• Member Since 12th Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen September 1st

Infinity Shade


Oh this sleepy little town, nearly ashes on the ground. I'll leave it all behind, even thoughts of you and I... So I tell you now; Goodbye :heart:

T
Source

Soarin is coming to visit Rainbow Dash, but why is his visit so random?
Did Dash...forget something?


This is my entry for Harmonic Brushs SoarinDash contest.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 45 )

A really cute story. Keep writing! I would like to see a sequel. :twilightsmile:

5921064
Thank you so much, i will.:twilightsmile:

It has some problems, but it's an over-all good story, I like it

5924297
Thank you!
Would you mind telling what kind of problems you noticed?:twilightsmile:

5924478 quote]the five stages of waking up. Should that have a capitals?

"I’m awesome” she snickered while flexing her nearly non-existing muscles.

I think you need a period or comma at the end of Dash's line

Suddenly her whole face lighted up like Celestias sun

Celestia's*

Soarin was coming today.

I think Soarin's name is 'Soarin'' but just a nit-pick

Her very own coltfriend who also happened to be lead squad wonderbolt was coming to see her.

Maybe you should try this instead:

Her very own coltfriend-who also happened to lead Squad Wonderbolt-was coming to see her.

or

Her very own coltfriend-who also happened to be the leader of Squad Wonderbolt-was coming to see her.

Yes, she liked to push her body to the limit, but usually not in a healthy way but more in a how-much-pizza-could-she-eat-before-she-couldn’t-move-anymore-way.

Maybe you should add : after 'a' and remove the - between 'Anymore' and 'Way'

Twilights voice almost drowned in sarcasm.

Twilight's*

“Haha, I know! Cause I’m awesome!”

Just a nit-pick. It saves time to write it that way but I'm pretty sure ''Cause' is the proper

“Shouldn’t you anyway be getting ready for Soarins visit?” Twilight suddenly asked.

Maybe you should try this instead:

“Shouldn’t you, anyway, be getting ready for Soarin's visit?” Twilight suddenly asked.

Or remove the 'anyway' completely

On Twilights table, with a glory of light falling on it, was a giant hayburger. With extra hay.

Twilight's*

“Seriously Dash, shouldn’t you be preparing for Soarins special day?” Twilight sighted.

Soarin's*

“WELL I…wait, what?”

Should 'wait' be capitalized?

How could she have forgotten about her stallions birthday?!

stallion's*

Dash turned to Twilight and shook her head vigorously while she screamed “NO!”

Perhaps:

Dash turned to Twilight “NO!” she screamed, shaking her head vigorously.

And everything haves to be perfect…he is a wonderbolt after all…a hot wonderbolt,”

Maybe:

And everything haves to be perfect…He is a Wonderbolt after all…A hot Wonderbolt,”

Infinity Shade picked up her bag with her magic. She couldn’t believe she was finally here. For the first time in her life she was out of the cold and secluded Northland. She closed her eyes and inhaled the fresh spring air. This was going to be a wonderful experience.

This mare had barely anything to do with the story... how is she necessary? I guess I shouldn't question story plans but still...

When she got closer, she saw a blue Pegasus mare with a pretty rainbow-colored mane dash out, and a lavender alicorn ran out after her saying something while smiling.

Pegasus doesn't need to have a capital

She didn’t want to interrupt them, but she knew that the lime-green pegasus who just walked inside with Twilight was from an ancient kingdom, because Twi’ had told her.

Hm. Never saw Twi with an apostrophe before

“ Oh, Pegasus feathers, my shyness has ruined so many opportunities for me," she cried to herself and fluttered home with her head down.

That space shouldn't be there, I believe

She REALLY wanted to introduce herself and ask everything about how the animals and plants were in the unknown kingdom. But she was too scared to talk or let them know she was there.

“ Oh, Pegasus feathers, my shyness has ruined so many opportunities for me," she cried to herself and fluttered home with her head down.


“PIE! I NEED APPLEPIE, APPLEJACK!” Dash shouted as she crashed into Applejack, making them fall in a heap on the barn floor.

Instead of using spaces perhaps you should use *** or ---

“SOARINS BITHDAY!PIE! SOARIN! COLTFRIEND! HAY-BACON! SOARIN!” Dash shouted while she was trying to catch her breath from the quick flight.

A few tweaks:

“SOARIN'S BITHDAY! PIE! SOARIN! COLTFRIEND! HAY-BACON! SOARIN!” Dash shouted while she was trying to catch her breath from the quick flight.

