• Member Since 16th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen July 6th

Angrywritingskills


Just thought I'd start something to try and write. Hopefully i'll do stuff that is unique but this is the internet so everything has been done before.

T

Set during Rainbow Rocks

After suffering an anxiety attack, Sunset confides in Twilight the secret of how she rose to power and effectively controlled the study body of Canterlot High. Sunset retells how she became the school's bully and what she did to make the original bullies of Canterlot High disappear.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 34 )

This is pretty good so far, but why was Sunset able to fight so well in a body that was alien to her? Did someone train her? Or am I just massively over thinking this?
Anyway, here are some things to fix:

The warmth comforted her but didn’t fully suppress the wistfulness sadness.

Wistful.

Her hair was this furry of red and yellow and she wore a black leather jacket.

Flurry (I think?).

“And get your wallet, and give me about tree”

From stuff he says later it looks like 'tree' was probably intentional, but you missed the period.

This wasn’t an official rule just a trick of the trade but it was important.

A comma there would make this less awkward.

“But you’re really just this big, dumb,” Sunset tossed her head to the side and sneered. “Perverted, scared, little loser freak.”

The period after sneered implied that she finished the sentence she started. Replace it with a comma and decapitalise 'perverted'.

I need you to stop me.

Needed.

5708423
Thanks a bunch for the edits. And to answer your question, I guess I did overlook that detail, my bad. I guess Sunset is just badass in any form.

Sunset confines in Twilight

confides

Badger you chose the wrong woman to fuck with.

Strictly going by the synopsis, this sounds like it needs a dark tag...

5711963

What he said. What are you talking about?

5726414 I'm talking about the first bully sunset meats he is trying to get "tree Fiddy" or 3.50$

Going by the description it sounds like Sunset murdered them.

5731511

Or got them to do it themselves.

“you fucking prick.”

:rainbowlaugh:
Great chapter! :pinkiehappy:

Things to fix:

Today he got in before the bell rang so he was early compared to last time.

Make 'before' italic for a better effect.
Put a comma after 'rang'.

She sat in the back left corner of the classroom. She had a notebook on her desk and a pencil in her hand.

Remove the period.
Replace 'she had' with 'with'.

At first he was cautious that she would catch him watching but as time went by he found she was more involved in her work than anything else. So he continued to watch her continuously and just admired her.

Replace period with comma and decapitalise 'so'.
Redundant is redundant. Get rid of 'Continuously'.

More importantly he watched how she did this cute routine as she worked.

Comma after importantly.

“Hmph, though you looked familiar,”

Thought.

Yeah teach.

Add a comma. Whenever a character is addressing someone else in speech, add a comma.
(E.g; "Yeah, teach." "Hey, Sunset.")

Hey Sunny,”

Comma.

No you idiot,”

Comma.

Everyone thought it was shallow but no one objected. In fact most happily go along with their identities. Like Badger does.

Get rid of period and decapitalise 'Like'.
Tense swap.

“Tell me Badger,”

Comma.

Still the bully in him wasn’t going down without a fight.

Comma.

I can take it a punch.

Get rid of 'it'.

Why because you’re bigger than me?”

Add a comma or a question mark (if latter then capitalise 'because').

What!”

Question mark (e.g; "What?!").

In a weird way but they were connecting.

This sentence is confusing, replace it with something like; "In a weird way, but still, they were connecting.".

If you get every question correct then I’ll tell you about this cast system you want to hear about.

Caste.

What!”

Question mark.

Listen I need to get to lunch so was there anything important you needed to tell me.”

Comma.

“Let me down you big idiot!”

Comma.

“Don’t you ever!” Sunset barked, pointing her finger in Badger’s face. “Do that again."

By adding an exclamation mark there you make it look like that was the end of the sentence, and capitalising 'Do' makes it seem like she's telling him to do it again. Change it to this:

“Don’t you ever,” Sunset barked, pointing her finger in Badger’s face, “do that again!"

Or this:

“Don’t you ever do that again!” Sunset barked, pointing her finger in Badger’s face.

5733028
Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

Can't wait till Sunset figures it out. Blackmail. Sticks and stones may break some bones, but words can scar forever.

This is getting better by every chapter! :pinkiehappy:

Things to fix:

Twilight asked Sunset. Not really believing it.

Change period to a comma and decapitalise 'Not'.

To her Sunset was playing the role pretty well.

Add a comma after 'her'.

“And what about this, not hitting a girl rule?

Remove comma and put 'not hitting a girl' in quotation marks (like I just did).

“How about I just continue on and you’ll see what I mean?”

Would work better if rephrased to:

“How about I just continue on? You’ll see what I mean.”

There was a flurry of constant chattering from the students around her. A swarm of sound just engulfed the area. Strangely, it made Sunset think of a quieter time back in Equestria. All those days spent studying by herself in a quiet library.

Try not to use too many short sentences. E.G:

There was a flurry of constant chattering from the students around her creating swarm of sound that engulfed the room. Strangely, it made Sunset think of a quieter time back in Equestria, all those days spent studying by herself in a quiet library.

There wasn’t much patience left in her. She wanted answers now.

Would work better as a single sentence:

There wasn’t much patience left in her, she wanted answers now.

On one hand he wanted to get lunch because he was starving. But he was also scanning the student body in the cafeteria.

