnecessary spaces
Lunar might need a capital, but I'm not completely sure...
Extra space
oatmeal*
Another extra space
Extra space
Needs a pace after the comma and perhaps wait should have a capital
Soarin*
Second 'right' needs a capital
Why would she whine? As far as we know Dash never said anything and what Rarity said sounded more like a compliment.
Perhaps 'un-girly-fashion-tasted-pony' instead
You call Rainbow 'Dash' a lot
I would suggest
Perhaps you should add these around 'That's my goofy pie lover' and 'Pie'
Doesn't need the extra space and perhaps you should have said 'Hey, Dash-''
There's an extra space
hurt* unless he's being goofy.
Sighed* needs a comma after 'added'
You also have a lot of spacing between lines that isn't necessary but some people do like it that way instead
5927974
You are simply splendid!
Thank you so much! I will fix these up right away.
Thanks again, i really appreciate the help!
5927974
I read your comment through just now, and I just wanted to say why i had the OC in the story: In this story it seems she is completely unneccesary, but her special talent will be very necessary in the sequel, and i found no other character who fitted in.
So you are completely right, but i figured it would be much better to introduce her in this story, because the sequel will have much more action, so it could get confusing.
5928188 Okay.
And you're welcome.
Oh, and I think you may have used names and pronouns a bit too much instead description like 'the blue pegasus sighed tiredly'
5928188 The great Pie Die
Not Day?
5929906
Great pointed out, but no, t's supposed to be a joke.You know, cause the pie "died"?
Honestly, my method for choosing titles is just using what feels right, not that it always makes sense.
5931034 True. I thought it might be the reason. I just wanted to make sure.
5931312 yeah, thanks.
But I think i'm going to follow your advice and drop the OC, you are completely right, it does make no sense to have her here
5932248 Good for you. I see you've taken my advice on the errors...
I found a few more problems since I started to re-read it a little:
Soarin's*
Missed the last T
5932293
Thank you, I'll fix them up right away!
Lovely short, I'll have to check out the rest,
5949205
Thank you!
Great story, warms my heart
.
5994567 I'm very happy to hear that!
This is actually a pretty well done story. I sure wasn't expecting this. I was just doing a mandatory check out of your stuff after your follow and with this being your first and so far only story I didn't expect too much.
So yeah, count me impressed.
You should do something about the description though, while it is not offsetting it does also nothing to distinguish your story and actually raise interest.
6049363 Thank you very much!
I wouldn't honestly say this is my best work, but I just wanted to get done with the first one.
And thank you for the advice, though I'm really bad at coming up with descriptions....Do you have any suggestions?
good!
6050857 Thanks, and thank you for the fave!
6050805
The problem with this part is mainly it's unoriginality. It's not bad itself, but if you take a look at all romantic and comedic oneshots and you will find thousands like it. Most of them are also written worse than this is, so it doesn't really help to get anybody interested in the story.
This is okay
This sounds like an apology. Never ever apologize to your readers before you give them your story. It will just leave a bad taste and push readers away from your story. If anywhere, put this in the authors notes at the end of your chapter.
There is also the fact that what you apologize for is not necessary, because your story wasn't confusing. The only thing I'm wondering about is why Twilight gave Rainbow the wrong date.
(This is in fact one of the few minor criticism's I have about your story itself. I don't mind you leaving that question open, but it would have been nice to have Rainbow acknowledge at least in a sentence that Twilight lied to her.)
However, that is not enough to call it confusing.
Like the sequel announcement, put this in your authors notes. For a longer story it might be (barely) okay, but for a oneshot the main thing your description should be is short and spicy. This puts unnecessary length to it.
6050989 (I'm sorry for very late answer to this!
)
I'll change it when I have time, thanks for the advices!
But thank you so much!
That was quite a nice read. I think the fact that you're from Norway definitely left its presence on these piece when it comes to some of the sentences. However, that wasn't a hindrance. You entertained me with this story. It was fun to see Dash utterly lose it over this birthday fiasco - and equally humorous to see Soarin go crazy chivalrous in return. I see a lot of other folks have left comments about things that need touching up, so I'll refrain from doing so again. Honestly, you did a great job here. :)
6206874 Thank you!
Personally I think this story sucked, I wrote it back when I didn't know a thing about writing, but thank you for the kind words!
6207092 There's always something to be learned. :P
6207098 Yep
Well. I got a kick out of that.
6314976
I honestly had a strong feeling it wouldn`t be his birthday , I knew it!
..
what?
Could use some minor flow touch ups, but ither than that was a nice, quick, romantic short.
have a favorite.
7098354 Thanks, but this story is ancient!
7098386 XP
ya only have four. How coul....
wait, nevermind.
7098392 I may have only four published, but I have written a TON since then XD
7098413 mhmm. Ya, I getchya.
STUPID TWILIGHT
TO CUTE TO HANDLE
Please, make a sequel!! Pleasseee 🙏
🙏