“Well, ah’m sorry, but we are actually outta pie at the moment and…” She didn’t finish because Dash pressed her nose up Applejack's and looked at her angry.

Umm... hello, if you need ingredients there's a market and they had enough time to bake a pie with AJ'S skills. Maybe instead Granny Smith was sleeping, Big Mac was out bucking apples, Apple Bloom was out with the CMC, and AJ was at the market.

“OUT OF PIE?NOOOOO!!! MY LIFE IS RUINED!JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE PIE! WHY DON’T YOU HAVE PIE?!” She yelled, her voice so loud it blew down Applejacks hat.

A few more tweaks with spaces

“OUT OF PIE? NOOOOO!!! MY LIFE IS RUINED! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE PIE! WHY DON’T YOU HAVE PIE?!” She yelled, her voice so loud it blew down Applejacks hat.

you do know that you don't need to capitalize the words and add more than one exclamation mark for emphasis, right?

“ Are you sure you friend is going to be alright, Twilight? Maybe she needs help, she can hurt herself if she is going to prepare a whole birthday by herself…” Infinity asked while Twilight was pouring tea to her cup and her small dragon was running around and setting up cookies and food at the table in Twilights kitchen.

“ Aww, it’s sweet that you care so much, but believe me, she can do this by herself," Twilight reassured her once again. The young brown-maned mare eyed her up with worry with her eyes.

“ Well,

you can say that caring about others is a part of my special talent, no matter how tiresome it can be at times." The tea was burning her tongue but she tried to flush down the worry.

All of these have unnecessary spaces

Okay, Pinkie Pie was weird, bit SERIOUSLY?! HOW the holy lunar plot did she know?

Lunar might need a capital, but I'm not completely sure...

“ I’m not even gonna ask how you knew that I needed all that…”

Extra space

something about outmeal to the cat.

oatmeal*

“ Yeah, right…”

Another extra space

” Time to make some awesome culinary magic.” She grinned.

Extra space

wait,what was baking powder really for?

Needs a pace after the comma and perhaps wait should have a capital

Soaring always said that he loved her

Soarin*

Rarity would listen to her, right?.... right…?

Second 'right' needs a capital

Rarity whined while squishing Dash into a pink dress

Why would she whine? As far as we know Dash never said anything and what Rarity said sounded more like a compliment.

“Urgh, Rainbow Dash you are such a ungirlyfashiontasted-pony!”

Perhaps 'un-girly-fashion-tasted-pony' instead

Dash

You call Rainbow 'Dash' a lot

“I think my job here is done for now.” Rarity smiled and walked over to one of her other projects. “Thanks Rarity!” Dash yelled and quickly flew home.

I would suggest

“I think my job here is done for now.” Rarity smiled and walked over to one of her other projects.
“Thanks Rarity!” Dash yelled and quickly flew home.

That’s my goofy pie-lover, with and arrow pointing to the left.
And on the other, that was exactly Soarins size, she wrote:
Pie, with an arrow pointing to the right.

Perhaps you should add these around 'That's my goofy pie lover' and 'Pie'

“ HEY DASHiie…”

Doesn't need the extra space and perhaps you should have said 'Hey, Dash-''

“ My birthday is next month.”

There's an extra space

“Dash, you are hurted!”

hurt* unless he's being goofy.

“I love you too.” Dash sighted happily, then added “you goofball.”

Sighed* needs a comma after 'added'

You also have a lot of spacing between lines that isn't necessary but some people do like it that way instead

5927974
You are simply splendid!:raritystarry:
Thank you so much! I will fix these up right away.
Thanks again, i really appreciate the help!:twilightsmile::heart:

5927974
I read your comment through just now, and I just wanted to say why i had the OC in the story: In this story it seems she is completely unneccesary, but her special talent will be very necessary in the sequel, and i found no other character who fitted in.
So you are completely right, but i figured it would be much better to introduce her in this story, because the sequel will have much more action, so it could get confusing.:twilightsmile:

5928188 Okay.
And you're welcome.
Oh, and I think you may have used names and pronouns a bit too much instead description like 'the blue pegasus sighed tiredly'

5928188 The great Pie Die
Not Day?

5929906
Great pointed out, but no, t's supposed to be a joke.You know, cause the pie "died"? :rainbowlaugh:
Honestly, my method for choosing titles is just using what feels right, not that it always makes sense.:twilightblush:

5931034 True. I thought it might be the reason. I just wanted to make sure.

5931312 yeah, thanks.:twilightsmile:
But I think i'm going to follow your advice and drop the OC, you are completely right, it does make no sense to have her here

5932248 Good for you. I see you've taken my advice on the errors...
I found a few more problems since I started to re-read it a little:

''Shouldn’t you be getting ready for Soarins visit?” Twilight suddenly asked.