Try not to start sentences with 'but', it's rarely done in anything other than informal writing (such as speech).
Replace the comma with a period like with the examples above.

Lunch was always full of tension amongst the students. There was always this insecurity that all the students shared.

I'm starting to sense a pattern in the things I'm pointing out. You need to be using more compound sentences.
Merge these into a compound sentence.

It was especially bad for a bully. Their kind have no friends so there is nowhere for them to sit.

There's an accidental double spacing before 'it'.
Merge these into a compound sentence.

Since it was the beginning of lunch the line was rather long. It stretched to the side walls and Badger and Sunset were at the back.

Merge these into a compound sentence.
'Were at the back' is fine, but 'were stuck at the back' would sound a bit better.

Badger leaned close to Sunset. “Watch this,” he whispered with a smirk. He stood tall and looked down the line.

“Follow me,” he said to Sunset and began walking.

It's the same character speaking, so you don't need to start a new paragraph (in most situations).

Badger then proceeded to put his hands on two students in line.

Would work better if rephrased to:

Badger clamped his hands onto the shoulders of two students.

But the pain would come later, for now it would just be the sound. Soon it would become painful.

You've already established that later it will be painful, saying it again makes it redundant.

“Just go and take from the students that already have lunch,” Sunset said.

Nothing really wrong with this, but replacing 'said' with 'explained' would make it sound slightly better.

Actually I think you’ve already started. ”

Comma after 'actually'.
Unnecessary space.

You know you could make a good bully,”

Comma after 'know'.

Human beings use utensils. It was common courteous.

Merge these into a compound sentence.
Courtesy.

An overwhelming hunger helped him to finish his lunch rather quickly. And with a quick gulp, Badger downed his milk.

Replace 'an' with 'his'.
Don't start sentences with 'and' (mostly the same rules as 'but').
Merge these into a compound sentence.

In fact he was happy to just have a conversation with her, no matter how weird it was.

Comma after 'fact'.

Sunset did look again, but this time she focused more. At first she didn’t really see what Badger meant. But after looking longer she began to notice a pattern.

Change to something like 'this time focusing more' as to not use 'but' too many times.
Merge the last two sentences into a compound sentence.

Oh them,”

Comma after 'oh'.

But if it spreads then it’ll be a problem.”

Comma after 'spreads'.
This is also a great example of when you should start with 'but'.

“One of those girls is an Aggy.

Either capitalise all of the group names, or none of them, but don't mix them.

She didn’t know their names but she could tell them apart.

Comma after names.
Changing that to 'but at least she' would sound slightly better.

But there was one thing she didn’t get.

Don't use 'but' to start a formal sentence ('however' and 'although' should replace this (with a comma after whichever you choose)).

Sunset asked which grabbed Badger’s immediate attention.

Would sound better if rephrased to:

Sunset asked, grabbing Badger’s attention.

And even if they do they usually eat in the staircases or in the halls.”

Comma after 'do'.
Good example for starting with 'and'.

Aren’t you wondering why we are sitting alone now?”

From what I can tell from his speech patterns so far, he'd likely say 'we're' rather than 'we are' (unless that's just a thing he does).

But upon looking around she seemed to notice that some of the kids were giving her hostile looks.

Don't use 'but' to start a formal sentence.
Comma after 'around'.

Well uh,”

Comma after 'well'.

Badger thought on it while at the same time looked directly at Sunset.

'At the same time' clutters up the sentence here, getting rid of it would make the sentence sound better.
Missed 'he' between 'while' and 'looked'.

Badger laughed at this.

Missed a space before this.

Make no mistake I’m a newbie here too.

Comma after 'mistake'.

So using all his strength his pushed the jock off of him, successfully ending their holds on each other.

Comma after 'so'.
Comma after 'strength'.
'He', not 'his'.

Warden quickly ducked and effectively dodged the jock’s fist. Then he quickly jabbed the jock with his own fist.

Don't use adjectives twice (or more) in a row.

Every blow made the jock slowly start to lose stability.

Started.

she screamed.

Capitalise 'she'.

Sorry I'm getting annoying with this, I'll stop if you want.

5782363
You don't have to stop, there were a lot of errors in this chapter so it is appreciated. I think I'm going to start trying and learn how to use compound sentences. Thanks again.

I'm guessing PC or this Warden guy

“He’d always used to march around the house singing cadences to himself.”

:trollestia:

Everyone things you’re a big tough bully but they’ll see the truth if you stop.

thinks*

Did Sunset kill Warden? Is that the big secret? I kinda hope so. Heheheheheee.

5846808

Maybe so. But how are they gonna prosecute someone who doesn't exist?

I like this story but you got quite a few errors. Ik a few people told you what it was but, I like this story.

You get a thumbs up. :)

“You’re never going to feel better until you get this thing on your chest.”

off

Given that this is the first time Sunset has seen that the mirror universe has a counterpart to Celestia, I'd expect a reaction.

5953097
You make a valid point but in my defense Celestia is only making a quick cameo right now. Also Sunset isn't really paying attention to Celestia and is more focused on the scene as a whole so she could have ignored it for the moment. There will be time to address Sunset and Principal Celestia's relationship later. This chapter wasn't the time or place.

This story is actually amazing. It's even modern ghetto as well. I like your more violent stories.

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