Soarin's*

Twiligh, Twilight, Twilight…How did you know he is coming? Are you psychic, or did you just spend too much time with Pinkie lately?”

Missed the last T

5932293
Thank you, I'll fix them up right away!:twilightsmile:

Lovely short, I'll have to check out the rest,:rainbowkiss:

Great story, warms my heart:twilightsmile:.

5994567 I'm very happy to hear that!:pinkiehappy:

This is actually a pretty well done story. I sure wasn't expecting this. I was just doing a mandatory check out of your stuff after your follow and with this being your first and so far only story I didn't expect too much.
So yeah, count me impressed. :twilightsmile:
You should do something about the description though, while it is not offsetting it does also nothing to distinguish your story and actually raise interest.

6049363 Thank you very much!:twilightsmile: I wouldn't honestly say this is my best work, but I just wanted to get done with the first one.:rainbowlaugh:

And thank you for the advice, though I'm really bad at coming up with descriptions....Do you have any suggestions?:twilightsheepish:

6050857 Thanks, and thank you for the fave!:twilightsmile:

6050805

Soarin is coming to visit Rainbow Dash, but why is his visit so random?

Dash tries to fix the fact she forgot what a special day it is, by trying to throw a party by herself.:rainbowdetermined2:

This haves to end up in a disaster...

This is a light-hearted and cozy story, with delicate romance parts at the end.

The problem with this part is mainly it's unoriginality. It's not bad itself, but if you take a look at all romantic and comedic oneshots and you will find thousands like it. Most of them are also written worse than this is, so it doesn't really help to get anybody interested in the story.

This is my entry for Harmonic Brushs SoarinDash contest.

This is okay

This is also a prequel to my next story, if this one doesn't end up as a disaster, so some parts will make more sense then.:twilightsmile:

This sounds like an apology. Never ever apologize to your readers before you give them your story. It will just leave a bad taste and push readers away from your story. If anywhere, put this in the authors notes at the end of your chapter.
There is also the fact that what you apologize for is not necessary, because your story wasn't confusing. The only thing I'm wondering about is why Twilight gave Rainbow the wrong date.

(This is in fact one of the few minor criticism's I have about your story itself. I don't mind you leaving that question open, but it would have been nice to have Rainbow acknowledge at least in a sentence that Twilight lied to her.)

However, that is not enough to call it confusing.

As you maybe see, this is my first story on here, so constructive criticism is highly appreciated:scootangel:

Like the sequel announcement, put this in your authors notes. For a longer story it might be (barely) okay, but for a oneshot the main thing your description should be is short and spicy. This puts unnecessary length to it.

6050989 (I'm sorry for very late answer to this!:facehoof:)
But thank you so much!:pinkiehappy: I'll change it when I have time, thanks for the advices!:twilightsmile:

That was quite a nice read. I think the fact that you're from Norway definitely left its presence on these piece when it comes to some of the sentences. However, that wasn't a hindrance. You entertained me with this story. It was fun to see Dash utterly lose it over this birthday fiasco - and equally humorous to see Soarin go crazy chivalrous in return. I see a lot of other folks have left comments about things that need touching up, so I'll refrain from doing so again. Honestly, you did a great job here. :)

6206874 Thank you!:pinkiehappy:
Personally I think this story sucked, I wrote it back when I didn't know a thing about writing, but thank you for the kind words!:twilightsmile:

6207092 There's always something to be learned. :P

Well. I got a kick out of that.

I honestly had a strong feeling it wouldn`t be his birthday , I knew it!

But the look in her eyes could have roasted a chicken on its period.

..
what?

Could use some minor flow touch ups, but ither than that was a nice, quick, romantic short.
have a favorite.

7098354 Thanks, but this story is ancient!:rainbowlaugh:

7098386 XP
ya only have four. How coul....
wait, nevermind.

7098392 I may have only four published, but I have written a TON since then XD

“My birthday is next month.”

STUPID TWILIGHT

TO CUTE TO HANDLE

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